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Yet another confidence picker upper for those down on their dating luck.


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 24th March 2019, 6:33 PM   #1
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Yet another confidence picker upper for those down on their dating luck.

So today I accepted a date with what I previously thought was an insurmountable challenge - talking to a classic Southern belle secretary with zero things in common with me.

How do you have a flirting conversation with somebody with no things in common? I made it happen.

I actually picked a place that I accidentally didn't check was closed on Sunday, so I took it as a moment to laugh it off as a way to poke fun at myself. I picked a local restaurant with plenty of patrons to make sure she would feel safe, and met her there, and did the basic stuff like smiling, holding the door, etc etc. We talked about everything from old antique coffee makers to crime podcasts, to how you bake a cake. She showed some interest, and we actually smiled at each other. I never thought such a thing could happen. We ended the date quite politely because she was pumped up to see her sister. I never thought a superficial conversation could be pleasant on a date, as I'm still thirsty for that woman who can talk intellectual things. However, this was way outside my comfort zone and I can still say it went OK. Time well spent on expanding my comfort zone. For all you daters out there, you can do it too!
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Old 24th March 2019, 7:22 PM   #2
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Garcon, I've been giving this exact advice for years. Good conversationalists don't need common interests to have an engaging conversation. My hubby and I have very little in common and still manage to chat about stuff.

There's also the thing with common interests in that they change. I've had more hobbies over the years than I could poke a stick at.
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Old 24th March 2019, 9:33 PM   #3
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Look, Garcon, I've seen your photos. With your looks you don't need to worry so much. Younger women around you may not tell you this. I'm much older than you, and I ask you: Why do you make this hard on yourself? All you have to do is flash a smile and not offend. Good looks go a long way. It doesn't seem fair, but it's how it is. You don't seem to know what you've got going.
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Old 24th March 2019, 9:56 PM   #4
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I am surrounded by Southern belles and only a tiny fraction have smiled in response to my smile and had a nice conversation - each friend I have here was earned through me being outgoing. I have tried so hard to socialize with medical students, my immediate potential dating circle, but I've not had one favorable response to my kindness, jokes, and smile - hence I have to fend for myself. I've only just met someone friendly enough to help me critique my dating profile text, so it's a you snooze you lose environment.

I've found out that people refer dates to each other at church here, and most singles are not on the dating apps because they have family friends that they date. So my only option is to strike out on my own and find the hidden social gatherings.
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Old 25th March 2019, 9:41 AM   #5
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It's always I'm not edgy enough, I'm not exciting enough, I don't instill enough mystery - hence all this effort.
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Old 25th March 2019, 5:00 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Gretchen12 View Post
Look, Garcon, I've seen your photos. With your looks you don't need to worry so much. Younger women around you may not tell you this. I'm much older than you, and I ask you: Why do you make this hard on yourself? All you have to do is flash a smile and not offend. Good looks go a long way. It doesn't seem fair, but it's how it is. You don't seem to know what you've got going.
Good looks mean nothing if you don’t have the confidence or personality to back it up.

Unless op is a teenager but if he’s an adult simply being good looking isn’t enough for most mature adults.

Last edited by Mike800; 25th March 2019 at 5:08 PM..
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Old 25th March 2019, 5:10 PM   #7
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Good looks mean nothing if you donít have the confidence or personality to back it up.

Unless op is a teenager but if heís an adult simply being good looking isnít enough for most mature adults.
I agree with you in most cases, but good looks sure as heck do give you a big head start.

Good looks is like a door opener. The junk inside may eventually turn people away, but at least it makes opening doors easier. People without good looks need a bit more effort to get things rolling before doors open for them.
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Old 25th March 2019, 5:34 PM   #8
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I agree with you in most cases, but good looks sure as heck do give you a big head start.

Good looks is like a door opener. The junk inside may eventually turn people away, but at least it makes opening doors easier. People without good looks need a bit more effortlessly rt to get things rolling before doors open for them.
I would agree it gives you an advantage for a few seconds but once you open your mouth that’s what either seals the deal or locks it

The lady I responded to made it seem like being good looking is all you need. My point was most adults need more then just looks.

Last edited by Mike800; 25th March 2019 at 5:39 PM..
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Old 25th March 2019, 9:14 PM   #9
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Good looks mean nothing if you donít have the confidence or personality to back it up.

Unless op is a teenager but if heís an adult simply being good looking isnít enough for most mature adults.
That's what I mean. He SHOULD be more confident with his looks. We're talking about initial impressions here, the first few minutes of chatting up someone, so the maturity (or lack thereof) isn't supposed to be a big factor here unless he opens his mouth and stupid offenses come out.

But yeah I have met awkward good looking people and I don't understand it. That's why I made the post above. How come some good looking people don't just sit back and be liked? Why do some of them not value themselves higher?

One time I met a well known movie star here in L.A. Of course he is hot in person too. I confidently went up to talk to him and he was painfully awkward. He tried to chat and be friendly but he was so nervous. It was reversed. I'm not hot and famous, I'm a nobody, but he was less confident. Why???
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Old 25th March 2019, 9:31 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Gretchen12 View Post
That's what I mean. He SHOULD be more confident with his looks. We're talking about initial impressions here, the first few minutes of chatting up someone, so the maturity (or lack thereof) isn't supposed to be a big factor here unless he opens his mouth and stupid offenses come out.

But yeah I have met awkward good looking people and I don't understand it. That's why I made the post above. How come some good looking people don't just sit back and be liked? Why do some of them not value themselves higher?

One time I met a well known movie star here in L.A. Of course he is hot in person too. I confidently went up to talk to him and he was painfully awkward. He tried to chat and be friendly but he was so nervous. It was reversed. I'm not hot and famous, I'm a nobody, but he was less confident. Why???
Because confidence has nothing to do with your looks. Itís from whithin


Some of the most insecure people I know are beautiful. Having good looks isnít an elixir from pain or insecurities
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Old 25th March 2019, 11:13 PM   #11
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The "halo effect" of physical attractiveness is pretty powerful. The reality , unfortunate as it may be for many of us, is that good looking people are more likely to be perceived as confident even if they're a bit short on it, and unattractive people are likely to be perceived as lacking confidence even when it's not this case (backed up by plenty of data).
Ergo, a good looking man (heterosexual, for the sake of discussion) with a confidence problem is likely to have enough positive interactions with women to gain confidence, whereas his unattractive buddy may see his confidence dwindle a bit with repetitive rejections. I would agree that an attractive dude with poor social skills may have difficulty upping his confidence , though, as initial positive interactions will tend to fizzle as a result.
I can't speak for anyone else, but the vast majority of men I've known to be successful with attractive women are good looking themselves. The exceptions have been those with considerable wealth, or in a few cases when I was younger, the ability to supply drugs in exhange for, umm, romantic interest.

Last edited by Eugeleh; 25th March 2019 at 11:17 PM..
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Old 3rd April 2019, 11:39 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Mike800 View Post
Good looks mean nothing if you donít have the confidence or personality to back it up.
So true. I'm 56 and a really good looking guy for my age. (56) I'm super buffed, go to the gym 5-6 times a week and seriously my body looks like I'm 33. But I've lost that confidence that comes with youth and not caring. I wish I had that back. I have a really nice body and personality to go with it, but I'm scared of being rejected. So I just keep working out and getting "better" without ever meeting anyone. Meanwhile, I see fat people having fun.......
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