This thinking

[ZA Dater]

I think I need some opinions on this.

My thinking with dating has always been long term, is this wrong? I don't know the answer to this. My thinking has always been to find someone I get along with, find attractive, connect with and go from there. The problem is this isn't work for me at all. Do I try to change my entire philosophy about this? Every match I seem to get is beset on getting married and its nauseating because honestly none of them offer anything of interest to me.

 

My question is do I think short term? The entire structure of my life is seemingly ill suited to someone who isn't at least 50% like me in general lifestyle so I don't have a lot to work with. The other problem I have is a slight moral one with short term but that issue is actually harder to solve in a short term scenario.

 

Just wondering if I need to try change the way I look at this.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[alphamale]

could you please elaborate? I don't understand what you are asking

[losangelena]

I think I’ve mentioned this to you before, that it’s dangerous to assume that you will just need to find one woman who will meet all your criteria and that it will somehow work out. Even if you find your needle in a haystack, it’s not guaranteed that will turn into a forever relationship. You may need to find several woman who fall within your strict compatibility lines before you find THE one.

 

99% of dating is rejection. That why people call it a numbers game, because you need to cycle through partners who don’t work (even if they look great on paper) before finding one who works.

 

I can’t belive you’re asking if we think you need to change your approach. Based on all the evidence at your disposal, what do you think we're going to say?

[ZA Dater]

I think I’ve mentioned this to you before, that it’s dangerous to assume that you will just need to find one woman who will meet all your criteria <snip>

 

How much do I compromise on that? The biggest and fundamental problem I have is I need someone who will fit in fairly well with my lifestyle, I don't go out a lot, I am not a social butterfly but I am not totally inept either. For example someone who goes to trance parties and music festivals wont work, irrespective of how pretty they are.

 

This has always been my issue, do I forget about the fundamental incompatibility and try regardless? Of course the usual problem of lack of "wow" applies and that's harder to solve. Actually fairly impossible to solve barring meeting person after person.

 

Do I look for short term "friends with benefits" type things, I don't think I would find any of those. Do I find some miraculous person who is prepared to do their own thing while I do mine and someone get something like that to work?

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[chillii]

l hear exactly what he's saying it's pretty simple to my mind anyway.

ZA Dater, you wouldn't be a casual hook up type person or all these few weeks or months things so many round here seem to get themselves into anyway so it's only natural you think long term.

 

Personally that's the only way l've ever thought that's why l've never done this dating thing in my life not even before l was married. Although it's not done so much like that here anyway people more wait it out for someone really suitable to come along, but if l couldn't see a future or liked her in that way which only takes about a minute, then there was no point anyway to my mind.

lt didn't always work out that way once you'd been together awhile but that's only natural.

 

For you , the only thing to consider is that if you wanna hold out for that right girl , it could be years between drinks before she comes along, if she does.

 

So whether or not you wanna fill in those gaps with casually meeting women in the meantime, is up to to you. Good luck anyway , you've made some great strides lately from what l read.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[central]

My goal was to find someone long term, but of course most dating situations don't work out and are short term. However, I would try to date women who were looking for a relationship, not just casual dating, so we at least shared the desire to find something lasting (whether or not it did). If I didn't find someone with that goal, I'd date anyway, just for the experience and fun.

[Simple Logic]

Chew a bit on this fact. People when they get married plan long term, yet 50% of marriages fail. Should dating be any easier?

 

There are times in life when people have intentional short term relationships. Sometimes it is for sex, other times just to have someone in their life. The problem is dead end relationships can interfere with finding a life long partner if that is your goal.

 

Once you discover they are not the one, move on.

[chillii]

Yeah see that is a huge point too that very few people seem aware of or understand but it's always been my view too.

Because yeah all the won't go anywhere anyway stuff can very much so interfere and also just create the never ending roller coaster which so many people just dating dating seem to be stuck on.

Personally l also believe the one your really meant to be with may well very easily pass you by too while your busy wasting time on dead ends . l believe l've seen this happen with some very long term single people l know.

Edited January 20, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

How much do I compromise on that? The biggest and fundamental problem I have is I need someone who will fit in fairly well with my lifestyle, I don't go out a lot, I am not a social butterfly but I am not totally inept either. For example someone who goes to trance parties and music festivals wont work, irrespective of how pretty they are.

 

I'm not sure what relevance her prettiness has to this, but why can't you be with someone who goes to music festivals and trance parties? My husband plays golf and loves going to the soccer - neither of which enthuses me - so he goes without me. And I'm happy at home doing my domestic arts.

[littleblackheart]

Yes to the idea of wanting something long-term, mitigated by common sense.

 

In other words, you need to find just the right balance between not forcing something that isn't working by staying committed to a dead-end relationship on principle, and dismissing every chance of a relationship on a detail.

 

What are your non-negotiable prerequisites? And what are your non-negotiable deal-breakers?

 

As an example (bear in mind this is theory, as I'm not actually looking - that's just to illustrate my point), my absolute non-negotiable deal-breakers: someone who is not family-orientated and / or has no social circle, has strong religious views, any sign of small-mindness, pettiness, bigotry, manipulation, abnormal levels of anxiety or judgement.

 

Absolute prerequites: kind, emotionally stable, very independent, risk-taker, patient, straight talker, of healthy body and mind, allergic to drama.

 

I'm flexible on everything else.

 

Make a list of those for yourself, see what you can and cannot compromise on with a good degree of flexibility, and get to know your dates with the positive mindset of looking for compatibility on your absolute prerequisites (the things you won't budge on come what may). They are personal to you so there is no right or wrong answer.

[chillii]

Dunno about parties and festivals and yeah , pretty has nothing to do with that and won't get far alone.

But your not gonna be identical be pretty boring anyway and yeah your own thing in some stuffs actually a benefit imo.

You want basically like minded though and so in your case maybe a home body or something like, nothing wrong with that a lot of girls don't like going out much they're around.

[NuevoYorko]

There is a lot of territory between "trance parties" and "not a social butterfly."

 

Reading your many threads, the impression I get is that you need a very precise puzzle piece to fit into the already inflexible jigsaw puzzle that is your life.

 

You don't talk about growing or changing your outlook.

 

I think it's your rigid and demanding attitude that is causing your problems. Not the fact that you haven't tried "short term dating." Or maybe you're talking about one night stands or paying for sex. Whatever, sure, why not. Try it.

[elaine567]

Problem here is that none of these dates whether wow or not, thought "He isn't really my cup of tea for a LTR, but he would make a fun and sexy ONS or FWB", and followed through did they?

 

 

That is the issue.

Women may have expectations for LTRS, but women also have expectations for FWBs and casual sex partners and whilst they may not be looking then for a man to "provide" or to be a good father to her kids, she does not want to be in a casual type arrangement with someone who isn't fun or very good looking or incredibly sexy... unless she is desperate...

You are looking for easy ways out of your predicament, but there is no easy way out, you simply have to come up to scratch.

Even those "fat and undesirable" women you apparently abhor, will have standards they will not want to lower for just anyone...

[ZA Dater]

Problem here is that none of these dates whether wow or not, thought "He isn't really my cup of tea for a LTR, but he would make a fun and sexy ONS or FWB", and followed through did they?<snip>>

 

Ok sure but the issue then is do I simply just "remove" any of my likes and try and like what I don't like or try and like what likes me, "beg" people to like me via whatever reasonable means.

 

I know nothing about flirting and yes there were perhaps 4 or 5 who did want to take me home or me to take them home, they weren't very subtle about this but of those only 1 was actually viable.

 

What do I gear myself towards? Long term? Short term? Friends? Long distance? I cant seem to find any of those, well perhaps barring he last one that I am actually capable of doing, the last one I can do because apparently I seem to "work" much better in text than I do in person.

 

At some point I'll need to look at this differently, do I go out and try talk to random people, but to what end and with what purpose? I don't fit in so when I tried that last time it was like running into a rock, a fairly horrid experience. Physically I look pretty good based on what I am told.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ZA Dater]

<snip>

Reading your many threads, the impression I get is that you need a very precise puzzle piece to fit into the already inflexible jigsaw puzzle that is your life. You don't talk about growing or changing your outlook.

<snip>

 

My outlook is defined by what will work for me. Example: I don't drink so someone who enjoys going to bars and suchlike wont really work for me and this non drinking rules out about 95% of people in SA. Example: I go to fancy lunches and dinners so I need someone who can fit in there, is well spoken, well presented and isn't intimidated. Example: I am pretty career driven and ambitious so I need someone who is equally so or at the very least looking to advance themselves.

 

These three cumulatively or individually are always the deal breakers for me.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ZA Dater]

<snip>

What are your non-negotiable prerequisites? And what are your non-negotiable deal-breakers?

<snip>

 

Deal breakers

1: Smoking, cigarettes or otherwise

2: Kids

3: Divorced

4: Unemployed

5: Unambitious

6: Lack of manners, poor etiquette

7: Poor vocab

8: Not active

9: Overly religious

10: Heavy drinker

11: Small mindedness

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[littleblackheart]

Ok. That seems fine tbh.

 

What essential qualities (as in good character traits) are you looking for? Imo you should put extea focus on compatibilities, not just deal-breakers.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

My outlook is defined by what will work for me.

Example: I don't drink so someone who enjoys going to bars and suchlike wont really work for me and this non drinking rules out about 95% of people in SA.

Plenty non alcoholic wines, beers, ciders and spirits available nowadays.

I can see you do not want a party girl or someone hooked on alcohol, but what about a girl who has the odd glass of wine/GandT in the evening, does she really need to be teetotal?

 

Example: I go to fancy lunches and dinners so I need someone who can fit in there, is well spoken, well presented and isn't intimidated.

Yes that is important, not only for these outings but for your life in general. You need someone with a bit of class.

 

Example: I am pretty career driven and ambitious so I need someone who is equally so or at the very least looking to advance themselves.

Does she really need to be like this?

Two very career driven ambitious people may not be the best combination. A lot of potential friction generated maybe, as both vie for what they want at the expense of the other...

You probably need someone who is more of a supporter and a fan rather than a competitor.

[ZA Dater]

Plenty non alcoholic wines, beers, ciders and spirits available nowadays.

I can see you do not want a party girl or someone hooked on alcohol, but what about a girl who has the odd glass of wine/GandT in the evening, does she really need to be teetotal?<snip>

 

They can drink, I just don't want to drink. So if they can accept that all is well. Class is the hardest of the things I look for to find, they are all hard to find but this is especially difficult to find. Lets just say this, with respect school teacher and au pairs hold no interest for me, marketing seems to be the sweet spot in terms of people I end up liking.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[chillii]

lt's amazing from city to city the difference in class, got any other cities or big towns near you. ? You might get a nice surprise.

lf you use date sites check out the work she does they often say.

l always looked at her work because l knew there were some l wouldn't want for various reasons and it would've also most likely go with a personality l wouldn't fit with either.

Edited January 21, 2019 by chillii

[some_username1]

Class is the hardest of the things I look for to find, they are all hard to find but this is especially difficult to find.

 

This has absolutely been my experience too- although I have to ask.why you say you are using Tinder if this is the case? Maybe it is a bit different where you are, I live in a busy metropolitan area which has a business district and yet Tinder appears to be the absolute dregs in terms of finding a girl whose profile pictures convey 'class'.

 

In fact I find it a desperately sad sign of our times in the west that just when I feel like I am getting comfortable with a girl I will let slip that I am looking for a classy girl and she comes across as such to me. I see that as a compliment and it has actually inspired horror in the girl! It seems women seriously do not want to be referred to or thought of as classy. Perhaps because they think of themselves and their bad habits and don't want to be held up to some sort of perceived behavioural standard, I dunno....but it all seems a bit bizarre to me that the women I go on dates with (who portray class in their profile otherwise I wouldn't go on a date with them in the first place) so vehemently reject the idea that they are classy girls. It has happened so often that I don't even say it anymore.

 

But yeah, in my experience you are definitely looking in the wrong place on Tinder. Class is probably the biggest thing I look for (ie no pictues of them kissing their dog, looking good in a dress, no instagram attention whore nonsense etc) and as such I left swipe most of the women I see on Tinder. I feel like I should have been born in the 1950's when women seemed to be much more feminine.

[ZA Dater]

This has absolutely been my experience too- although I have to ask.why you say you are using Tinder if this is the case? Maybe it is a bit different where you are, I live in a busy metropolitan area which has a business district and yet Tinder appears to be the absolute dregs in terms of finding a girl whose profile pictures convey 'class'.<snip>

 

I don't mind them kissing dogs, cuddling pets and such like. Class for me is having good manners and speaking well. I am starting to question some of my own logic because its not really working for me. What I am trying to understand is do I keep looking long term in the hope I find that person because realistically I don't think that's going to happen or do I somehow try and chase sort term success whatever that may be?

 

The thing is I spend my day around corporate and by extension a lot of my free time is spent around those same sort of older people so miss 20/30 something yogi doesn't really work for me from an intellectual point of view even if some do from a physical attractiveness point of view.

 

Maybe somewhere I missed the memo but I look at K, she is what I would define as normal, just a nice girl, ambitious, knowledgeable and articulate and in some respects as I go the full friend zone thing I am learning her journey isn't dissimilar to mine. Her beliefs aren't a lot different to mine AND as I learnt yesterday she is desperate not to be alone.

 

Surely there are more people like that, surely not everyone is a yogi, trance party loving, partying drinking or a librarian? The Swedish lady, I think what impressed me so much is she was normal, she enjoyed normal things, she was ambitious. Perhaps Tinder isn't right but Bumble isn't either, nor is OKcupid.

 

 

Frankly I am left with two options:

1: Leverage off the one friend I have who does date, but that puts me with gold diggers, yogi's and trance party loving ladies

2: Go out and try meet people myself but where, NOT MEETUP! Each time I explored this I just found the same type of people, the same type but is my thinking wrong? Am I wrong? Many dates I get looked at like I am completely mad because my philosophy differs so much from theirs.

 

Option 1 might get me some experience at the expense of being extremely shy and not really connecting with anyone which almost totally rules out the experience part.

Option 2 is likely to make me dislike myself.

 

Is there a different way for me to think? I have always wanted to like someone as a whole rather than because of one thing but frequently all I here are guys obsessing about one thing, who is right me or neither?

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

That is why it is pretty good to go to university or college as you tend to meet like minded people in whatever course you choose to study.

This is going to sound extremely snobbish, but OLD is a disaster for this kind of thing, as it tends to attract "everyone".

People, if you were to meet socially, at some sort of a get together, you would make your excuses and leave promptly for the safety of more suitable company... I get it.

[ZA Dater]

That is why it is pretty good to go to university or college as you tend to meet like minded people in whatever course you choose to study.

This is going to sound extremely snobbish, but OLD is a disaster for this kind of thing, as it tends to attract "everyone".

People, if you were to meet socially, at some sort of a get together, you would make your excuses and leave promptly for the safety of more suitable company... I get it.

 

Well the boat sailed on that, actually there is an interesting aside to that. I chose to study via correspondence, why because I wanted a challenge and it was a challenge. Do I regret doing so, to a large extent yes because the reason mentioned above. BUT I did attend some lectures for some subjects and what I mostly found was I didn't fit in with those people either, I made too study friends but I couldn't even fit in with those guys socially. Mostly because it was party/drinking most of the time and someone who doesn't do that isn't "fun".

 

I did once got propositioned by an extremely attractive marketing student but I made a complete mess of that social interaction and that was that.

Edited January 22, 2019 by ZA Dater
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[Haydn]

Madam Swish, 12.30 Kempton.

 

Dead cert mate, she`ll come first. So she`ll think you are great!

 

On the nose.

 

Ref, Daily express.