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How many guys here literally have NO dating options?


EthanBlack

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A lot of the advice thrown around here assumes of scenarios where the guy has options, as if he has a ton of female acquaintances that he sees regularly in real life and has the potential to grow something out of.

 

But how many guys on here literally have no dating options?

 

Let me explain my situation:

 

- Workplace: I work in a highly specialized field that is predominantly male. It pays well and I like what I do but I'm never gonna meet a young lady who is also single and also works in my area.

 

- Online Dating/Tinder: I am a 5'5 Asian guy. I've tried online dating for years. No success. I've even had my profile and pics proof-read by my friends' girlfriends and they all said my profile was great. But the fact that I'm short and I'm Asian is enough for most girls to not ever give it a chance.

 

- Bars/Clubs: I never had success in this scene when I was younger and my guy friends and I would go out and look for girls in these contexts. I found it was always the same type of guys who had success. Tall, white guy, beard, lumberjack hipster look.

 

- Salsa Dancing: I've gone to social dancing and danced with some pretty attractive girls but I never meet the same women more than once or twice. It seems awkward to just ask for her number after meeting and dancing with a stranger I find attractive.

 

- Playing in a band: I play in a rock band for fun. We do shows maybe once every two months at pubs where we play to a very, very small audience. Like literally sometimes to 12 people at most. And few of them tend to be young women whom maybe I can get to know. And they usually leave before the show is done. Yah maybe we're not that good yet.

 

- Coffee Shops/Parks/Grocery Stores: In these environments, I never know if a woman wants to be approached. I don't want to be seen as that desperate guy who can't get a date and so needs to hit on random women at coffee shops. It's just not me.

 

And that's it. That's pretty much my life. There are logical reasons why I am single and have no options. I don't think it's lack of effort on my part. I'm already doing things with my life that a lot of other guys aren't.

 

Some guys just go to work, go home, eat, maybe go to gym and repeat repeat but they have girlfriends. So I'm tired of being blamed by people for not putting in effort when I've already got a ton of stuff going for me. People keep telling me that on paper, I've got a pretty good life.

 

I also acknowledge that I have a ton of good things in my life and that I'm lucky in ways that a lot of guys are not. But when it comes to meeting women organically over a period of time, I have it really really tough in my situation.

 

How many of you guys feel stuck in the same way and you're sick of people keep telling you that you're not trying "hard" enough?

 

The worst part of all this is that once in a blue moon, when I do meet a prospective woman, because of this lack of options, I build up expectations in my head and subconsciously pin all my hopes on her and it usually always ends in disappointment.

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Sounds familiar to me but if I can give you some advice, throw this away, don't walk around feeling you aren't trying, recognise what makes you feel good and what doesn't.

 

 

Disappointment is never a good thing and when dating starts to effect other aspects of life you need to ask if its really worth it.

 

 

As soon as you do things others don't you fall out of step and dating is seemingly about conforming to one set norm.

 

 

You can make yourself happy, for me when I sit behind the wheel of something exotic from Italy I feel more thrilled than any date, I smile more than spending time with any person.

 

 

Life is what you make of it and I'd rather have a few amazing experiences than resign myself to mundane ones..

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outwithpeterpan

They're out there.

 

Of the first 25 or so straight male acquaintances that come to mind, I can think of 2 of who struggle deeply with the opposite sex. One, I don't feel comfortable talking about him because we're not that close. The other is part of my childhood friend circle. There's 6 of us total, he and I are the single ones. He's a brilliant guy, Silicon valley type. He's also got a heart of gold. Genuinely wants to help everyone, does a lot for his church, and puts others first to a fault.

 

His main issues:

-Very overweight

-Extremely shy

-Crippling social anxiety

 

He's actually an extrovert, which combined with the shyness issue is really hard on him. When we were in high school, there was a girl who had a crush on him and he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. He's also got some minor stuff to work through, of the sort that everyone learns with experience. He's not assertive enough in general. Too much of a people pleaser. He also lacks social awareness. Doesn't read people's motivations well. And he's got some unintentional judgy attitudes. Nothing that a lot of people don't have early in their lives though.

 

Part of the problem is the rest of the crew is on the east coast and he's on the west coast. So its hard to help as much as we all want to. When we're together we have heart-to-hearts and go out together and "wingman" for him, but it only happens a few times a year. The only part of it he can really help himself with is the weight part. One thing I've told him is to stop ogling super girly girls. He's a traditional guy, and he likes traditional girls. But the traditional girls have traditional gender role expectations. What he really needs, is a girl who will come get him. The girl in high school who had a crush on him was like that. Soccer player, could look pretty in a dress... but she wasn't "girly" in nature.

 

I know there's got to be a girl out there for him. He's a man's man, in an Atticus Finch kinda way. Teddy bear who rides motorcycles and fixes everything. He can even dance. But he's never kissed a girl. I don't think he'll be alone forever. He's got too much going for him. Just wish I could do more to help from 3,000 miles away.

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I am a 5'5 Asian guy.

 

stop trying to date white women. very few of them will be attracted to a short Asian guy. you'll have better luck with Asian women.

 

remember, birds of a feather flock together

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Sounds familiar to me but if I can give you some advice, throw this away, don't walk around feeling you aren't trying, recognise what makes you feel good and what doesn't.

 

What makes me feel good? Isolation from social media. Keeping in touch with a few close friends. Exercising, ballroom dancing, playing guitar, reading and having a drink now and then.

 

 

You can make yourself happy, for me when I sit behind the wheel of something exotic from Italy I feel more thrilled than any date, I smile more than spending time with any person.

 

My life is actually quite amazing. I'm so fortunate in so many other ways. But I've had completely **** luck when it comes to dating and relationships.

 

Life is what you make of it and I'd rather have a few amazing experiences than resign myself to mundane ones..

 

I plan to kill myself when I'm 55.

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stop trying to date white women. very few of them will be attracted to a short Asian guy. you'll have better luck with Asian women.

 

remember, birds of a feather flock together

 

What world do you live in? I used to be attracted to Asian women until they kept telling me they only date white guys. Where did you get the idea that Asian women like Asian men? They seem to be all be dating white guys. Unless you're talking about Fob Asian women in which I have really nothing in common with cause I'm banana.

 

Most of my most disappointing dating experiences have been with Asian women. My best dating experiences have always been with white girls. There are a lot of white girls who would date Asian guys but you have to meet them organically in face to face situations rather than online.

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stop trying to date white women. very few of them will be attracted to a short Asian guy. you'll have better luck with Asian women.

 

remember, birds of a feather flock together

 

Agreed. I’ve seen many mixed couples but very few with white women and Asian men. I seem to only get serious with Asian women (I’m white) and even that limits me despite several of them wanting to only date white guys.

 

Still, the majority of Asian woman I’ve seen are only with Asian guys.

 

I would recommend attending Asian clubs/meet ups.

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Agreed. I’ve seen many mixed couples but very few with white women and Asian men. I seem to only get serious with Asian women (I’m white) and even that limits me despite several of them wanting to only date white guys.

 

Still, the majority of Asian woman I’ve seen are only with Asian guys.

 

I would recommend attending Asian clubs/meet ups.

 

The Asian girls you see with Asian guys are usually recent arrivals/immigrants/students from Asian countries.

 

I was born in Canada. I'm westernized. Asian girls similar to my background all date white guys and get offended if they get asked out by Asian guys.

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That's a nice writeup ethan. Easy to understand and a good summary of your situ as you understand it.

 

If I am reading your post correctly, you have made almost no effort to approach women. Is that correct? It seems like you are concerned, or fearful about rejection.

 

Well, you can't ever score if you never take a shot. It is up to you to make the first move. That's the case for most everyone.

 

Here are some suggestions:

1. make a calendar of social events in your area. Mark out several events a week you think would be fun, and also would likely draw attractive women.

 

2. Go to all of these events. Bring a friend, such as a bandmate or even a work colleague who you think might be ok outside of work. Or any other friend. If that's not possible, go alone.

 

3. Make a point to chat with at least two new people per hour, one male, one female.

 

4. Try to get one contact per social event.

 

 

5. after a few weeks of this, try for one contact from a female per event.

 

6. after a few more weeks, try for one contact from an attractive female per event.

 

7. work your way up to one phone number from an attractive female per event.

 

Be sure to text, call, or msg these women within two days, max. Preferably same day or next.

 

I'll tell you what. I bet most of those guys you see with women you like probably made the first move. If you haven't made the first move yet, you have no reason to complain about anything: race, height, anything.

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The Asian girls you see with Asian guys are usually recent arrivals/immigrants/students from Asian countries.

 

I was born in Canada. I'm westernized. Asian girls similar to my background all date white guys and get offended if they get asked out by Asian guys.

 

I agree with that as I have noticed the same. There is a severe lack of westernized single Asian woman in my age bracket as well.

 

I think being a short westernized Asian guy is one of the toughest packages to sell as I’ve dated many an Asian woman who would not date Asian men.

 

However, you HAVE to approach and build up your confidence (and physique) in order to be attractive to most women. What you are doing is not working so you have to step out of your comfort zone.

 

There are women out there who will date an Asian guy or you would be extinct. It’s just a matter of getting through the no’s to get to the yeses. Don’t think just because I’m a tall white guy I don’t get rejected. Rejection is part of being a guy.

 

I’m a very introverted person and don’t enjoy talking to strangers. But I have to put that to the side if I want to pull chicks so I do. It’s not really me, but you’d be surprised at what you can accomplish when you step out of your comfort zone.

 

I met my now (Asian) gf at work. I talk to people I work with but not really anyone else. I said one word to the guy who sits next to me in a year.

 

When she started, her ass didn’t even hit the seat before I stood up and introduced myself. She thought I was a super extrovert. I am not. Not even a little bit.

 

You can’t change your height or race, but you can change your behavior. If you don’t want to, I get it. But don’t expect to get a gf.

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I agree with that as I have noticed the same. There is a severe lack of westernized single Asian woman in my age bracket as well.

 

I think being a short westernized Asian guy is one of the toughest packages to sell as I’ve dated many an Asian woman who would not date Asian men.

 

However, you HAVE to approach and build up your confidence (and physique) in order to be attractive to most women. What you are doing is not working so you have to step out of your comfort zone.

 

There are women out there who will date an Asian guy or you would be extinct. It’s just a matter of getting through the no’s to get to the yeses. Don’t think just because I’m a tall white guy I don’t get rejected. Rejection is part of being a guy.

 

I’m a very introverted person and don’t enjoy talking to strangers. But I have to put that to the side if I want to pull chicks so I do. It’s not really me, but you’d be surprised at what you can accomplish when you step out of your comfort zone.

 

I met my now (Asian) gf at work. I talk to people I work with but not really anyone else. I said one word to the guy who sits next to me in a year.

 

When she started, her ass didn’t even hit the seat before I stood up and introduced myself. She thought I was a super extrovert. I am not. Not even a little bit.

 

You can’t change your height or race, but you can change your behavior. If you don’t want to, I get it. But don’t expect to get a gf.

 

Yah but getting an Asian girl is easy if you're a tall white guy. Even if you're introverted and shy. In fact, a lot of Asian girls probably prefer if you were shy/introverted as they don't like men who are too macho and overbearing. Believe me, I know how Asians think. They'd never admit it but a lot of them see dating white guy as the ultimate achievement and status symbol because it's about fitting into western society and making "progress." Also, many think half-Asian/half-white kids are super cute.

 

I've talked to girls before and taken initiative. I got rejected. And I simply got sick and tired of doing it. Especially after seeing how other guys (such as yourself) have it so easy. Why do I (a successful, good, responsible guy) have to take this humiliation when other guys who are pretty much deadbeat guys get it so easy?

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I agree with that as I have noticed the same. There is a severe lack of westernized single Asian woman in my age bracket as well.

 

I think being a short westernized Asian guy is one of the toughest packages to sell as I’ve dated many an Asian woman who would not date Asian men.

 

However, you HAVE to approach and build up your confidence (and physique) in order to be attractive to most women. What you are doing is not working so you have to step out of your comfort zone.

 

There are women out there who will date an Asian guy or you would be extinct. It’s just a matter of getting through the no’s to get to the yeses. Don’t think just because I’m a tall white guy I don’t get rejected. Rejection is part of being a guy.

 

I’m a very introverted person and don’t enjoy talking to strangers. But I have to put that to the side if I want to pull chicks so I do. It’s not really me, but you’d be surprised at what you can accomplish when you step out of your comfort zone.

 

I met my now (Asian) gf at work. I talk to people I work with but not really anyone else. I said one word to the guy who sits next to me in a year.

 

When she started, her ass didn’t even hit the seat before I stood up and introduced myself. She thought I was a super extrovert. I am not. Not even a little bit.

 

You can’t change your height or race, but you can change your behavior. If you don’t want to, I get it. But don’t expect to get a gf.

 

 

Does that even matter for this guy? Asian women are what, 5% of the female population in the US, at most. Less than that if you count the huge illegal mexican population.

 

Hypothetically, let's say he has zero chance with every asian woman he meets. So what? He's still left with 96% of the female population remaining.

 

Narrow it down further. What city is he in? A big city of 500,000? That's 250,000 females, maybe 60,000 of prime dating age. Double that if it's a city full of young singles.

 

Add to that the thousands of tourists passing through. Add to that the thousands of women turning over as they move into the city every year.

 

In effect, the possibilities are limitless.

 

OP has admitted he never approaches women. Replying to him at all is just going to enable his procrastinating. The only thing that will help is shaming him into approaching women.

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I think some Asian women stay away from Asian guys not because of their ethnic background per se. But they just don’t like the stereotypical traits that exist among many Asian guys, even those who were born and raised in the US. You also don’t want to come across as trying too hard (to fit in the mainstream culture). It’s a delicate balance.

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Yah but getting an Asian girl is easy if you're a tall white guy. Even if you're introverted and shy. In fact, a lot of Asian girls probably prefer if you were shy/introverted as they don't like men who are too macho and overbearing. Believe me, I know how Asians think. They'd never admit it but a lot of them see dating white guy as the ultimate achievement and status symbol because it's about fitting into western society and making "progress." Also, many think half-Asian/half-white kids are super cute.

 

I've talked to girls before and taken initiative. I got rejected. And I simply got sick and tired of doing it. Especially after seeing how other guys (such as yourself) have it so easy. Why do I (a successful, good, responsible guy) have to take this humiliation when other guys who are pretty much deadbeat guys get it so easy?

 

I would not call it “easy”. Woman, like my gf, have it easy. She would get thousands of messages when on OLD and gets approached frequently. To get the same results as a guy, you have to look like a super model (which I am not).

 

I’ve been shot down by more chicks than I’ve gotten (and I’ve gotten my fair share and then some). There were two other Asian women at work who had zero interest in me. But it didn’t stop me and you can’t let it stop you.

 

Online, I had about a 2-3% success rate. That means for every woman I swiped right on or messsaged, I would have sex with 2-3 of them. A guy who looks like a model would do MUCH better than me. I’m good looking (so I’ve been told) but not a super model. Do I wish I was? Yep. But I deal with the hand I was dealt and it’s worked out thus far.

 

Listen, I don’t pretend to know how much more difficult it is for you (just like women can’t comprehend how hard it is for guys in general), but I’ve seen plenty of Asian guys with chicks and you can have one too.

 

Also, being a successful, responsible guy doesn’t get you as far as you think because that’s not what gets women wet. You have to stand out, be funny, edgy, whatever. Women like that I make a good salary, have a house, and no criminal record, but that doesn’t get you dates.

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I would not call it “easy”. Woman, like my gf, have it easy. She would get thousands of messages when on OLD and gets approached frequently. To get the same results as a guy, you have to look like a super model (which I am not).

 

I’ve been shot down by more chicks than I’ve gotten (and I’ve gotten my fair share and then some). There were two other Asian women at work who had zero interest in me. But it didn’t stop me and you can’t let it stop you.

 

Online, I had about a 2-3% success rate. That means for every woman I swiped right on or messsaged, I would have sex with 2-3 of them. A guy who looks like a model would do MUCH better than me. I’m good looking (so I’ve been told) but not a super model. Do I wish I was? Yep. But I deal with the hand I was dealt and it’s worked out thus far.

 

Listen, I don’t pretend to know how much more difficult it is for you (just like women can’t comprehend how hard it is for guys in general), but I’ve seen plenty of Asian guys with chicks and you can have one too.

 

Also, being a successful, responsible guy doesn’t get you as far as you think because that’s not what gets women wet. You have to stand out, be funny, edgy, whatever. Women like that I make a good salary, have a house, and no criminal record, but that doesn’t get you dates.

 

Are those Asian guys FOBs or are they westernized Asians who grew up in US/Canada/UK/Australia/New Zealand?

 

It's kinda nice how you as a white guy know how white-worshipping Asian women can be. A lot of white guys I've talked to who are dating or have dated Asian women in the past are oblivious to Asian women's preferences and aren't aware of how self-hating Asian women can be. Cause it's not politically correct.

 

I grew up in all-white suburban community and I didn't make my first Asian friends until College. After that, I wanted to explore more of the Asian community and make Asian friends and date Asian girls but I found I didn't fit in. I fit in more culturally with whites. And I've noticed in recent years, white girls are more open towards dating Asian guys. Maybe it's kpop? Or maybe the world is just smaller now cause of the internet. I just know that things are changing for the better for Asian guys.

 

But it still hurt me for all the experiences I had with Asian women. To the point that I have NO interest at all in the Asian community anymore. I want to melt into the Canadian community. Find a white girl and have half-breed kids and just blend into the Canadian cultural mosaic.

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your problem, OP, is that white men love Asian girl and Asian girl love white men. Whereas Asian men love white girl but white girl no love Asian man...

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your problem, OP, is that white men love Asian girl and Asian girl love white men. Whereas Asian men love white girl but white girl no love Asian man...

 

Asian girl don't love Asian men either.....unless they're actually from those countries

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My ex was a westernized Asian Male and I was extremely attracted to him. He was so handsome. I am not Asian (or White) but my point stands. And actually, funny thing is asian men are more my "type" but many would rather date white women or Asian women. Such is my luck, but whatever~

 

Anyways...

 

There are non-asian girls will date asian men. Tho admittedly it is harder for some of those Asian men. Like my ex was taller man, worked out, smart, and very charismatic, so he had that going for him.

 

Why don't you try dating women that aren't White? Other non-Asian women exist too you know. Maybe you will have a better shot.

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thefooloftheyear

I've tried to give you advice, but you seem too hard headed to listen..

 

I get what you are saying...Unlike some others I do believe your struggles are real...

 

I think the main problem for your future with white women is mostly about just size...The average American white woman is now tipping the scales at 170#...I'd imagine that those numbers for Canadian white women aren't far off that...

 

 

I think most women just don't want a smaller guy..I really cant blame them...And you would be smaller than most women, here anyway...Probably much smaller.......Its not that common anymore to find a typical 110# white woman.. Its really not that much about height, either...Mexican/Central American guys like white women, too....But you don't see too many pairings there either for the same reasons...

 

Now...that's not to say its not possible....Its just that you are now limiting your available pool...And if you don't have a lot of the intangibles..(no, intangibles aren't a good job and ballroom dancing capability:rolleyes:), its even harder...

 

 

If there is one hope I can give you that is an absolute take it to the bank, lock...If you continue to struggle you will eventually reach the point. where if you manage to stay reasonably fit and groomed, the tables turn in your favor....Guys then have the clear upper hand, even ones that have struggled.....You will have to weed out between the divorcees, single moms, and lonely types that were too picky when they were younger and now the ship left the port on them, types....But you wont have any trouble finding willing women....Most guys have a field day at that point, as most of the other guys are either staying in lousy marriages, or are so beaten down from the divorce process or their test levels are in the crapper and their dick wont work anyway, that want no part of women anymore.....

 

.02

 

 

TFY

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I am afraid the word “charismatic” is the key. Unfortunately, the stereotypical Asian traits can be very far from this word. I already see a couple of such traits from this thread and OP’s companion thread.

 

My ex was a westernized Asian Male and I was extremely attracted to him. He was so handsome. I am not Asian (or White) but my point stands. And actually, funny thing is asian men are more my "type" but many would rather date white women or Asian women. Such is my luck, but whatever~

 

Anyways...

 

There are non-asian girls will date asian men. Tho admittedly it is harder for some of those Asian men. Like my ex was taller man, worked out, smart, and very charismatic, so he had that going for him.

 

Why don't you try dating women that aren't White? Other non-Asian women exist too you know. Maybe you will have a better shot.

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If there is one hope I can give you that is an absolute take it to the bank, lock...If you continue to struggle you will eventually reach the point. where if you manage to stay reasonably fit and groomed, the tables turn in your favor....Guys then have the clear upper hand, even ones that have struggled.....You will have to weed out between the divorcees, single moms, and lonely types that were too picky when they were younger and now the ship left the port on them, types....But you wont have any trouble finding willing women....Most guys have a field day at that point, as most of the other guys are either staying in lousy marriages, or are so beaten down from the divorce process or their test levels are in the crapper and their dick wont work anyway, that want no part of women anymore.....

.02

TFY

OK, but he is only ~35, so he will probably have to wait for 20 years for that to kick in, if it ever does and who is to say his d*ck will work any better than any other older man then anyway?

 

He has to strike while the iron is hot. Not waste one second longer.

He can organise a career and his finances, so he can surely organise finding a suitable woman.

A matchmaker may be needed here.

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What makes me feel good? Isolation from social media. Keeping in touch with a few close friends. Exercising, ballroom dancing, playing guitar, reading and having a drink now and then.

 

 

And how are you going to get yourself a girlfriend when you don't like to socialize? With anyone other than a few close friends?

 

 

I plan to kill myself when I'm 55.

How about visiting a psychologist instead?

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Asian girl don't love Asian men either.....unless they're actually from those countries

 

 

Women are attracted to men from their own race. How do you think there are people from other races other than the white people if women only felt sexual attraction for tall, handsome, fit white guys?

 

 

I've already talked to you about tiny, short asian men who are very popular with millions of attractive young Asian women. Why this insistence that being born to be an Asian man, or to be born short is a death sentence to his romantic life?

 

 

What women don't like - and that includes the majority of women who are part of every race and religion and culture on this earth - are guys whose self-esteem is so low that they could use it to reach the center of the earth.

 

 

They don't like men whose self-loathing is so high, they use it to sling the space shuttle into orbit. Your problem is not your race. Your problem is not your short stature. Your problem is not a fantasy of Asian women only wanting white men, and wanting only the white men who look like Brad Pitt.

 

 

Your problem is that you are anti-social, hate talking to people, and you're expecting a young lady to land on your lap and to marry you because you feel you deserve it because you make a lot of money.

 

 

Jesus, man. Just talk to professionals and they can find you a wife to marry, if you don't want to put yourself out there to find a girlfriend or a wife.

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Why don't you try dating women that aren't White? Other non-Asian women exist too you know. Maybe you will have a better shot.

 

Good point.

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