Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

[mnml]

I am almost 41, male, living in LA. I am not sure if I will ever feel "normal" again. My ex decided to leave me a year go. But I think she wanted out before. I completely understand her and gave her the freedom to do so. We were together for 6 years. Half of those years were very tough because of things that happened to me professionally and with my parents.

 

Life broke me and I could not nurture my relationship. I was stuck in fear and I lost her. She was my everything and still is. We haver a very normal relationship now. She comes by to see the dog and she is a very decent person. I tried asking her out a few times or more, but either she is still hurt or simply feels nothing for me. The pain, a year later, is just as bad as it was in the beginning. May be worse. I don't know what to do with it and I wake up each and every night in panic and sometimes in tears because she was my life and I did so much for her, for us, to be together... and then I f'ed up. I can't change the past, but I can't forgive myself either. I've accepted everything, but I can't let go.

 

And my fear right now is overwhelming me. The fear of ending up alone. I feel NOTHING for anyone I see. I am not attracted to anyone. I have no trust for women and since I live in LA, most women here don't see me as good "marriage material". I am a good looking guy and while I was married, I was overweight. I am getting back in shape now and feel great physically and emotionally, but I am in a really bad situation and this is what's causing me to panic. So I owe about $50K in credit card\student loan debt now and every single penny that I make goes towards paying off my debt. I make decent money, but it will still take about 4 years to pay it off and I basically can't date until I am done paying it off.

 

No woman here wants a 40 year who doesn't have his life together. Well, I don't have my life together. I am a smart guy, I am good looking, I am intelligent and can converse on any topic. I speak 3 languages and work IT. My career is just starting (I was stuck for 10 years) and I will be making 6 figures until I retire. I don't own a home (which is also very bad imo). But living in LA, dating women here is a cruel and sad joke. I was just traveling to Montreal and other cities and there are women everywhere and people meet each other all the time, but here in LA, everyone drives and most women just want famous, rich guys. And please don't tell me that they don't. I grew up here and have seen this first, 2nd, and 3rd hand. I am beyond sad about all this and I don't know how to cope. My parents destroyed my life when I was a kid and all I ever wanted was my own family, wife, kids, something very simple.

 

ALL of my friends are now married, even the ones who didn't want to, but I am all alone, embarrassed, broken, hopeless, disappointed, crushed, and again, alone. My dog is my life and we have a great time together, but I feel this burning pain in my chest, in my whole body, in my soul, that I don't want to end up alone. I am not lonely and I don't need to be with someone because I am lonely. I want to be with someone because I want to share my happiness with this person. I know 40 is not old, but by the time I can start to date (after I pay off my debt), I will be too old to start a family. I don't want a single mother. But by the most women will have kids already. I am just devastated that things turned out this way and my heart and soul are in pain. It's been a year, but the pain is only getting worst. I am not depressed, I am just lost = (

 

PS. Regarding my mention of my women in LA, if you live in another city, please understand, LA's datings scene is a joke. Most women who more or less decent looking are looking to marry up. I work for a prestigious media company and that's simply not good enough for most girls here. They want someone with a business who can take care of them. This is not my imagination. I grew up in and around this whole insane dating scene and never could date anyone from LA. All of my past relationships have been with women who came here from somewhere else.

 

I honestly just want a family. It pains me so much to see happy couples together. I don't even remember what that feels like. But the fear of ending up alone is driving me to anger and resentment. Even thinking about moving away from SoCal because this place is sad. I feel sad, but I used to be so happy and so optimistic. I feel broken and I can't cope any longer. Sorry for all the negativity, I am just in pain =\

Edited August 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Garcon1986]

So you have quite a lot of stuff going man, and let me start by putting the proverbial arm over the shoulder and express my sympathies, as I have gone through a similar thing this year.

 

Let me ask: are you able to join extracurricular clubs such as via Meetup, to do things you truly enjoy inside and out? The first order of business is to be happy again. The cruel reality is that your chances with a new girl are next to nil right now, because most girls can easily detect unresolved grieving from 500 yards.

 

What are the barriers to feeling at least a little better about yourself, right now, in your specific situation? All that stuff you said, is super common after a divorce.

[FMW]

Have you considered moving to a different City, even different state? You have an exorbitant cost of living in LA, so even if you took less pay somewhere else you could likely still end up ahead.

 

I won't challenge your judgment of the LA women since I have no clue, but that is another reason to consider moving.

 

Getting a fresh start somewhere else without all the things to remind you of the past failures and heartaches might be just what you need.

 

But you have to be willing to let go and move on, meaning not seeing your ex anymore.

 

Just a thought.

[Imajerk17]

Well OP, whereas how many "famous" people live there in Los Angeles? Hundreds? A few thousand? Maybe ten thousand? Anyway last I checked there are a few MILLION women living in LA, many of them are happily in relationships, as they far outnumber the Rich and Famous, they can't all be dating the next Ryan Gosling.

 

That you have ambition and are making a decent salary is really all you need "on paper" to date. Hell many women are in love with guys who have a lot less going for them than you seem to have.

 

If you think your dating/mating/quality of life situation would be better with you moving, then definitely move. But what I really am getting from your post is that you aren't over your ex.

[Versacehottie]

wow ok. Well i live in LA, am a girl and sure there is some validity to what you say. That said, let's start with what you have control over. That's part of the reason you are overwhelmed, you are thinking of far too much that "needs" (your skewed perspective at the moment) to be changed in order to have the life you want...and some of that is completely out of your control. such as age, city dynamics, factual debt etc. I do believe 100% that you can be happy & find someone for you, but like most things it will take some work, some time, some change.

 

Start with what you are doing 1000% right. So good that you are working on working out/health/body. It's a huge part of LA life and can deal with multiple issues at once. First of all, it's going to make you look and feel better, which will result in confidence and self-worth for setting goals and achieving them and being engaged with yourself (vs looking for outside validation). Secondly, as it is a huge part of the lifestyle here, you might (totally know and believe this) meet someone through your fitness activities. Whether its the gym, or some other fitness activity, become more involved in it and look for ways to expand & try other fitness activities, especially ones where girls are involved too.

 

Don't just think linear or that it has to happen immediately. You don't really know how it will unfold but it will if you engage in your life and look for opportunities and stay open to them. I've said stuff like this before because i know of stories where it has happened. Let's say you even stick with a fitness activity that's mostly guys or the girls there are not to your liking or not single; but over time you develop a good friendship with one of the guys who invites you to a BBQ or introduces you to his sister or something like that. It doesn't have to even be that deep because you can run into people you know from say beach volleyball at starbucks who introduce you momentarily to some girl that is with them, who you then see a few weeks later on her own somewhere else and you just say hi, etc. So first stay open.

 

Right now, because you are overwhelmed and a little hopeless, you are not seeing/feeling any opportunities and thus are not open to them. While you might not have a girlfriend tomorrow, you can change this mentality today and it will lead to potentially having a girlfriend. Just try to get yourself to neutral and rather than think something is impossible, look for evidence of what "could" be to support how something good might happen for you. If you cannot find evidence right now in your own life, look for it in how it has unfolded in others lives. You will see the possibilities. If you look for evidence of bad you will find it and it will build in your own life. If you look for evidence of good, you will also find it and it will build in your own life.

 

Listen you are not going to change the dating culture in LA or the people that are superficial climbers here. But it only takes one right person to be the right one for you. You just need to find her rather than change the culture. Saying you can't date at all for 4 years is a little extreme and black and white thinking. You've got to come up with a better plan to manage both your goal of paying off your debt and finding a gf. Also a guy who "rights" his life is so much more attractive than one who passively lets life happen to him--so you never know, maybe that spark/change is something your ex-gf is hoping to see in you.

 

I can think of a lot of other ways that you can make some solid differences in your life that will give you more of a chance to get what you want. Even stuff with your dog--which is a huge way that people bond and start up conversations in LA; it's almost cliche, but whatever, it works and you love your dog, so it's not like it's not genuine. Also where you hang out. LA for sure is a driving culture and i actually think that is the BIGGEST detriment to finding someone. So you need to make your every day less routine or make your routine work for you (i.e. in a neighborhood-y way) or I would say do both. What part of town do you live in? Also depending on where you live (and your industry, which you mentioned) you can either maximize your opportunities or tailor your way of dealing with limitations to help your goals along. Like your industry might make it a challenge to find a more genuine girl, then don't put too much emphasis on going out with co-workers or trying those girls at work (though it really only takes one and I'm guessing at least one of the girls that works there could be a catch). Anyway, I have ideas for days. I don't think it is totally easy. Each city has it's dating challenges. Living in LA, I know plenty of girls who would appreciate a good guy and say similar things that they have trouble finding him. Anyway you can do it. Just need to reset and change your mindset and keep trying. At this point I would caution against apps or online dating because i think the dismissiveness and randomness would make you lose hope but once you have a better outlook you could do that as well as try to develop relationships from people you meet in real life (IMO the best). Good luck!

[Gretchen12]

I know men in LA who divorced in their 30's who are still single in their 50's or 60's. In a way it's a nice place to be if you want to be single. Not so nice if you want to be married. A lot of single men living in bachlor pads in LA.

However, since I have some experience dating these men, I have to say the problem isn't so much meeting women who want to settle down. Problem with these bachelors is that they are actually not lonely, they can cook and clean, they have friends, do sports, etc. so they're not that enthusiastic, plus they have emotional baggage and as years go by they become set in their ways.

If you don't want to go down that path, you need to change your attitude. But that's not gonna happen overnight. You are still getting over your ex.

[losangelena]

Fellow Angeleno here. I empathize that dating here can be difficult, but let's be real. Millions of women live here, and a large majority of them are very "normal," work in industries far from entertainment or media, and have a different set of priorities. Surely, any number of them are not social climbers.

 

I think your real problem is that you still need to process your breakup and heal. You eventually need to find a way to forgive yourself and move on. I question whether it's a good thing for you to keep seeing her so often. You're not giving yourself a chance to have any kind of real distance, no wonder no one else looks good to you, you can't (and sounds like you don't want to) get away from your ex.

 

You're getting upset over what is still like, five steps ahead. Keep working on healing, and your desire to date will return. Simply feeling the need to do so because you fear being alone is lousy motivation. If you need to make peace with some aspects of your life not turning out the way you wanted, you'll do so. I've found that process to be easier when I don't force it. Acceptance comes through relinquishing control.

[normal person]

 

PS. Regarding my mention of my women in LA, if you live in another city, please understand, LA's datings scene is a joke. Most women who more or less decent looking are looking to marry up.

 

Everyone is looking to marry up. No one aspires to marry down. People want the best for their lives and their future children, they'll compete for the best partner they can get.

 

I work for a prestigious media company and that's simply not good enough for most girls here.

 

Does it really matter where you work if you're $50K in debt? That's like saying "I drive a (leased) BMW but it's simply not enough for these women because I happen to also live in my buddy's basement."

 

They want someone with a business who can take care of them. This is not my imagination.

 

This should be no surprise to you. Women generally want to be protected and provided for. It's not particularly unique to LA either, it's probably just a lot more noticeable because there's more money going around and lot more high profiles. You say you're smart, good looking, and intelligent, implying that women should desire you on those criteria, so you acknowledge that women have standards that are justifiable. But you're actually just upset that their standards are different or more stringent than what you hope. Can you really blame them? If I were a woman I'd take a guy who could put food on the table over a guy who thinks I should overlook his $50K worth of debt because he can speak 3 languages. If all his amazing skills can't turn him from a liability into an asset, of what use are they?

 

 

I honestly just want a family. It pains me so much to see happy couples together. I don't even remember what that feels like. But the fear of ending up alone is driving me to anger and resentment. Even thinking about moving away from SoCal because this place is sad. I feel sad, but I used to be so happy and so optimistic. I feel broken and I can't cope any longer. Sorry for all the negativity, I am just in pain =\

 

If you think LA is the problem, why don't you move somewhere else? Although I think it'll be hard for women to overlook your money issues. But if you insist you're smart and resourceful, why don't you start your own company? I'm not saying it's an easy fix, but if you're going to paying off debt for the next decade, and that's the source of your pain, I don't see any way out of it any time soon other than rolling the dice.

Edited August 27, 2018 by normal person