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Anyone else angry and bitter about dating never working out?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 22nd February 2019, 8:55 AM   #1
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Anyone else angry and bitter about dating never working out?

I’ve been extremely angry and with rage that with men and dating never working out in my favor. I never get chosen, I get passed over, nexted. I never thought I would have to try to work sooo hard to lock down a man. I compare myself with other woman, what does she have that I don’t have???? Even if I got dates, I already know how it’s going to end, the guy will make excuses or just say that “you’re a great person” but...why do I have to put myself with pain that guys reject me in the end? What’s the point of me pampering myself, working on my appearance to look good, when I get nexted? I can’t handle rejection, what’s the point of getting excited meeting a new guy and going on a first date? I still can’t move on from the last guy and it’s been 4 months. So I can’t handle another rejection from a man even if I met someone new.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 9:19 AM   #2
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It's a nasty cycle. You want somebody in your life & you are so focused on finding him you come off as desperate. It's hard to get a handle on it & stop that vibe from showing through. But when it does, guys run for the hills.

When I was interviewing my coach taught me to stop selling myself & let the employer come to me. I had marketable skills so it made more sense to sit back & let the employer prove to me why I would be valuable to them, rather than selling myself at the interview. They already had my resume. I had a skill set that was in high demand with few people who could perform the job so I was more in the catbird seat.

When I found myself single in my mid 30s, totally not where I expected to be at the point, it was easy to wallow & get into that bitter space where "all the good ones are taken." I tried OLD & hated it. I stopped after my 90 day subscription ran out & never looked back. It was a demoralizing experience.

I waffled around for a while, then decided to approach finding a husband like finding a job. I had to work at it & put in effort. I also applied the interview lesson -- let them come to you. I tried to sit back & let a man prove to me why he was worthy to be my SO. I put myself out there & made a point to attend at least one event per week designed to meet new people. Eventually I met the man who is now my husband at a business card exchange. I also had to stifle my typical Alpha female tendencies & force myself to sit back & let my dates take charge even when they did it badly. It was hard to bite my tongue. Heck my husband took me to a dumpy restaurant for our 1st date. The old me would have changed the venue but the new me said give him a chance. Now that he knows me he laughs because I'd never go to a place like that. He did say that had I changed the location he probably would not have taken me on a 2nd date. You never really know what is going to make people uncomfortable.

My suggestion to you is put forth the best version of yourself knowing that you are worthy of an equal. Let a potential suitor prove to you that he's worthy. Meanwhile, listen more then you talk. And make the effort. Go back to the swing dancing class from your other thread. Attend some singles events near you. Make sure you are doing at least one thing per week not on line to meet new people. Check your bitterness & frustration at the door before you go out.

This is whacky but it helped me. I read somewhere that you should write love letters to your SO even before you meet him. It's a bit like journaling. It's a bit like throwing it out to the universe / The Secret. But talk to him on paper. About who he is & who you are as a couple. Write the letter. Date it. You address it to "the love of my life" or "beloved" or something like that. After you finish the letter, fold it up & put it in an envelope. Put the letters aside in a place you can find later. Write as often as you are moved. Eventually the person who is supposed to read them will show up. I did this. I wrote about 6 letters over the course of 1.5 years. When we got back from our HM I gave them to DH unopened. When he read them we were both surprised at how valid they were. The only thing I got "wrong" was he's not a big dancer. After reading the letters, now he tries to dance with me more, but as a compromise we stick to slow song.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 12:34 PM   #3
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Donnivan. Can you give an example of one of your letters in a brief paragraph if possible?
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Old 22nd February 2019, 1:22 PM   #4
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What a wonderful and thoughtful response Donnivain.

OP - we can only control our own thoughts, emotions and reactions. We really do have a choice. We could get angry and depressed

Or

We could ask ourselves what is this experience trying to teach me. When we create space around a situation, we realize that we don’t have to internalize someone else’s actions.

Have a beautiful day my friend.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 2:06 PM   #5
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I hide my bitterness out on Dates. I don't bring any of my past up. I feel like I want a romantic relationship more because of the loopy dating cycle that I am in.

I don't expect to have love at first date and all that jazz. Just to even go out is a major ordeal for some of these women. I just wish more women wr more open to going out. Its practice till you meet the one anyways.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 1:22 PM   #6
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This whole post should be pinned somewhere

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
It's a nasty cycle.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 1:38 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
It's a nasty cycle. You want somebody in your life & you are so focused on finding him you come off as desperate. It's hard to get a handle on it & stop that vibe from showing through. But when it does, guys run for the hills.

When I was interviewing my coach taught me to stop selling myself & let the employer come to me. I had marketable skills so it made more sense to sit back & let the employer prove to me why I would be valuable to them, rather than selling myself at the interview. They already had my resume. I had a skill set that was in high demand with few people who could perform the job so I was more in the catbird seat.

When I found myself single in my mid 30s, totally not where I expected to be at the point, it was easy to wallow & get into that bitter space where "all the good ones are taken." I tried OLD & hated it. I stopped after my 90 day subscription ran out & never looked back. It was a demoralizing experience.

I waffled around for a while, then decided to approach finding a husband like finding a job. I had to work at it & put in effort. I also applied the interview lesson -- let them come to you. I tried to sit back & let a man prove to me why he was worthy to be my SO. I put myself out there & made a point to attend at least one event per week designed to meet new people. Eventually I met the man who is now my husband at a business card exchange. I also had to stifle my typical Alpha female tendencies & force myself to sit back & let my dates take charge even when they did it badly. It was hard to bite my tongue. Heck my husband took me to a dumpy restaurant for our 1st date. The old me would have changed the venue but the new me said give him a chance. Now that he knows me he laughs because I'd never go to a place like that. He did say that had I changed the location he probably would not have taken me on a 2nd date. You never really know what is going to make people uncomfortable.

My suggestion to you is put forth the best version of yourself knowing that you are worthy of an equal. Let a potential suitor prove to you that he's worthy. Meanwhile, listen more then you talk. And make the effort. Go back to the swing dancing class from your other thread. Attend some singles events near you. Make sure you are doing at least one thing per week not on line to meet new people. Check your bitterness & frustration at the door before you go out.

This is whacky but it helped me. I read somewhere that you should write love letters to your SO even before you meet him. It's a bit like journaling. It's a bit like throwing it out to the universe / The Secret. But talk to him on paper. About who he is & who you are as a couple. Write the letter. Date it. You address it to "the love of my life" or "beloved" or something like that. After you finish the letter, fold it up & put it in an envelope. Put the letters aside in a place you can find later. Write as often as you are moved. Eventually the person who is supposed to read them will show up. I did this. I wrote about 6 letters over the course of 1.5 years. When we got back from our HM I gave them to DH unopened. When he read them we were both surprised at how valid they were. The only thing I got "wrong" was he's not a big dancer. After reading the letters, now he tries to dance with me more, but as a compromise we stick to slow song.

Brilliant advice! I always had trouble with the bolded. I've just always known what I wanted about everything and just like to keep steering in that direction, so it's hard to let someone veer me off course for even a date. I always hoped I'd meet someone who had just as good ideas as I do and was just as strong that I would respect them and trust them enough to take the helm once in awhile. Simply never happened. Probably my own fault for having a dichotomy in what I'm attracted to, which is mainly artistic/musical people, who normally aren't all that strong in those other areas.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 1:54 PM   #8
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I get that it’s demoralizing, but I think you’d do well in learning how to shrug off rejection, especially the rejection of some man that you don’t even know that well/at all. Approach dating like donnivain says—from the perspective of “what can this man offer me?” vs “why don’t any of these guys like me?” Chances are, the majority of the time you’d find that these guys don’t have a lot to offer. Let them be flakey.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 7:57 PM   #9
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Not so much a bitterness thing and l never really did the date thing anyway , more bided time until right the person came along.
But l was about to give up though after first my marriage ending, and then later something new and very big but yet still also not working out.
l had given up actually, 50s yet someone else has come along now, soooo, we see. !!!
One things for sure though if it doesn't work out either then l am done done done.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 10:01 PM   #10
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Nah.
I have gotten angry at the way I was treated (tortured is more like it) but that life is gone now so I don't give it anymore thought.
I'm fine now with being single even if it is more of a struggle for me. It would take an extraordinary person to make me want to settle down with him permanently anyways. I don't take love lightly or for granted anymore and I realize that real love is a very special and rare gift for two people to share with one another in this lifetime. Marriage is sacred to me and my heart and my beliefs.
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Old 24th February 2019, 3:03 AM   #11
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Good for you alice , l'm very similar. But unfortunately even if we believe our partners beliefs are ours, or once were, people change and sadly it only takes one to end it all.
All the best with everything.
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Old 11th March 2019, 4:39 PM   #12
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Yes I can totally relate to this. If you feel burnt out and disappointed you are best to take a break from it I think and do something good for yourself.

I was in that space for a while, totally sick of disappointment.

Things are starting to change for me. I kind of realised that I dodged a few bullets, these men weren't right.
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