Dating fatigue

[edgygirl]

How often do you need breaks and for how long?

 

It didn’t work out with the last person I was seeing and I decided to reinstall one of the apps. For some reason, I am swiping left on 99% of profiles whereas in October/November when I went back after a long break I found a lot of seemingly compatible men.

 

Is it me and am I having dating fatigue? What does dating fatigue even means? Do we get desensitized and suddenly find everyone meh after going on quite a few dates and then a couple of almost-relationships not working? Is it some type of temporary trauma?

 

Or is it seasonal? (More people sign up before the holidays and now I’m not seeing anyone that interesting?)

 

I think the 10 months I took a break were not specially useful and I regret doing that. So I wonder how long is long enough to take a break if that’s the most helpful thing one can do in this situation? Or do you have any other thoughts or suggestions?

[Gretchen12]

You're talking about online dating. Looking through dating profiles is like going through a big stack of applicant files. It's work. Nobody likes to have to read through so many files.

You should try to meet people in person. I don't think you'd need a break for doing that because you're just living real life going to places. Not working.

[elaine567]

It is not natural for humans to trawl through dozens if not hundreds of unknown, potential suitors for weeks/months/years, so it hardly a surprise that "burn out" will occur.

[salparadise]

I think part of dating fatigue is being very goal oriented and having high expectations for every person you meet, only to be disappointed over and over again. I get it completely; as discussed in another thread, I've been on a break for 3-4 months myself. I think I'm ready to try again and see how it goes. I intend to be more selective this time around. But you never know when you'll click with someone. With my previous relationship we just clicked and I couldn't have predicted that it was going to happen. So you have to figure out how to pace it such that you remain open to possibilities.

 

I'm about to try a new tack. There are two aspects to this dating thing... one is wanting a great relationship, which we all understand. The other is the need for human touch, companionship and sex. (Of course women will view the sex part as less urgent since y'all can either be a sex camel or get laid a dozen times a day in the grocery store parking lot if you're so inclined.) But for us guys, one of the frustrations is that women typically require you to pursue the relationship first, and then if you're lucky you might get laid some day. For us (or me), I'd be considerably less frustrated with the dating (looking for the relationship) if I was getting getting laid regularly.

 

So I think I will separate the two aspects and find myself a FWB. I've been talking to a woman who seems open to it, and I think we're going to meet up tonight. If it works out, I will no longer be motivated by the need for sex, and the only reason to go out with someone new will be if we really connect. It will shift the dating power dynamic somewhat in my favor.

[nospam99]

Two things:

 

There is a 'pool' of people who are on any site when I get there. After I have worked through that 'base', pickings are slim. I have to wait for newbies to trickle in. So it can seem like there are no longer any good prospects.

 

I never know when 'a one' (a women who is potentially 'the one') will trickle in (tricklers also include women unhiding their hidden profiles). So I see only a downside in taking a break, as tedious as checking regularly has become.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know if you have dating fatigue. You definitely have OLD fatigue. Uninstall all apps & unsubscribe from all dating services. Now plan real life things you can do to meet people but maybe give yourself February off from trying.

[elaine567]

I guess it is a bit like those who play the lottery every week, they can't take a break in case they miss winning the big prize...

[JuneL]

Just curious...are you mostly looking for guys who are never married and have no kids? Personally, the guys I know who are in this category and 40+ are either a player or a Peter Pan (if they’re not gay). Do you think that can be part of the issue here? The player part is especially true for a high-income guy in NYC, I assume?

[JuneL]

So I think I will separate the two aspects and find myself a FWB. I've been talking to a woman who seems open to it, and I think we're going to meet up tonight. If it works out, I will no longer be motivated by the need for sex, and the only reason to go out with someone new will be if we really connect. It will shift the dating power dynamic somewhat in my favor.

 

I’m not sure how fwb works for most people. I have never done one myself, but I wouldn’t want my fwb to date other women (much less have sex with them), if I ever got into one such arrangement

[Shining One]

I’m not sure how fwb works for most people. I have never done one myself, but I wouldn’t want my fwb to date other women (much less have sex with them), if I ever got into one such arrangement

The terms are negotiable, like any other relationship. I've had various FWBs over the years. We were almost always exclusive (sexually). We would "service" each other while we each searched for relationships. Once we found one worth pursuing, the FWB arrangement would be put on hold.

 

I found having a FWB made the searching a lot easier for me. I wasn't "driven" by lust any more and was far more analytical in my evaluation of relationship prospects.

[salparadise]

...but I wouldn’t want my fwb to date other women (much less have sex with them)

 

How is that different from a full relationship, beyond low commitment and real affection? Unless you’re talking about exclusivity in one direction only, which wouldn’t be too surprising as the expectation (for some).

 

*damn I feel like venting about expectations, but I’m on the phone so you’re spared for now.

[alphamale]

Or do you have any other thoughts or suggestions?

 

edgygurl: make yourself a hot chocolate then drink it while going thru OLD profiles

[PRW]

How often do you need breaks and for how long?

 

It didn’t work out with the last person I was seeing and I decided to reinstall one of the apps. For some reason, I am swiping left on 99% of profiles whereas in October/November when I went back after a long break I found a lot of seemingly compatible men.

 

Is it me and am I having dating fatigue?

Somehow you and I seem to be in the same place thinking the same thing most for the time.

 

Swiping mostly left could mean that you are just tired of wasting your time and your experience is getting better and telling you want you already know you won't be attracted to.

 

I took a break too. It went from the later part of last Summer up until yesterday when I put the apps back on the phone. I swiped "no" on about 95% of them till the apps were "caught up". So yeah, Dating Fatigue seems like a valid term.

[PRW]

I’m not sure how fwb works for most people. I have never done one myself, but I wouldn’t want my fwb to date other women (much less have sex with them), if I ever got into one such arrangement

I think it is kind of like getting rid of the bathroom in your house and using the one at the closest gas station from that point forward.

[PRW]

There is a 'pool' of people who are on any site when I get there. After I have worked through that 'base', pickings are slim. I have to wait for newbies to trickle in. So it can seem like there are no longer any good prospects.

Very good observation. It is like that with any kind of Singles Group too.

[edgygirl]

So if I'm honest I found that - I - am actually the (main) problem and not necessarily the men I've met and dated, I'll explain more below. I prefer divorced with no kids (as myself) but open to men with kids. I do meet quite a lot of men in this category.

 

As for my issues, I believe I have Fearful Avoidant (insecure) Attachment style, which makes perfect sense by the way I was raised (with nannies mostly). I realize now I either push men who are emotionally available, or get extremely attracted and interested in the ones who are not, very typical of people who are FA. I try to avoid men who seem like Peter Pan players but might get involved here and there with them as they fit well in the dynamic above. But in recent years I did date some who went on to marry other women, so I don't think I only go for emotionally unavailable men.

 

I am already working hard in identifying my actions and emotions that cause the issues (honestly it's actually super cliché and it pains me that I only found out recently) and hoping the next time I meet someone I like and see potential with, I will have enough self awareness to control the actions. Last man I dated in January, I was already aware of my issues but couldn't control the actions that pushes one away. Also, I think the guy might have been in the Avoidant side, which is a typical combo for FA.

 

As for the FWB - I've been thinking about it recently, and have someone I'm discussing the possibility with. Like salparadise, I also think it will take the edge off and then I'll only meet people sporadically those with real potential. I hope it will also help lessen the anxiety I get when I meet someone I really like.

 

I also agree I should take at least February off and I def have OLD fatigue. It's disheartening to spend months swiping. I will look into finding a few events where I can meet people in my niche as well. I am not sure why I haven't done it more. Perhaps because the 2-3 times I tried, I found it to be on the uninteresting side with no one I got interested in.

 

Just curious...are you mostly looking for guys who are never married and have no kids? Personally, the guys I know who are in this category and 40+ are either a player or a Peter Pan (if they’re not gay). Do you think that can be part of the issue here? The player part is especially true for a high-income guy in NYC, I assume?

[edgygirl]

I forgot to mention one more disheartening possibility why I got suddenly emotionally exhausted now is that I realized that this month it's been 5 fricking years since I last fell in love with someone. I've dated other people I liked and saw potential with, but things fizzled. During this period I also had health issues in the family, and some work issues which didn't help in my search for love. I am not sure how these past years passed so fast and it's been frustrating to look back and realize that in all these years I haven't felt real love again.

 

I'm trying to remain optimistic, but makes me wonder if I will ever find real love again and if it will take me years on end. Which doesn't help in the search.

[JuneL]

How is that different from a full relationship, beyond low commitment and real affection?

 

 

I can only accept a fwb for situations in which both parties are holding on dating due to a variety of reasons, but who miss the sex part.

 

There’s a movie not too long ago with the same title. I remember the female lead telling her fwb that she was thinking about going back to dating so she wanted to stop their arrangement.

Edited February 1, 2019 by JuneL

[PRW]

As for my issues, I believe I have Fearful Avoidant (insecure) Attachment style,

 

Well psychologists have to put food on their tables, so they have to keep inventing new "conditions" for people to be in so they can make money fixing them. I'm not saying those traits don't exist, I'm saying it is a legit way to be and there is nothing wrong or broken about it.

 

As for the FWB - I've been thinking about it recently, and have someone I'm discussing the possibility with. Like salparadise, I also think it will take the edge off and then I'll only meet people sporadically those with real potential. I hope it will also help lessen the anxiety I get when I meet someone I really like.

People who are looking for serious relationships with quality people will run from a person who gets involved with FWB situation like they have the plague. So the one involved in FWB just ends up going from one FWB to another FWB endlessly because no one else wants a husband of wife that they know did that in their past.

[edgygirl]

As for finding what my psychological issue was --

 

I think everyone in LS who - year after year - can't find love, and keeps thinking they are not the problem, that the problem is the people they're dating, their lack of luck... I recommend you open your mind and take a deep look at yourself, your patterns in relationships, your psychological side, your early childhood even if it has always seemed like a normal one...

 

Because there's only one common denominator in all these failed relationships - and it's you.

 

It was shocking for me to realize that - I - might be pushing people away despite wanting love so bad, that I myself have fear of intimacy due to childhood mini-traumas, and therefore I might not be fully emotionally available myself. It's shocking and horrid, but at the same time now I probably finally have a route to fix it.

[edgygirl]

Unfortunately it's very real and sadly my relationships fit all the patterns:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201505/come-here-go-away-the-dynamics-fearful-attachment

 

I haven't had the chance to get to a psychologist to confirm this yet. It's just mega scary to find all my issues described article after article. Including the root cause, which is what happened in my 0-5 years (no emotional validation from my parents albeit they were loving ones). It causes recurring patterns in my adult relationships.

 

In fact I once did therapy after my divorce and my therapist said she could not see any of the common psychological issues - but she was not specialized in this kind of trauma. She did cognitive behavior therapy with me, which doesn't even work on attachment issues.

 

I don't think this is something to take lightly, 40% of the population is insecurely attached (there are 3 types, I prob have one of them) and I don't doubt many people who come to LS complaining about failed relationships over and over through the years have this kind of attachment.

 

Ever wonder why some people just fall into healthy relationships and usually don't have issues forming a good connection? These are the lucky 60% who are securely attached.

 

Well psychologists have to put food on their tables, so they have to keep inventing new "conditions" for people to be in so they can make money fixing them. I'm not saying those traits don't exist, I'm saying it is a legit way to be and there is nothing wrong or broken about it.

Edited February 1, 2019 by edgygirl

[chillii]

Well psychologists have to put food on their tables, so they have to keep inventing new "conditions" for people to be in so they can make money fixing them. I'm not saying those traits don't exist, I'm saying it is a legit way to be and there is nothing wrong or broken about it.

 

People who are looking for serious relationships with quality people will run from a person who gets involved with FWB situation like they have the plague. So the one involved in FWB just ends up going from one FWB to another FWB endlessly because no one else wants a husband of wife that they know did that in their past.

 

 

Yep , exactly.

[Gretchen12]

Edgygirl, I think it's good to be able to tolerate being scared, upset, unsure, etc. without acting on it or acting out. You learn how the negative feelings can eventually subside and you soldier on. The people who are securely attached are not always happy either. But they accept rough patches without bolting out the door, or lashing out or punishing their partner. That's the main difference.

 

I dated a guy with a lot of issues. When there were problems, I ride it out while he freaks out, analyze to death, make judgements and decisions by whatever emotion at the moment. He acts like feeling bad would kill him. The sense of desperation probably comes from the abused child. I faced the same doubts and hurt in our relationship but I accept unpleasant feelings without freak out. It sucks but it doesn't kill me.

 

You have to look at the whole picture. Of course you can work on self improvement but no psychologist can make it all good. It just has to be good enough most of the time.

[edgygirl]

Thanks Gretchen. I’m fine with some conflict. I was talking with other people who are insecurely attached in a forum and they said the people who make us feel uber anxious in the beginning are usually avoidants. That basically we should go for people we find more boring, because those who elicit passion right away are usually insecurely attached as well. They play a role in our dynamics.

 

It might be true because when a man is not insecurely attached they don’t trigger my anxiety.

 

I’m not saying all secured attached people are happy, just that they don’t have to go through this crazy cycle that we feel when an insecure is dating an insecure (attachment theory).

[gelite3]

Dating can be tiring and exhausting. I certainly understand why you decided to take a break. Only you really know if you are ready to get back in the race. Your break may have given you time to narrow your standards and expectations, which could be why fewer people appeal to you. This is a good thing. Be open to meeting people on-line and in real life. Take your time and focus on the character of the person and how they treat you. Some helpful books that would be good to read are: Boundaries in Dating and How to Find a Date Worth Keeping.