iamCAROL Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Hello everyone, I am in a very sticky situation and I hope someone can give me a little bit of advice. I met this guy online and we immediately clicked. We talked for days and I was feeling really special and blessed to be able to talk with someone that I had a strong connection with which is really hard for me.He has given me life changing advice that improved my life tremendously. Unfortunately, when I stalked him on social media to see if everything was alright I discovered that he is much older than me, married and with kids. He had told me he was younger so he lied about his age. I snapped and I was very mad but I forgave him because he looked well intentioned as someone who cared a lot about me. He does not love his wife and he married for the obligation of raising his kids together with her. Nonetheless I still bad about interacting that way with a married man so I don’t act on what I feel. Because of my moral standards I would never be able to talk to him in a romantic way but I did not want to loose touch with him either. So I friendzoned him. The thing is... sometimes he says really passionate stuff to me like how we get along so well and in a soulmate kind of way. I have not lost that connection that I developed when I was unaware of his real life but I try not to act on it because I don’t want to interact that way with a committed man. I have made a point to declare us as just friends but unfortunately the more I speak to him the more he seems to fall in love with me. We have an age gap and we’re from different earth hemispheres and he is not available. We should remain friends. But sometimes he talks about how we should blur the lines and just show our feelings. I can’t do that. I feel bad just for complimenting him sometimes because I feel bad for receiving emotion that should be given to his kids or wife. I repress some of my intense feelings for him because my conscience does not let me interact with him like that. I have never connected on such a deep level with someone. But I was once the betrayed girl and I would not want my husband doing this even if we didn’t love each other. So what should I do? Should two people with such a strong connection be friends? Can we even be friends? Should I leave him alone? He is already so lonely and he does not have anyone to talk to. I think I’ll feel bad no matter what I choose. If you guys have any advice please give it to me. I’m really confused on what I should do. I have never been in this place. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Why are you still even speaking to some guy who lied to you about his age, the fact that he has a wife and kids, and more lies that he doesn't love his wife? There is no reason to have to friend zone a married man. What else would he be to you than a friend or acquaintance if he is married. He is only looking for extra sex so don't get confused and think something more is going to come from your interaction with him. The moment you found out he was married you should have stopped talking to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 Why are you still even speaking to some guy who lied to you about his age, the fact that he has a wife and kids, and more lies that he doesn't love his wife? There is no reason to have to friend zone a married man. What else would he be to you than a friend or acquaintance if he is married. He is only looking for extra sex so don't get confused and think something more is going to come from your interaction with him. The moment you found out he was married you should have stopped talking to him. Hello, thank you for your message. I kept talking to him because he gave me really life changing advice when I was having family issues and he was a good friend to me and a support when I had no one to talk to. He has made clear that he does not feel sexual attraction to me which only makes me more confused. If he did I would have immediately stopped talking to him. But I guess that made me even more puzzled. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 You should do nothing. He's on the other side of the planet. He lied to you about his age. You don't realize it but he also lied to about not loving his wife. You have never met this guy & don't even know him. You think you clicked with him but that is just a fantasy. You clicked with the guy you think he is, not the man he actually is -- an older, married father who lies & cheats. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 He's just trying to get you to talk sexy to him so he can sit there and masturbate. That's it. Block this mofo. That's probably ALL he does while his wife takes care of the kids. Don't talk to him and give him the chance to lie his way out of it. You owe him nothing. Block him. If you need advice, you can get it right here on LS. Some of us are older and wiser too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 You should do nothing. He's on the other side of the planet. He lied to you about his age. You don't realize it but he also lied to about not loving his wife. You have never met this guy & don't even know him. You think you clicked with him but that is just a fantasy. You clicked with the guy you think he is, not the man he actually is -- an older, married father who lies & cheats. Thank you for your advice. I have been thinking about backing off and stopping to talk with him. I’ve done a couple of tests to see until where he would go. Perhaps he’s just a very lonely guy. When I found out he lied to me I snapped and assumed the worst. I can see he has remorse but perhaps you’re right. Maybe I’m feeding something wrong. I guess the reason why I kept talking to him is due to the fact that he was very non judgmental and gave me advice that I’ll be forever grateful for and because we had similar childhood family stories to empathize with each other. I don’t think he physically cheats but perhaps looking for people online and giving emotion he should be giving to his family is a form of it too? I once told him about my ex cheating boyfriend and instantly despised him. So I guess he could not relate to him. I can’t figure him out completely. I don’t know. I think you might have some true on what you’re saying. And I’ll do something about it. Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it. My friends say I’m naive but perhaps I’m too optimistic about people. I think you gave me a reality check that I was needing. Thank you so much. I won’t feel as bad once I do something about. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 He's just trying to get you to talk sexy to him so he can sit there and masturbate. That's it. Block this mofo. That's probably ALL he does while his wife takes care of the kids. Don't talk to him and give him the chance to lie his way out of it. You owe him nothing. Block him. If you need advice, you can get it right here on LS. Some of us are older and wiser too. I didn’t ever talk sexy to him. I already said that I don’t do anything of that nature because I know he has wife and kids and that would be disrespectful to those people. I do feel like I owe him because of the advice he gave to me. But perhaps I should stop talking to him because of these circumstances. And you’re right about other places for advice. Thank you so much for your answer! I had no idea what to do before because I’m so confused about this situation. I’ve never experience anything like this ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I really don't know what's so confusing about this guy and why you feel you need to figure him out. He is a married man acting inappropriately with you. That is all you need to know to leave him alone and stop contact. It's that simple. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 IamCAROL, Please wake up and smell what you're shovelling. Your amazing relationship is nothing but a crock. What on earth are you doing even talking to this creepy old married man? Block him and move on - and do it NOW ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Osho Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 HeÂ’s currently renting space in your mind for free. Emotionally taxing you and taking up your time with no possible positive outcome in the future. Even if you did uproot your life to move to him or him to you then you would be in the situation of wondering if one day you would be in the situation his wife is in. You established boundaries in hopes to salvage the relationship as just friends but he crossed those as well. The fact he has you debating ignoring your own standards is a huge sign. DonÂ’t loose focus of your values in order to entertain someone who clearly isnÂ’t thinking of you in a altruistic way. Who knows maybe letting him go will usher in someone who does value you as much as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Most guys, especially old married ones who are trying to talk to young women on the internet, have sex or sex fodder as an end goal. You owe him nothing. He knows he's inappropriate. Do not feel sorry for him. He's not lonely. He has a family and he shouldn't be wasting time doing this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 If you think he gave you good advice, I bet his wife can give you even better advice. Tell him you want to meet his family as a friend. If he says yes (I doubt he would), you can be a friend of the family. If he says no, well, then you know there's reason to hide in shame. How can shame be good enough for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I don’t think he physically cheats but perhaps looking for people online and giving emotion he should be giving to his family is a form of it too? I once told him about my ex cheating boyfriend and instantly despised him. So I guess he could not relate to him. I can’t figure him out completely. That's called having an emotional affair. You might want to search the site for the term - there are lots of stories of people getting embroiled in these because they don't think it's exactly cheating (try the infidelity section). But EAs can cause just as much pain and ruins just as many relationships as physical affairs. My advice is to stay well away from this guy; you really, truly do not "owe him" anything! So he gave you some good advice on something - a thank you is enough. You don't owe him further time or attention than that. I wouldn't trust him on the cheating ex-BF stuff either. He knows what you want to hear. It's what anyone would want to hear. It's not real, though. Cut him off before this gets more painful for everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) Unfortunately, I discovered that he is much older than me, married and with kids. I snapped and I was very mad but I forgave him because he looked well intentioned as someone who cared a lot about me. He doesn’t care about you. If he did, he wouldn’t be engaging in a an inappropriate relationship with you. He would be telling you to go and find someone who is available to be what you want him to be. NOTHING excuses the fact that he is married to another woman and he has children... He does not have the right to be engaging in an extramarital relationship. And you can’t be friends with him - because he has pretty much told you that he wants to be more than friends. He does not love his wife and he married for the obligation of raising his kids together with her. Said every. Single. Married man. Trying to have sex. With another woman other than his wife. If you spend some time reading this website... Every. Single. One. It’s textbook married man talk. The only thing he missed was “she won’t have sex with me and we sleep in separate rooms...” Don’t be that guliable... Edited February 2, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 IamCAROL, Please wake up and smell what you're shovelling. Your amazing relationship is nothing but a crock. What on earth are you doing even talking to this creepy old married man? Block him and move on - and do it NOW ! I’ve been thinking about stopping to talk to him. You put things bluntly and I’m grateful for that. Thank you so much for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 HeÂ’s currently renting space in your mind for free. Emotionally taxing you and taking up your time with no possible positive outcome in the future. Even if you did uproot your life to move to him or him to you then you would be in the situation of wondering if one day you would be in the situation his wife is in. You established boundaries in hopes to salvage the relationship as just friends but he crossed those as well. The fact he has you debating ignoring your own standards is a huge sign. DonÂ’t loose focus of your values in order to entertain someone who clearly isnÂ’t thinking of you in a altruistic way. Who knows maybe letting him go will usher in someone who does value you as much as you do. Yeah. I did try to establish boundaries and he does call me a friend but that’s not how he treats me. He treats me the same way as before but calls me friend. And I had never thought about it that way, how he suggested abandoning my values. Thank you for your advice. That was very insightful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 Most guys, especially old married ones who are trying to talk to young women on the internet, have sex or sex fodder as an end goal. You owe him nothing. He knows he's inappropriate. Do not feel sorry for him. He's not lonely. He has a family and he shouldn't be wasting time doing this. He lied to me about his age. It’s not impossible that he lied to me about his lonely state. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 HeÂ’s currently renting space in your mind for free. Emotionally taxing you and taking up your time with no possible positive outcome in the future. Even if you did uproot your life to move to him or him to you then you would be in the situation of wondering if one day you would be in the situation his wife is in. You established boundaries in hopes to salvage the relationship as just friends but he crossed those as well. The fact he has you debating ignoring your own standards is a huge sign. DonÂ’t loose focus of your values in order to entertain someone who clearly isnÂ’t thinking of you in a altruistic way. Who knows maybe letting him go will usher in someone who does value you as much as you do. I had never thought about it from that point of view. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I had never thought how he tried to make me ignore my standards and values. That makes me feel not as bad for ending contact with him. That was a very insightful advice. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 Most guys, especially old married ones who are trying to talk to young women on the internet, have sex or sex fodder as an end goal. You owe him nothing. He knows he's inappropriate. Do not feel sorry for him. He's not lonely. He has a family and he shouldn't be wasting time doing this. I personally don’t think he is interested in anything sexual. He never asked for photos and I have never given those to him. He never talked to me in a sexual way. At all. However I still think it’s wrong because the emotion he is giving me should not be given to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 If you think he gave you good advice, I bet his wife can give you even better advice. Tell him you want to meet his family as a friend. If he says yes (I doubt he would), you can be a friend of the family. If he says no, well, then you know there's reason to hide in shame. How can shame be good enough for you? I’m not interested in befriending his family and I’m not interested in being involved with him on a romantic level. I think I’ll cut ties with him. Perhaps that would be better. Thank you for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 That's called having an emotional affair. You might want to search the site for the term - there are lots of stories of people getting embroiled in these because they don't think it's exactly cheating (try the infidelity section). But EAs can cause just as much pain and ruins just as many relationships as physical affairs. My advice is to stay well away from this guy; you really, truly do not "owe him" anything! So he gave you some good advice on something - a thank you is enough. You don't owe him further time or attention than that. I wouldn't trust him on the cheating ex-BF stuff either. He knows what you want to hear. It's what anyone would want to hear. It's not real, though. Cut him off before this gets more painful for everybody. Yeah. I know that word. I have been trying to disengage from his flirt attempts because I don’t want to have any part in that. I think he is not respecting his wife which I hate because I have been cheated on and I know how much it hurts. I’m torn between how I should behave. A part of me wants to shake the hell out of him for his wrong doings and the other part of me wants to thank him because 2018 was a hard year for me and he listened to everything and gave me life changing advice. I have made my mind and I’m going to cut ties with him. I realize how naive I have been now that I’m reading the answers to my post. I had no idea how to deal with the situation, how to think or react. I know now. Thanks you and thanks all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iamCAROL Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 That's called having an emotional affair. You might want to search the site for the term - there are lots of stories of people getting embroiled in these because they don't think it's exactly cheating (try the infidelity section). But EAs can cause just as much pain and ruins just as many relationships as physical affairs. My advice is to stay well away from this guy; you really, truly do not "owe him" anything! So he gave you some good advice on something - a thank you is enough. You don't owe him further time or attention than that. I wouldn't trust him on the cheating ex-BF stuff either. He knows what you want to hear. It's what anyone would want to hear. It's not real, though. Cut him off before this gets more painful for everybody. He doesn’t care about you. If he did, he wouldn’t be engaging in a an inappropriate relationship with you. He would be telling you to go and find someone who is available to be what you want him to be. NOTHING excuses the fact that he is married to another woman and he has children... He does not have the right to be engaging in an extramarital relationship. And you can’t be friends with him - because he has pretty much told you that he wants to be more than friends. Said every. Single. Married man. Trying to have sex. With another woman other than his wife. If you spend some time reading this website... Every. Single. One. It’s textbook married man talk. The only thing he missed was “she won’t have sex with me and we sleep in separate rooms...” Don’t be that guliable... I know nothing excuses his behavior and that is why I have been trying to disengage since I found that out. Oh really? I didn’t know that. Maybe I’m guliable. I had never talked with a married man. Once I find a man is married he’s automatically unavailable in my brain so I had never developed feelings for someone in that state. The problem here is that I had no idea. I discovered because I looked him up online and he confessed to lying. I know what to do now: stop talking to him. Thank you for your advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I personally don’t think he is interested in anything sexual. He never asked for photos and I have never given those to him. He never talked to me in a sexual way. At all. However I still think it’s wrong because the emotion he is giving me should not be given to me. I'm assuming you're very very young, or an extremely naive young adult. In either event, when someone CONS you and pretends to be someone else, and continually lies to you, misleads you, deceives you and tricks you until YOU have to find out the truth, what does that say about this degenerate???? You know how I know you're naive? Because you aren't looking at the BIG picture. And the BIG pictures is that if this guy were looking for an 'innocent' friend to chat with online, he wouldn't have LIED TO YOU about his age and he wouldn't have LIED TO YOU about being married and he wouldn't have LIED TO YOU about having kids, and he wouldn't have LIED TO YOU about how his marriage is just a roommate situation because they have to raise their kids. This is the same steaming manure all married men pull on the internet when they go online hoping to find naive women like you who'll believe their bull**** so they can eventually get their jollies with you. You act as though he's freakin' Doctor Phil or something and that his advice is worth it's weight in gold. Please. I'm sure whatever oh so profound earth-shattering 'advice' he gave you can be found on Google. Stop being naive and more so, stop REWARDING a slimy liar for conning you and tricking you for his OWN selfish benefit. Jeez, would you invite the guy who mugged you to your house for dinner? Would you go to the movies with the guy who stole your car? It's the same principle!!!! He lied to you and conned you and you REWARD him by acting like you owe him something. Stop being naive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GraceAndJoy Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 IamCarol, think of it this way. If you got great advice from a man over the internet and he seemed really caring, then you found out it was David Berkowitz ("Son of Sam") the notorious serial killer who was pretending to be a young, available guy on online dating, and he was texting you from his prison cell, would you say, "Well I do owe him, he gave me so much support earlier when I thought he was a good guy..."?? Now, I know cheating on your spouse is not the same as killing people, but maybe that will drive home the point. Anyone can be nice SOME of the time. He is NOT A NICE GUY if he is texting girls on a dating site behind his wife's back. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Hello, thank you for your message. I kept talking to him because he gave me really life changing advice when I was having family issues and he was a good friend to me and a support when I had no one to talk to. He has made clear that he does not feel sexual attraction to me which only makes me more confused. If he did I would have immediately stopped talking to him. But I guess that made me even more puzzled. Aside from the fact that he lied and is married, how can he have a sexual attraction to you if you’ve never met and I’m guessing because you live on different hemispheres, you’ll most likely never meet? Also you also said he wanted you to show your feelings to each other but then you say he’s not attracted to you. Very confusing. Why do you want to speak to someone over the Internet who you will never meet? Don’t you want face to face connection? With someone who is single? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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