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How to be less emotionally unavailable?


lovesfool

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This seems like a silly question, but how do I become less emotionally unavailable? I've only ever had two relationships, both of which ended by the other party saying that I don't open up and don't seem to be committed to the relationship.

 

I'm aware I have a problem. I'm not very expressive of my feelings and any strong expressions of emotions, or even physical contact, make me somewhat uneasy. I tend to spend a minimal amount of time with my partner as I feel my current routine is too important to relinquish time for another.

 

It takes me a long time to develop a strong bond with someone. I don't know if that's because I don't let myself develop feelings or maybe they're just not the one.

 

How do I improve myself and be more committed to a relationship? What am I missing? Is it a case that I have to "pretend" I'm an emotionally available person until I actually am, akin to "fake it till you make it"? I don't want to enter the dating scene again until I've overcome my issues.

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Another thread started with a request for advice but WITHOUT:

- gender

- age

- time since previous relationship

- parenthood status

All of which are highly likely to change the advice you are likely to receive.

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Sorry, I didn't realise that they were important factors in this.

 

Female, 30, just ended relationship and no kids.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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You could seek a counselor to discuss why you don’t open up to people. I would just advise if you follow the route it may take a few counselors to find the best fit. I never really believed in the fake it to you make it saying personally. But I would say it is something you can try with a friend just to see how it feels. Pinpointing what aspects make you most uncomfortable could help you better understand yourself. Personally I used to be very bottled up on things but as I learned to trust others more I was able to become a more open person.

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Do you think you might be an avoidant? (Link below) In any case by the small snipets you’ve mentioned, I think a therapist would be better than us in guiding you. If you have an insecure attachment style as the below, there are certain therapies that work better than simple talk therapy ie. because these things are subconscious (and maybe that’s why you don’t even know why you act this way). That’s why it’s important to talk with a professional and not a bunch of layman on the internet.

 

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner/

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Do you think you might be an avoidant? (Link below) In any case by the small snipets you’ve mentioned, I think a therapist would be better than us in guiding you. If you have an insecure attachment style as the below, there are certain therapies that work better than simple talk therapy ie. because these things are subconscious (and maybe that’s why you don’t even know why you act this way). That’s why it’s important to talk with a professional and not a bunch of layman on the internet.

 

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner/

 

I think I can relate to 10 out of those 16 signs! That's probably not a good thing.

 

I didn't think it was such a serious issue that I would need to talk to a therapist, is it? I mean I'm aware of my problem and I'm sure people have been in this position before and was hoping they would share their experiences. I don't think I could afford to go to a series of therapist sessions.

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Yes I get it. Therapy = expensive. I myself am probably fearful-avoidant (same family, different category) - we’re extremely attracted to avoidants, so I am kinda familiar with the type.

 

IF you think you might be avoidant (of course I don’t know if you really are), start reading about it online to see if it makes sense, and find available resources and groups (there are a few on FB for adult attachment), discuss it and see what kind of steps you can take to make you less avoidant and more open. I’m not going to lie... takes a lot of work and self awareness and willingness. The thing is this usually comes from infancy (0-5) and child-parent attachment, it’s so ingrained that your emotions (or lack of) are automatic, as in, you can’t control them just by rationally wanting to control them. It’s really deep and therefore not easy to work on. Hence I suggested a clinician if you could afford it. But I seen many people on the groups who worked on it by themselves by reading, mindfulness, videos, and a lot of other (free) available resources. Also - if you’re avoidant, it’s not a life sentence - it can be changed.

 

On the other hand, maybe you are not an avoidant, just a little guarded, and people here might give you good suggestions on how to be more open, and that might work for you. In any case, I wish you good luck in finding solutions :love:

 

I think I can relate to 10 out of those 16 signs! That's probably not a good thing.
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This seems like a silly question, but how do I become less emotionally unavailable? I've only ever had two relationships, both of which ended by the other party saying that I don't open up and don't seem to be committed to the relationship.

 

Can I just say, that I'm not an open person either.

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Personally I used to be very bottled up on things but as I learned to trust others more I was able to become a more open person.

 

That's cool.

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I think I can relate to 10 out of those 16 signs! That's probably not a good thing.

 

I didn't think it was such a serious issue that I would need to talk to a therapist, is it? I mean I'm aware of my problem and I'm sure people have been in this position before and was hoping they would share their experiences. I don't think I could afford to go to a series of therapist sessions.

 

I don't think it needs to be made into a big or serious issue. Sometimes if you dwell on something too much and focus on it, it becomes more of an issue.

I say accept yourself, while quietly and gradually extending yourself to be more open, to people you trust.

Check out what MetallicHue said:

"Personally I used to be very bottled up on things but as I learned to trust others more I was able to become a more open person"

So it can be done as it were.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
CautiouslyOptimistic
Do you think you might be an avoidant? (Link below) In any case by the small snipets you’ve mentioned, I think a therapist would be better than us in guiding you. If you have an insecure attachment style as the below, there are certain therapies that work better than simple talk therapy ie. because these things are subconscious (and maybe that’s why you don’t even know why you act this way). That’s why it’s important to talk with a professional and not a bunch of layman on the internet.

 

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner/

 

This is really good. I can relate to nearly all of it.

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Really? I’m surprised. You seem so warm here on LS.

 

But then I think I also sound warm, I hope, and I also switch between between avoidance and anxiety (opposites)

 

This is really good. I can relate to nearly all of it.
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CautiouslyOptimistic

I think relationship anxiety can make even the warmest person standoffish sometimes. I've been known to say that I am a great friend and a lousy girlfriend.

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Are you sure you are emotionally unavailable, or are you just believing what the guy said when he dumped you recently? It seems to me people who really are emotionally unavailable are also unavailable to their friends and family. What do your girlfriends say?

 

Sometimes in a relationship the other person may say you are emotionally unavailable when really he's saying his needs (need for reassurance, validation, attention) are not being met. But that's a terrible way to communicate - instead of simply telling you what he wants, he says there's something wrong with you. Don't believe everything a dumper tells you.

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Do you actually want a relationship? Sorry if that seems a stupid question but if your current routine is too important to you for you to make much time for someone else, why bother with a relationship? No-one is going to want to be so low down on your list of priorities.

 

I am not criticising you here but wondering if you wouldn't be happier sticking to your safe zone? I am getting the feeling you see the other person as an intrusion. I can understand that, as I have felt the same in relationships, but if i am very relaxed with someone and really enjoy their company, then I can 'be myself' and do not feel they are intruding.

 

Maybe you just haven't found someone you wanted to share much with.

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