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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 19th February 2018, 11:01 PM   #16
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Cookies, at one point in my life I went to a wise therapist. I think I went to him two or three times at the most, as I got so much from him each time I went.

One thing he told me was that I had too many men in my life that I knew weren't "the one." He told me never mind that I wasn't kissing or sleeping with them. They were all calling, giving gifts, emailing, taking up my time and he told me that they were all taking little pieces of myself away from me so that I was scattered all around and confused. That I needed to quit dating and just wait for the one man that God had for me. I did that for a long time and it was the best time of my life.

During that time I waited six years for a man that I thought was God's plan for me. I heard from him now and again, and saw him a few times during that time, but most of the time I waited in silence, dated no one, convinced this guy was the one for me because of the way he'd come into my life, the fact I was crazy about him and he felt the same about me, and he was very spiritual.

I began to pray much longer each day than I ever had and was reading the Bible for long periods of time trying to find out how to control God, basically! Ha! How I could get God to do what I wanted Him to which was get me that man!

What happened for me during that time was that I got to know God in a way I never had before because I was spending so much time in prayer and reading the Bible. I could write a book on that time period and may some day as it was so awesome!

Long story medium (lol, not short!) the guy married someone else without even telling me! But, the wonderful thing was that I had grown so much as an individual during that time that I would never be the same again. I had felt the love of God deeply and clearly which gave me a clarity and sense of supreme value and purpose that I'd never had before. I wouldn't take anything for that time of my life. God used it powerfully for me.

I have a sense that you'd benefit greatly from a time such as that and would emerge the beautiful butterfly you were created to be at the end of it. It may be that you're just not quite ready to come out of your cocoon and all of these men you're meeting on OLD are trying to force you out, but you're holding back because you know you're not ready yet.

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 19th February 2018 at 11:03 PM..
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Old 19th February 2018, 11:31 PM   #17
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Wow... you all hit the nail on the head... everyone had valid points. I don’t even know who to quote and wish we could give more likes. Thank so much you guys for sharing. It really did make me feel a bit better. You guys are good. You really understand. I need to take some time to work on myself again... I’m far from date worthy at the moment. I think the ex might have to do with it too. Thank you again... This community means so much to me. :’)
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Old 20th February 2018, 1:05 AM   #18
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Ty for your thoughtful response and kind words, ZA. I connect with your posts a lot because I felt before we had similar problems. You seem like a really intelligent person. Maybe too much so for your own good

The reason I asked you and your thread if you really deep down wanted a relationship is because I know youíve been single most of your life like me. It gets to a point where you become very comfortable being single. You really donít know what youíre missing out on, if anything? Itís more theoretical. You become somewhat picky and set in your ways. This unavailablity can manifest itself as struggles finding someone. When youíre actually faced with the decision, one that will drastically change your life, you may find that you really donít want to seriously date at all. Itís really jarring to go from becoming comfortably single to being with someone almost all of the time and devoting so much energy to them. I think thatís what makes me panic. I mean a lot of people get swept up in lasted infatuation and like being with someone all the time, but after all that fades away, love is actually quite a burden/responsibility. It becomes something you have to put lots of energy into to sustain. I think unless you really want it, it falls apart

This person was willing to wait, but do you think thatís fair to a person? Thatís why I cut it off. Because I hate that line ďletís go slow and see what happensĒ. How do you know your feelings will ever get stronger?. You donít know.I was thinking maybe Iíd never want to commit. Then Iíd just have strung him along/wasted his time. Iím worried about doing that to the next person I date. Thatís why I am afraid of dating. But I donít want to stop dating


There are a lot of interesting questions!


Perhaps for you, like me you might meet just one person who makes you re evaluate if you want to be single, a person who you really want to date. I don't think you have found that person yet.


You do become comfortable being single but it just takes one person for you to question that idea and ultimately even the most single people around do actually want someone at some level.


As you say, you need to absolutely want it and the person you need to absolutely want them, there needs to be that connection you feel towards them.


I think it would be fair to go slow with a guy, if I met someone I really like and she asked me to go slow I'd be happy to do just that because the friend part is important and the glue that binds everything together. Which is why I have said if you can be friends with someone chances are you could date them.


If I were you I would continue dating, nothing ventured nothing gained, you might meet someone really dynamic who causes you to re assess everything. These people do exist.
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Old 20th February 2018, 7:59 AM   #19
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Wow... you all hit the nail on the head... everyone had valid points. I donít even know who to quote and wish we could give more likes. Thank so much you guys for sharing. It really did make me feel a bit better. You guys are good. You really understand. I need to take some time to work on myself again... Iím far from date worthy at the moment. I think the ex might have to do with it too. Thank you again... This community means so much to me. :í)

Yeah , l must've said it about 100 times round here why do people just date date date. it seems so ridiculous to me and you can see right there in their posts they're just all jumbled up and completely lost touch.

So yep ,agree 110% , back off and just live for awhile , no need to push it, it'll do you the world of good.
Good luck.
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Old 20th February 2018, 8:38 AM   #20
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Wanting a relationship doesn’t mean you want an instant relationship right now with the first guy you go out with. Just relax and keep it light and fun. You will want a relationship when the right person comes along. I probably would have felt a bit pressured and put off in your shoes too from what you have posted about the interactions with that guy.
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Old 20th February 2018, 5:40 PM   #21
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This may not be you, Cookie, but I thought it was an interesting perspective and video on dating that most of us could benefit from in some way...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzDPbrrTQys
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Old 20th February 2018, 7:35 PM   #22
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Wow... you all hit the nail on the head... everyone had valid points. I don’t even know who to quote and wish we could give more likes. Thank so much you guys for sharing. It really did make me feel a bit better. You guys are good. You really understand. I need to take some time to work on myself again... I’m far from date worthy at the moment. I think the ex might have to do with it too. Thank you again... This community means so much to me. :’)
I thought you already came to that conclusion in each of your last 5 threads tho

I agree with your conclusion that you need to figure yourself out first before you are ready to date, especially since there are other people--i.e., your dates--whom you are passing on your confusion forward to. I am glad you are feeling better in the meanwhile
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You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 20th February 2018 at 8:11 PM..
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Old 20th February 2018, 9:08 PM   #23
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Cookies - there is no right&one solution, but if I were you, I'd take down my dating profiles for a while. 3 months or so off-line won't kill you And you may re-think what you need. But if you prefer keeping dating - that's fine too. You don't need a goal and one way to reach conclusions is trial & error.

My very worst experiences in the love front were when I decided 'It's time to get settled and knocked up asap' after I hit 30. I almost got what I wanted - um, actually not quite. I got a man that was really rushing to settle as well... So much that we didn't evaluate compatibility and soon after we were living together in silent resentment mixed with hopes for future.

I got such a kick at 32 when, finally single again, I realized that there is a different type of love/relationships out there.... After I waived my hand and set NO goals, things started rolling. Up and down, but that's life.

You're in no rush. Don't create deadlines for yourself. If you want to meet 500 men to see what you want, do it. If you are not sure what you want - that's totally fine, you're NOT crazy, NOT alone - most people are like this regardless of whether they admit it to others and/or themselves.

Being single can be fun. Dating can be fun. Relationships can be fun. You don't need to pick what some other entity wants, just explore the relationship space for the time being, whatever this entails for you
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Old 21st February 2018, 3:27 PM   #24
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Thought about my ex yesterday and woke up feeling anxious?

Quote:
Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
Cookies - there is no right&one solution, but if I were you, I'd take down my dating profiles for a while. 3 months or so off-line won't kill you And you may re-think what you need. But if you prefer keeping dating - that's fine too. You don't need a goal and one way to reach conclusions is trial & error.

My very worst experiences in the love front were when I decided 'It's time to get settled and knocked up asap' after I hit 30. I almost got what I wanted - um, actually not quite. I got a man that was really rushing to settle as well... So much that we didn't evaluate compatibility and soon after we were living together in silent resentment mixed with hopes for future.

I got such a kick at 32 when, finally single again, I realized that there is a different type of love/relationships out there.... After I waived my hand and set NO goals, things started rolling. Up and down, but that's life.

You're in no rush. Don't create deadlines for yourself. If you want to meet 500 men to see what you want, do it. If you are not sure what you want - that's totally fine, you're NOT crazy, NOT alone - most people are like this regardless of whether they admit it to others and/or themselves

Being single can be fun. Dating can be fun. Relationships can be fun. You don't need to pick what some other entity wants, just explore the relationship space for the time being, whatever this entails for you
I thought about my ex yesterday and woke up feeling anxious which tells me I have another nightmare about him. Hasn’t happened in a long time.

It was a nightmare experience all the way through.


My childish, silly nature (and perhaps haphazard writing) makes people think I’m lot younger than I am but I reality I am only a few years youger than you, No_Go. Morals aside, I wonder if I’ll hearv a biological clock. It’s funny to say but it runs in my moms side of the family. She had me in 40s only because of my dad. My aunts all were “old maids”.

But I kind of wish I did. Iwould have more incentive to have coupled maybe. But then I might have got into a dreadful relationship. It sounds you are having fun being single now.

But I can relate to the urgency feeling in a roundabout way: part of me thinks the only reason I’m even considering a relationship at all besides just liking the company is because I’m afraid of missing out. I’m not getting any younger. It’s the best time now. But I don’t want it. I guess a lot of people feel that way

I just can’t see giving up dating. I wouldn’t even say it’s entirely attention. It’s more like I am extroverted in a weird way I like learning about as many people as people as possible. I would love to do this with women and people of all ages, but no one is as compliant so fast as a man who is sexually or romantically attracted to you. They are the easiest to get to open up and let you in to their lives the fastest.

But it’s also an attention and intimacy aspect. It feels nice to be sexually or romantically desired by someone.


But you can get that being single, I’m keep looking for the right person.


Also How can relationships be fun? What’s the funniest part of a relationship? That’s not rhetoric. I genuinely want to know what are fun relationships you had and what made them more fun than being single

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 21st February 2018 at 3:38 PM..
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Old 21st February 2018, 4:49 PM   #25
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Cookies I always dream about people that I'm anxious about. So don't overthink the nightmares about your ex...

I know you're not that younger than me in astronomical years, but trust me, I feel much much older (I always felt at least a decade older than my bio-age, since I was a teenager...) and that somewhat colors my perception & writing respectively.

The bio-clock... you may never get it ticking in your head, I think in my case I had it because I was making checklist of things I haven't done after I reached 30... If you're not a 'checklist' person or have strong motherly instinct, you may never get it. There are posters here that has stated never 'hearing' their clock ticking.

I get your sentiments about attention, interactions etc. Makes sense.

But you asked why relationships can be fun? Because you let loose. You stop wearing the perfect mask that everybody puts on in initial interactions, you have someone that you knows your deepest and darkest secrets and accepts you regardless, you have someone you share internal jokes and laugh without anybody understanding why, you have someone who knows you well sexually, basically you can be yourself. For all that it's worth it

I admit albeit I'm super content with being single, the beginning of a new romance gives me an incredible kick. I feel like walking on air, my energy goes through the roof and I get more creative&more inspired to do things. The caveat: that doesn't exactly happen that way if you settle because you just think it's time... then you get the companionship but something is always missing. That's why I think it's worth the wait, especially if you're not bothered too much by clock ticking


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
I thought about my ex yesterday and woke up feeling anxious which tells me I have another nightmare about him. Hasnít happened in a long time.

It was a nightmare experience all the way through.


My childish, silly nature (and perhaps haphazard writing) makes people think Iím lot younger than I am but I reality I am only a few years youger than you, No_Go. Morals aside, I wonder if Iíll hearv a biological clock. Itís funny to say but it runs in my moms side of the family. She had me in 40s only because of my dad. My aunts all were ďold maidsĒ.

But I kind of wish I did. Iwould have more incentive to have coupled maybe. But then I might have got into a dreadful relationship. It sounds you are having fun being single now.

But I can relate to the urgency feeling in a roundabout way: part of me thinks the only reason Iím even considering a relationship at all besides just liking the company is because Iím afraid of missing out. Iím not getting any younger. Itís the best time now. But I donít want it. I guess a lot of people feel that way

I just canít see giving up dating. I wouldnít even say itís entirely attention. Itís more like I am extroverted in a weird way I like learning about as many people as people as possible. I would love to do this with women and people of all ages, but no one is as compliant so fast as a man who is sexually or romantically attracted to you. They are the easiest to get to open up and let you in to their lives the fastest.

But itís also an attention and intimacy aspect. It feels nice to be sexually or romantically desired by someone.


But you can get that being single, Iím keep looking for the right person.


Also How can relationships be fun? Whatís the funniest part of a relationship? Thatís not rhetoric. I genuinely want to know what are fun relationships you had and what made them more fun than being single
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Old 23rd February 2018, 6:49 AM   #26
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How can relationships be fun? What’s the funniest part of a relationship? That’s not rhetoric. I genuinely want to know what are fun relationships you had and what made them more fun than being single
You didn’t ask me but I’ll still answer if that’s ok.

I would say that the fun part is having someone on your wavelength, a companion. For us it’s for example fun to take the dog and just drive to countryside for no reason, eat somewhere on the road, go to a hiking trail or a small town just to see what’s there. It’s not the same alone because the fun part is the process itself, not getting to a specific place.

There is an intimate space where I can be goofy, we have some silly inside jokes, like some stupid dance moves or word play etc that would probably be completely ridiculous to anyone “outside”. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing all these things in front of other people

I am a huge introvert but I think the intimacy of a warm safe relationship is actually a great “venue” for an introvert to flourish. I missed that when I was single (and I have been single for a large part of my life).

I get the feeling that you see relationships as a need to put on an act and to appear a certain way and this seems exhausting. In fact it would be exhausting. But in a good relationship you should be able to be yourself and enjoy it.

Last edited by bene; 23rd February 2018 at 6:51 AM..
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