Single, BITTER and hating the way I feel!

[MissLucyG]

Hey all,

 

I'm 36 and have been single, as in not in a committed relationship, for about 7 years now. There have been periods of a year or more of no sex or dating during those years, but there have also been about 15 dating-app type dates, and about five short flings. I've never been a serial monogamist, my entire life. I've had boyfriends, around five total but nothing much more than a year. I'm not relationship-lead on the whole, I enjoy my single life and have never craved marriage or children.

 

BUT... I've now come to realise... I've become bitter. I find app/internet dating really awkward and painful, it fills me with anxiety and I've never enjoyed the process, plus I feel it makes me look for the wrong things. When I meet men in real life my attraction and the chemistry grow over time, and I prefer that. Now I'm in my 30s a lot of the men I meet that I connect with are married with kids, and I'm not one to go chasing after men who are already taken. I'm sober so don't meet men in clubs or bars these days, not that those were the kind of trysts that lead to anything worthwhile anyway.

 

I've not been that happy in my relationships, after the initial stage of being smitten I feel trapped and scared to be with them forever. I figured the solution to that was to have a firm idea of the sort of man who I should be with, but I'm honestly not sure he even exists, let alone that I'll find him and he'll be single. People tell me to be less picky but I don't feel comfortable or driven to compromise on the wonderful things I've built in my life over these years of being single, and I don't want to trap myself in a relationship that makes me unhappy. I've been repeatedly lied to and cheated on and ghosted and I don't have fond thoughts of relationships or men in general these days, but I don't kid myself, I know there are many great men out there who would never do such things.

 

Sometimes I tell myself I'm done and will be single forever, and whilst I feel relief, I also feel sad. I find my female friends who are dating obsessed to be stupid and vacuous in their obsessive pursuit of a mate, but I wonder if I feel that way just because it feels so unnatural to me. It hurts to live in a world that tells you you should be in a couple, and to watch everyone you know find it so effortless, when you find it so impossible.

 

I found myself yesterday berating a friend who'd decided to go on a holiday with a new fling early in their dating, telling her it would be bad for her mental health as he was moving abroad afterwards, telling her she'd have to compromise her travel plans for him, blah blah blah... really I just want her to stay single. To be like me so I'm not alone in being alone.

 

I don't know what to do with myself, I don't want to be like this but have no clue how to find my happy spot and shake this bitter anger about relationships and dating that's taken hold of me. I'd welcome all input, from singletons and those in long term relationships. It feels good to just get that OUT.

[manfrombelow2]

After all, only you can help you with your problems.

 

I suggest you go out more, go to the gym (better physical conditions help improve mental health), use some dating app to find friends (not lovers, just friends first). And things will start changing from there.

 

Nobody deserves to end up being a bitter and toxic person that nobody else wanna involve with, nobody, especially you.

 

Goodluck.

[d0nnivain]

Get off the apps.

 

I found myself single at 37 & lost. I'd been in a series of LTRs, the longest being 10 years. When I broke up with the last one after about 2+ years together I had no idea how to be single as an adult. I had met all my previous BFs in an academic setting Even that last guy I met at a HS reunion.

 

I tried OLD because everyone said that was the thing to do. It was demoralizing. Rejection after rejection, men I would never give the time of day to in real life. I hated it. It just made me think about what was missing from my life, rather than all the riches I did have. I closed my computer & went back to living my life. I worked on my business, I hung out with friends, I lived. I got up the courage to attend singles events & mixers on my own. Being able to size up a someone in person was so much better for me. Eventually I met my husband at a business event.

 

I watched a dear friend from college & grad school get more & more bitter with each passing tear. She was SOOOO focused on getting a man that her singleness became all consuming. It almost destroyed her. It damged our friendship & cost her a job. I tried to talking to her but it was like talking to a brick wall. One of the things that she used to tell me is that I was settling by dating my husband because he was not a millionaire nor did he have a college education. I ignored her bad advice & we're very happy. She is still miserable.

 

Just because you don't agree with your friends' choices doesn't make those choices wrong for them. Even if they are wrong, the choice still belongs to them. I find that hard to remember sometimes but it remains true.

 

Find things about your life that you love & the heck with what everybody else says or thinks. It does feel like life is Noah's Ark sometimes & people are expected to be all coupled up but that is not the only reality.

 

Best wishes.

[GinON]

Hey all,

 

I've not been that happy in my relationships, after the initial stage of being smitten I feel trapped and scared to be with them forever.

 

This is where I would start. Can you see a therapist? Either way, investigate Avoidant attachment style, and the other styles and see if avoidant clicks. The quote is pretty indicative. If so, from there you can start looking into working on yourself and making yourself more secure.

 

You might try listening to these You Tubers: Teal Swan and Craig Kenneth, especially his attachment style vids. I also can recommend his work books which are a few hundred bucks for all of them but very good, and you may not need them all.

[amaysngrace]

Good job on recognizing your shortcomings. It takes a lot of insight to see where self-acceptance and/or personal growth is needed.

 

Know

[Insoc]

LTR or Marriage doesn't = success 100% of the time, I'm coming out of one now and going through divorce, I'm 50 so older than you, but spent a good part of my 30's and 40's in this and while there was good times, there was bad too, like no intimacy or sex the last 5+ years of our relationship, we turned into roomies basically and had a very dysfunctional marriage.

 

So with that being said, being Single isn't all that bad, IF you are content with it. I am not and I'm looking using the dating sites to meet people I have had several dates but being "Currently Separated" it's not easy, I found some women to be only interested in casually dating, not looking to go exclusive, which is okay for me but I don't want to be doing that for the next 5 years and I'm not use to that type of dating, where you meet someone, you think there is chemistry and it may blossom, but they have an attitude like they want to keep testing the waters, which makes you feel like you are not good enough for them, so it's time to move on. Maybe impatience, because in-time you can win them over, but it takes a special person to be able to tolerate that, not all can.

 

If you feel "trapped" in relationships, then there is something deeper going on, when you feel true love with someone, you want to be with them everyday, you want to spend time with them. I think for me, my dating pool is older, many like myself are coming out of LTR/Marriages and are not so fast to jump into the "love" circle, it takes a long time not like when we were in our 20's. Also many are once bitten, twice shy, don't want to get hurt again.

 

Thing is dating can get you hurt or you can waste a lot of time + money easily. It's not for everyone, I know people who are Single and are content, lot's of people. Some have been married twice and flat out told me, never again. For me, I can't do that, so the quest continues, only you can find that in yourself.

[edgygirl]

Welcome to the club. I just had a psychological breakthrough and been reading about fear of intimacy - see below link. It's hard core stuff but I have a feeling I see this in you the same way I see it in myself. Up to two months ago, I'd think it's madness and would never admit that's my case. Specially because it's not conscious, it's an automatic uncontrollable emotional thing. But the more I read, the more I realized I probably had some kind of unconscious childhood trauma that causes this.

 

Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships

 

I've not been that happy in my relationships, after the initial stage of being smitten I feel trapped and scared to be with them forever.

[edgygirl]

Bingo. I have just realized a month ago I might have fearful avoidant attachment style after one more relationship that didn't work and I could not grasp WHY. I was flabbergasted as it was going so well.

 

What's most scary about attachment styles is that it's not conscious and it's damn hard to find out you have a problem. Only after several relationship breakups, one day you start seeing weird patterns that don't make sense and then research about it... and it suddenly all makes sense. Overwhelming but worth researching, as you might have it even if you're quite sure you don't.

 

This is where I would start. Can you see a therapist? Either way, investigate Avoidant attachment style, and the other styles and see if avoidant clicks. The quote is pretty indicative. If so, from there you can start looking into working on yourself and making yourself more secure.

[chillii]

lf it's any consolation it's very common for single women sating all kinds of stuff to their gf's.

Most guys know this and why we often won't like some single friend she's hangin out with but you see changes before your very eyes and you know the friend is in her ear.

So it wasn't just you but yep , don't let yourself become one of those friends.

lnstead just speak from the heart genuinely and be happy for them or not if you do see trouble,

lt's just good karma.

 

Date sites yeah , seems to be the way these days , crazy stuff.

And don't worry guys end up messin with women they normally wouldn't have the time of day for too..

There is some success though happy to say have heard some good stories and have one myself.

But l sure wasn't stickin round either just got very lucky and so if it's not your thing just dump it, because among all the shyt imo the odds are very very slim aNYWay . Better off with a life.

 

l think for anyone though the trick is still be happy still find ways and things you enjoy, don't let bitter take hope , makes ya miserable and that's really bad karma

After my marriage broke up l had two plans, one for single because l didn't think l love someone else and l was damned if l was gonna live miserable , and one for a partner .

Try that , what would make you happy either way,

Edited January 7, 2019 by chillii

[MissLucyG]

Thank you SO much everyone, these replies are seriously helpful, thank you for taking the time!!

 

@ThayGiaoGing; I have a very healthy social life and a wonderful group of friends, I go to the gym three times a week, so I'm afraid I feel it runs deeper than that! "Nobody deserves to end up being a bitter and toxic person that nobody else wanna involve with, nobody, especially you. Goodluck." - Thank you.

 

@D0nnivain; I agree with you SO much re the apps, I've been cheated on and treated like dirt by guys I've met on those, and find the whole experience painfully awkward, anxiety inducing and unenjoyable. I never feel like that if I meet someone “the old fashioned way”. Since becoming sober I've actually become more sociable... I've started volunteering, am going to sober mixers and life drawing classes etc, plus I meet new people in my job all the time. Unfortunately, it just hasn't led to meeting anyone single or interesting, but I do it because I enjoy it, not for that reason.

In relation to your friend who became bitter because she was SO focussed on finding a man, this is what I find odd about my situation. I'm the opposite. But societal pressure and the fact that it seems to happen effortlessly for friends makes me feel judged, like I'm failing every day. That's what leads to my resentment.

"Just because you don't agree with your friends' choices doesn't make those choices wrong for them. Even if they are wrong, the choice still belongs to them. I find that hard to remember sometimes but it remains true." AMEN. Will try to act upon this going forward.

 

@GinON; I already see a therapist re an age-old eating disorder that costs me a small fortune so not sure I can branch out to another, but am considering using Betterhelp for an affordable option. I've read up on Avoidant attachment style in the past but will do again today! Will also look up the Youtubers you mention this afternoon, thank you!

 

@InSoc; I definitely know marriage or LTRs aren’t a permanent or even always positive thing. Isn’t it 42% of marriages that end in divorce these days, and those are just the ones who actually take the bull by the horns and do it! This is part of why I’m so outrageously picky, I don’t want to set myself up for an unhappy relationship and would rather be single than in an unhappy one. But again, society tells us any relationship is better than lifelong singledom. So again, I feel judged. I’m at the point where I don’t even feel LTRs or marriage are remotely natural, that relationships are phases, like being single is considered a phase… that marriage is an outdated premise from yesteryear no longer relevant in 2019. That I’d like to feel a partner was with me because they chose to be, free to leave at any time, not because they are legally bound to me. But I can’t have these conversations with anyone because EVERYONE I know is coupled up or married, so it’s seen as an affront to their choices and they take offence.

 

I love my single life. I travel the world, I have a great job and an apartment that I love, I feel loved by my friends and family and feel no lack there. But the thought of dating fills me with anxiety. I have been in love when I was younger, but now it’s been so long that the idea of myself in a relationship feels ridiculous. I see friends unable to do the things they want to do because they have to compromise on everything, I don’t want to do that… but love is wonderful, it feels heavenly. The support of and intimacy with another person would be a delight. I’m worried I’ve become so stuck in my ways I can’t even see what’s good about relationships anymore, but I know when you’re in them, particularly in the early stages, there is nothing like that feeling. I’m definitely not a casual dater. I’m a one at a time person, have never cheated on anyone in my life.

The trapped element for me has always been that the idea of “forever” terrifies me. With ANYTHING. Telling me I’d have to have the same thing for breakfast everyday FOREVER would freak me out. But perhaps you’re right, if it’s the right person forever would be a dream, not a nightmare. I can safely say I don’t wish I’d stayed with any of my previous boyfriends forever and made the right decision in leaving. But I also know that we all change over time. The idea of two people wanting to be together forever just seems unrealistic to me.

I don’t complicate things much do I?

 

@edgygirl; Thank you, will read up on these now!

 

@Chillii; Just to clarify I have some friends in long term relationships and married to the most wonderful men, I sing their praises and would never badmouth them. I get more annoyed with women who are constantly dating one man after another, and think that any man is better than no man. I will always call out a douchebag to my friends when they are dating one.

 

I like the idea of two plans… sadly it feels like single is less effort so if I don’t hone in on exactly what I want I may just rest on my laurels and give up entirely! ?

[d0nnivain]

MissLucyG

 

Congratulations on the sobriety. Apply your serenity prayer to your dating life & it will help!

 

Best wishes.

[grays]

I am scared of getting bitter if this single life goes on too long. I was married for 25 years, so I know that’s different, but hard in it’s own right. Being part of a couple is my normal. It’s been 4 1/2 years since we split and I look around, like you, and see all my divorced friends in their next committed relationships and wonder what’s wrong with me.

 

I have dated a lot, not because I’d rather be with a lesser guy than no guy but because I like people and I’m mostly optimistic about them. I’m very social and I feel like it’s fun to get to know someone even if it’s clear in the first ten minutes that I wouldn’t want to be stuck with them forever.

 

Lately I’ve been thinking that I need to get out of the mindset of trying to find someone for a LTR. It feels more organic to take people as they come rather than audition them for a particular role in my life. So, for example, I have a guy friend who I met maybe 3 years ago. For a while we had some romantic/sexual tension and after I’d known him for a year and we had done lots of fun stuff together we had sex. It was terrible. lol So he’s definitely not that partner I was looking for, but he’s become a valued part of my life. We usually see each other at least once a week. We’ll have dinner, drink some wine, usually binge watch some tv show (we’ve logged some serious tv time — a lot of Grey’s Anatomy and all of Shameless!). We’re there for each other and my life is better with him in it.

 

I have met quite a few guys who were 93% what I want in that partner and I have quite a few of them in my life now (including one who might be significantly more than 93%, though I’m consciously trying not to push him into that position). I feel like if I’m open to who comes to me without forcing anything, I’m less likely to become bitter and disappointed than if I was constantly just looking for the one.

 

Of course I may be single and lonely and bitter in another five years and there are times that that idea worries me. Also times when I wish I had someone I could effortlessly lean on and cuddle up to. But most of the time I get what I need.

 

It’s hard to not know if it’s going to work out ok. I went through four years of fertility troubles that resulted in my insanely lovable nine-year-old. It was so painful, but if I had known all along that it was going to turn out well, those years would not have hurt. Makes me wish I was religious because it’s hard to have faith if you don’t believe there’s some man in the sky orchestrating your right life for you. It is the not knowing if I will have love again that’s hard. When I look at my here and now, it looks pretty good.

[Mysterio]

I have to not let bitterness get to me as well. I just don't know how to combat it. I don't lock every woman I date into my life. At this present time. A woman is going to have to b very giving and loving towards m and physically affectionate before I commit to anything major with her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Have you ever considered that maybe you actually do not want a relationship? Maybe deep down you prefer being single, unless of course you meet someone that will change your mind.

 

The problem is that society is pushing the idea of relationships, marriage and children so much that it's hard to distinguish "what you think you should want" and "what you do actually want". Everyone makes single women feel like a failure. To society, being in an unhappy relationship and being treating like dirt is preferable to being single. I have girlfriends my age who have been in relationships like that for many years and have been crying constantly but also adding "it beats being single". I have single girlfriends who are swallowed in desperation of finding and keeping "anybody". Their life revolves around dating apps and I have completely distanced myself from a few because all they talk about is "the biological clock" and dating.

 

About a year ago, I had the epiphany that if I didn't see that being in a relationship is considered "normal", I wouldn't even think or want to be in one. I still struggle with constantly feeling judged. It looks like 95% of people (male or female) are primarily being lead and driven by being in a relationship. It's hard to be "different". Looks like being LGBT is far more accepted than being single.

[chillii]

Thanks ml nice to hear , good for you.

Funny really truth be told l think most of us could have a bit of trouble feeling happy for some though tbh, some people do just seem to end up with triple their share in life, But eh the way l see it with triple their share they'll survive without my feel good anyway haha.

 

 

Good luck with everything.