Asking people out at work - Etiquette?

[youngandhopeful]

I've got a question. What is the etiquette to asking a colleague out for a drink?

 

I'm not talking about a specific person I'm interested in here, but occasionally I'll see an attractive woman at work, and would like to see if there could be a spark there.

 

Clearly I'm not suggesting chatting up every woman in the office haha, but in those rare instances, is it acceptable to ask someone out for a drink from work?

[normal person]

You never know these days. If she likes you, it's probably fine. If she doesn't, you could be in some hot water, depending on where you live and your office culture. It probably depends on your company's policy. I'd definitely check with HR first to make sure.

[alphamale]

just say something like "um yea, would you like to catch happy hour at 'X' after work?"

 

X = your local watering hole

[preraph]

You need to read the company's employee manual because it may even be forbidden. In any case, you know finding someone, there's more that don't work out than do by far, so once one or the other of you wants to call it quits, it gets very ugly working with them. At best, awkward. At worst, can be excruciating or cost you your job.

[alphamale]

You need to read the company's employee manual because it may even be forbidden.

 

I have yet to work at an organization where at least one person wasn't banging another person

[basil67]

Personally, I would ascertain that there IS a spark before asking her on a date. This would involve getting to know her at work first.

[d0nnivain]

Hey you wanna go grab a drink? is ambiguous so IMO totally allowed. You keep it friendly & err on the side of professionalism.

 

Once outside of the office you probe their opinion about work place romance & you sort of get to know them on a personal level. From there you should be able to ascertain whether there's a mutual spark. If you are not 100% sure or at least 97% sure, keep it strictly professional so there is no awkwardness at work.

[preraph]

I have yet to work at an organization where at least one person wasn't banging another person

 

Me neither, and it usually didn't end well for the woman once it was over.

[Mysterio]

I think that if its in your own direct department where you have to interact with them. Then I would say no. You can find someone where they are not always around your imediate work space.

[JDJ]

The etiquette is that you do not do this. Not at all acceptable, especially these days.

[SevenCity]

The etiquette is that you do not do this. Not at all acceptable, especially these days.

 

Everyone is so afraid of nothing nowadays. If she reports to you, that is a bad idea.

 

Otherwise, asking a girl out is not sexual harassment. If you continue to ask her out after she says no or rub your crotch while you are asking, that would be a problem.

 

But as stated, if things don't work out it can suck having to see her everyday. Been there myself and it sucked royally.

 

If you want to be safe ask for lunch and see how that goes. I've stsrted most of my most meaningful relationships through work.

[alphamale]

Me neither, and it usually didn't end well for the woman once it was over.

 

indeed

[JDJ]

Everyone is so afraid of nothing nowadays. If she reports to you, that is a bad idea.

 

Otherwise, asking a girl out is not sexual harassment. If you continue to ask her out after she says no or rub your crotch while you are asking, that would be a problem.

 

But as stated, if things don't work out it can suck having to see her everyday. Been there myself and it sucked royally.

 

If you want to be safe ask for lunch and see how that goes. I've stsrted most of my most meaningful relationships through work.

 

And if she says yes? Then you have to arrange a clandestine meeting and worry forever after than she will report your behavior. If it does get out that you ogled her ankle, then you'll have to quit your job, if you're not fired first. It is soooo not worth it.

[ZA Dater]

Having been down this road once before I can tell you it is simply not worth it, irrespective of how nice the person is.

 

 

Very little upside in dating in the workplace. Which is a bit sad because its where most of us spend most of our time and yet its a completely useless place to foster any sort of relationship with anyone.

[CptInsano]

Couple of things to keep in mind.

 

- Work is somewhat of a safe space, people are more friendly and open. The company will likely retaliate if you breach this consensus. Figure out what exactly that company culture is.

 

- Since it is a safe space, don't be surprised if somebody finds you. Just keep your eyes open.

 

- That being said there are plenty of social functions where people meet. Work is still one of the primary places where couples meet. It's also pretty effective to meet the friends of co-workers. Even if you don't want to date somebody at work it doesn't mean you shouldn't find somebody through work.

 

- Don't date within your own department. No matter how you look at it, a conflict of interest is inherent.

 

Otherwise it is not all that different from finding somebody outside of work.

[normal person]

Everyone is so afraid of nothing nowadays. If she reports to you, that is a bad idea.

 

But you don't know if she will until after she does it.

 

Otherwise, asking a girl out is not sexual harassment.

 

https://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2017/11/daily-chart-14

 

Based on those findings, it looks like 10-20% of women in the US now do consider it harassment. So if you ask the wrong 1 or 2 people out of every 10, you could be in trouble. Luckily for OP, it sounds like he's in the UK where "getting a drink" doesn't have the sexual undertone it does here.

 

https://www.quora.com/Can-asking-someone-at-work-out-on-a-date-be-considered-sexual-harassment-if-she-rejects-you-and-ends-up-feeling-uncomfortable-with-you-asking

[HiCrunchy]

acceptable yes

 

My humble advice - "bro don't do it."

[CptInsano]

Based on those findings, it looks like 10-20% of women in the US now do consider it harassment. So if you ask the wrong 1 or 2 people out of every 10, you could be in trouble. Luckily for OP, it sounds like he's in the UK where "getting a drink" doesn't have the sexual undertone it does here.

 

I've been going out with coworkers for drinks for the last...I won't date myself. Anyhow, if you have at least somewhat of a rapport with these coworkers the danger is more likely that they will simply consider it a beer after work and nothing more. I don't think my boss would respond with anything but "You're paying!" if I asked her to meet me for drinks. A romantic interest or harrassment would be the last thing on her mind. (Well, she is also cheap and likes to drink.)

[guest569]

Another “no” vote. Unless you’re going as friends then just don’t do it. It’s inappropriate.

[guest569]

I've been going out with coworkers for drinks for the last...I won't date myself. Anyhow, if you have at least somewhat of a rapport with these coworkers the danger is more likely that they will simply consider it a beer after work and nothing more. I don't think my boss would respond with anything but "You're paying!" if I asked her to meet me for drinks. A romantic interest or harrassment would be the last thing on her mind. (Well, she is also cheap and likes to drink.)

 

But OP is interested romantically and I’m sure that would come across

[ZA Dater]

I think popular culture has us believe dating in the work place works, the reality is I could work but often doesn't because how do you separate work and life, you cant in reality so if anything in either sphere becomes broken the other side will suffer.

 

 

I adored a co worker, for 3 years we flirted each day, she lapped up the attention, I liked the attention I got but she was never single in that time. You can do something like that at work but again you carry a risk, you need to decided how the risk reward ratio works.

 

 

Where I think the risk is worth it is if you find someone really exceptional then its worth trying.

[CptInsano]

But OP is interested romantically and I’m sure that would come across

 

In my experience not necessarily, or definitely less than if you talked to a stranger. You have a good working relationship with your co-workers, so a certain amount of friendliness is assumed. If I asked the blonde across the hallway to go and grab a coffee it would mean absolutely nothing. We both drink coffee and talk as colleagues from time to time. She would take it at face value.

 

I think that's where a lot of confusion comes from when I see "mixed signals" threads about co-workers on this board, because you are expected to be friendly at work. The boundaries are not where they would be with complete strangers.

[SevenCity]

But you don't know if she will until after she does it.

 

 

 

https://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2017/11/daily-chart-14

 

Based on those findings, it looks like 10-20% of women in the US now do consider it harassment. So if you ask the wrong 1 or 2 people out of every 10, you could be in trouble. Luckily for OP, it sounds like he's in the UK where "getting a drink" doesn't have the sexual undertone it does here.

 

https://www.quora.com/Can-asking-someone-at-work-out-on-a-date-be-considered-sexual-harassment-if-she-rejects-you-and-ends-up-feeling-uncomfortable-with-you-asking

 

I met my ex wife, and my last two ex gfs at work. No one sued me and I didn’t get in any trouble.

 

Granted, the first ex dumped me while I was still working there and it was heart crushing. I was glad I didn’t work there after the second ex dumped me as I don’t think I could have handled it.

 

So yes, I wish I had not asked out my last ex (who brought me here) but only because I would like to erase the entire experience from my memory.

 

What’s nice about work is you know:

1) They have a job

2) Passed a background check

3) Have been drug tested

4) Can relate to your profession

 

I grant you that it is better to meet someone outside of work (if/when the RL fails), but it is an avenue that should not be completely dismissed.

 

We also don’t know how serious this job is. I wouldn’t tell a teenager working at a supermarket to worry if things don’t work out.

 

Also, just because a woman may think it’s sexual harassment, doesn’t make it true.

[guest569]

In my experience not necessarily, or definitely less than if you talked to a stranger. You have a good working relationship with your co-workers, so a certain amount of friendliness is assumed. If I asked the blonde across the hallway to go and grab a coffee it would mean absolutely nothing. We both drink coffee and talk as colleagues from time to time. She would take it at face value.

 

I think that's where a lot of confusion comes from when I see "mixed signals" threads about co-workers on this board, because you are expected to be friendly at work. The boundaries are not where they would be with complete strangers.

 

Good point, a coffee is a different matter entirely. If OP is talking about an alcoholic beverage at a bar then I think it changes things. For me, my close team go for a drink. If a guy from elsewhere in the office asked me and only me, I would assume he is interested romantically as it is sort of going a step further than a friendly colleague drink.

[d0nnivain]

Also, just because a woman may think it’s sexual harassment, doesn’t make it true.

 

Not exactly. The standard is how would a reasonable woman react to the behavior. If most women would be offended it's harassment. Just because the one woman is upset, doesn't make it actionable. The standard weeds out the outliers.

 

Most legal standards are how would a reasonable person perceive the behavior. Discrimination standards narrow the field to the perceptions of the designated class -- How would a woman react? How would a gay person react? How would a minority react? etc.