LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > In Search Of...

Am I committing some OLD Faux pas?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

Like Tree5Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 20th February 2018, 4:53 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 685
Am I committing some OLD Faux pas?

So I've tried snapping out of my gf-less past in the past few months using OLD, using both traditional websites and apps such as Tinder. I've gotten a handful of matches on Tinder, and about a 1-in-10 response rate on sites, so not great, but not bad either. I've actually gotten about 10 "yes" answers to dates, but a couple days before hand when I ask "are we still on for [date place and time]?" she says "no". I've tried getting around it a couple of times by not asking so she has to initiate any cancellations, and got stood up both times (good thing they were both in park-type areas, not restaurants, so I didn't end up losing money and was able to look like I was just out for a walk).

Anyone have any idea what I'm doing wrong? Is it just bad luck? Or is OLD really that bad?
JustGettingBy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 5:02 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 28,015
I always though OLD was in fact that bad.


To avoid getting stood up I would expect confirmation of the date. The ones where you didn't confirm ironically probably didn't show because you didn't confirm. I can't explain why the other ones changed their minds but no it's not a breech of etiquette to confirm.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 5:32 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 19,178
Also, if you're having them meet you in a park, that's a bit scary. In front of the restaurant would be better, so it's public. You don't have to go in that way if they don't show up.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 5:56 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Also, if you're having them meet you in a park, that's a bit scary. In front of the restaurant would be better, so it's public. You don't have to go in that way if they don't show up.

They were busy walking parks, so people would've been able to see us, but I guess I could try for in front of a restaurant.
JustGettingBy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 6:02 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: upstate New York
Posts: 416
Forget Tinder. It is, by reputation, the worst zoo of all the zoos that are OLD.

How many messages are you exchanging with these women before you schedule an in person meeting? How good a friendly rapport do you establish? Do you speak to them on the phone before the meeting? Does their tone of voice sound really interested? How enthusiastic is the content of the messages and phone calls?
nospam99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 6:43 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New York City
Posts: 1,993
Don't suggest meeting in a park. Get drinks and/or food. Aside from the relative weirdness and/or safety concerns of meeting in a park, food/drinks guarantees

1). she at least gets something free and enjoyable for her time spent in the event that she doesn't like you, and
2). that you're not a bum and can spend a few dollars on her, because if you won't, someone else will.

Best of luck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
Forget Tinder. It is, by reputation, the worst zoo of all the zoos that are OLD.
I disagree, it "feels" bad just to swipe people based on what they look like, but I've never found anyone on it to be less than responsive. If no one responded and the ap didn't work, they'd be out of business.

Last edited by normal person; 20th February 2018 at 6:45 PM..
normal person is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 7:45 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 4,983
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustGettingBy View Post
So I've tried snapping out of my gf-less past in the past few months using OLD, using both traditional websites and apps such as Tinder. I've gotten a handful of matches on Tinder, and about a 1-in-10 response rate on sites, so not great, but not bad either. I've actually gotten about 10 "yes" answers to dates, but a couple days before hand when I ask "are we still on for [date place and time]?" she says "no". I've tried getting around it a couple of times by not asking so she has to initiate any cancellations, and got stood up both times (good thing they were both in park-type areas, not restaurants, so I didn't end up losing money and was able to look like I was just out for a walk).

Anyone have any idea what I'm doing wrong? Is it just bad luck? Or is OLD really that bad?
Well, I think the answer is in the bolded.

With OLD, Tinder especially, it really is all about *momentum*. Do you realize how much attention women in particular get on there? Anyway setting up a date several days into the future, letting it sit, and then checking in with the woman a couple days beforehand 'to see if you're still on' is just No Bueno. By then she will already be chatting with someone else.

Set up your dates for within 48 hours. If you really cannot meet up for several days then keep in touch, at least via text if not a phone call.
__________________
You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 20th February 2018 at 7:49 PM..
Imajerk17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th February 2018, 11:06 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by normal person View Post
Don't suggest meeting in a park. Get drinks and/or food. Aside from the relative weirdness and/or safety concerns of meeting in a park, food/drinks guarantees

1). she at least gets something free and enjoyable for her time spent in the event that she doesn't like you, and
2). that you're not a bum and can spend a few dollars on her, because if you won't, someone else will.

Best of luck.

Okay, that explanation makes more sense. I'll try that now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
Well, I think the answer is in the bolded.

With OLD, Tinder especially, it really is all about *momentum*. Do you realize how much attention women in particular get on there? Anyway setting up a date several days into the future, letting it sit, and then checking in with the woman a couple days beforehand 'to see if you're still on' is just No Bueno. By then she will already be chatting with someone else.

Set up your dates for within 48 hours. If you really cannot meet up for several days then keep in touch, at least via text if not a phone call.
Alright, I think this is my problem. Should I ask for her number right after she agrees to a date?
JustGettingBy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st February 2018, 9:25 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 167
I'm experiencing similar OP and to be honest talking with friends even relatives, it's a mixed bag but I think the detached nature of online and constant flow of people, leaves people being flaky and losing interest all to easily.

Over the past few years I've had 5-8 dates from OLD to mixed results, but a hell of a lot more matches and talking with, planning dates which didn't happen. I wouldn't necessarily say any one app is much worse than the other by huge degrees.

My only tips would be ask what they're up-to the coming few days which is general chatter, then gauge an invitation to meetup.

Lately I've found a few girls are just so busy it seems pointless even chasing or asking. My sister once said that she had about 10 matches, 3 she's planned dates with, and she bailed on all as she lost her nerve. This was insightful. That and talking to others, just not taking the leap are key factors. So most of the time I try to have a call to make it a bit more personal than texts.

I experienced something recently which just re-assured how not mad I am. I text a girl the day of the date. She was stuck at work and felt terrible, also wasn't sure if I'd flake as we hadn't spoke for a few days. She got back around 9:30 but was going on holiday 2 days later. She was really apologetic and said she hates people flaking but felt she was now being that way, only because she expected me to flake. Ironic. I said it was really re-assuring for her to feel bad, not to worry, had a nice chat, and said lets meet after your holiday.

What's so hard about that? People have lost all decency with online interaction as long as there's no loss for them. Bailing on someone period is bad and I'm less inclined to have any more contact with them unless they do the work. Otherwise it's just encouraging this cyclical way of meaningless contact, attempted dates and people thinking it's okay to plan dates and not show up. Bail on those people and try to have a brief phone or video call if you are texting a lot.
BryanSmiley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 7:05 AM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Europe
Posts: 2
Some advise from an older woman in my 50s. I have visited these dating apps merely out of curiosity. I was bombarded with messages from males ranging all the way from 19 to late 50s. I think after seeing so many messages and getting so much attention, women stop taking any of it seriously, unless they are really needy for attention types out there to validate themselves. There are probably the narcissistic types as well also just enjoying getting their egos strocked. Ive read in psychology web pages that it is the Avoidant Attachment/Insecure Attachment/ Anxious Attachment types (do research on this as you will then understand people so much more clearly) that use these sites and so you are very likely not going to find an emotionally secure person this way. My teenage daughter is just beginning to date, and Im encouraging her to find a boyfriend that develops from a base of friendship/common interest through her kick boxing club, or her passion for playing piano. I think via sports is the natural, healthy way to meet people, not dating sites.

Last edited by Angell; 27th February 2018 at 7:09 AM..
Angell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 7:31 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,089
I agree w imajerk. Make your dates for same night, next night at the latest. I'm a woman and whenever I've made plans ahead of time, the guys flake. We all continue swiping while we're chatting and its so easy to find someone more exciting even if its just because they are newer match.

And I think tinder is the bomb. Happy tindering!
grays is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 3:39 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 66
OLD is really that bad. I was stood up also and not in a park.

Sometimes I think the potential date will check you out from a distance then if she does not like what she sees, she goes back home. I am not recommending this--because it is rude!
LuckyM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 5:45 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 43
I've probably had like 50-100 matches since I've gotten Tinder and only actually met a dozen women. I've had a couple "hook-ups" but they are rather rare, even though that's what Tinder is supposed to be for. Only about 1% of women start the conversation. Women in big cities and near the east coast are way cooler (sorry everybody else). Pay for the premium version and just swipe right non-stop, don't waste your time.

Most younger women are hopeless romantics or insecure fools, sorry. Don't waste your time on either my friend. I hate flirting, so instead I see it more as a fun game. Who can talk about a particular subject overtly the best? That's how you win. Start the convo by bugging or teasing her lightly, never say anything direct, pretend as if you are talking about someone else, never give yourself away in a sense, "I might be interested..."maybe someone I know might like this. "oh i'm sure he can think of a few things..." Play the stupid flirt game they want to play and you will probably win.

I usually meet in a restaurant. It's easier if you invite them to your place, especially if you have a nice place in a good neighborhood. And you can show off your cooking skills.

As far as flakes go I have a 1 strike policy. Be kind but don't let it happen again, and don't minimize your feelings. If they cancel for a legitimate reason then that's just life, you shouldn't take this app too seriously. Don't get upset, sometimes women will test you this way too.

I personally hate online dating, it's terrible. Women catfish too, heck last week I met a girl and things seemed great, she invited me over, wasn't there, and a van showed up. I left asap, but I feel like I almost got jumped. Play it very safe my friend, your best luck is when you go out to always sit at the bar (never a table), and never shy away from eye contact. Good luck.
cabbageman is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
OLD Faux Pas Procrastinat0r In Search Of... 5 24th October 2013 8:32 PM
Considering Committing Myself Nohbody Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 6 19th June 2012 11:53 AM
Committing without approval SouthernCalif Marriage & Life Partnerships 3 25th April 2011 1:20 PM
Bit of a FAUX PAS 2sure Parenting 70 15th August 2009 2:05 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:47 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.