the disease of virginity

[despairingbuttrying]

I thought I'd share this with everyone - 'I'm sad that I didn't have sex until I was 37' - BBC News

 

About a week later there was a follow up article with men who has responded to the first article and story of Joseph - https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-44143003

 

Such truly sad, tragic stories of frustration, disappointment and overwhelming regret. Is there anything worse and more traumatic than the disease of virginity?? It's a truly tragic, virtually incurable predicament and not one that I would wish on anyone.

[d0nnivain]

Virginity is not a disease.

 

Social anxiety is a condition. It probably plays a role in 35+ year old virgins. It's not curable but it is manageable. Everybody who is shy or worried about making a good impression does not have a DSM-V diagnosis in need of professional care.

[carhill]

There are plenty of people looking for love who are not hate-filled. It would be a shame if we conflated whatever drove the Toronto attacker with people looking for a human need.

There is no right or entitlement to being loved or finding love, but looking for love is still a valid wish in life. Not having love is not anybody's fault, it's just circumstances.

 

Yup, lived it, no regrets. Very fortunate in life.

[Philosopher]

I think a lot of it will depend it on the individual. Some will be totally OK with it and may even choose to remain celibate their whole life. They may be asexual and have no desire for sex, they may have chosen celibacy for religious reasons or they may have decided sex and relationships are just not worth the hassle. For others it will though be a source of massive frustration.

 

As someone who was a virgin until quite late in life, I have found that being single becomes the norm and a result you get comfortable in that situation. The upside of this is being a virgin becomes easier to live with, the downside is that you can lose the motivation to change that situation.

 

If you are virgin later in life, I think ultimately it is best just to accept it and the circumstances that have led to it. If circumstances change for whatever reason, then great, however if they do not, then accepting it will ultimately make it easier to live with.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is there anything worse and more traumatic than the disease of virginity??

 

Well yes, there are a lot of things a lot more traumatic than this. I'm sure it is very frustrating, though .

[despairingbuttrying]

The reason why I started that thread is that I just found out my best mate who I've known from school since we were 15 finally lost his virginity last year. He's my age. Thing is he's only ever had one gf and I had assumed given that they were living together for a while. But he didn't kiss a girl (this same girl) until like he was like 30! So he's hardly had any experience (I've been with far more women) but he's finally crossed the line. Still a little difficult hearing that but as I said I had kinda of assumed anyway.

 

I say this because as a Christian from an early age I believed it was important to wait for sex and despite having relationships, I did....and although I've obviously done some things I've still never had intercourse. I feel nothing but shame, frustration and disappointment over missing out on something that is so significant in life. I will never be able to change the past. It is not only deeply shameful but unhealthy to be a virgin at almost 35. It is a horrible position to be in. That's why I deeply regret not having done this when I had the opportunities earlier in life with previous gfs but I guess it never felt right at the time / women I was with weren't right for me etc. And also my mindset was different, I saw sex as something to be avoided because of my faith and beliefs. I know I should not beat myself up over this but I think the point is that I never imagined I'd still be waiting NOW!!

If I knew that I'd still be in the same position, I know I would not have waited.

 

So I would say since around the age of 30 I have been what's called an INCEL. I have only had one proper relationship in my 30s and that didn't last too long at all (a few months) but I have dated on and off since then. I can never seem to find a mutual attraction after years of online dating and searching.

 

It's not something I can click into existence and I can't bring myself to visit an escort i.e. someone I will never see again and to pay in order to lose something I have been holding onto my entire life!! That would be even more traumatic than what I'm going through at the moment. At this stage I will simply settle for a woman who I can have some sort of relationship with and take things from there. I even went as far as putting up an ad on personal ads/classfied etc. just for this purpose. No responses yet.

 

Growing up I always imagined I'd meet someone great and settle down, have a family etc. and that would be it, it would just happen naturally - a seemingly average life. And people see average in a negative light. I would do anything to settle for average if average meant the above! Because right now I am far from being average, I am so far below average that I am a failure compared to most men.

 

So, at almost 35 now, maybe marriage isn't sadly a reality. I will just settle for a full sexual relationship, even if it's a brief one.

[carhill]

Think about the altar you're laying your life and health at. The altar of the vagina. I mean, really?

 

Again, I lived it. Did the virginity the girlfriends the wife thing. Ending analysis? A lot of time and energy for little more than reproductive drive and some validation along the way. Kudos to those for whom such comes like breathing. Live long and prosper.

[Mysterio]

I don't have sex on a regular basis. Nothing I can do about it. Its the way things are. When I am dating on a regular basis, its a different thing.

 

 

Being a virgin is not a life sentence. Either live with it. Or go see a Hooker on the side, or wait to get a GF or go out and scoop up a FWBenifit.

[HiCrunchy]

Virginity is a social construct. I wish people didn't let this made up label hold so much power and I wish society wasn't so hung up on it.

 

I always find it so weird that we have a word to define something that "hasn't been done".

 

Like we don't have words for people that "haven't eaten cake, or haven't sky dived" before, but for some reason society wants to make a label for people that haven't had sex before. Is so weird to me TBH.

[Pandoramix]

 

Such truly sad, tragic stories of frustration, disappointment and overwhelming regret. Is there anything worse and more traumatic than the disease of virginity?? It's a truly tragic, virtually incurable predicament and not one that I would wish on anyone.

 

Utter rubbish. First of all, people might lack partner for other reasons that "they are not manly enough". Lack of suitable partners, opportunities or simply way of life are typical reasons.

 

Second, it is all in your head. I would rather be proud, strong, honorable forever alone than smelly billy with huge beer belly but with a woman (that is equal to my qualities...). Point of view. I have not have woman in 8 years and I do not feel ashamed for it. Because I know I live life worthy of relationship, life just... didn't handled me one so far

[BaronChairman]

I'm about to mark my 37th year having never had sex. Here are my thoughts on this issue.

 

First of all, society has a weird hangup about people who have never had sex. We're the ones who get seen as the freaks and weirdos. But think of it this way: A person who has never had sex has never paid for sex, raped, lied, or tricked others just for sex. Yet, somehow we're the ones who end up getting backed into the corners and having to defend ourselves, all too frequently from people who HAVE done one or more of those things at some point.

 

Yes, I do want to have sex. My libido is frighteningly powerful, and I'm not going to be able to hold out forever.

[5x5]

I'm about to mark my 37th year having never had sex. Here are my thoughts on this issue.

 

First of all, society has a weird hangup about people who have never had sex. We're the ones who get seen as the freaks and weirdos. But think of it this way: A person who has never had sex has never paid for sex, raped, lied, or tricked others just for sex. Yet, somehow we're the ones who end up getting backed into the corners and having to defend ourselves, all too frequently from people who HAVE done one or more of those things at some point.

 

Yes, I do want to have sex. My libido is frighteningly powerful, and I'm not going to be able to hold out forever.

 

It is not the norm, since most people start having sex at a younger age.

 

That said for the most part society really doesn't care that some people never have sex. In fact once you are past a certain age, the default presumption between potentially consenting adults is that all involved have had sex before.

 

I'm not far off turning 47 and I went all the way sexually when I was 17. And have been with plenty of women since then, inclusive of being with my current (2nd) wife for the past 22 years.

 

Yet in no instance have I paid for sex, raped anyone, lied or tricked others into having sex at all. While I have also turned several offers of sex from plenty of other women as well for a variety of reasons through the last 31 years, which has also included turning down a few offers of virginity from the women involved from when I was 16.

 

You would do well to realise that for many people who share sex, they don't pay for it, use force, engage in deceit or undertake any other forms coercion in order to have it.

[Mysterio]

Sex is such a big deal. Have it in a loving relationship or not. Its up to you. If you really want to. See an escort and see if you can add sex to the table just to get it out of your system.

 

For me not having Sex for the last 6 yrs, is because I have not had a steady GF. Thats the only reason. The women around me are not that way for the most part. Unless your their BF/FWBenifit. Nothing happens or I am not in the

wrong social environment.

 

When I have Sex again. Its going to be with a woman that wants to be with me.

 

The way our lives are. We can't control everything. I am around people all the time. I just don't see the women around me, just hungering for Sex and Romance. Most Women I meet just seem aloof for the most part. Once in a while there is some romantic tension.

 

So the Virginity as a disease in your case. I don't think its a big deal. In the mean time. I hope you read up on Sex and how to pleasure a woman. Might as well know whats up, before you take the plunge. Also I would not advertise it as well.

[preraph]

Virginity is not a disease.

 

Social anxiety is a condition. It probably plays a role in 35+ year old virgins. It's not curable but it is manageable. Everybody who is shy or worried about making a good impression does not have a DSM-V diagnosis in need of professional care.

 

^This. From what I've seen on LS, with the few religious exceptions, it's always rooted in crippling social anxiety that they person refuses to go get treatment for and instead, they pull reason after reason why they're a virgin out of their hat, mostly blaming women for not talking to them or society for not accommodating them. My perception is that they are sitting around and they have one scenario in their head that if they could be the director and set everything up just so and make the woman just so and have her say and act just so to bolster them up, they think they could have sex.

 

Social anxiety needs to be treated, period. Virginity isn't a disease because it has a very simple remedy.

[warp123]

I'm about to mark my 37th year having never had sex.

 

In this hypersexualized society its normal that virgins get bashed on, they are seen as inferior because they cant have sex as often as "normal" people do.

 

Everybody more or less has their chances during lifetime, just one party night with alcohol and a needy ugly chick to put a silly example... i cannot even imagine all this time without sex. It comes to you sooner or later, virgin at your age you must be doing something really wrong.

 

Good for you that you have this code of not paying.

[BaronChairman]

 

Everybody more or less has their chances during lifetime, just one party night with alcohol and a needy ugly chick to put a silly example... i cannot even imagine all this time without sex. It comes to you sooner or later, virgin at your age you must be doing something really wrong.

 

Actually, I seem to be doing much more right these days than wrong, and I think my chances are ahead of me. But I ended up getting socially stunted while I was growing up because I have a birth defect, plus I was a weird kid with abnormal interests, and living in an uber-Irish neighborhood with all the religious sexual guilt that went with it didn't help. Basically, all the circumstances that could have gone wrong DID go wrong.

 

When all of that was finally expunged, I was in my 20's, but I had also turned into someone no woman in her right mind would want to have sex with. It took a few more years to make myself over and become a man with desirable qualities. Women are starting to take notice of me now.

[preraph]

Actually, I seem to be doing much more right these days than wrong, and I think my chances are ahead of me. But I ended up getting socially stunted while I was growing up because I have a birth defect, plus I was a weird kid with abnormal interests, and living in an uber-Irish neighborhood with all the religious sexual guilt that went with it didn't help. Basically, all the circumstances that could have gone wrong DID go wrong.

 

When all of that was finally expunged, I was in my 20's, but I had also turned into someone no woman in her right mind would want to have sex with. It took a few more years to make myself over and become a man with desirable qualities. Women are starting to take notice of me now.

 

That religious guilt can really mess a person up for enjoying sex. All it takes is one preacher or parent to suggest sex is dirty and you're stunted until you just reject their notions.

[gone_girl]

I'm quite socially anxious but not a virgin. Would certainly prefer to be a virgin and not socially anxious. Because the nice thing with being a virgin is that no one can tell (if this is what you are worried about). Even when you have sex for the first time, no one can tell.

[ElKay]

I was 26 and even if I didn't really mind, dating apps made me feel very self-conscious about it sometimes since some people answered on okcupid that they wouldn't date someone that was a virgin over 25.

I didn't feel different after that though. I still feel like an inexperienced shy gal.

[nospam99]

I was 26 and even if I didn't really mind, dating apps made me feel very self-conscious about it sometimes since some people answered on okcupid that they wouldn't date someone that was a virgin over 25.

I didn't feel different after that though. I still feel like an inexperienced shy gal.

 

One question on OKC that I found interestingly annoying was whether the person would marry someone without having sex with them first. While I'd prefer to have 'exploratory' sex before taking vows (and did when I was married), I don't consider it an absolute deal-breaker. Most of the women on OKC said they do. Go figure.

[ElKay]

One question on OKC that I found interestingly annoying was whether the person would marry someone without having sex with them first. While I'd prefer to have 'exploratory' sex before taking vows (and did when I was married), I don't consider it an absolute deal-breaker. Most of the women on OKC said they do. Go figure.

My first bf had the lowest drive in the world due to mostly health issues and, before then, I didn't think it was important to "test things out" before marriage... But after that, especially since we ran into so many problems, I feel like my answer to that question has in fact changed. Unless it's discussed in all honesty, it can be quite a risky venture to jump into a marriage with someone that says they're an asexual when you're not.

[preraph]

There are asexual people, and we need to be accepting of that. I've always wondered if some of the people who torment themselves and make excuses why they haven't had sex are maybe just asexual. But if they are, they shouldn't be pining away about it and torturing themselves over how to get a woman but should just admit they don't really care and be at peace.

[nospam99]

My first bf had the lowest drive in the world due to mostly health issues and, before then, I didn't think it was important to "test things out" before marriage... But after that, especially since we ran into so many problems, I feel like my answer to that question has in fact changed. Unless it's discussed in all honesty, it can be quite a risky venture to jump into a marriage with someone that says they're an asexual when you're not.

 

I fully agree with your last sentence. However there is a huge, substantive difference between discussing in depth and 'requiring a test drive'

 

For context for LSers who are not 'on' OKC, the question reads

 

Would you need to sleep with someone before you considered marrying them?

 

And the available answers are limited to Yes and No. Not the same question as

 

Would you need to sleep with someone before you married them?

 

nor the same question as

 

Would you need to fully understand someone's sexuality before you married them?

 

Finally, changing the word 'need' to 'want' in all three of the questions may change one's answer. The particularly 'sticky' case is that of a potential spouse who has religious and/or moral qualms about sex outside a marriage.

[No_Go]

I'd never understand why people make a big deal out of virginity. As long as you have SOME kind of sexual release (being with yourself or another person) it really is a non-issue...

 

I stayed virgin until 27 by choice and LOVED it. I mean loved the fact I didn't have to bother with relationships (I was busy with other stuff and not ready to get involved in one) and I had plenty of orgasms by myself so I didn't missed on anything really. After that I've been having more than enough sex with my partners, none of them had managed to exceed my drive (I think the record was 16 times in a weekend with one of the exes lol)

 

Plus you don't have to share you're a virgin - that's insane, we know what to do because it's a d*mn instinct, even for a woman the hymen perforation is quite easy to DIY. Unless someone asks very intrusively, they'll never know one is a virgin. They may suspect - so what? None of their business.

[nospam99]

I'd never understand why people make a big deal out of virginity.

 

NG, for a guy the big deal is pleasing your partner. At least in the 'industrialized west' of the 21st century, the feminism-conditioned male is expected to 'pleasure' the female as well as (secondarily) getting himself off. Given the variation on how that works from one women to the next, don't you agree that 'practice makes perfect'? So is virginity the disease or is the disease lack of sexual experience?