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My autism is showing? Conversational skills on OLD.


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 14th February 2019, 12:35 PM   #31
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Tbh OP, it's probably more an indictment on the NT women where you are than on yourself.

I'm a woman so it's obviously a bit different but on the whole, I've found men to be much more receptive and easy-going, also less judgemental, than women re being ASD, wherever I've lived. I don't know why that is.

Also, I struggle a bit with idle conversation in social situations too but I respond well to light banter in real life. I would find sparking a light conversation on OLD hugely limiting, because I need to see people's body language and hear the tone of their voice in order to get a better idea of their 'vibe'. I would not suit meeting people with OLD at all.

Are you sure OLD is the right platform for you?

Finally, since you're still in grad school, do you actually have time for a relationship?
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Old 14th February 2019, 12:39 PM   #32
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I have plenty of time for a relationship. Graduate school here isnít that bad.

I have never been formally diagnosed but have some of the same behavioral issues.

How do I be spontaneous if no conversation topic I like is fair game? How are you/ hows the weather has no romantic vibe.
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Old 14th February 2019, 12:43 PM   #33
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So this is where my issue is. 'Some of the same behavioural issues' does equate to being autistic. You are or you aren't.
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Old 14th February 2019, 12:52 PM   #34
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Littleblackheart I have never had a formal diagnosis.
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Old 14th February 2019, 12:56 PM   #35
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University graduate programs are full of people from all over the world. Most of these people date within the academic or professional circle. Few people go online and reach across town to try to date.

I would think a part of you is trying to escape the realities of your graduate life?And as a rule, I suggest always only date people you would enthusiastically show your family and colleagues, and can see yourself marrying. Anything less than that will fall apart and isn't good for you.

Shouldn't you look on campus, perhaps you find someone in a different discipline, instead of going online. I don't know anything about autism. If you describe yourself as awkward, I would say the awkwardness is in trying to date locals online. It's like you don't get that it's weird?
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Old 14th February 2019, 1:14 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Garcon1986 View Post
Littleblackheart I have never had a formal diagnosis.
I understand that, but you can't be 'a little bit' autistic.

You are self-diagnosing on the basis of 'some aspects' of your behaviour. It's like me saying I drink tea and I like the Monty Python, so I have some aspects of being British.

Anyway.

ASD (if that's the case) and dating online is, to me, not a great match.

Good luck in any event.
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Old 14th February 2019, 2:07 PM   #37
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I would actually seek out an actual diagnosis. Many people have some traits of autism, but it's not what people think.
It's social, but it also affects communication and sensory processing.

Someone can be an introvert, but not autistic.



E.g.- my son is autistic, but he's hypersocial., My older daughter is autistic, and she's in law school- she fits more into the "quiet" version of autism. Me? I'm somewhere between the two.
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Old 14th February 2019, 6:51 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I am sure I could talk all night to an interesting guy who was also sexually attractive to me, but if I was looking for a date I would soon dry up with a similarly interesting guy who I was not attracted to.
Because
A) a waste of my time
B) a waste of his time and I would not want to lead him on.

Are your conversational skills lacking or is it her interest in you that is lacking?
I typically have to spend some time allowing my prospective date to get comfortable with me, usually it's a gigantic mental uphill struggle to allow her to get into a smooth conversation. I've had great conversations before - I'll always remember the superb occupational therapist that totally wowed me while having our first date on a zipline course - but I crave a deepness of mind and wisdom. That conversation was a deep study into occupational therapy and patient care and I loved it. Having fun in a lighthearted conversation is something I do poorly. I've learned how to quickly rule out women who have no interest in me at all. I typically have to meet a woman several times over multiple different social engagements before she sees anything she finds interesting about me.
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Old 15th February 2019, 12:21 AM   #39
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I want to be able to share the stunning experience of seeing a scale model of a solar system covering 7 km of desert. I want to be able to look in an orca mom's eye, as she chides her baby for getting lost for the third time, in the seaweeds, and recognizing humanity. I want to be able to share in Stephen Colbert having the Gollum read out tweets by Donald Trump. I want to be able to look up at the Orion Nebula, and know that the same helium that is powering my MRI at my hospital, is being generated by the infant stars in million degree furnaces so many light years away. I would like to have someone teach me to be a better version of myself. Admittedly, I'm already pretty bloody good haha. Is it too demanding to seek out someone with similar interests?

I'll still seek out Online dates out of state =p

Last edited by Garcon1986; 15th February 2019 at 12:40 AM..
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:08 AM   #40
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Haven't read all the posts, but I really dislike people who ask me about concrete things like hobbies, what I like "to do for fun", how is your day/week going... it's BORING AS HELL stuff for me as I am more about ideas, and the future.

I like people who understand by my profile that I prefer to talk about big picture things as in - what ignites your passion in life, what are you dreams for the near future? Where do you think the humanity is going? What would you do if aliens arrived to Earth tomorrow? What's the meaning of life? LOL.Are you into the Cure? They're releasing a new album this year, I'd love to get ot a concert. Wanna join?

Seriously the other day a a super hot lawyer sent me the best message ever using McCarthy interrogation style - "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party of the United States?" (...) I found it hilarious. But then I really enjoy sarcasm. And we proceeded to talk about Russia, the Romanoffs, Cold War, Artificial Intelligence, housing and flying cars in the future, & the world.

Sorry I need brainz and sense of humor. I can't do much of the small talk in first messages. And I definitely am not interested in anything concrete and boring as their day or what are they eating. I am BIG PICTURE.
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:26 AM   #41
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Well I like you edgygirl but as you know we aren't compatible on the dealbreakers list

This is very good advice you gave.

However, it conflicts with the advice TheFoolOfTheYear gave.

I would love to talk about what would you do, if aliens came to Earth. Trouble is - how do you make it fun and lighthearted?

I will never be a hot American lawyer, but I am a hot Asian doctor - narrows my potential dating pool quite a bit
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:27 AM   #42
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Don't do that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Garcon1986 View Post
I canít have any fun having light conversations. Teach me how?
Have the types of conversations you want, as you mention below. Women like me like these convos. That's why in my profile I say I have "nerdy interests" and that I like witty men. The right people will get it.

As me, you clearly don't want meaningless light small talk. You want the below. Look for the nerdy intelligent girls. Put these interests in your profile. You WILL attract the right women. Maybe not a ton, but one day some that likes the same intellectual convos will find you. I don't think you will be satisfied otherwise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Garcon1986
I can have wonderful conversations with nerdy women, and the attraction is pretty good. Give me a conversation about physics, pediatrics, astronomy, any science stuff - current events - classical music - instruments - I can have a great conversation.
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:34 AM   #43
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I disagree with the FTY... light conversations go well with another kind of women... which I don't think it's the kind of women you would really be interested in. Of course I am not saying don't ever have light convos... but in first messages, I LOVE when men are smart and not shallow. I think the way to make is fun is 1. finding the right nerdy girl to talk with 2. just talk about things you are interested in, and see if they are too.

Honestly Myers Briggs explains it a lot. i(N)tuitive people like talking about abstract ideas "the future, the universe, artificial intelligence", (S)ensors like talking about concrete things "what are your hobbies, how is your day". It seems to me you might be (N). If so, you will do well with N girls. I studied a lot and kind of know how to identify it in profiles by now.

Are there Asian girls where you live at all? Can you find one long distance? Are you attracted to them? I can totally see one wanting to catch a doctor who plays instruments and all that. As you know I also prefer to stay within my culture, not only I'm attracted to them, but it makes sense to me.
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:40 AM   #44
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I am searching for Asian girls, I only found one which I had no attraction to whatsoever, and in my immediate ten social circle layers there are only classic Southern women who are plenty attractive to me, but they couldn't care less that I exist. I have nothing that Southern women like. I'm searching in larger radii to find suitable people. I quite like most races except African American and Indian (not racist but just can't bring myself to date), but I'm a born proud Asian British gentleman. Can't change that.

It's just depressing that huge people 2-3 times my size are the only people that swipe right on me.
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Old 15th February 2019, 1:46 AM   #45
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You're in the Midwest or the South? How long til you graduate?

Find a LDR in SanFran or NY. I'm sure plenty of girls that would be your type. And then when you graduate either you move or they move. I get why these Southern girls would not be into you, after all, Murica! Isn't it the most racist place in the US?
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