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Do women who are very successful have difficulty dating


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:03 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by PhillyLibertyBelle View Post
How did you cope with reversing your tendencies to be ďdemureĒ and did you feel odd or inauthentic holding your tongue etc.?
I still struggle with it. DH sometimes has to remind me that I'm trying to debate people about issues who just want to believe what they want to believe from an uninformed emotional place, not an intellectual one & I get frustrated.

It felt a little inauthentic to bite my tongue but not like I was selling my soul. Two things from my initial encounters with DH.

We met at a business card exchange. He wasn't taking any flirtatious initiative but I thought he was really hot & I wanted to go out with him. Upon meeting him I actually thought he was a player because he was that good looking & I was up for a whirlwind romance. Unlike many women I liked players because they "Give good date." You know there will be romance; it will be exciting & he'll be good in bed. You just can't give your heart away. So I was flirting under that premise. Unbeknownst to me at the time, DH was the furthest thing from a player & he'd had about 3 dates in the last 10 years. I was at a loss as to why he wasn't picking up the signals I was throwing out. In desperation to make him feel more masculine & to get some alone time with him, when the event was winding down I asked him to walk me to my car in a nearby parking garage because I didn't like the blind corners in garages after dark. We were in a very safe location so he thought I was a bit daft but his sense of chivalry compelled him to walk me. He didn't even shake my hand good bye / good night. I went home convinced I needed to up my game.

As I had been taught to do, I followed up the business event by reaching out. Normally this is a nice to meet you e-mail. My in box was flooded with similar messages the next day. To be different & to stand apart I sent a hand written note to his work. I already had professional note cards printed up for this eventually, to get new business by sending more then an throw away e-mail.

He called me in response to the card & offered to come to my office the following Monday evening. I was disheartened because that read like business / sales meeting not date. I let him come because I wanted every shot I could take to wrangle a date without doing the asking. Remember I was trying to be demure & more beta. He came to my office & we discussed business for about 20 minutes then he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat at a local low end restaurant. I was again disappointed because I didn't care for the restaurant choice. Unbeknownst to me, he selected that place because it was a "nice" restaurant & he thought he was stepping up his game to impress me. For a few seconds I contemplated suggesting an alternative restaurant but reminded myself that suggestion was me wresting control so we went with his choice. Years later when we talked about that date DH admits that if I had suggested some place else, it probably would have caused him to never ask me on a 2nd date because I would have been too high maintenance in his eyes.

I hope those examples help you find a balance that works for you.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:20 PM   #17
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Women who are successful in whatever capacity are in the same danger of being used as men are, even if it's not a lot of money, but they have something else, like I did, access to music and concerts, etc. There were always people who'd try to hang on for what they could get out of it.

And then even if you sorted those out, there were the typical problems of dating someone who's too young or too poor to have much and be able to keep up with you and it's not good for their ego and limits what you can do together.

You like each other, but seems like there's guys who can't handle that, feel they need that power card and don't feel secure without it.

That said, you just have to fish in a different pond. And the bigger issue is the age-old one that as you are successful, it's likely you're not in your 20s anymore either, and so part of the problem is simply your age, not your success. Social stuff drops off.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:35 PM   #18
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the more someone (man or woman) has to offer the harder it is to find a suitable match. most people want to date/marry someone who is their equal or better
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Old 2nd March 2019, 7:06 PM   #19
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Hmm I’m in my 40s and get many dating opportunities with those. Although I don’t particularly like doctors or people in the medical field unless they’re researchers; I prefer lawyers who are usually more interesting brain-wise.

But I do think me being kinda an alpha woman might not be ideal for the kind of men I ultimately want to end up with. It’s usully two strong willed people together which creates tension. The Beta guys love me :/ but I can’t make myself love them back.

As opposed to you I probably wouldn’t date a man who has a lower income or less education unless he left everything to be an entrepreneur. I am basically attracted to doers. But that has never been a problem as in my city many men are equal or more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhillyLibertyBelle View Post
Typically age appropriate doctors/lawyers/dentists want younger women.
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Last edited by edgygirl; 2nd March 2019 at 7:09 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 7:59 PM   #20
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Typically age appropriate doctors/lawyers/dentists want younger women.

Without lying and not being authentic how is a woman supposed to just show that at her foundation sheís a woman the same as any other and that she is capable of giving and receiving love and sheís not a ďgambleĒ just because she may have more resources? What I have doesnít mean Iím not sincere and open to a date from any walk of life who is a good person and interested in me.
Honestly that's a tough one. You wouldn't be lying, you would be being authentic. But I think you'd have to establish quite a bit of trust with the prospective partner. Not sure how to accomplish that specifically other than putting some real time in and showing you are trustworthy, explaining your intent etc.

You could also emphasize the benefits (i.e. financial security) as a partner viz a woman who earns less. Also pointing out that if there were to be a divorce THEY would probably receive spousal support, etc. All this makes it a "better bet" perhaps?

Note: I'm pretty sure they ARE male gold-diggers to watch out for, but hopefully you'd be able to weed them out?

For some men there is also a pride/identity issue here (i.e. traditional breadwinner sort of thing). If it were me, I wouldn't even try with them unless they have a real ability to get over that.

You could look for the exceptions to the successful men out there who want younger women. I'm sure there are a certain percentage who seek more of an equal. The trick would be finding them.

You could also consider flipping the script and dating younger men yourself. Or looking for men who want a dominant partner (they are out there as well and your success is an plus for this, I believe). But it sounds like maybe you're not into either of those things.

I think the real trick might be to just keep at it until you find the right person who you click with (in total, success included)?
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:00 PM   #21
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l don't see why anyone has to hold their tongue anymore than anyone else, we all have to clamp it sometimes.
ln this case it's not like there's not millions of very very intelligent and successful men around.
l think it's more about just getting along and being like minded no matter who you are, wanting the same things, liking similar things and lifestyle. But again that's just everybody else's problem to it's hard to find for anyone whomever we are, street sweeper, rocket scientist, check out chick.

My older brothers married to one of the brightest women in the country , he's just a tradesman , but guess what , they've out survived everyone, 35yrs or so at a guess.
They just get along , wanted the same things, think a lot alike , just into each other.
So hang in there when you find your fit nothing else will matter.
Good luck
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:03 PM   #22
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But I do think me being kinda an alpha woman might not be ideal for the kind of men I ultimately want to end up with. Itís usully two strong willed people together which creates tension.

I know some folks that fit this description. They are still together after many years but there has been a LOT of conflict and now there seems to be a LOT of wine needed. At least they can afford it...
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:10 PM   #23
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He called me in response to the card & offered to come to my office the following Monday evening. I was disheartened because that read like business / sales meeting not date. I let him come because I wanted every shot I could take to wrangle a date without doing the asking. Remember I was trying to be demure & more beta. He came to my office & we discussed business for about 20 minutes then he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat at a local low end restaurant. I was again disappointed because I didn't care for the restaurant choice. Unbeknownst to me, he selected that place because it was a "nice" restaurant & he thought he was stepping up his game to impress me. For a few seconds I contemplated suggesting an alternative restaurant but reminded myself that suggestion was me wresting control so we went with his choice. Years later when we talked about that date DH admits that if I had suggested some place else, it probably would have caused him to never ask me on a 2nd date because I would have been too high maintenance in his eyes.

I hope those examples help you find a balance that works for you.
Oh, I'm very controlling about where to eat out because I do it more than any of my friends, much more I guess.

Very smart of you to ask him to walk you to your car. So now what does he say about that restaurant? Does he genuinely like it or was it just convenient to your office or what? Is he good about restaurants now? I know I'm too opinionated, but back when I was in my 20s, I wasn't eating out much, so didn't bump up against that. If someone was paying for my meal, I was just happy to go because I was so broke that first couple of years in Dallas. I did do something rude on one date though, and it was a fancy restaurant. The guy was taking me for a steak, an expensive one, and I was all happy about it, but when the steak came, it was sitting in melted butter - never seen that before but that's how some places do. Here in Texas, you just want it charbroiled or grilled ideally, and I honestly just couldn't hardly even eat it and griped about it being swimming in butter. Yuck. So I should have shut up and ate it, obviously. I didn't have that type of restraint back then. I can't remember but I think I got them to pour off the butter!!
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:13 PM   #24
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I'm not conventionally successful, but I'd like to chime in.

The girls in my gifted class married later than most of our peers. I think more successful women have more going on (college, projects, etc) and have much less need for a man. One married just a few years ago, and the other married someone from college.

My ex from years ago said I was intimidating and later broke up with me. Im pretty, workout, love to read, and was tested as gifted.
My latest ex said I already had a life before when we met.


I do ok financially, and I'm self employed. I'm not desperate for a man's money is that means I can delay dating. If i were dating, I'd be at a disadvantage bc of my age.

I have some quirks for sure.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 3:59 AM   #25
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Honestly that's a tough one. You wouldn't be lying, you would be being authentic. But I think you'd have to establish quite a bit of trust with the prospective partner. Not sure how to accomplish that specifically other than putting some real time in and showing you are trustworthy, explaining your intent etc.

You could also emphasize the benefits (i.e. financial security) as a partner viz a woman who earns less. Also pointing out that if there were to be a divorce THEY would probably receive spousal support, etc. All this makes it a "better bet" perhaps?

Note: I'm pretty sure they ARE male gold-diggers to watch out for, but hopefully you'd be able to weed them out?

For some men there is also a pride/identity issue here (i.e. traditional breadwinner sort of thing). If it were me, I wouldn't even try with them unless they have a real ability to get over that.

You could look for the exceptions to the successful men out there who want younger women. I'm sure there are a certain percentage who seek more of an equal. The trick would be finding them.

You could also consider flipping the script and dating younger men yourself. Or looking for men who want a dominant partner (they are out there as well and your success is an plus for this, I believe). But it sounds like maybe you're not into either of those things.

I think the real trick might be to just keep at it until you find the right person who you click with (in total, success included)?
Iím not sure this is realistic in itís entirety.

You canít build trust with someone who writes you off from the first meeting or even thought of meeting you.

Iím open to dating younger men but frankly at age 50 I am not sure how many would want to date me.

Emphasis on my resources and social standing and how it could benefit a potential fate makes me a sugar momma or someone who is basically looking to buy a person and thatís not going to align with my moral compass and my wish is to meet a wonderful person not a prostitute or someone who wants to use me.

Being alone for the rest of my life isnít all that appealing, but maybe thatís what happens at this age?
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Old 3rd March 2019, 4:09 AM   #26
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l don't see why anyone has to hold their tongue anymore than anyone else, we all have to clamp it sometimes.
ln this case it's not like there's not millions of very very intelligent and successful men around.
l think it's more about just getting along and being like minded no matter who you are, wanting the same things, liking similar things and lifestyle. But again that's just everybody else's problem to it's hard to find for anyone whomever we are, street sweeper, rocket scientist, check out chick.

My older brothers married to one of the brightest women in the country , he's just a tradesman , but guess what , they've out survived everyone, 35yrs or so at a guess.
They just get along , wanted the same things, think a lot alike , just into each other.
So hang in there when you find your fit nothing else will matter.
Good luck
If there were only more Chilliís in the world
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Old 3rd March 2019, 5:20 AM   #27
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Iím not super successful, but probably more successful than most women my age and have more going for me. I struggle to be attracted to men that have less to offer. 99% of men on OLD sites have less to offer, the other 1% want 20 year olds. In real life, nobody is single even though I frequently meet men I would like and date if they were single. Thatís how itís probably going to end up for me. If by some stroke of luck, one of those men divorce - I may someday find a match

Otherwise, if I get fired and lose everything, I will just jump on Tinder and have plenty of men on the same level.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 6:03 AM   #28
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Iím not super successful, but probably more successful than most women my age and have more going for me. I struggle to be attracted to men that have less to offer. 99% of men on OLD sites have less to offer, the other 1% want 20 year olds. In real life, nobody is single even though I frequently meet men I would like and date if they were single. Thatís how itís probably going to end up for me. If by some stroke of luck, one of those men divorce - I may someday find a match

Otherwise, if I get fired and lose everything, I will just jump on Tinder and have plenty of men on the same level.
I agree.

Interesting thought: is it an age thing, a woman thing or a problem with the male sense of ďmasculinityĒ that makes women such as us a ďgambleĒ?
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Old 3rd March 2019, 7:10 AM   #29
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From what I see around me in real life, people who want to be in a relationship don't remain single very long at any age, regardless of social status or 'hypergamy' or wealth.

I'm personally very particular in terms of compatible common values and personality traits (not education levels or wealth or any specific physical traits) that it would be as effective to actively look for someone as it would be leaving it to fate, but I can't help but think that if you can't find a compatibe partner despite actively trying very hard for a long time, it's either because deep down you don't actually want to be in a relationship, or you are self-sabotaging in some way (consciously or unconsciously), imo.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 7:17 AM   #30
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In real life, nobody is single even though I frequently meet men I would like and date if they were single. Thatís how itís probably going to end up for me. If by some stroke of luck, one of those men divorce - I may someday find a match
I guess this is why so many women end up in affairs. They find the good, solid and stable guys are taken and so they pitch at married guys hoping they can persuade the married man to leave his wife.
Some are "lucky" or play it right and do indeed steal "the prize" away from his wife, but many playing that game are sorely disappointed.
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