LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > In Search Of...

The Connection Thing


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

Like Tree28Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th February 2019, 6:27 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 3
Question The Connection Thing

Hi - new member here.

I'm a 52-year-old father of 2. Divorced just over a year after 22yrs of marriage. Professional, intelligent, in decent shape, have good hygiene and wear nice clothes. I am not wealthy, and I don't have movie-star looks. But I'm not poor or homely either.

I'm dating and am concerned about something that appears to be turning into a common theme.

Two women that I was really attracted to went on dates with me. With both ladies, we had a great time and spent over two hours together.

Saying goodbye, both said they'd like to see me again, then ghosted for a while. When they finally reached out, they said they didn't feel a connection and didn't want a second date.

A third woman who I didn't date said that regardless of what anyone says, it's a law of human attraction that if you don't feel THAT spark within 30 seconds of meeting someone, there is no chance for romance.

Given that I'm an average looking guy this is starting to alarm me. Is this really the way it is - I have to "be" a certain guy and women know within minutes of meeting me whether I have a chance?

Because if so, it looks like I'm going to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.

BG
BlownFuse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 7:50 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 1,037
Nooooo.
l'm not in the states but it def' isn't like your thinking here.
Butttt, l was divorced about your age and of course l met some women who weren't interested or l wasn't interested.
You can't have all that with just anyone of the street. lt takes time.
you might meet 30 women before you connect with someone.They'll probably meet 30 guys before they connect with someone. But l can say that in the end they start coming out of the woodwork left and right. l think l had more choices in the end at this age than in 20s , just takes time.
You want that connection to don't you ?
True connection is all kinds of things , looks alone is not a connection , well not a lasting one anyway.They actually sounded like they were talking about the real connection anyway, not looks.
Don't worry about it be patient , things will happen. Besides your only 1yr divorced, the more time the better.

Last edited by chillii; 24th February 2019 at 7:52 AM..
chillii is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 8:33 AM   #3
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 3,441
There are very few where the connection occurs, whether that takes 30 seconds or 3 hours or more. I met about 50 women (out of hundreds of good contacts). Of those, there were only 7 or 8 where we both wanted to have another date, but those lasted a while if we did.

So, don't get discouraged. Most first dates are last dates.
central is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 11:44 AM   #4
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 15,555
Women are like snowflakes. None two are alike, and what they find attractive is not alike. Some like myself have a different idea what is physically attractive. I have had relationships with the very attractive to the not very attractive at all. It's chemistry that no one can really explain is the prime factor. It's frustrating yes, dating sucks, even for the real attractive, because you want to find that someone who makes your brain go off like popcorn in a microwave.

You are getting dates, and that says you are attractive enough for them to give you a shot. You need to have some patience just like everyone else. In the meantime, hit the gym, get a new wardrobe, new hair style, get some new hobbies. Being off the market for so long, you might be a little stale. Time to freshen things up with yourself.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 12:02 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 10,117
You probably need to flirt a little more. A lot of women will find the most average-looking guy sexy as hell if he knows how to subtly arouse her interest.

The best first dates for me have been the ones where the guy gives me "that look", lightly touches me at appropriate times, gets me laughing and having fun, playfully teases me just a bit, and definitely gives me at least some kind of kiss at the end of the date.
__________________
What you focus on grows. -Esther Hicks
Ruby Slippers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 12:27 PM   #6
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 15,555
I agree....it's about how you carry yourself on dates. The teasing/flirting is the best part. No one need to know your life's story, ya gotta be fun and interesting.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 1:00 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,534
First of all, the good news is that 3 people is hardly a population sample. You just need to meet more people. For the people you will connect with it's not everyone so you do need to cycle through more people--basically it's a numbers game. You might get lucky and meet that person right away but maybe not. So don't get discouraged--keep trying and keep refining how you interact with others.

So secondly, do you think it's possible that after so long with the same person, that you aren't really that great at dating? It's one thing what you are on paper and another how comfortable and well you carry yourself on the date. I agree with the others that you probably need to flirt and get better at your game. You have to help create the spark. I'm guessing you are rusty or missed all those years at becoming good at dating. Lastly, maybe if you feel burned at all--or just even flat, kinda deflated, you are bringing that to the dates. You might not even be aware of it, nor could the women put their finger on it exactly. I would say wanting to fill the void of being with a partner is different than wanting a specific person and/or being excited about who you are and what you bring in life. Shoot for the second thing. Good luck
__________________
Everybody's like: He's no item,Please don't like em, He don't wife em, He one nights em,I never listened No. I shoulda figured though. All that sh*t you was spittin',So unoriginal, But it was you. So I was with it. Then tell you the truth, Wish we never did it. If you was really the realest, Wouldn't be fightin' it.I think your pride is just...In the way
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 1:44 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,083
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlownFuse View Post
Two women that I was really attracted to went on dates with me. With both ladies, we had a great time and spent over two hours together.

Saying goodbye, both said they'd like to see me again, then ghosted for a while. When they finally reached out, they said they didn't feel a connection and didn't want a second date.

A third woman who I didn't date said that regardless of what anyone says, it's a law of human attraction that if you don't feel THAT spark within 30 seconds of meeting someone, there is no chance for romance.

Given that I'm an average looking guy this is starting to alarm me. Is this really the way it is - I have to "be" a certain guy and women know within minutes of meeting me whether I have a chance?

Could you make up your mind which timeframe you are asking about? You're all over the place here.



I don't think you can know within 30 seconds and probably not within minutes (unless it was really godawful). But 2 hours of conversation? Yes, I think it's reasonable to know whether there's a chance of a connection developing or not, by then.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 1:48 PM   #9
Established Member
 
alphamale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Detroit, MI :lmao:
Posts: 35,747
great advice smackie9
__________________
"Every form of refuge has its price"

- The Eagles
alphamale is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 1:58 PM   #10
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,832
Take comfort in the fact that everyone is different what they like. And not every woman is a must have spark woman either. Some are more lowkey and just like to be content with someone and comfortable. Some like an exciting outgoing guy and some like a sweet quieter guy. Some like a stoic manly type. Some like one they can stir up all kinds of drama with.

The only thing to be careful of is if you get in a rut (two is not a rut) then consider if you're choosing the wrong women. I know it's hard to know, though.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 4:41 PM   #11
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
Could you make up your mind which timeframe you are asking about? You're all over the place here.
I've been told it takes 30 seconds to know.

I've also been told it takes 5 minutes to know.

I've spent hours with my prospects and it felt like it went well enough to continue with a second date to see what happens - what develops.

I don't think it can possibly happen within minutes (and 30 seconds is certainly within minutes). So my understanding is that if she doesn't feel like she might want to jump in bed on the first date - even though she probably is too decent to do so - then she'll never feel that way.

Like someone else said - if it happens that fast, it's probably not going to last.

So damn . . . . maybe get to know someone.

BG
BlownFuse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 4:45 PM   #12
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
I agree....it's about how you carry yourself on dates. The teasing/flirting is the best part. No one need to know your life's story, ya gotta be fun and interesting.

Teasing and flirting *is* the fun part. And I've done that, tastefully, with mixed results. Some don't mind, others play along, and others, well . . . . one woman told me I was creepy for accidentally touching her hand across the table while reaching for her empty wine glass.
BlownFuse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 6:36 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 690
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlownFuse View Post
Hi - new member here.


Two women that I was really attracted to went on dates with me. With both ladies, we had a great time and spent over two hours together.

Saying goodbye, both said they'd like to see me again, then ghosted for a while. When they finally reached out, they said they didn't feel a connection and didn't want a second date.

A third woman who I didn't date said that regardless of what anyone says, it's a law of human attraction that if you don't feel THAT spark within 30 seconds of meeting someone, there is no chance for romance.

BG
Sorry to hear that you are striking out. Dating is difficult and TBH I think dating nowadays extremely shallow. There are so many men and women who do not want that commitment.


As for the 3rd woman, that is kinda true, but not the rule. There were def guys who turned me off the moment I met them, they just gave me the creeps. After getting lead on by guys I felt a spark w/, I was cautious about that infatuation. I would wait out feeling that spark to see the real person. It is attraction, but also connection.
I'veseenbetterlol is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 6:38 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,534
I think part of your "mistake" from your subsequent posts is assuming that all women will respond the same way. If there was one EXACT formula, then anyone and everyone could be successful with anyone and everyone. You need to tailor your ability to make a connection to the person in front of you. Not by being fake or not yourself but by picking up on what might be right for that person, hopefully with some level of accuracy.

That said, there are generalizations of what a person can do to increase those odds. Which you could probably figure out and get better with more practice, i.e. more dates,i.e. a larger sample population lol. You would get better at expressing who you are in a more magnetic way and reading the other person. I'd imagine with the one person who recoiled at your hand it was too soon or out of the context where that was ok for her. I know it was an accidental brush but the fact that you are surprised and that she didn't really take it as a mistake means perhaps you are not reading your dates very well. (of course, it could also mean that she was not attracted to you, it was much too soon for her and she is conservative but i'd guess it was a little bit you and a little bit her.) Sure are there people for which you can do almost everything "right" and they still aren't into you, of course. Like i said there is no exact formula.

I think people latch onto little things that might be true. In the course of your post, several of us said similar things, basically to flirt more. I wonder why so many of us said that? IMO, just reading through the lines, something read a little flat. Not picking on you. Just telling you the vibe i got that idk maybe the dates were a little dull & in which case physical interaction would probably not be welcomed, nor a second date. Also your situation alone, coming out of long term marriage almost guarantees that you would be a little rusty with dating. I'm not saying it's impossible at all. I just think you are smart to notice at 3 dates in that something isn't working. I would hope for you that you don't become bitter and just know that you have something to offer the right person. You both need to keep searching for the right person AND make sure you are presenting yourself as a good catch. Like if you are settled into your life too much yet on a first date, i would say it'd be important to show that you had a good vibrant life not the opposite. (however vibrant is true for you). Good luck
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 6:49 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 946
A lot of times new performers, actors, politicians, teachers, are surprised when they watch videos of their own presentations. My guess is that if someone filmed your dates and you watched the video, you'd immediately know what you can improve on. And these are often little things you can change easily. When you were married you didn't need to be aware. Now you should still be yourself, but more polished?
Gretchen12 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Connection or no connection? What's the next step? LifesHype Dating 10 25th September 2009 2:16 AM
Assistance in explaining the CONNECTION thing basscatcher General Relationship Discussion 16 17th November 2006 3:50 AM
Love Connection yani Dating 2 10th February 2003 1:04 PM
connection scotch In Search Of... 2 6th December 2002 6:24 PM
Star Connection Girl... Druid... Archive 0 7th August 2001 3:09 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:44 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.