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How persistent should fat/ugly women be when pursuing men?


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Old 8th March 2018, 10:17 AM   #1
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How persistent should fat/ugly women be when pursuing men?

I'm a fat and ugly woman with a personality that many men have complimented me on, and I think I'd make a good partner. I also clean up decently well when needed, it's just not a habit of mine.

I'm 35 and have never been in a relationship, ever. I have given up on having a family, but I'd still like to love and be loved by my own person. My friends are great, but adult friendship takes the back burner to romantic partnerships and children, which almost all of my friends have. Also, I'm gradually realizing my friendships are stronger, better, and healthier when I don't rely on them for all of my emotional needs. So I'd like a partner and I think I'd make a good one.

Common wisdom, and my friends' advice, is to let things go when it comes to men. Firstly, they don't recommend that I make the first move. But no one is interested in me based on my appearance and I'm a very driven, go-getter type person (when motivated). So I began initiating with men in non-romantic ways, so that they could see my personality, and return the interest if they were so moved.

Generally, this means me reaching out via email/social media (ie, writing) over a common interest and trying to start a conversation. After about 2-3 messages, the man disappears. My friends told me to take that as a sign and move on. It hurts, but it's what I've been doing...for years. And I'm still single and still haven't been in a relationship.

Conversely, they're all either pretty or man magnets or both, so none of them have been single since high school, and they've never had a shortage of interested men (even though they're in relationships). I feel their advice is good for them, since there is no point fixating on one dude when there's going to be another one tomorrow, but my landscape is barren.

So my question is - should I more persistently pursue men until I get a literal 'no' instead of the implied 'no' of silence, or should I accept that I'm too gross for anyone to want to be with me? I'm actually trying to do the latter, but the thought of spending my life unloved, unloving, and untouched makes me feel a deep, painful hopelessness that scares me. But being 'positive' and 'optimistic' seems unrealistic.

Thoughts?
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:20 AM   #2
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And for add'l clarification:

- I'm not suggesting that a partner would or should fulfill all my emotional needs! More that I've realized different people and different roles combined, create a whole and healthy emotional landscape. That includes attending to some of my emotional needs by myself, regardless of how many friends or partners (ha) are in the picture.

- I reach out to men via writing because I usually meet interesting men in passing, at one-time events, and not in my routine daily life. If there were some in my routine, daily life, I would feel comfortable letting things unfold or not because it's much easier to gauge repeated in-person interactions.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:27 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by shoplocal View Post
I'm a fat and ugly woman with a personality that many men have complimented me on, and I think I'd make a good partner. I also clean up decently well when needed, it's just not a habit of mine.
You don't make it a habit to clean up? What does that mean?

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So my question is - should I more persistently pursue men until I get a literal 'no' instead of the implied 'no' of silence, or should I accept that I'm too gross for anyone to want to be with me?
Silence is "no." There is no reason for you to continue pushing it if a man isn't responding. When a man is interested, he will not ignore you.

What kind of men are you pursuing? Are they "fat and ugly" like you say you are? Unfortunately, men are very looks focused. Have you done anything to improve your appearance, like losing weight, make-up, hair, clothing?
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:36 AM   #4
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Hmm. Another fat woman here. I have a lot to say on this topic, but have to rush off to work, so will come back later. I feel bad that you feel the way you feel about men. Based on my own experience, I can tell you that there are indeed men who find fat women attractive, and they will pursue. Maybe we need to figure out a different approach for you.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:44 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by shoplocal View Post
So my question is - should I more persistently pursue men until I get a literal 'no' instead of the implied 'no' of silence, or should I accept that I'm too gross for anyone to want to be with me? I'm actually trying to do the latter....
Don’t wait for them to say no because in most cases guys are just going to ghost if their interest is elsewhere.

I bet you’re not ugly. If you slim down and get some good style tips, you’re going to get a LOT more attention and then you can let your personality shine! My gym is famous for a 21 day weight loss program and I’ve seen so many people transform their appearance in this short span of time. With good training, you can look a lot more fit, become healthier and have a huge confidence boost that will be very attractive. I think you should go down this route. Happy Women’s Day
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:50 AM   #6
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Be persistent and go after what you want..life's too short..

Don't buy into these people who think men and women should all be alike and only men should pursue.

Who caress if you get rejected you don't know these people..men go through it all the time..even good looking guys get rejected on cold approaches
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:55 AM   #7
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cats are a good alternative for male company
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:55 AM   #8
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Fat AND ugly? Oh my. That sounds really tough. There is a guy who works for me who is all about what a woman's face looks like. He literally doesn't care about her weight. He often finds himself with the BBW type. He himself is quite thin. Too thin.
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Old 8th March 2018, 11:11 AM   #9
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No matter. You can take the silence as a "no" or you can pursue and hear the word "no". It's still no, and men have no problem saying it to any woman they don't want, fat or thin.
I don't think pursuing (persistence) changes their mind, but seduction works. Here you need a good amount of self confidence. You don't need to be attractive by conventional standards, you just need to make the man believe he thinks you're attractive to him. I don't mean making it up with a good personality. I really mean physical attraction can be a BELIEF.
But you do need to set your standards not too high, it just works better when two people are more similar. In fact, you have a better chance with a man that looks like you. There's familiarity. If you look at many photos of married couples, you find they often share a certain similar look on the face, ie they look like a pair.
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:29 PM   #10
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Because you brought up "cleaning up," I'm just going to comment on that. There are people who leave the house and go to the store or whatever in very bad clothes and look like they just crawled out of bed. Whether man hunting or not, the first thing you need to do is clean up every single time you leave the house, and by clean up, I don't just mean shower and do your hair and a touch of makeup, which only takes 2 minutes, but never to leave the house in sweats or rubber thongs or any type of beat up shoe, and to put together an actual outfit and accessorize it so you look your best every time you head out the door. I have a feeling it is this more than you feeling unattractive that is putting people off. No one looks at a disheveled woman in pajama pants or sweats and horrible shoes and thinks "I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her."

And even if you end up with a man, you shouldn't just let yourself sit around looking your worst. It's just not that hard to put on a blouse instead of a t-shirt and dark jeans or pants instead of sweats or faded old jeans, and to make sure everything fits you properly. If you are short, hem your pants. There are plenty of clothes that are comfortable enough to lounge around in. For example leggings with a long tunic is just as comfortable as staying in your pajamas all day and looks neater. Makeup takes two minutes to highlight your eyes and put on some gloss. Take care of your hair. I'm an old fat lady and my hair is the best thing about me. Get a professional haircut you can maintain, but make sure it's feminine, preferably shoulder length or more. Guys like longer hair. Talk to a good stylist about whether your hair color is right for your complexion.

Remember men don't like women to dress like men. Wear something feminine, a v-neck blouse that shows just a little cleavage, and wear some costume jewelry or real jewelry so you look put together. You don't have to wear high heels unless you want to. There's so many dress flats out there now that will go with anything, or little boots. If you have a waist at all, wear clothes that show your waist, even if it's not small but just that you have one. Men are attracted instinctively to the shape of a woman. So show your shape instead of hiding it with boxy baggy clothes and highlight the best parts.

You said yourself you clean up real well, so do that each time you leave the house. Start every day by showering and putting on a dab of makeup and then you are ready for whatever comes up. It's hard to establish a relationship just running errands, but you might start seeing someone repeatedly and start saying hi.

And then of course, you need to stay active in all your interests because that's where you might meet someone you have something in common with. Put yourself in situations where you'll see the same people over and over and that's how you make friends and people get used to you and like you. Join a bowling league or take up a sport. Get involved in community. You sound social, so work that. Go to neighborhood gatherings, church, political or police gatherings and mingle. Volunteer doing something you'd enjoy and meet all kinds of people doing that, good people. Dress kids for prom or begin fostering for pet rescues. Volunteer your time at the zoo or at church or teaching English or fixing computers.

The worst that could happen is you meet some new acquaintances, and you never know. I'm old, fat and ugly, and I'm not looking, but I have no problem getting people and men to chat it up with me.

I'm not for pushing on someone you can tell isn't interested. If he's interested, you'll know.
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:40 PM   #11
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I doubt seriously you are ugly. There is something attractive about everyone. I see people who most wouldn't consider beautiful getting married all the time. Unless you have unreasonably high expectations there are men who will be attracted to you. Make hygiene and personal appearance a "habit" and smile.
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Old 8th March 2018, 2:48 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shoplocal View Post
I'm a fat and ugly woman with a personality that many men have complimented me on, and I think I'd make a good partner. I also clean up decently well when needed, it's just not a habit of mine.
One can quantify fat with numbers but ugly is in the realm of perception and varies widely. I usually apply the 'Lovett test' on that, respecting the one-time marriage of Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.
Quote:
I'm 35 and have never been in a relationship, ever. I have given up on having a family, but I'd still like to love and be loved by my own person. My friends are great, but adult friendship takes the back burner to romantic partnerships and children, which almost all of my friends have. Also, I'm gradually realizing my friendships are stronger, better, and healthier when I don't rely on them for all of my emotional needs. So I'd like a partner and I think I'd make a good one.
Sounds familiar. I was still a virgin at 35, though I'd dated plenty and had a few girlfriends. I was waiting for a serious LTR or marriage. A whole bunch of stuff happened between 35 and 41 when I did get married, none of which I could have ever envisioned at 35. The future is unknown, generally.

Quote:
Common wisdom, and my friends' advice, is to let things go when it comes to men. Firstly, they don't recommend that I make the first move. But no one is interested in me based on my appearance and I'm a very driven, go-getter type person (when motivated). So I began initiating with men in non-romantic ways, so that they could see my personality, and return the interest if they were so moved.
I tend to agree with your friends/family and would suggest leaving the go-getter stuff for your career. Connect with your feminine side for attracting men.

Quote:
Generally, this means me reaching out via email/social media (ie, writing) over a common interest and trying to start a conversation. After about 2-3 messages, the man disappears. My friends told me to take that as a sign and move on. It hurts, but it's what I've been doing...for years. And I'm still single and still haven't been in a relationship.
IMO, real life will work better for you than electronic means. Also, consider your demographic. If it's swimming in women and men are sparse, tough row to hoe. If women are in demand, far easier time of it.


Quote:
Conversely, they're all either pretty or man magnets or both, so none of them have been single since high school, and they've never had a shortage of interested men (even though they're in relationships). I feel their advice is good for them, since there is no point fixating on one dude when there's going to be another one tomorrow, but my landscape is barren.
People know what they know when they know it. However, just as I did when striking out on the LTR field, watch successful women and learn from them and apply to your circumstances.

Quote:
So my question is - should I more persistently pursue men until I get a literal 'no' instead of the implied 'no' of silence, or should I accept that I'm too gross for anyone to want to be with me? I'm actually trying to do the latter, but the thought of spending my life unloved, unloving, and untouched makes me feel a deep, painful hopelessness that scares me. But being 'positive' and 'optimistic' seems unrealistic.

Thoughts?
I'll share some tips from the lady I married, whom I always thought was cute (part of why I married her) but definitely realized she was fat (was when we met, was when we divorced, weight having nothing to do with that)....

1. Always put your best foot forward. If that means getting help with your image, even paid help, cool, do that. Make looking your best a habit. Not fake, but rather the best you.

2. Release your inhibitions. Enjoy your sexual thoughts and feelings about men and let that show. Practice that. Not obvious stuff but in your mind. Present an open and sexual aura. That may not come naturally. It takes practice and focus.

The lady I learned that, and a lot of other stuff from managed to take her weight and looks and enjoy at least three men as husbands (I was the last) and was continuously with a man since she was 18 or so (her first M was at 21). While we were D'ing, she moved the guy she's been living with now for about 8 years in and didn't miss a beat. Short, overweight, lousy childhood, cute face, go-getter like you. Oh, also, tip #3, relish sex. There's little sexier than a woman who likes sex. She may not like the guy but she enjoys the ride. Guys want to be with her.

Decades ago the woman who gave me life was single many years, didn't get married until around your age and had me when she was 37. The outside was pretty enough to get her into print ads but still the road to marriage was tough, especially when peers were marrying in their teens. Long life, enjoy the ride, the end never goes well.
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:21 PM   #13
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Some of my better "sexcapades" was with a heavier woman.

Now my wife approaching 40 is getting heavier. she works out and is actively trying to get fit, but still she is extremely beautiful.. She carries herself well, dresses appropriately and doesn't over-do it.

Most MEN by 35 and older really are into partners inside and out. Not just magazine covers....
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:06 PM   #14
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Preraph, I agree that small changes and effort to your appearance can give you a bit of a boost - but not a complete overhaul as that would be changing who you are. You have to have your own style and go with it. To get all dolled up and put together a stunning outfit just to grab some milk and bread just seems ridiculous to me, but other women may like to. And likewise some men will not even notice/care about your outfit, and others will.

Also OP, what are your online communication skills like when you're pursuing these men? Do you ask them questions about themselves? What could you do to keep your interest? I definitely agree with your friends who suggested to move on if the conversations fizzle out. I don't think anyone should have to try very hard or persistently to get a date / relationship. There are occasions where the hard work paid off, but move on and find someone that wants to go out with you. They're out there.
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Old 9th March 2018, 12:25 AM   #15
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I'm sure you've heard this advice over and over again in your lifetime but have you considered losing weight?


You said so yourself, you want to be liked by men, you want to be in a relationship, you're tired of being written over and passed off.


Now i'm going to give you some bad news. The majority of men do not find obese women attractive. A bunch of men using online dating were surveyed and the #1 biggest fear that a man had before going on a first date was that the woman was going to end up fat. And yeah you can say that some men arne't going to care about your weight, but let's be honest the majority of men are going to care.


But don't let this discourage you because now i'm going to give you some good news. Weight can be changed, you can lose a ton of weight. It will be hard work yes, it will be painful yes, but by making the changes to your weight, you will be able to potentially attract more men thus improving your dating options.


There's this story of a girl I knew back in high school. She was super fat and super obese. She decided to make it her goal to lose a bunch of weight when she was in her twenties, now she looks a lot better. She even has a boyfriend now.


You should make it your goal this year. Lose a bunch of weight, do everything in your power to lose weight. Go to the gym, eat healthier foods, get surgery, do whatever takes until you are within a normal weight change. And let the fact that you want a boyfriend be your motivation to do it.
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