Toxic home life is killing me

[Slycke]

Been married for 27 years, her first, my 4th (yeah, I am persistent). First few years were amazing, old man but workout freak and excellent C&W dancer. I met her on the dance floor in Dallas and impressed her with my skills, ended up with her calling me the next day from my card. In short, she moved in, little by little..we are still on our second date. Yeah, trophy wife that married me for my dancing skills.

Never felt so in love, let her convince me to undergo reversal surgery in year 9...that hurt, 6 weeks off work with an ice pack in my shorts, self-employed contractor so loss of income plus the hospital, etc.

I was working 6.5 days/week, in a lot of pain, finally had both knees replaced, then spinal fusion the next year, then the reversal.

She started fertility treatments, test tube babies. Twins the 10th year together. She was on bed rest for almost the whole pregnancy, leave of absence from work. No paycheck. But, managed to drain the savings, checking, and company accounts, run up $36K in credit card debt, order a new F250 pickup from the factory...all before the babies were born...then she went to work for one day to fulfill HR requirement for insurance, then quit her job.

I was faced with phone calls, etc, unaware of situation. Got cut off by my vendors for bad checks, etc. Investigated and found 29 active credit card accounts..threw them in the fireplace.

 

I was forced to fire-sale my rental house in Dallas, my farm in AR, and remote timber property in OK, trying to stave off the bankruptcy. I moved her and the kids to my lake house in AR and commuted 4 hours to work, staying all week in Dallas, for 2 years. Finally, too exhausted and now disabled, I sold the company and retired to be Mr Mom to the twins. I was already home as much as possible.

This was supposed to be an idyllic situation. Married to the beautiful love of your life, retired in small town with a lake and fishing dock across the street, beautiful B&G twins. Sounds like a setup to a horror flick? Yep.

She went out and got a job, then added a part time job to not be at home with me all day. We started fighting over lack of intimacy, time together with the kids, etc. I started spending a lot more time alone after the kids went to bed, realized that at one point she had not even seen the kids in 2 weeks.

Fighting escalated over the next 8 years with me complaining that she never even "touched me"...whereupon she reached over and patted my arm.."there, I touched you, now what?" I replied that I didn't feel loved anymore, depressed, and needed her. She said" Well, that's just it, I don't love you, haven't loved you in 15 years. I tolerate you." "I don't enjoy your company and your touch makes me feel dirty".

I took her to a counselor. They asked me to wait outside for a while. When I came back, they asked me "Would you consider chemical castration so that we do not have to talk about this subject again"

Obviously NO, why can't you give her something to help.

We negotiated our sex life, she wanted none at all...so you can imagine what a Pyrrhic victory that session was. No fun at all. gave up.

 

That was 10 years ago. My kids are seniors now and will be off to college next fall.

I bought a Harley. Got her to ride out to her Mom's house, no drive way so we cut across the yard, dropped into a hole @5mph that threw me through the windshield and hurt my ribs on the mirror.

 

I was lying on the ground, screaming in pain. She stood 10 feet away and screamed at me, never once touched me. We got help, went to ER, dumbass tech shot xray of wrong side. went home, pain all night and begging to back to ER..."No honey, you're an old man and it is going to hurt, tough it out."

Woke her early, made her take me to ER. She parked the truck, came into the room, threw my wallet to the nurse and said "Here is his info, he was here yesterday, they couldn't find anything. Call me when you are done with him", turned without looking or speaking to me and left.

 

Got an MRI, 3 broken ribs...morphine, yes.

 

 

Neighbor's nasty little dog, always rummaging around in the lake, dirty, etc. found on road in bad shape. She gets a towel, wraps the mutt up and walks to the neighbor's house crying her eyes out.

 

 

I had been Mr Mom for too many years to leave. My kids are my life.

Now, I intend to run away to S. America. Go back to Ecuador, stay as long as it feels good. Several countries on my bucket list.

 

 

My plan is to convert one of my shop buildings into living space and use the profit from the home sale...please let it be quick..to fund college, erase my debts and thus set me free.

 

 

The anxiety has been awful. My life seems to stand as evidence that a toxic home life can kill you.

 

 

My health was failing 6-3 years ago (not a typo), I was being treated for back pain by the VA, addicted to pain killers, had to undergo epidural injections in order to even get to speak to the Ortho guys....gained 100 pounds from those shots.

Became diabetic, high blood pressure, tachycardia 105 bpm, then woke up one morning and my feet were paralyzed.

Laid in bed for over 3 years with the pain and depression, wanting the pain to go away so bad that the 12 gauge in the closet was looking like the best solution, but the alarm would ring and Mr Mom had to go pick up the kids at the bus stop.

During that time, she never made any physical contact with me, never came in and sat with me, sharing any inspiration encouragement, or compassion. Probably had my insurance agent on speed dial.

I accidentally cured my diabetes and heart problems and acupuncture reduced my back pain by 97%, ankle braces allow me to walk, may even dance again.

 

 

Anxiety. Trying to maintain "normalcy" while plotting to escape. She honestly thinks we are a happily married couple. We "got through " the hard times.

 

 

NO, I can honestly say that I resent every single night I had to be alone, every time she changed clothes in the other room, every time I had my hands blocked. I was a licensed massage therapist...she refuses rubs because that always leads to sex.

 

 

I feel that what she did was reprehensible and unforgivable. Doesn't matter, as she got what she wanted. My time is just as gone, can't replace it.

 

 

Feel like I am living in 2 worlds. I am fine when anyone is around...smiling Dad with the jokes, hugs (for my kids), etc. Then, all day, when alone it is so lonesome...Hank Williams type of lonesome. I gave up trying to not cry and called a therapist for help. The Zoloft helps, but as I get closer to leaving it doesn't seem to be strong enough.

 

 

Been to the ER 3 times with chest pain, thought I was going to die.

First time, I had a major blockage, 97%, nearly dead.

2nd time, assumed I was going to have a by-pass, but oops, perfect lab tests and vastly increased blood flow to heart...without pills. Lots of debate over my refusal to take pills...I won when lab tests showed no need...embarrassed Cardio guys.

 

 

Confused, went home. Was back again 4 months later, same thing.....finally figured out that it was the toxicity of my home life that was killing me.

Now, I try to stay in the moment and not panic, or cry. Every day is a battle.

 

 

The stress has caused an eruption of eczema. I take no pills except the Z.

 

Had a physical last month...perfect lab tests 120/120 normal range. Now the VA finally has agreed that I do not have diabetes and blood pressure/heart issues. SO, diet and stress must be the culprits........leaving seems to be the only way. The thought of staying makes the 12 gauge look tasty.

 

 

6-12 months on the beach with an organic diet, legal weed, cheap food and living in Ecuador should allow me to recharge as much as possible.

 

 

Wish that I did not have to go alone, but it is what it is.

 

 

Don't know why I even wrote this out, much less posted it. Feels better, but won't last...long days.

[Normm]

I took her to a counselor. They asked me to wait outside for a while. When I came back, they asked me "Would you consider chemical castration so that we do not have to talk about this subject again"

 

 

Let's see if I have this straight. You weren't getting any intimacy or sex from your wife, so the two of you went to a counselor to figure it out. They speak without you in the room, they come out and say would you consider being chemically castrated so we don't have to address this issue again.

 

 

Is that about right?

[Slycke]

Precisely.

I asked the counselor how her husband was doing. She said: "we are divorced".

Me: Bye.

Physician heal thyself

[Normm]

Hard to wrap my head around a professional licensed therapist suggesting castration as a solution to intimacy problems in a marriage.

 

 

Sure hope you didn't give her the insurance copay.

[Slycke]

She works for the VA...nuff said?

[Normm]

She works for the VA...nuff said?

 

 

Yeah those VA docs tend to go right to castration before considering less invasive options.

[bathtub-row]

What the heck is chemical castration?!

 

Ok, all horrible stuff and I hope you realize that you’re not alone because you have your kids. Btw, get them to help out with college expenses. They’ll appreciate it more anyway.

 

You need to exit this marriage. Maybe you can get her to leave and you can stay in the house. Whatever you do, dear person, you need to change your mind set about this whole thing and stop letting it eat at you the way it is. She’s a crappy person and has huge issues. File for divorce and wash her from your life.

[Normm]

What the heck is chemical castration?!.

 

 

I didn't look it up but the mental image I get is some poor guy dipping his parts in a bucket of sulfuric acid.

[Slycke]

Well, I sat in front of the VA Head Ortho guy 5 years ago. He told me that he was going to put 2 steel rods with 3 sets of screws and another spinal fusion to stabilize my spine. But the pain would never go away and I would never tie my own shoes again.

 

 

Went down the hall, VA Acupuncturist, one visit...pain is almost all gone for 2 years now.

[Art_Critic]

I'm not sure what country you are in but in the US Chemical Castration isn't something you can legally do and a few states have tested it as punishment for sex offense involving children.

 

I would have ended all conversation after hearing that and quite possibly never spoken to my wife again and communicated only thru attorneys at that point if my wife was wanting that.

 

How humiliating and dehumanizing that would have made you feel.

 

It sounds to me that your an empty nester, go get an attorney and divorce her.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not sure what country you are in but in the US Chemical Castration isn't something you can legally do and a few states have tested it as punishment for sex offense involving children.

 

I would have ended all conversation after hearing that and quite possibly never spoken to my wife again and communicated only thru attorneys at that point if my wife was wanting that.

 

How humiliating and dehumanizing that would have made you feel.

 

It sounds to me that your an empty nester, go get an attorney and divorce her.

 

I fully agree! Me and that person would never exchange another word! So horrible on so many levels.

[bathtub-row]

I didn't look it up but the mental image I get is some poor guy dipping his parts in a bucket of sulfuric acid.

 

I think of something along the lines of chemo therapy. Either way, the mental image and thought is completely repulsive. Now I’ve got to go look it up.

[Slycke]

Empty nester? NO, not yet, I am 67, my twins are 17.

[Slycke]

I live in rural Redneckistan, between Oklahoma and Mississippi.

[Art_Critic]

That's close enough, a divorce with kids will take 6 months or so; so your child support payments will time limited and any other college issue you will have to deal with but at least you won't have to be around a woman that feels chemical castration is the answer for you... man....

[Slycke]

Yeah, easy to say that you would have done so and so, but IF YOU had been Mr. Mom for all that time....you could walk away? Not likely.

 

 

This is my second family, others are in their 40s...Oldest is 42 today.

I worked and went to college while the first kids were small, missed out on so much. Mom took them when they were 6 and 5. It was tough being a weekend Dad, dealing with Mom's new boyfriends, baby-sitters, lawyers, in-laws, etc.

I lived through that ****. Wound up depressed, homeless, living in a car that I had to work out of all day.

NO, I decided to stay and be there for my kids. I have incredible relationships with my kids. They are the air beneath my wings. They leave, I leave, not before.

[Art_Critic]

Yeah, easy to say that you would have done so and so, but IF YOU had been Mr. Mom for all that time....you could walk away? Not likely.

 

Well... I divorced my first wife because of the unhealthy relationship and the fact I was abused and at times physically so I do think I can say I would leave in your case.. no doubt..I left a 5 years marriage with one child that was hers..

 

The Chemical Castration mixed in with her latest treatment of you is what I'm basing that on, that is a terribly humiliating and horrible thing to have said to you and it will wack at your self esteem and even moreso now if you stay.

[Slycke]

Been 10 years, I can make it another 1 or so to make sure the money is there for college. Be kid of stupid to give up now, upset the kids during senior year, financial chaos.

I am working to make the money available as mentioned. Takes time, lots of effort. Contractors are very difficult around here.

[Normm]

Yeah, easy to say that you would have done so and so

 

 

Sometimes it IS easy to say what we would have done after reading someone else's story.

 

 

For example in your case, I would not have gotten married a second time, let alone a third or a fourth.

 

 

 

I've been married, ONCE and I belatedly realized it's a failed concept, a waste of time and effort and accomplishes nothing and ends in failure much more often than it works out as expected. Even though I live with a great woman, marriage isn't on the table for those reasons and if people thought with a clear head and looked at the statistics, especially those who have been through it and experienced their own failure, they wouldn't get married again either.

 

 

 

Yet here you are, for a 4th time, on the ground, bloodied, bruised and beaten, having been told to go castrate yourself, trying to stand up and wipe the dust off and rebuild your life, and wondering where it all went wrong because "it seemed so great when you first met her you were sure it was going to be forever". Yeah just like the other 3.

 

 

 

If nothing else, learn from this last time and don't do it again. I know I wouldn't and yes I can say that easily.

[bathtub-row]

I get it that kids play a huge role in a person staying or leaving. But in a situation where I might’ve stayed, I think I would cut off my feelings for, and expectations of, that person. You cannot continue to let this get to you in such a way. She’s a piece of crap and you should disconnect from her in every way possible - particularly emotionally.

 

Life can deal a really crappy hand sometimes. I can see that there was a time when you were happy and doing well. There’s nothing that says you can’t get at least some semblance of that peace and happiness back. You can’t give up hope and you can’t give up on yourself.

[Slycke]

There is no visible tension in my home. My neighbors would point to us, many do, as a perfect couple. Teachers congratulated us on being one of only 2 couples that she had with both the biological parents still together.

If you read her FB posts about me, etc. You would think I am crazy, this stuff never happened.

We get along, just like as if I was living with one of my sisters and sharing a room. We do not fight. We have separate banks, credit, etc.

She is insane. Yes.

I am leaving, but want to maximize the exit, doing the most for the kids on my way out...cars, college expenses, insurance, etc.

I do not care about any of the material stuff, will walk away with a suitcase and my monthly paycheck...enough for me.

Will not divorce. No need, just Married-living-seperately, sign and file it.

No reason for my kids to have their Mom live without the widow's pension that will be coming some day or without the free health insurance that also covers them.

I am not looking to hurt her in any way. Why would I? My kids love her, that would only hurt them and certainly not do me any good.

 

It also might present some financial hardships that my son might feel necessary to delay college to help her......cannot risk that.

I will leave her as well set up as I can. I will not financially support her in any way. I will not leave my credit or my income exposed.

 

I am not willing to do anything that would harm any of them in the future.

[Slycke]

Do it again? Whatever for?

Congrats for not doing it again. Perhaps you are just a wiser person.

 

 

Bruised, yeah, at least that..lol

 

 

BUT, I am getting stronger every day, starting to exercise again, and have hope for the future.

 

 

I feel like the Phoenix, rising from those ashes you described...not beaten.

 

 

I have great kids, they love me, I got to be Mr Mom.

Now I am going to travel the world after they leave.

[bathtub-row]

Just curious - why not just stay in that separate house you were talking about? Was it a house? Not sure.

 

Look, do what makes your conscious feel good. That’s all any of us can do. However, I think I’d have a somewhat frank talk with the kids because I’m pretty sure your horrible wife is going to bad-mouth you to them and you need to head her off at the pass as much as possible. I don’t mean give them a blow-by-blow but tell them in general where you’re at with everything. Let them know that if they hear anything about you that makes them sad or angry, they need to talk to you about it first before passing judgment on you.

[Slycke]

My kids are aware of the situation. My son eavesdropped on my ranting in the shop when I thought I was alone. His scooter stopped and he walked home, I did not hear him. He heard everything, we talked about it and have many times. Hate it that he feels it, wants to be angry with her. Told him that he and Sis are worth every minute, it was my choice to stay. I have survived and protected my children, just wish a warmer home environment had been afforded...would have been fun.

 

My daughter and I talked about it 2 years ago.

She is in therapy, maybe this was part of it? Don't know.

[Art_Critic]

There is something to be said about staying for the kids... but you really should think about filing in the next 6-8 months though..

 

If there is a separation period you have to be apart then you might want to consider that as well..

In my state it is 31 days but in the state next to mine you have to be separated one year before a divorce can be finalized.