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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 18th February 2019, 1:56 PM   #16
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Oh, I missed the part where you're not even divorced yet. Conventional wisdom says no one's really ready for romance until at least a year after a divorce is legally finalized.

I only went out with one guy from a dating site who had been divorced for less than a year. I made the mistake of not finding out before meeting that he'd only been officially divorced for a few months.

It was extremely clear he was nowhere near ready for romance. I'll never again date anyone who hasn't been divorced at least a year. In most cases it's a complete waste of time.
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Old 18th February 2019, 1:59 PM   #17
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Thank you everyone for chiming in and being decent about it. I was afraid I get jumped and shamed, which is usually what happens when I talk about all this stuff. I am either called a woman hater or worse. In fact, I love women, I love strong women. I am not some far rightwing super conservative guy who wants women back in the kitchen, but I am also not a far lefty who thinks a man should take the woman's last name and be her little b$tch. I am somewhat traditional when it comes to family values. And by that, I don't mean she stays home, cooks, cleans, raises the kids, I mean that we are equals and share responsibilities like normal adults with working brains.

Let me respond to a few things from above:

I NEVER EVER EVER hear a woman tell another woman to lower her expectations. I just read a post on another forum about a woman dating a super decent guy whom she loves, but she feels like she "settling" and that she "deserves more". Other women were saying that she can have her cake and eat it to and that this nice guy isn't really nice and is actually manipulating her into staying. I was shocked, but not surprised. I may be many things, but I call out BS when it deserves to be called out. A lot of people say a lot of things on forums and to each other, but words are nothing. "Do I as say, but not as I do" seems to be the motto lately. In reality women rarely lower their expectations. A woman who is a "5" will never date a man who is a "5". She will want someone who is a "6" or higher. Why should she settle? And the ones who do settle for something less, well they are probably carrying serious baggage and can't get the guy they want, so they get the guy they can have. And they\ ones who don't settle while carrying serious baggage, well they end up investing in cat food stocks =)

So coming back to my disastrous love life, I don't have high expectations. I don't look for 25 year old hotties. I don't look for super models. And above everything else, unlike most women on dating sites or in real life, I don't have a check list as long as a Walgreens receipt. Here is my criteria for being interested in someone:
1. I should be attracted to you and vice versa. I don't care where you rate on the attractive scale, as long as there is mutual attraction, everything else is crap
2. We should have similar personalities\interests or least be mature enough accept our differences
3. You can't smoke cigarettes or be a heavy drinker. Not too religious or hopefully not religious at all
4. You must enjoy nature and nature trips (I do a lot of nature and hiking and road trips, that's a must and not a should)
5. You should between 30 and 50 years old. Should be in decent shape (as I am now as well)
That doesn't sound like I am looking for a super model. In fact, my desires are very simple, I just want a best friend who is going to be my friend, my lover, and my pillar during tough times, as I promise to be the same to her. That sounds rather reasonable to me.
Ok, next, I won't move form LA because this is my home. With that said, I keep thinking about moving more and more these days. If I can find a warm climate like LA where dating is more simple, I am willing to consider it. I can't live in cold weather as I would rather live under a bench in LA than in a cold city. Lived in Chicago for 5 years and LOVED it, but no cold climates for me and no humidity as I can't breathe in it. I just can't handle cold = )))

Regarding RedPill Rage, I thought I was over that already. I was so blue-pilled most of my life that discovering Red Pull was one of the greatest gifts of my life. I am pursuing my own interests, goals, desires, and ambitions. I just wish I had understood all this 20 years ago, but as long as I am alive, I will never give up.
Regarding waiting until divorce is finalized, I've been separated for a year, a year before that we stopped sleeping with each other, and a year before that she changed into someone I couldn't recognize. So it's been almost 3 years since I've felt something or more importantly, felt something back from a woman. I am ready, but not for marriage or anything too serious. I am ready to get out there and start meeting new women. I know LA is not the best place to meet women, but I won't move anywhere JUST because of that. I would rather be alone than compromise and settle for something that won't make me happy.

And last, but far from least, the last 4 years of my marriage, my stepdad went to prison for making a little too much money in his business (nothing too criminal), my grandparents died, I was laid off twice, we had to move like 3 times, and at one point I just broke down. My body broke down, my mind, my brain, my everything was just exhausted, and my soul was crushed. She supported me initially, but then bailed. A LOT of it was my fault. Please don't think that I am blaming her for this. I am mostly responsible for not nurturing my marriage. She is beyond nice and decent, but the most infantile person I have ever met in my entire life. Worse than a spoiled child. I am also very decent and treated her like a queen, but there were times when I neglected certain things, including her sexual desires. I was just too overwhelmed with problems for a period of time, that sex wasn't a priority. I vowed to her that I will change and fix everything, but by then she checked out already. That's why I always agree with RedPill guys who say that men can and do love unconditionally and that we don't throw something out just because it's broken. You love someone, you fix it. That's how I was raised. That's how my grandparents were able to be together for over half a century. Women only love their kids unconditionally. Women's love for a men is VERY conditional. Just like my dog, if I don't feed him for a week, no matter how much he loves me, eventually he will turn on me. I will never understand that type of behavior in women. My mom, who never worked in her life, had to take care of the household while stepdad was in prison. She stood by him and her family and I respect that in her. The women in my family stand by their men and their families NO MATTER WHAT. My ex and many other women in my circle of friends are not like that. The slightest problems and her majesties way of life is too stressful and they run. I know a number of my guy friends who are now dating new women or are on their 2nd marriages, and that's what happened before. Their women couldn't deal with hard times and kicked these men to the curb while they were down.
You are welcome to disagree with my statements (some of them are opinions and some are hard facts) and you are welcome to believe that there are all these decent women in the world and all that good stuff. Possibly, but I live in this real world and things in this real world are not as you think they are. My aunt cheated on my uncle, turned their kids against him, took everything he had, he ended up getting sick and dying. And what did he give her? A beautiful life, 2 beautiful children, a wonderful home, happy times, was one of the most decent men I have ever met in my entire life. And that's what I see lately, women betraying men who have given them everything and not only betraying, but destroying them in the process. Hypergamy is real, not a doubt in my mind. I know there are many many many decent women in the world and I know that I just haven't met her yet, but at this point, I am so disgusted by modern western feminism and what it has done and taught women, that I am simply not going to go along with it and accept that I have to settle for something less, while she, after dumping her husband, with he 2 kids from 2 different fathers, all kinds of baggage, is looking for prince charming. I've browsed 1000s of profiles on dating sites, both men and women, and men usually have a few things they are looking for, while women have a HUGE list of things they want and god forbid you don't check one of the boxes. Or how many women use Tinder and POF to find guys who will just buy them dinner. They admit doing so.

Anyway, I can do this for hours, but my point is that I am not going to settle for something less. That doesn't mean that my expectations are up in the clouds. I just want someone real, someone interesting, someone I am attracted to, someone who understands the laws of physics, as in the world doesn't revolve around them. At this point, I don't think these types of women and I have crossed paths. I am not giving up, but I am not too optimistic about it. Even my mom admitted that she shocked by what has happened to women. She feels sorry for me because she knows I am a good guy and that a woman will be happy with me, but she sees what's out there. I sent her these meme about there being so few good women out there and she replied that she agrees and that she hopes that I find that needle in the haystack.

Check out this woman on YT. She has an awesome channel that deals with some of the stuff I describe above. Some women do get it and I am simply hoping to meet someone like that eventually. I am not MGTOW. I love women and I want to have women in my life, but this women is 100% correct.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmSNS1yiCDg
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:02 PM   #18
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No one is telling you to settle, rather to make sure your expectations are realistic. Sounds like they are, so no reason to worry about that point any further.

I was married for 23 years, the last ten were sexless and the last several my xH traveled extensively for work and was only home a few days a month. But the reality of the divorce itself, all the official severing of ties, still was difficult for me to process. Two and a half years after the divorce was final I still feel bruised. Maybe that's not the case for you, but give it some thought.

The content and tone of your post radiates anger (a natural part of transitioning from a loss). There is no way you can start or maintain a healthy relationship in that state. To me it's very clear, you need some time.
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:05 PM   #19
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Thanks. I understand what you're saying. May be I am angry, but I don't feel angry. I feel annoyed and frustrated. Soon enough I will be too old to bed a dad. I don't want to be a dad to a 5 year old at 55. Just running out of time. I am in no rush, I am working on my self. I am just frustrated with women, for me and for society. So many single women who are refusing to settle down because of the constant dribble of grass being greener elsewhere.
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:53 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by mnml View Post
So many single women who are refusing to settle down because of the constant dribble of grass being greener elsewhere.
I'm pretty Red Pill myself. I'm kind of teaching my new boyfriend to be less beta and more alpha in romance. He's a battle-tested Marine (first men into a combat situation, last ones out, among the highest physical requirements in the military), so a total badass in the warrior and physical sense. But he's also a romantic sap and an Aries (baby of the zodiac), so can be needy at times.

People say they're ready for romance before processing their divorce. The guy I went out with who had only been divorced a few months told me they moved to separate floors of the house 5 years before the divorce went through, didn't have sex, hardly even spoke. Still, the legal finality of it obviously still hit him hard. Men are far more attached to material reality than women, more literal and left-brained about events. The finality of it will most likely hit you with a certain weight, if not on the conscious level at first then subconscious.

So you're really wasting a woman's time to even attempt dating right now. Get that divorce done, get over it, and get on with your life. I think you'll find the dating world a lot more favorable then.

Trust me, good single/divorced men in their 40s who even halfway have their act together are very hard to find, and in high demand among single women from about mid-30s and older.
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Old 18th February 2019, 5:41 PM   #21
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MGTOW follower here too.

What you got to understand is that women are casting agents and you have to fit a specific type for them to be really interested in you. But the love in their minds is based on what physical, attention and material aspects you provide to them. They will claim we are the same but actually that's not true. Men love looks and personality (and yes personality really does matter to guys) personality is just one aspect a woman looks at when dating a guy.

You might be going what Rollo says is the hopeless pre-acceptance phase of RP.

Yes I've gone through this the last year when I had an epiphany about women and how they see *me* in regards to everyone else. As long as you're getting fit and healthy there will be some women who want to sleep with you.
I got fit after a bad relationship and I get a lot of thrills out of seducing women (who want to be seduced by me).

Sorry to hear about your problems though. But just understand that life is tough but you gotta understand that you just gotta take whats given to you.
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Old 18th February 2019, 6:30 PM   #22
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hey,
in your opening post you wrote,
"you just don't trust women" "you feel nothing"
which means you wouldn't be in the right frame of mind to allow yourself to be vulnerable....you cant find the right type of woman with no trust or be in a relationship with your walls up

good women,they are out there op, but...you have to lower your walls to find them...when you are ready to do that......you will find what you are looking for..i hope you find a good woman.....get prepared to be a good man... keep up your own personal growth.....deb
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:02 AM   #23
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You have to have faith that everything is going to be alright. You have to trust somehow, again, that the world has something really great waiting out there for you. I know I'm not going to give up hope that a man will love me for who I am one day. I'm just going to do my best and smile real big and feel good everyday when I wake up and make new plans in life. I'm currently planning a move across the U.S. just to open up my horizons and be in a happier place. I know that happiness is the best way to attract a good mate. Try keeping yourself happy. You've been bettering yourself so you are on the right track. Let your inner light shine and I have faith you'll find a good woman. Open yourself up and trust that life is still capable of providing good women for you.
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Old 19th February 2019, 8:03 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Juha View Post
If you want to meet a good woman, you won't meet her in LA.

Meeting a good woman will not happen in a big city.

Move away from LA and your chances will greatly improve.

Hang in there

I wish you luck
Could you explain why not in a big city?
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Old 21st February 2019, 1:26 PM   #25
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My 1 cent

With all the things said, may I humbly suggest something that might help in some way. You seem to have some money to spend, instead of LA, if you havenít considered it yet, why not take short trips to nearby towns or cities. You can join some hiking events, art tours, tech courses or whatever your interest is. ďSampleĒ the ethos or culture, because there are many places where people can be laid back or down to earth, or whatever you might call it. This way you donít need to move. But consider a primary goal of enjoying yourself so that even if you donít meet someone, you still had a great time. Not just in CA or WA, consider going as far as Tennessee or Houston, or Philly. Even abroad, actually. Healing might also be a benefit.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 1:17 PM   #26
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Hello OP

I second what many have suggested about cooling your jets until your divorce is finalized and you have had a bit of time fully 'on your own'. I can relate because many years ago I was in a daze following the demise of my first marriage. Fortunately, I muddled my way through and got out of it fairly quickly.

Another thought is to consider avoiding the use of social media and all these dating and hookup apps like Tinder. I am too old and missed the boat on social media and of course have no need for Tinder and the other apps out there, but every time I read something here on LS or hear a story locally about what is going on with these technology based things I am and can only say WTF ?! I will never believe that the path to finding a good and solid relationship with a loving partner/spouse.

If you can concentrate on things that have no qualifiers such as what your car is or your income, but instead are based on who you are and what you like to do, then your chances of finding someone special will rise immeasurably.

You also had other observations about women not needing men and the effects of feminism and so forth. My observation on this topic is that "liberated women" (for lack of a better word) are here to stay in our society, and we are all the better for it. Really. But that doesn't mean it is to the exclusion of a solid love affair for men and women, IMO. Mrs. Dude Abides and I have somehow put each other first for 25 years and not short-changed our careers, and still remained devoted to each other. Neither of us are of exceptional levels of intelligence, talent or financial success, but instead we just tried to do it and worked on it. I think if you find a woman who wants to try, that is far more significant than a woman whose priorities lie in depreciable material objects like cars, houses and so on.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 7:48 PM   #27
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Hello OP

I second what many have suggested about cooling your jets until your divorce is finalized and you have had a bit of time fully 'on your own'. I can relate because many years ago I was in a daze following the demise of my first marriage. Fortunately, I muddled my way through and got out of it fairly quickly.

Another thought is to consider avoiding the use of social media and all these dating and hookup apps like Tinder. I am too old and missed the boat on social media and of course have no need for Tinder and the other apps out there, but every time I read something here on LS or hear a story locally about what is going on with these technology based things I am and can only say WTF ?! I will never believe that the path to finding a good and solid relationship with a loving partner/spouse.

If you can concentrate on things that have no qualifiers such as what your car is or your income, but instead are based on who you are and what you like to do, then your chances of finding someone special will rise immeasurably.

You also had other observations about women not needing men and the effects of feminism and so forth. My observation on this topic is that "liberated women" (for lack of a better word) are here to stay in our society, and we are all the better for it. Really. But that doesn't mean it is to the exclusion of a solid love affair for men and women, IMO. Mrs. Dude Abides and I have somehow put each other first for 25 years and not short-changed our careers, and still remained devoted to each other. Neither of us are of exceptional levels of intelligence, talent or financial success, but instead we just tried to do it and worked on it. I think if you find a woman who wants to try, that is far more significant than a woman whose priorities lie in depreciable material objects like cars, houses and so on.



The last few lines there and lots of others in yours and the post above as well, hell yeah !!!
l really dunno why guys there even bother with less in a woman , l really don't.
Not to mention all the other stuff.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 8:41 PM   #28
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Try to see women as no better or worse than men are. I was once in your boat and had a low opinion of women after my first divorce and a lifetime of being treated like crap but in the end I met a great woman and got out of that toxic mentality. Maybe I had to go through that to get to this point but it would not have been a good place to stay.

At the end of the day once your divorce is final and done focus on building up your life including, hobbies, career and general living and you should do much better. Once you stop giving women so much power over psyche and start seeing them as flesh and blood humans instead of either angels or demons then you should do much better.
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