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When they ask about your ex?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 17th March 2019, 9:53 AM   #1
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When they ask about your ex?

I've been trying to get back into the dating game recently, but I keep coming across an issue. On the first date, men like to ask me about exs and what they were like. I think on some level they are trying to understand what I like in a guy or trying to see if I have any redflags I guess.

The issue is that even though we broke up in 2016 and haven't talked to him since I still have a "soft spot" for my ex. When prompted to talk about him, all the great memories come back and I remember how I was so happy with him then, so much so that I get a lump in my throat and its hard. It's hard to speak about him in a "nonchalant" or "I don't care" manner. I know most people dating someone like that sort of disinterested/indifferent speak of the ex because reassures them, but I am not capable of this.

I normally try to tell dates that "I don't want to talk about exes" and change the topic of conversation but I think it signals "red flag" in their mind. They start to think "why don't they want to talk about their ex? what are they hiding?"

How do I navigate this situation?

Last edited by HiCrunchy; 17th March 2019 at 9:56 AM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:02 AM   #2
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Keep your responses brief, don't go into details, something like "we dated for x amount of time and realized we wanted different things" (or whatever the situation was).

I'm guessing maybe you're going into too much detail about the ex, that's why you're getting choked up about it. If only briefly referring to the ex causes that reaction then you probably need a little more time to be ready to date.
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:10 AM   #3
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Can you make up some horrible tragic story?? Ex was killed in a plane/train/car accident or something like that. If you get choked up, it will be understandable and the guy won't ask again.

Nothing wrong with a little white lie, when it really isn't any of the new guy's business (to begin with). Personally, I think it is inappropriate to ask.
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:32 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Keep your responses brief, don't go into details, something like "we dated for x amount of time and realized we wanted different things" (or whatever the situation was).

I'm guessing maybe you're going into too much detail about the ex, that's why you're getting choked up about it. If only briefly referring to the ex causes that reaction then you probably need a little more time to be ready to date.
Yeah, I try to keep it brief, but they keep digging. I'm terrible at hiding how I feel so that might be causing them to keep asking questions.

Even after 3 years, I get a shiver down my spine when I accidentally learn new info about him. Even tho I miss him, I can't keep my life on hold forever. I don't want to wait to date anymore, 3 years is enough, so decided I am putting myself out there and meeting new people.
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:33 AM   #5
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Can you make up some horrible tragic story?? Ex was killed in a plane/train/car accident or something like that. If you get choked up, it will be understandable and the guy won't ask again.

Nothing wrong with a little white lie, when it really isn't any of the new guy's business (to begin with). Personally, I think it is inappropriate to ask.
So true. But I have been guilty of asking in the past. I think people want that reassurance. Not sure if I want to start a relationship on a lie lol.
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:47 AM   #6
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Not sure if I want to start a relationship on a lie lol.
So if the relationship works out, you come clean and explain why you told your "little white lie". In the end, the guy really won't care, because (by then) he will have won the prize (you)!
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:38 AM   #7
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I was trying to figure out why they would ask about the ex. That is the last topic I want to discuss or know about a current boyfriend.

Is it to determine if you have him or her in your life and they would be an obstacle to a new relationship? Or why do they ask?
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:46 AM   #8
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You can take one of two approaches here, honest, or misleading. I generally take the honest approach with ladies, who all claim they appreciate it, but honesty will fail you more often than not.

With the honest approach, you just lay it all out there. Whatever happens, happens. If you choke up and show this new guy that you are obviously not over your ex, which you seriously are not, then most guys will bail. However, there is a chance (depending on your overall desirability) that some guys will want to be with you anyway. To them, you might be worth the chance they are taking.

You also have a dishonest approach. You can lie, mislead, hide, or try to gloss over your relationship with your ex and your still strong, lingering feelings for the guy. Maybe you can keep your feelings hidden, maybe you can't. Even if you do succeed at hiding your feelings from new guys, this could end poorly for you in the long run. Exes have a way of coming back into our lives. Maybe you will see that ex of yours out at dinner when you are with your new guy, get caught all up in your feelings and scare this new guy of yours off. Or, maybe the ex will come back into your life one day looking for easy sex, something guys often do. What do you do then?
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:01 PM   #9
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You also have a dishonest approach. You can lie, mislead...
I've found lying/misleading to work out just fine. Some lies I'll take to my grave.

I've also moved around A LOT, very little chance of running into an ex. Moreover, I'd think they would have trouble finding me.
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:06 PM   #10
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It is better to let him fall for you before you let him know that you are not over your ex, and will likely never have closure with him.

(Unless he becomes available, so you guys can reunite, and you can some how properly lose interest in him.)

Honesty is overated.
Get him "locked in" first.
Then you will be his prize.

Because that is what every guy is looking for (and deserves) is a woman who will lie, and minupulate him emotionally, and feel completely justified in doing so.

He is trying to guard his emotional wellbeing by making sure you dont dump him for your ex, when the ex who broke your heart is ready to "reunite" in some capacity.

The current guy's concerns, and his questions are COMPLETELY inappropriate.

Last edited by Decorum; 17th March 2019 at 12:09 PM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:40 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by enigma32 View Post
You can take one of two approaches here, honest, or misleading. I generally take the honest approach with ladies, who all claim they appreciate it, but honesty will fail you more often than not.

With the honest approach, you just lay it all out there. Whatever happens, happens. If you choke up and show this new guy that you are obviously not over your ex, which you seriously are not, then most guys will bail. However, there is a chance (depending on your overall desirability) that some guys will want to be with you anyway. To them, you might be worth the chance they are taking.

You also have a dishonest approach. You can lie, mislead, hide, or try to gloss over your relationship with your ex and your still strong, lingering feelings for the guy. Maybe you can keep your feelings hidden, maybe you can't. Even if you do succeed at hiding your feelings from new guys, this could end poorly for you in the long run. Exes have a way of coming back into our lives. Maybe you will see that ex of yours out at dinner when you are with your new guy, get caught all up in your feelings and scare this new guy of yours off. Or, maybe the ex will come back into your life one day looking for easy sex, something guys often do. What do you do then?
I think honesty will fail me. I know that being deceitful isn't something I am good at either, which is why I opted for not talking about it at all. But I think guys feel uneasy when I don't want to talk about the subject.

I don't know what I will do. If by some strange set of circumstances bumped into my ex. I'd probably leave the room/avoid him. I've tried to act cool and smile in the past, but his reaction was always a "stone face", avoiding eye contact, leaving the room, and "closed" body language. As you can tell, he hates me.

Well, I think my ex is the weird guy and doesn't do the typical guy things. I don't imagine I'll ever hear from him again. I have removed any and every possible way for him to contact me and he now lives on the other side of the country, so bumping into him won't be an issue, for now. Plus he made very clear that he doesn't want me, so I don't think any of the above will happen, especially after 3 years and his past reactions to me. I don't think a new guy will have any issues, to be honest. That past relationship is dead.

I am hoping that my getting new love, it can overtake or maybe replace the old one because being single hasn't really helped. But I have to fall in love with someone new first, so I have to move past this obstacle.
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:46 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Cersei View Post
I was trying to figure out why they would ask about the ex. That is the last topic I want to discuss or know about a current boyfriend.

Is it to determine if you have him or her in your life and they would be an obstacle to a new relationship? Or why do they ask?
IDK, I am surprised by how often I get this question.

I was thinking of going with "I haven't talked to him in 3 years. I hope he is well." and leave it at that. I think it will provide the reassurance they are looking for within the question.
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:50 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
I've found lying/misleading to work out just fine. Some lies I'll take to my grave.

I've also moved around A LOT, very little chance of running into an ex. Moreover, I'd think they would have trouble finding me.
Makes me wish I was a better liar. I just don't have it in me I guess.
How do I get better at it lemming? lol
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:59 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Decorum View Post
It is better to let him fall for you before you let him know that you are not over your ex, and will likely never have closure with him.

(Unless he becomes available, so you guys can reunite, and you can some how properly lose interest in him.)

Honesty is overated.
Get him "locked in" first.
Then you will be his prize.

Because that is what every guy is looking for (and deserves) is a woman who will lie, and minupulate him emotionally, and feel completely justified in doing so.

He is trying to guard his emotional wellbeing by making sure you dont dump him for your ex, when the ex who broke your heart is ready to "reunite" in some capacity.

The current guy's concerns, and his questions are COMPLETELY inappropriate.
Thanks for the advice. I'll take it into consideration.
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Old 17th March 2019, 4:22 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by HiCrunchy View Post
Makes me wish I was a better liar. I just don't have it in me I guess.
How do I get better at it lemming? lol
If you're a really good liar, you can even lie about not being a good liar. That's usually done by instinct of the good liar.
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