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Anyone else struggle with emotions and dating?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 9th March 2019, 1:17 PM   #1
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Anyone else struggle with emotions and dating?

Hello All,

I have come out of a relationship a year ago now and I decided I wasn't going to look for anything for at least six months or date anyone. I fell into dating a man from my work. (I say my work he is connected to my work, we don't sit in an office next to one another - I see him once every 3-4 months at meetings on average).

I thought he was nice, my age, funny but didn't really know him. Long story short, he was extremely flakey. One word texts, turned up late, didn't arrange dates very often. I found this really hard, much harder than I ever thought I would. I was in tears, had feelings of rage. I am sure this is old wounds coming up for me. Anyway I ended things and that was now 4 months ago.

I feel quite scared to date again, this is silly as I'm a brave person...all the things I've done in my life. When I think of dating I think of all the disappointments which this recent experience reminded me of, the sinking feeling you get when they don't call, when you just feel so unimportant in their lives. I really struggle with the emotions.

I just wonder when I will be 'normal' again and able to cope with dating without crying at the smallest disappointment?


Sunny
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Old 9th March 2019, 2:26 PM   #2
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Just a suggestion: maybe see the whole thing as feeling lack of control. You want to be able to predict this or that should happen. When it doesn't, you're frustrated. Sometimes it is a nice exercise to live and do some things completely random and spontaneous. Can be as simple as taking a different route on your commute. Or if you travel, take off without a plan. In dating as in life, be serious and sincere but be prepared for the unexpected.
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Old 9th March 2019, 3:11 PM   #3
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We've all had trouble with roller coaster emotions, and especially in the beginning when you don't want to just run the other person off, you will hold back and let them get away with stuff like being late, when you should just, at 20 minutes after if having not heard a good excuse from him yet, pick up your purse and go out and not be there when and if he shows up. You train people how to treat you.

It's down to ethics. An ethical person will not BE late without a good reason and contacting you if possible. A jerk will look at you now chewing him out and still being available when he shows up late as a pushover who he can do whatever he wants to and act badly with and have no care or obligations with and will take full advantage of that. And there are plenty of guys who will do that if you stick around. Learn to see the red flag and BAIL early so you don't get attached just because they're nice to you when you're having sex, because that means n-o-t-h-i-n-g except that they're in love with sex.
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Old 9th March 2019, 3:51 PM   #4
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Perhaps this is the coward's way out, but I usually try to keep myself busy either with work or various hobbies (photography, cooking, martial arts, tennis, etc.). Having such a large amount of activities and also the schedule keeps you from having long idle periods of time to stew.

I think for me personally, it's a confidence booster since, to me, I feel like I'm defined by a lot more than just a relationship with someone else.

I'm not saying it eliminate the emotional stress, but, at least for me, it lessens it to a degree.
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Old 9th March 2019, 4:32 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen12 View Post
Just a suggestion: maybe see the whole thing as feeling lack of control. You want to be able to predict this or that should happen. When it doesn't, you're frustrated. Sometimes it is a nice exercise to live and do some things completely random and spontaneous. Can be as simple as taking a different route on your commute. Or if you travel, take off without a plan. In dating as in life, be serious and sincere but be prepared for the unexpected.
Great points! And you need to have things going on in your life that you really care about. For women, i think it's a little bit harder because we care about and put high value (often the highest) our personal relationships such as friendships, dating, family. So a little tougher to get around than it probably is for guys but anyhow, if you know what you should do all you need to do is execute that.

I agree 100% with Gretchen. I think you are jumping to the end. "Where is this going, is he the one" rather than just living in the moment and not taking it or yourself so seriously. Sometimes a relationship is just meant to be an experience that teaches you something, that you enjoy until you don't anymore. So take the pressure and emotion off yourself by adopting that mentality. Be more carefree, set other "goals" when you go on a date. Reduce what you want the "outcome" to be. Rather than create the ideal, perfect, husband-type relationship, maybe it's just a fun night that is about the activity you guys chose to do and getting to know someone a little better and test your dating abilities, exercise your charm so to speak. If you shift your perspective it can change things. Funny if you take the pressure off (which the other person usually feels in some way or another), good things happen. You also stop trying to "sell" yourself to the other person and turn much more into a "buyer". Is this person worthy enough to take up space in my life? What value does he add? How would he really fit in? It's magnetic typically to have that perspective shift. I hope you try it. Good luck
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Everybody's like: He's no item,Please don't like em, He don't wife em, He one nights em,I never listened No. I shoulda figured though. All that sh*t you was spittin',So unoriginal, But it was you. So I was with it. Then tell you the truth, Wish we never did it. If you was really the realest, Wouldn't be fightin' it.I think your pride is just...In the way
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Old 10th March 2019, 1:02 AM   #6
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Sunnyday ... my response ... your reaction simply shows that you want to go out a lot more frequently ... and give your more mature self some credit. You won't put up with all the stuff you put up with as a younger person.

So those alarms and fears sounding off ... they're over-reacting ... acting out of habit and reflex ... you were disappointed that this guy seemed to have potential and then turned out to be such a flake ...

So you put a lot of hope into this guy ... Ok ... now, keep meeting people and keep going out.
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Old 11th March 2019, 4:35 PM   #7
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Yes I did put a lot of hope in him! He was a major disappointment. I learnt, I'm okay now. It was the first toe in the dating pond since my relationship and I was a bit vulnerable.

I see it as a learning experience. I feel braver and wiser now.
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Old 13th March 2019, 1:33 AM   #8
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Hi Sunny, how long did you date him?
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:30 AM   #9
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Someone on this forum once wrote that one should go into the dating world with no expectations. Enjoy each date with the person you like as if it were your last because it could very well be, with that person.

Planning for a long-term relationship has proven to be a disappointment. So I date and try and date again. In the mean time, I try to enjoy what little fun each date brings my way. Hopefully one day I'll find the one.

If there are enough red flags by the first few dates, I'm out. There's no point in wasting time or sticking around long enough to get attached.

I have also learned that taking things slow gives me time to reflect on each date. That way I'm not blindly swept away by the excitement of getting into a potential relationship. It's a work in progress.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:42 AM   #10
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Someone on this forum once wrote that one should go into the dating world with no expectations. Enjoy each date with the person you like as if it were your last because it could very well be, with that person.

Planning for a long-term relationship has proven to be a disappointment. So I date and try and date again. In the mean time, I try to enjoy what little fun each date brings my way. Hopefully one day I'll find the one.

If there are enough red flags by the first few dates, I'm out. There's no point in wasting time or sticking around long enough to get attached.

I have also learned that taking things slow gives me time to reflect on each date. That way I'm not blindly swept away by the excitement of getting into a potential relationship. It's a work in progress.
This is good advice.
Also, perhaps focus on more on self-care and less on dating. This helped me better analyze the impact that potential relationships might have on my personal life. If you are crying at the slightest disappointment, it might be good to take a break from dating for a little while to find yourself again. Or take it less seriously at least.
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Old 20th March 2019, 7:50 PM   #11
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YES, girl!

I'm noticing this myself. The older I get, the stronger I feel in so many ways. But, at the same time... I think my heart has worn out a bit. The beginning BS of dating has felt like a bit too much for me and then I want to crawl into a cave. Can we just hurry to where the laying around, snuggling, and trust is? Lol
The early stages of dating can be hard. But, I am glad you posted this topic and I'm thankful for some of the replies here because there are some great ideas for changing the mindset. I will try. As soon as i crawl out of my cave again.
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Old 20th March 2019, 8:21 PM   #12
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Hell, I'm just holding out for a sex robot and then it's sayonara to the dating scene.
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Old 21st March 2019, 9:50 PM   #13
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Can we just hurry to where the laying around, snuggling, and trust is? Lol
Haha! 100% agree!

It's so hard to get back to normal after a failed relationship. However, I think it's totally worth it to try again once you're back on your feet. Feeling love for and cuddling up with your sweetheart is so wonderful!
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Old 22nd March 2019, 12:41 AM   #14
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lt is it is.
But lately l'm wondering . The maintenance , the trying , the complications that come with even it seems the best of them , relationships, after marriage, after other stuff, man , so much easier alone and l'm really wondering if it's even worth bothering.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 6:16 PM   #15
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The maintenance , the trying , the complications that come with even it seems the best of them ... l'm really wondering if it's even worth bothering.
Yes, it is worth bothering! As long as there is a commitment to an open dialog and solving problems together, these issues can be managed. Expectations need to be realistic too. Speaking for myself, I'm super excited about this idea, and it's going well so far. My goal is never to hear the words, "Why didn't you tell me?"
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