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Late bloomer in the late twenties?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 10th November 2018, 6:53 AM   #1
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Late bloomer in the late twenties?

I used to think that it was okay to be single. It's been a long time since the last time i was in relationship and i'm enjoyed so far. For me it was hassle-free and no drama.

But the older i've got, them more pressure getting on my skin from my surrounding and my peers.

First of all, one by one, all of my best friends was getting married and i feel left out. I slowly lose someone to hang out with, which is a bummer.

The second is my boss and my coworker also keep pressuring me to find someone. It seems being single is still looks weird and unacceptable in the eyes of the world.

The last one is of course because of my parents. They didn't say it to my face, but i know they're worried about me, since almost all of my younger cousins already getting married.

Now the big problem is, It's not that easy to find someone with mutual interest. I do want to date a guy but it's just hard to find an open-minded guy who still single now a days. Mostly are already taken or waaay younger than me. lol.

I'm an introvert. I don't know how or where to find a guy who have a mutual interest with mine. It sounds lame, i know, but honestly, i really don't know how. I'm not good to strike up conversation with stranger. and no i don't like to go to Bar or club.

Have tried using Tinder but i don't find it useful.

All my friends and coworker think that i'm just being picky but i'm not (i think). And i look decent enough, not that bad looking and also look younger than my age. Yeah, this is the answer for you who would think i was an ugly hag. Haha

Anyway, do any of you have any suggestion or advice about this?
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Old 10th November 2018, 9:18 AM   #2
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So I think one of the keys to happiness, is that you should not base your sense of self worth only on what other people think about you - otherwise you will perpetually be catching up with the Joneses. You also shouldn't let your parents make you feel that way. It's the same reason why depression is sharply on the rise amongst those who browse lots of Instagram profiles. When you see lots of Instagram profiles, you get the perception that everybody else's life is better than yours which is false - but Instagram is so addictive that you can't help it.

That being said there is always a social club somewhere, that you can find guys to bond with. I am an introverted person myself - and I have a few odd hobbies. Go to meetup.com - browse clubs near you. See if you can't find any social clubs that suit your fancy? Put some sustained effort on this, but don't let other girls dictate your happiness. Other people can only make you unhappy if you give your permission.
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Old 10th November 2018, 12:50 PM   #3
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If everyone is so concerned then they can introduce you to other single men they know. It was kinda how I met my husband...through mutual friends.
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Old 10th November 2018, 1:00 PM   #4
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Everything in life is temporary. Romantic relatinships, friendships, heck even family. People come and go. That's life.

If you are happy with your life, just tell 'em to stop bugging you. Maybe it's time to look for new friends who have more in common with you.
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Old 10th November 2018, 4:18 PM   #5
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Mainly, go where people are doing good things. I also don't do the bar/club thing, and I generally don't drink.

What I have done is - volunteer with Habitat for Humanity for a few hours at a time when I had the time available - not with the intention of meeting someone, but I always met cool, generous people. I was always dating at the time, but often there was an eligible woman or two also volunteering, whom I could have chatted up. I was in our Rotary Club for a couple years (a service club), and met several positive and generous people there. I volunteered to be trained and teach parenting classes (though I don't have children) with our local social services, and several of the other teachers I met are women I may have chatted up if I weren't already dating.

Also - I practiced twice, and then marched in our community band for a little parade. Met some people there. Took a couple cooking classes. Took a couple little art workshops. Went to yoga classes regularly for a time. Started a French conversation group that meets weekly in my little town. Went to free and cheap community dance lessons here and there. Got hired to help at an outdoor concert.

Other things like that over the past 4 or 5 years. I didn't do them for the purpose of meeting people, or a girlfriend, but looking back I would suppose at least every third time, I met women who were cute and interested in something I was interested in; that would have been a good opening to get to know them if I were single at the time - in a low-pressure, positive atmosphere.

Best Wishes,
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Old 10th November 2018, 5:08 PM   #6
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My advice is keep yourself active E.G Join a GYM/club etc

Maybe try speed dating that might work

Don't be someone your not just be yourself
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Old 10th November 2018, 5:25 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by BlueKafka View Post
I used to think that it was okay to be single.
It is.

Don't cave in to outside pressure.

Date if you want to! Not because you feel like you should because other people tell you to, or you want to fit in. Is it not weird that your colleagues are meddling this way?

If you want to go on dates for fun, to find love, to have some company.. Whatever reason, as long as it is about you (and your date, of course) and what you want. Otherwise it's not fair on those you're dating. Dating when your heart is not in it is very difficult.
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Old 11th November 2018, 12:53 AM   #8
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I had some rules for myself, don't get married till 25, no kids after 42. I got married at 30, last kid at 42...This way I don't have teenagers at home in my 60s. I dont expect anyone to follow my lead or care if they didnt like my rules.

My rules, my way, your rules, your way.

You are here so you are my peer. I am pressuring you to be yourself and not let your acquaintances and parents tell you what to do or think. Are you more confused now?

Do not give other people power over your own life decisions, you are the only person that gets to decide how you live your life.

Di you go to college? Maybe you would benefit from going to school about of town so you can get some space from the village meddlers?
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Old 11th November 2018, 2:22 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by BlueKafka View Post
and i feel left out. I slowly lose someone to hang out with, which is a bummer.<SNIP>
I think you need to decide if you want a relationship or not--in a low pressure way. Bolded above, i think is the real problem. Right now you feel left out and like you are not doing what is expected of you and wonder (much like those who are putting pressure on you) if you are doing the "right" thing by being single. I just think you are not maximizing your social life--whether that be with friends, activities, dating. Thus you are letting it drop off and not attending to it to make it the best it can be...FOR YOU. If you explore how you could have a better social life, i think the fuller life (and a bit down the road a boyfriend) will fall into place. Right now you are letting life happen TO you rather than creating the life you want. That is bound to cause you to doubt yourself and your choices. If you make clear choices about how you choose to spend your free time and ones that come from within yourself, the answer about whether a boyfriend fits into your life now & which guy it should be, will come much clearer. Also you will probably pick a better choice guy for you because you will have a better understanding of who you are, what your interests are, etc.

When you make a definitive choice about SOMETHING, it tends to guide you in all areas of your life. If you just float through life or let it happen to you, it's easy to become lost and unsure of all things. If I were in your shoes, I would decide to add some single friends to your life (if all of your current friends have bf's it's normal to want some that are sharing your current life experience and have time in the way you do); choose or explore finding some activities that you are really passionate about and make friends through that activity; work on yourself (self-exploration, so you grow and make sure you are not being passive about your life). All of these things should lead you toward a LIFE you want (and the guy that fits into it at the time that works for you). If you want a bf now by your choice, take active steps to find the right one. Good luck
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Old 11th November 2018, 2:43 PM   #10
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Trust me, a few years after some of these marriages, the partners will come up to you and think, "take your time. Pick well."

Here's the general rule: only get married when you are ready to get married and only marry a person you think is extraordinary.

Quick share: I'm single and I was having lunch with a coworker of mine who is married. And this coworker reported that three married folks she knows (all who seem quite happily married) had shared with her that they are feeling isolated. Two of these three people (I know all three) have kids.

Moral of the story: marriage doesn't necessarily solve loneliness or isolation.

So there is no rule that says you have to get married in your late 20s. It takes some effort, but you really want to build your life now to be as good as you can make it. The better you can create your life now ... the better, in my view, your married life can be later.

Rely on the fantasy of marriage solving our life problems and making us happy, and you're in for a world of disappointment. Create your fantasy life now ... and that will take some thinking and some experimenting. Definitely get involved in activities that really interest you. Such involvement by the way is highly attractive to potential dating partners ... and such involvement gives you confidence ... and takes away desperation that leads to "settling."

Think about the activities you want to do more of ... and start doing them. And of course, you will meet people (without even trying) by pursuing your own interests.
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Old 11th November 2018, 7:33 PM   #11
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As someone who has the same issue of late, don't put too much stock into it otherwise it will depress you! It will seem much worse than it really is if you dwell on it.



I can't say I'm completely introverted but your best bet is to try and allocate some time where you are actively socializing in some form as that seems to have worked for me. Whether that's joining some type club or meeting people who share the same hobbies. I've had a number of dates over the last few years that, while not going anywhere, were the result of me actually putting myself out there. The best solution I can give in terms of dating and relationships is just being visible - and additionally having a life you're already relatively content with (happy is a fleeting state IMO) will help.


Don't give up on OLD either, you might be surprised.
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Old 12th November 2018, 1:59 AM   #12
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Thank you all for giving me a great advise. I really appreciate it.

After reading all of your comments, especially from @Versacehottie i think it hit right on the spot. Haha.. Now, Iím certain that this problem happens because of me.

Iím aware that i never push myself too hard to be Ďvisibleí in any kind social activities simply because iím lack of interest or lack of energy. Thatís why, maybe, iíve wasted a lot of times or opportunities that i have, in the past or even now, but iím fine with it or am i not?

I noticed by being single iím staying in my comfort zone.
I think my friends and my family are aware of it so they just worried about me. They didnít mean to push me, they just simply want to help me in their own way.

I knew that by being single i wonít get hurts or hurts others. I donít know why iím always scared ****less without a reason to be in relationship with someone. To think to have a committed relationship makes me want to runaway. Itís not that i have trauma or anything like that. But honestly, iím too scared to get rejected by the person i like, maybe thatís one of the many reason.

Thatís why i need to change. I want to change. Itís not because of the pressure, but i want to do it for myself.

I want to be in relationship with someone. I want to have someone who cares for me as i cares for him until our old days. Iím so cheesy arenít i? haha. But to be honest, i never fall in love before. I do have a crush with my ex, but thatís all. I wonder how does it feels to be fall in love with someone?

Well, wish me luck guys. I donít know how, but iíll try to do something about it, slowly. Baby steps is better than nothing right?

Do you guys think by being active in this forum is also one of the way to be active in a community? I think i prefer to be active online compare to being active in IRL.

Thanks again! i hope all of you have a great day.
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Old 12th November 2018, 2:34 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueKafka View Post
Thank you all for giving me a great advise. I really appreciate it.

After reading all of your comments, especially from @Versacehottie i think it hit right on the spot. Haha.. Now, I’m certain that this problem happens because of me.

I’m aware that i never push myself too hard to be ‘visible’ in any kind social activities simply because i’m lack of interest or lack of energy. That’s why, maybe, i’ve wasted a lot of times or opportunities that i have, in the past or even now, but i’m fine with it or am i not?

I noticed by being single i’m staying in my comfort zone.
I think my friends and my family are aware of it so they just worried about me. They didn’t mean to push me, they just simply want to help me in their own way.

I knew that by being single i won’t get hurts or hurts others. I don’t know why i’m always scared ****less without a reason to be in relationship with someone. To think to have a committed relationship makes me want to runaway. It’s not that i have trauma or anything like that. But honestly, i’m too scared to get rejected by the person i like, maybe that’s one of the many reason.

That’s why i need to change. I want to change. It’s not because of the pressure, but i want to do it for myself.

I want to be in relationship with someone. I want to have someone who cares for me as i cares for him until our old days. I’m so cheesy aren’t i? haha. But to be honest, i never fall in love before. I do have a crush with my ex, but that’s all. I wonder how does it feels to be fall in love with someone?

Well, wish me luck guys. I don’t know how, but i’ll try to do something about it, slowly. Baby steps is better than nothing right?

Do you guys think by being active in this forum is also one of the way to be active in a community? I think i prefer to be active online compare to being active in IRL.

Thanks again! i hope all of you have a great day.
Thank you! Lots of good advice from everyone I think you might just be a late bloomer and overly protective of yourself (from getting hurt). The thing is that you will probably become unhappy or not satisfied from trying to "protect" yourself from getting hurt as well. Like regret or anger at yourself from staying in a comfort zone. There is probably a bit of that going on right now. Baby steps is a good way to start. That's how you get out of your comfort zone. Just a little push.

I think this community can be helpful so that if you have little dating experience, you can learn from other's experiences without actually having that experience yourself. Like if online dating is hard for you and discouraging, you might see that it is for others (almost across the board 100%). You also might see that people come here when they have an issue or there are some set biases/generalizations that you have to be aware of so it doesn't affect your progress and journey. There are lots of kind people here that can help you along the way if fear hold you back or to open your mind to possibilities/other ways of approaching things. Maybe a good way is to continue this thread as you make your little steps and for encouragement? That said, if your default is to have your social interactions online rather than in real life, i.e. including with this community, i would say you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone some more to have real life experiences. While it's helpful, it's not a substitute--plus your goal eventually is to have real life friends, activities and a boyfriend, not to get deeper into some virtual world

ok keep posting and good luck
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Old 12th November 2018, 3:32 PM   #14
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No, I do not think that being active on is forum is as good as being socially active in real life. Nobody on this forum is going to take you out on a date on Friday night...

Having been in your shoes, I will tell you what I have learned. There is nothing wrong with being single. Life doesn't change all that much when you are in a relationship with someone - if you are happy being single, you will be happy in a relationship and vice versa.

However, it can be very difficult to watch your friends get married and have children if you are not experiencing the same life stage.

That said, the fact that you are watching your friends get married and have children is not reason enough to settle for the first guy that you meet. You want to take your time and be sure that you find the right person.

I waited, longer than most, and I have found the love of my life. My friends, some of whom who were married young are now struggling with husbands who work too much or travel often for work, kids who are over scheduled, relationships that have gone stale, and a few are either very unhappy or divorced. Just because they marry young does not mean that they will have a happy or long life together.

Everyone walks their own path in life. Your life will evolve, the way it is meant to evolve - for you. Things may not happen the same way as your friends or on the same timeline, but that does not mean that many wonderful things will not happen for you and/or that you will not have a happy life.

As for the comments made by others - some people are very nosy and they like to share their unsolicited advice. Those who truly love you, they want the best for you. One day, I told my mom that I was sad and worried that she was disappointed in me because I was not sure that I would not meet someone and/or give her grandchildren. She told me, "My life was complete when I had you. I wanted you, and I have been so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the wonderful person that you are today. I want for nothing more than to see you be happy." I thought it was the most lovely thing she could ever say, and I share it with you so that you know - this is what your parents probably want for you. Live your life, be adventurous, take risks, do what makes you happy... and you will make your parents proud. Good luck!
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