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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 22nd February 2018, 11:39 AM   #1
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Am I crazy?

In search of clarity.

I lost a couple family members last year and have been having a hard time of it. No one reached out to me for the longest time, but now...

My ex-brother in law has been contacting me on FB. Offering to help me if I need it, giving me his phone number, wanting to come for coffee, wanting to take me for drives...

This feels very odd. He married my sister when they were quite young and I, who am significantly younger than my sister as the youngest in the family, was only in kindergarten at the time. They were married for 20 plus years, had 5 kids, and now have been divorced for at least another 20. We live close to each other but I haven't seen him in forever except on FB where he's on my friends list.

I feel like he's chasing me. I tell myself he's just being nice because I lost two family members and have no one left anymore because of family dysfunction. But... it feels weird. He's single and living alone... I can't help but wonder...

This began shortly after I lost dad at the end of May of last year, but he's been getting increasingly persistent in messaging me trying to secure a time to get together. What do you think of this? Is he just being kind or does he want something more? Not sure how to frame this or how to respond to this situation.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 2:19 PM   #2
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There's no way anyone here can read his mind, especially without knowing him or having a better understanding of his history, the circumstances, etc. You'll just have to use your best judgment. Best of luck.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 4:46 PM   #3
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Is your sister still living where you can ask her what he might be up to? I would just say usually assume a man is interested romantically, and you certainly can't go there if he was once your sister's. Ask her and she'll know if he's flirting or not. But just tell him you don't feel it would be appropriate to see him if that's your best instinct. He probably is hitting on you.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 10:09 PM   #4
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Is your sister still living where you can ask her what he might be up to? I would just say usually assume a man is interested romantically, and you certainly can't go there if he was once your sister's. Ask her and she'll know if he's flirting or not. But just tell him you don't feel it would be appropriate to see him if that's your best instinct. He probably is hitting on you.
My sister and I don't talk. She's a narcissistic, abusive person. Hates me for being alive.

That's why I have no one now since my parents both passed away and I lost the only sister I had a relationship with.

That's what makes this all the more unnerving. Surely he knows it would cause WWIII if he and I were seen around this small town together, not because my sister should care... she's married again and has been for years... but she's turned her kids against me as well... they would all be up in arms if I were to date him. I have no romantic interest in him at all, but can't help but wonder what he's up to. Surely he'd be aware of the consequences. I mean, of all women, why does he want ME??
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Old 22nd February 2018, 11:18 PM   #5
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I have no romantic interest in him at all, but can't help but wonder what he's up to.
If you have nothing to gain by obliging him for whatever he wants, why not just ignore him or decline? If it sounds like trouble and the only outcome is negative, why not just avoid it entirely?
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Old 22nd February 2018, 11:28 PM   #6
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Imo, he wants something more. You sense he's chasing you so he probably is. Also, his continuing to try to connect with you is a sign of personal interest in you.

Has he told you of any reason he wants to meet with you? In your place, I'd need to have a pretty good reason to meet up with him.

Btw, I'm so sorry about the loss of your family and also that your sister is a narcissist.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 11:36 PM   #7
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I would just ask straight up if there's a specific reason he wants to see you. It seems odd that he'd be romantically interested in you all of a sudden after such a long time. You say your sister is unpleasant, perhaps it's something to do with her that he wants to speak to you about.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 12:39 AM   #8
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My sister and I don't talk. She's a narcissistic, abusive person. Hates me for being alive.

That's why I have no one now since my parents both passed away and I lost the only sister I had a relationship with.

That's what makes this all the more unnerving. Surely he knows it would cause WWIII if he and I were seen around this small town together, not because my sister should care... she's married again and has been for years... but she's turned her kids against me as well... they would all be up in arms if I were to date him. I have no romantic interest in him at all, but can't help but wonder what he's up to. Surely he'd be aware of the consequences. I mean, of all women, why does he want ME??
Well that actually makes it a lot easier. Your sisters probably pissed you even have each other on social media. You don't get along with your sister and I assumed don't want interaction with her so you certainly don't want it with her ex. He probably sees you as someone who will sympathize with him because he knows you don't get along with the sister. He might even be trying to use you to get back at her some way.

My best advice is very simple, and that is to tell him you don't want to have any more ties to your sister or anyone who was in her life. If you want just say no I don't want to get in the middle, don't want to get involved, don't like to think about it. You might ought to get him off your social media. You wouldn't have to do it right this minute but maybe see how this news sits for a couple of months and then quietly get off his social media and block him from yours or at least from the bulk of it where he can have any info about you .
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Old 23rd February 2018, 12:48 AM   #9
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I would just ask straight up if there's a specific reason he wants to see you. It seems odd that he'd be romantically interested in you all of a sudden after such a long time. You say your sister is unpleasant, perhaps it's something to do with her that he wants to speak to you about.
This thought has crossed my mind as well. I'm really torn as to what to do. Meet him once for coffee I guess, and find out. ?

His sister and I are the same age and when we were young we were buddies. Went to school together and were in the same grade. We're still friends, the friendship rekindled just recently.... I've met with her on a couple of occasions and she filled me in on what my sister did to her when I was living away... it was a full scale attack to try to ruin her self esteem and reputation... tried to make her think the whole town was against her. I was horrified but not surprised. I can't help but wonder if there's still more to the story and maybe he wants to tell me or warn me about something... perhaps something is going on behind my back that concerns me this time that I don't know about...

I really don't know. I guess I should just ask him. Just don't know how to word it so it doesn't come out sounding suspicious or rejecting just in case he really is just trying to be kind.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 12:53 AM   #10
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If the guy had reached out and offered to talk or something one day, I would think nothing of it. Just a guy being nice and supportive. You say he has been trying to nail a time to actually get together in person, so like you, I think the guy is chasing you. People will use any excuse they can to get together when they are interested.

I am a bit put off by the fact this guy was married to your sister. I would never pursue my ex's sister. That is just bad business.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 1:02 AM   #11
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Well that actually makes it a lot easier. Your sisters probably pissed you even have each other on social media. You don't get along with your sister and I assumed don't want interaction with her so you certainly don't want it with her ex. He probably sees you as someone who will sympathize with him because he knows you don't get along with the sister. He might even be trying to use you to get back at her some way.

My best advice is very simple, and that is to tell him you don't want to have any more ties to your sister or anyone who was in her life. If you want just say no I don't want to get in the middle, don't want to get involved, don't like to think about it. You might ought to get him off your social media. You wouldn't have to do it right this minute but maybe see how this news sits for a couple of months and then quietly get off his social media and block him from yours or at least from the bulk of it where he can have any info about you .
I do want to keep ties with his sister... she went through hell with what my sister did to her and so we both have suffered at her hands, and the hands of her kids. And I've missed this friend. We were good friends for a long time and practically grew up together and she's still proving to be the same person I once knew. Considering how she feels about my sister herself I know she'd never betray me to her.

As for social media... my sister has never been on FB. Her kids are, but none of them are on my FB and I have them all blocked.

My life is very lonely right now and I have so few people who have reached out to me. If I make assumptions I might lose some much needed support. I doubt he talks much to my sister as she has another husband and their marriage ended on bad terms although, I don't think he's bitter about it. I just don't know what to think.

All I know is, it's easy to overthink this and start scaring myself with all sorts of possible scenarios. But it bothers me that he's not worried about stirring the pot when there's been so much bad blood already between me and my sister and her and his kids.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 1:10 AM   #12
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Well, your recently reconnecting and being friends with his sister certainly casts a new light on this for me.

Would it be comfortable to ask him to meet with you and his sister both. Or maybe ask him if it's something the two of you can talk about on the phone? And then just have one conversation, guarding against it developing into more?

Seems to me one convo with him isn't concerning. I would just be cautious against developing an ongoing friendship with a man that much older than you are at your age.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 1:16 AM   #13
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This thought has crossed my mind as well. I'm really torn as to what to do. Meet him once for coffee I guess, and find out. ?
I really don't know. I guess I should just ask him. Just don't know how to word it so it doesn't come out sounding suspicious or rejecting just in case he really is just trying to be kind.
Sounds like a good idea. It can't hurt.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 1:31 AM   #14
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Im sorry for your losses Fair. Its sad no one reached out to you but at least you know now who your real friends are. I can understand why youd be tempted to see him and seek some comfort but this can only cause drama and I would keep some distance if I were you.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 6:27 AM   #15
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He probably wants to hurt his ex (your sister) by getting with her much younger sister (you.)

Or he wants the drama of two women fighting because of him.

Or he thinks that you are emotionally vulnerable right now because of the deaths in your family and thinks that you may be more willing to sleep with him or give him money or something because of loneliness.

Just avoid him is my advice.
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