How can I get past the first date and create a meaningful relationship?

[Johnny_Rico]

I am male in my late 20s, and I am told I am attractive. In good shape, great career, talented, educated, skilled and have friends etc. I have no problem talking to people in general, though I struggle when it comes to approaching women.

 

 

The only serious relationship I have ever been in came from me lowering my standards, and I dumped her because she was crazy. I have always avoided online dating, so I have only averaged maybe 2 to 3 dates a year, and never got past a first date. A girl broke my heart in my early twenties, discouraging me from putting myself out there. Because of this, I have not developed my dating and relationship skills, and I am a severe disadvantage. I feel like a out of practice beer league baseball player coming up to swing at bat against a major league hall of fame pitcher when it comes to dating.

 

 

I figured I would probably be alone forever if I didn't do anything about my situation. It feels like perfect isn't good enough, bought designer clothes, whitened my teeth, got a tan, revamped just about everything I possibly can, and try to keep improving. As a side effect of this, I have become very successful and prepared at anything besides dating ironically.

 

 

So, since I am terrible at approaching women, I got on Tinder and some other apps and had 6 dates in 2 weeks, more than I've had in the previous 2 years combined. Half of them went well, but none of them have gone past a first date. I have taken them from everything to drinks, coffee, to a fancy dinner. One canceled on a second date last second, and another just wanted to be friends. I asked one of them what I could do to improve, and she said "nothing, I am just really picky. You seem like a genuine guy who has his act together." I feel like women will never give me a straight answer, which is frustrating, since I am always a gentleman. Sometimes, it seems like women might go into auto-rejection mode with me, thinking I would reject them. One of them told me she doesn't want to hold me back, even though I didn't say anything judgemental to her.

 

 

 

I am started to get somewhat frustrated. While I am getting tons of matches online, it is still worthless if I can't get past a first date. Are women you meet online normally really picky? Or is this something where I can get better with practice, and eventually progress? As of now, I am stuck in a catch 22 situation where I can't do anything right and it feels impossible. It's only going to get worse as I get older. I would really appreciate some advice on how to turn this around.

 

 

 

As of now, my next step will be trying to approach women in public. I meet beautiful women from time to time that I talk to, but never ask out, that seem to like me. I am just afraid of making things awkward at places I frequent, like the bank, dentist, grocer store etc.

 

 

Who knows, maybe another few dates and I might actually meet someone. But all life has shown me so far is that it is nearly impossible for me to get past a first date.

[dream of me]

Okay.

 

What are you talking about on the dates?

Do you tend to boast a lot?

Do you think you may have the vibe of a player even if you aren't?

How exactly are you a gentleman?

Why do you think you're perfect? What are your flaws?

[d0nnivain]

Up your conversation game. Be interesting, having something to talk about but more importantly be an active listener. Real hear what your date is saying. Be interested in what she has to say.

 

Stay on Tinder for right now & keep practicing. You are cute enough to get the dates but need a bit more practice keeping them. Understand that people on Tinder aren't always interested in a 2nd date; they always think there is something / somebody better out there. The medium itself effects your ability to get that 2nd date.

 

After a month or so, use your new found confidence to seek out women in real life situations. It's easier to convert those to a 2nd date.

[Gretchen12]

You had 6 dates in 2 weeks, but it seems you didn't really like any of them because you spoke of them as 6 generic women. You didn't get excited about one of them. You didn't tell us how cool one of the women was. So why would you want a second date? Keep going on dates until you find someone that really excites you, then you'll likely get a second date with that one.

[ppc]

How did your last dates look like in more details? How was this women?

[Johnny_Rico]

If you are already a decent looking dude who has his life together, good. That's one less thing to worry about.

 

If you can land that first date, the rest is a piece of cake. A successful first date is all about showing a girl a good time. Drop the coffee dates, the fancy dinner dates, all that nonsense. BOOOOORING! Instead, opt to take your girl to a water park, mini golf, or some other activity. It helps if you can gauge people a little and figure out what sort of thing she might like. Those are fun dates. While you're there, don't worry about what happens. Don't have an agenda to get laid. Don't worry about getting to know her all that much. Just focus on making sure she has a good time (without blowing too much of your money, hopefully.) Treat the girl like an old friend that you haven't seen in forever. If she thinks you're decent looking enough, and you showed her a great time, I can almost guarantee you will get a 2nd date.

 

Thanks Enigma. I thought this might have had something to do with it, but meeting women online is inherently risky and I thought it would be more prudent to meet them first. Now that I think about it, most of the best dates I have been on were activity type dates.

 

What do you think of these other ideas? Ice/roller Skating, Hiking (this one might be a weird first date), Plays/Orchestra, Museum, Comedy Club, Bowling, Art class, Cooking class (latter two geared towards dates), Botanical Gardens, Zoos, Amusement Park. It is kind of hard to gauge what might be the funnest activity when I don't know the person. It seems harder to iron out logistics of first date if you offer them three options. What are the best go to options that everyone likes?

[Johnny_Rico]

Okay.

 

1. What are you talking about on the dates?

2. Do you tend to boast a lot?

3. Do you think you may have the vibe of a player even if you aren't?

4. How exactly are you a gentleman?

5. Why do you think you're perfect? What are your flaws?

 

Dream of me, these are informative questions and might cut to the heart of the problem.

 

1. A couple of the least successful dates felt like more of a job interview. One girl grilled my why I was on Tinder, and didn't really believe it was my first date on Tinder. She kind of made me nervous and I didn't really feel chemistry with her. One woman was concerned she was too old for me and kept talking herself down, asking me about a previous relationship I had. She wasn't feeling well and made the date awkward. Other dates I tried to be more in the moment and build off what the girl was saying, without talking about me much. Had lots of eye contact, smiling, lasted up to a few hours. Walked one girl home. I feel like the more I share about myself the worse the date goes. What are some ways to gear the conversation towards the moment, even if the girl I am dating is bad a conversation?

 

2. I am proud of what I do and have a lot of things going on in my life. I don't brag and say how good I am, but when I go into detail that's where I might be hanging myself. Should I just be nonchalant about it, downplay it, and speak as little as possible about my talents and accomplishments unless directly asked?

 

3. It is certainly possibly I am coming across as a player. One date, it was really hard not to, since the woman was more than 10 years older and how I met her. Another date, I made the mistake of trying to kiss the girl after I walked her home. Things felt like they went really well. Honestly, I don't like my feelings getting hurt, so I try not to expose myself too much. It's not because I am an insecure *******. I try to make a girl feel special as well, though I guess this may backfire.

 

4. I try to be polite, with manners, and listen well. I do the cliche' things like get doors, seat the lady, always offer to get the tab first, avoid being overtly sexual etc.

 

5. I don't actually think I am perfect. I was just trying to get across that doing my best isn't good enough for a lot of women. Some of my flaws are I tend to be shy/reserved until I open up and get to know women. On the other had, if I feel too comfortable, I have a tendency to become too talkative, and this has dug me holes in the past. I can be very intense and overthink pretty much everything, since I am very analytical. I also need to work on my confidence and nervousness in situations dealing with new women.

[Johnny_Rico]

You had 6 dates in 2 weeks, but it seems you didn't really like any of them because you spoke of them as 6 generic women. You didn't get excited about one of them. You didn't tell us how cool one of the women was. So why would you want a second date? Keep going on dates until you find someone that really excites you, then you'll likely get a second date with that one.

 

That is true actually for some of them. I did really like a couple. One I hit it off with, walked her home, and booked a second date she canceled last second. The other wanted to be casual friends and too hang out. I felt like I wasn't in a position to be picky, and like I said, I am trying for more experience. So should I just not text them at all if I don't like them much after the first date? I suppose if I don't like them much they wouldn't like me either, even if we are both otherwise attractive.

Edited August 11, 2018 by Johnny_Rico

[d0nnivain]

Active dates are fine but I wouldn't go to a comedy club. Do you really want to be the couple the comedian picks on if you two don't know each other? What we think is the most fun date doesn't matter; what does the lady in question want to do. Pick something that won't cause a sweat or put pressure on somebody. I'd be too nervous at a cooking class. Strolling through a small museum or art gallery is great. You can easily add in coffee or ice cream. Hiking is OK as long as it's known in advance. You don't want her showing up in heels & dress. Mini golf could be amusing.

[Gretchen12]

I felt like I wasn't in a position to be picky, and like I said, I am trying for more experience. So should I just not text them at all if I don't like them much after the first date? I suppose if I don't like them much they wouldn't like me either, even if we are both otherwise attractive.

 

I really think women can tell when you are dating for practice. We can sense these things you know. And we know that as practice-women we can be easily discarded. Some women will go for it if you pay for meals and entertainment. But would you really count that as "interest for a second date" ?

[kendahke]

How can I get past the first date and create a meaningful relationship?

 

 

nail down a second one before the 1st one ends

[smackie9]

Go seek out assertive training to up your confidence and a public speaking course and even throw in creative writing to help you sort out your thoughts. These would be great tools to help you to step out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there.

[dream of me]

Dream of me, these are informative questions and might cut to the heart of the problem.

 

1. A couple of the least successful dates felt like more of a job interview. One girl grilled my why I was on Tinder, and didn't really believe it was my first date on Tinder. She kind of made me nervous and I didn't really feel chemistry with her. One woman was concerned she was too old for me and kept talking herself down, asking me about a previous relationship I had. She wasn't feeling well and made the date awkward. Other dates I tried to be more in the moment and build off what the girl was saying, without talking about me much. Had lots of eye contact, smiling, lasted up to a few hours. Walked one girl home. I feel like the more I share about myself the worse the date goes. What are some ways to gear the conversation towards the moment, even if the girl I am dating is bad a conversation?

 

Well the convo should be a two way street... It seems like you weren't a good match with these ladies, they should make an effort as well.

 

2. I am proud of what I do and have a lot of things going on in my life. I don't brag and say how good I am, but when I go into detail that's where I might be hanging myself. Should I just be nonchalant about it, downplay it, and speak as little as possible about my talents and accomplishments unless directly asked?

 

It depends on how much detail you're going and how long do you spend talking about yourself. Even if you don't compliment yourself that can seem like you are either trying too hard to impress or that you are self-centred. I think it's definitely nice to talk about what you like doing, but give more details when they ask for them.

 

3. It is certainly possibly I am coming across as a player. One date, it was really hard not to, since the woman was more than 10 years older and how I met her. Another date, I made the mistake of trying to kiss the girl after I walked her home. Things felt like they went really well. Honestly, I don't like my feelings getting hurt, so I try not to expose myself too much. It's not because I am an insecure *******. I try to make a girl feel special as well, though I guess this may backfire.

 

I'm not sure how to interpret this, if you would like to elaborate more

 

4. I try to be polite, with manners, and listen well. I do the cliche' things like get doors, seat the lady, always offer to get the tab first, avoid being overtly sexual etc.

That's nice, keep it up

 

5. I don't actually think I am perfect. I was just trying to get across that doing my best isn't good enough for a lot of women. Some of my flaws are I tend to be shy/reserved until I open up and get to know women. On the other had, if I feel too comfortable, I have a tendency to become too talkative, and this has dug me holes in the past. I can be very intense and overthink pretty much everything, since I am very analytical. I also need to work on my confidence and nervousness in situations dealing with new women.

Don't worry about these too much. The person I've been seeing is exactly like that and it made me more attracted to him. But how do you overthink? I mean do you express your thoughts to these ladies?

[Philosopher]

So, since I am terrible at approaching women, I got on Tinder and some other apps and had 6 dates in 2 weeks, more than I've had in the previous 2 years combined. Half of them went well, but none of them have gone past a first date. I have taken them from everything to drinks, coffee, to a fancy dinner. One canceled on a second date last second, and another just wanted to be friends. I asked one of them what I could do to improve, and she said "nothing, I am just really picky. You seem like a genuine guy who has his act together." I feel like women will never give me a straight answer, which is frustrating, since I am always a gentleman. Sometimes, it seems like women might go into auto-rejection mode with me, thinking I would reject them. One of them told me she doesn't want to hold me back, even though I didn't say anything judgemental to her.

 

 

 

I am started to get somewhat frustrated. While I am getting tons of matches online, it is still worthless if I can't get past a first date. Are women you meet online normally really picky? Or is this something where I can get better with practice, and eventually progress? As of now, I am stuck in a catch 22 situation where I can't do anything right and it feels impossible. It's only going to get worse as I get older. I would really appreciate some advice on how to turn this around.

 

 

You obviously are doing something right as you managed to get six dates in two weeks. I would not be that concerned with your lack of second dates so far. You have only been on six dates so far and from what you say its sounds like you only have been rejected by three of them, one of which sounded like she may have been on the fence (the one that cancelled the last second). I would just keep on going on more dates. If you get 10 rejections in row, then there probably is something you are doing wrong, three rejections however could just be bad luck. At times I have had a string of five rejections for second dates in a row, while there have been other times when three or four women in row would agree to a second date.

 

 

Finally you are unlikely to get truthful feedback on what they thought of you. It is unlikely women will say the real reason for why they didn't want a second date as people are generally socially conditioned not to be critical of people they do not know well.

[OatsAndHall]

Dream of me, these are informative questions and might cut to the heart of the problem.

 

1. A couple of the least successful dates felt like more of a job interview. One girl grilled my why I was on Tinder, and didn't really believe it was my first date on Tinder. She kind of made me nervous and I didn't really feel chemistry with her. One woman was concerned she was too old for me and kept talking herself down, asking me about a previous relationship I had. She wasn't feeling well and made the date awkward. Other dates I tried to be more in the moment and build off what the girl was saying, without talking about me much. Had lots of eye contact, smiling, lasted up to a few hours. Walked one girl home. I feel like the more I share about myself the worse the date goes. What are some ways to gear the conversation towards the moment, even if the girl I am dating is bad a conversation?

 

2. I am proud of what I do and have a lot of things going on in my life. I don't brag and say how good I am, but when I go into detail that's where I might be hanging myself. Should I just be nonchalant about it, downplay it, and speak as little as possible about my talents and accomplishments unless directly asked?

 

3. It is certainly possibly I am coming across as a player. One date, it was really hard not to, since the woman was more than 10 years older and how I met her. Another date, I made the mistake of trying to kiss the girl after I walked her home. Things felt like they went really well. Honestly, I don't like my feelings getting hurt, so I try not to expose myself too much. It's not because I am an insecure *******. I try to make a girl feel special as well, though I guess this may backfire.

 

4. I try to be polite, with manners, and listen well. I do the cliche' things like get doors, seat the lady, always offer to get the tab first, avoid being overtly sexual etc.

 

5. I don't actually think I am perfect. I was just trying to get across that doing my best isn't good enough for a lot of women. Some of my flaws are I tend to be shy/reserved until I open up and get to know women. On the other had, if I feel too comfortable, I have a tendency to become too talkative, and this has dug me holes in the past. I can be very intense and overthink pretty much everything, since I am very analytical. I also need to work on my confidence and nervousness in situations dealing with new women.

 

 

1. You're running into a few women who have OLD dating experience.. They've been out on many dates and it does basically turn into an interview for them. I lose interest quickly when an early date becomes "heavy" and they're asking about previous relationships, why you're dating, etc..etc.. The dates should just be fun and not feel like an interrogation. Finding more "active" venues for dating can help with women who are shy and reserved. I can usually get a quiet women to come out of their shell a bit on a coffee or dinner date but it can be a struggle.

 

 

Conversation on that first date can be a b-tch and there's no way around it. I ask them as many non-intrusive questions about themselves as I can and then try to keep the conversation rolling by either tying it into my own experiences. This, hopefully, creates a two-way street. Pay attention; if you've struck on a topic they're really talkative about, keep asking them about it. But, unfortunately, if they're not reciprocating, then you end up talking about yourself and that just sucks.

 

 

2. I try to play down my accomplishments a bit. I may slip them into a conversation as an aside but that it's. If they inquire about then more deeply then I'll into more detail. But, beyond that, I stray away from most of them. And, the things I'm most proud of are boring in a conversation; my career, coaching, getting my Masters, etc..etc.. I do bring up competing in the Highland games as I can boast about it a bit and make fun of it which is always good.

 

 

 

3. Yes, you'll come across as a player if you're good looking, fit, and dressed in designed clothes during a date. Those first, physical impressions are important and it seems like they'll just overwhelm everything else in a date. I stick with jeans and a polo or jeans and a collared sweater of some kind on most dates. I'll pull out the khakis on later dates if we're going to a higher end restaurant. But, I try to dress casually for most dates, especially first ones. I -might- have an Under Armor polo on but that's as "designer" as it gets.

 

 

 

Physical contact on a first date is a tricky one. If they're obviously interested and flirty, I'll initiate hand-holding and then just continue to feel out the date. You'll know if they're comfortable enough for a kiss at the end of a date.

 

 

 

4. You're doing everything right here. However, I've found that some women get turned off when I seat them. Some women love it but I can tell immediately if it makes a woman uncomfortable. As such, I've stopped doing it.

 

 

 

5. This is to be expected when you first start dating. It takes dating experience to work through the shyness. Unfortunately, I get chatty when I'm nervous and that can make things way worse. I still have to check myself during dates if I'm nervous as I'll start blathering away about nonsense or myself. But, again, this is a two way street. If they're shy and reserved, I get nervous and start chatting more and that either draws them out or pushes them away. So, they can either reciprocate and add to the conversation or the date ends early... I used to over analyze dates but now I just go by how I'm feeling. If things get tense or boring, it's time to cut things short.

 

 

At the end of the day, it's -just- dating and it should be fun. If it's not an enjoyable experience, then I say the hell with it and move on. I had two dates with a woman last week that just weren't much fun. She was hard to read as she was quiet and reserved, struggled to make eye contact, and we'd have these uncomfortable lulls in conversation. I'd be ready to call it a night but she'd pick the conversation right back up and that conversation would usually involve me talking about myself. But, que sera, I chalk that one up to experience.

[Larry56]

Hi Johnny,

 

First of all. Congrats on getting out there.

 

1) Why are you taking these girls out on dates to begin with when you havern't met them.

 

Only Take a girl out on a proper date once you've met her before.

Only do coffee dates when meeting someone for the first time. Limit it to 30m - 1 hour. You don't need to do some grand gesture to get women to like you.

 

2) What do you look like. A lot of women here say they want a nice successful guy but in reality they are going after a physical type which gives them tingles. Are you able to provide us a picture?

[rightondude]

dude, you're fine. It's online dating. Every woman is wondering what's behind door #2 - #20000. You've gone out on a lot of dates in a short amount of time which tells me you're good enough looking. Just keep bettering yourself, keep in contact with the ones you find attractive, and keep up the dating. You will eventually get the crazy and not so crazy hookups and up your experience quota enough to where you can confidently meet a sane one in real life as well as keep the ones you liked from online in the rotation.

[Johnny_Rico]

3. I'm not sure how to interpret this, if you would like to elaborate more

 

5. Don't worry about these too much. The person I've been seeing is exactly like that and it made me more attracted to him. But how do you overthink? I mean do you express your thoughts to these ladies?

 

3. I just don't open myself up too much or show that I really care. So I am just saying that I might come across like a player. I tend to stay pretty calm in most situations and I am hard to get a rise or reaction out of.

 

5. I appreciate that. I don't express these thoughts to the ladies. The overthinking usually comes before and after the date. ie what can I act to do well on date, what did I do wrong, did she like me etc.

[d0nnivain]

3. I just don't open myself up too much or show that I really care. So I am just saying that I might come across like a player. I tend to stay pretty calm in most situations and I am hard to get a rise or reaction out of..

 

Sweetie players ACT like they care They lie to women telling them what they want to hear & opening up in fake ways. Whatever your problem with women, I highly doubt women think you are a player.

 

Players give good date & never have problems getting date # 2. They also easily lure women into bed with their promises. You are not a player.

 

The aloof closed off thing you got going on is the opposite of player. Women probably think you are not interested because you aren't stroking their egos.

[Johnny_Rico]

Hi Johnny,

 

First of all. Congrats on getting out there.

 

1) Why are you taking these girls out on dates to begin with when you havern't met them.

 

Only Take a girl out on a proper date once you've met her before.

Only do coffee dates when meeting someone for the first time. Limit it to 30m - 1 hour. You don't need to do some grand gesture to get women to like you.

 

Thanks, I kind of had to get out there and make this a priority

 

2) What do you look like. A lot of women here say they want a nice successful guy but in reality they are going after a physical type which gives them tingles. Are you able to provide us a picture?

 

1.) I tried the coffee date and it seemed pretty boring and it makes me anxious. It is more relaxing to get a drink or go somewhere nice and I feel I do better. I am going on another date with a girl on Saturday to go get a coffee and go on a walk through the botanical gardens. It seems like as another poster said, that activity dates will be more successful. Usually I pick a place near to where the girl lives (I ask for her general location) in a public place to make it safe and easy. I don't really like forcing a time limit. I would rather go with the flow, but not force the date longer than its natural finish.

 

As far as a picture goes, I have been told I look like a young Christian Bale to give you an idea, and I am in great shape with a similar physique to him, though not body builder status. I don't want to post a picture, since I am in a highly visible public position and I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't go around shirtless or trying to show off either.

[Johnny_Rico]

1. You're running into a few women who have OLD dating experience.. They've been out on many dates and it does basically turn into an interview for them. I lose interest quickly when an early date becomes "heavy" and they're asking about previous relationships, why you're dating, etc..etc.. The dates should just be fun and not feel like an interrogation. Finding more "active" venues for dating can help with women who are shy and reserved. I can usually get a quiet women to come out of their shell a bit on a coffee or dinner date but it can be a struggle.

 

 

Conversation on that first date can be a b-tch and there's no way around it. I ask them as many non-intrusive questions about themselves as I can and then try to keep the conversation rolling by either tying it into my own experiences. This, hopefully, creates a two-way street. Pay attention; if you've struck on a topic they're really talkative about, keep asking them about it. But, unfortunately, if they're not reciprocating, then you end up talking about yourself and that just sucks.

 

 

2. I try to play down my accomplishments a bit. I may slip them into a conversation as an aside but that it's. If they inquire about then more deeply then I'll into more detail. But, beyond that, I stray away from most of them. And, the things I'm most proud of are boring in a conversation; my career, coaching, getting my Masters, etc..etc.. I do bring up competing in the Highland games as I can boast about it a bit and make fun of it which is always good.

 

 

 

3. Yes, you'll come across as a player if you're good looking, fit, and dressed in designed clothes during a date. Those first, physical impressions are important and it seems like they'll just overwhelm everything else in a date. I stick with jeans and a polo or jeans and a collared sweater of some kind on most dates. I'll pull out the khakis on later dates if we're going to a higher end restaurant. But, I try to dress casually for most dates, especially first ones. I -might- have an Under Armor polo on but that's as "designer" as it gets.

 

 

 

Physical contact on a first date is a tricky one. If they're obviously interested and flirty, I'll initiate hand-holding and then just continue to feel out the date. You'll know if they're comfortable enough for a kiss at the end of a date.

 

 

 

4. You're doing everything right here. However, I've found that some women get turned off when I seat them. Some women love it but I can tell immediately if it makes a woman uncomfortable. As such, I've stopped doing it.

 

 

 

5. This is to be expected when you first start dating. It takes dating experience to work through the shyness. Unfortunately, I get chatty when I'm nervous and that can make things way worse. I still have to check myself during dates if I'm nervous as I'll start blathering away about nonsense or myself. But, again, this is a two way street. If they're shy and reserved, I get nervous and start chatting more and that either draws them out or pushes them away. So, they can either reciprocate and add to the conversation or the date ends early... I used to over analyze dates but now I just go by how I'm feeling. If things get tense or boring, it's time to cut things short.

 

 

At the end of the day, it's -just- dating and it should be fun. If it's not an enjoyable experience, then I say the hell with it and move on. I had two dates with a woman last week that just weren't much fun. She was hard to read as she was quiet and reserved, struggled to make eye contact, and we'd have these uncomfortable lulls in conversation. I'd be ready to call it a night but she'd pick the conversation right back up and that conversation would usually involve me talking about myself. But, que sera, I chalk that one up to experience.

 

Thank you, this is very helpful. It's kind of like having future me come back and give me advice to save me tons of future mistakes. And next time a date turns into an aggressive boring interview I will know to call it quits.

[Larry56]

1.) I tried the coffee date and it seemed pretty boring and it makes me anxious. It is more relaxing to get a drink or go somewhere nice and I feel I do better. I am going on another date with a girl on Saturday to go get a coffee and go on a walk through the botanical gardens. It seems like as another poster said, that activity dates will be more successful. Usually I pick a place near to where the girl lives (I ask for her general location) in a public place to make it safe and easy. I don't really like forcing a time limit. I would rather go with the flow, but not force the date longer than its natural finish.

 

As far as a picture goes, I have been told I look like a young Christian Bale to give you an idea, and I am in great shape with a similar physique to him, though not body builder status. I don't want to post a picture, since I am in a highly visible public position and I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't go around shirtless or trying to show off either.

 

How would you describe your dates. Are you going out with super physically attractive girls or average women.

[Johnny_Rico]

Sweetie players ACT like they care They lie to women telling them what they want to hear & opening up in fake ways. Whatever your problem with women, I highly doubt women think you are a player.

 

Players give good date & never have problems getting date # 2. They also easily lure women into bed with their promises. You are not a player.

 

The aloof closed off thing you got going on is the opposite of player. Women probably think you are not interested because you aren't stroking their egos.

 

So what can I do to make it seem to them I am interested? I feel like complimenting them too much can backfire. How can I "stroke their egos" without going overboard to enhance attraction. By the way, I mean no disrespect - everyone has an ego to some extent.

[Johnny_Rico]

How would you describe your dates. Are you going out with super physically attractive girls or average women.

 

They are more the girl next door type. I think most of them were attractive, but to put a gross demeaning label on them, they ranged probably from 7 to 8 out of 10. The date I have on Saturday from her photos would probably be around a 9. And I normally don't judge people like this so I am sorry if I offended anyone. I also try to go out with girls that seem to have a decent personality. They enjoy helping others, like animals, kind, etc. Those things make them jump to a 10 in my book.

[d0nnivain]

So what can I do to make it seem to them I am interested? I feel like complimenting them too much can backfire. How can I "stroke their egos" without going overboard to enhance attraction. By the way, I mean no disrespect - everyone has an ego to some extent.

 

Look at her when she speaks. Make eye contact. Be an active listener. Really concentrate on what she is saying & not so much on what you think you will reply. Don't worry about impressing her. Just listen. Ask follow up questions based on what she says.

 

For example, if you ask her about her favorite movie & she tells you it's Breakfast at Tiffany's, ask her follow up questions about Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard, or the store itself to show that you heard her. Don't talk over top of her especially if you are itching to tell her that you are fan of the Die Hard movies. If you don't know anything about the movie she names, ask her about the plot & what she likes about it or other movies she enjoys from that same genre.

 

Paying rapt attention to people is flattering & ego stroking without throwing out all sorts of empty compliments.