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I donít know what Iím looking for?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 19th February 2018, 3:48 PM   #1
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I donít know what Iím looking for?

I have on my dating site profile I am “looking for a relationship”. I don’t know if that’s true. Most recently there was this guy who wanted a relationship. I had very strong feelings for him. But I just could not bear the thought of being committed to him. We had this convo:

Me: I have strong feelings for you, but...

Him: Then what’s the problem? Is it another guy?

Me: No it’s not that. I just I’m so busy with everything(a/n:not true, I’m on here all the time) I don’t think I can give you the time you need. I’m working on me. I don’t know if I should even be on a dating app

Him: I’m okay with seeing you when you can make time. Listen, I’m busy too, but I make time for things we care about. Don’t you want to spend time with me?

Me: Yeah. Of course. (A/n: sometimes) But it’s not just that. I don’t know if I’m capable of giving you what you need all the time as a gf should. That’s why I think you should see others

Him: Well I’m going to be honest with you. I have been, but you make me not want to see others. Thats why I’m asking you this.

Me: Can you give me more time? We can casually date ?

Him: Sure, but how long do you want to do that? (A/n: I think clocks ticking with him and another girl) I’ve already made up my mind about you. I know right away. The more we date the more I’m going to like you.

Me: A few more... ah I don’t know.

Him: Okay tell me this: What do you want? Because I think you want a relationship too

Me: I don’t know.


We agreed to casually date a few more dates and hung up, but this conversation made me rethink things.Because I really did have strong feelings for/like this guy. And not just him, but another guy I saw weeks ago in January. I like all these people.

Is it wrong to just go on dates indefinitely? I don’t think I can do or want FWB. I’m too anxious for that. My ideal would be “date and see what happens” but we all know people go on different timelines. Eventually, theres progression, whether sex or more, or it terminates.. I don’t want a friend I want a romantic connection. But I also don’t want to commit


I met a new guy today...and it hurts because I’m still attached to the old one. I told him I just want to casually date. But he asked me what I meant by casual because he wants to make sure our goals are aligned because he does ultimately want something that will lead to a relationship.

I love the first couple dates with someone new. That’s fun for me. Anything beyond starts to get messy. Should I just stop dating? How long and why? Please help

Does anyone else feel like this or has felt like this in the past and it changed?.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 19th February 2018 at 3:57 PM..
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Old 19th February 2018, 3:57 PM   #2
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I have on my dating site profile I am “looking for a relationship”. I don’t know if that’s true. Most recently there was this guy who wanted a relationship. I had very strong feelings for him. But I just could not bear the thought of being committed to him. We had this convo: <snip>

Him: Okay tell me this: What do you want? Because I think you want a relationship too

Me: I don’t know.


We agreed to casually date a few more dates and hung up, but this conversation made me rethink things.Because I really did have strong feelings for/like this guy. And not just him, but another guy I saw weeks ago in January. I like all these people.

Is it wrong to just go on dates indefinitely? I don’t think I can do or want FWB. I’m too anxious for that. My ideal would be “date and see what happens” but we all know people go on different timelines. Eventually, theres progression, whether sex or more, or it terminates.. I don’t want a friend I want a romantic connection. But I also don’t want to commit


<snip>


You always give me such good advice so I am going to try give you some too.


Understand that what you are doing isn't unreasonable because a guy who is really into you will give you space and time and not try and mould you to be something you aren't ready to be.


By the same token, if you don't feel a romantic connection is it worth casually dating him?


You need to do some introspection and understand why in your mind things become messy after a few dates, try and isolate why?


Any guy who really cared would not be dating other girls while saying he is really into you. Walk away from him. There are guys who hold themselves to a higher standard than that.


It sounds very soppy, especially coming from me but ultimately the heart wants what it wants, I grapple with this everyday and your heart needs to be into something, you really need to want it and if for a minute you don't then you need to try figure out why. When you want something its quite a special feeling.


Based on your posts here, you are a very dynamic caring person, attributes which are fantastic and make you a catch for guys in general but don't settle, I believe someone great is going to come alone.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 19th February 2018 at 6:21 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 19th February 2018, 4:09 PM   #3
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Ty for your thoughtful response and kind words, ZA. I connect with your posts a lot because I felt before we had similar problems. You seem like a really intelligent person. Maybe too much so for your own good

The reason I asked you and your thread if you really deep down wanted a relationship is because I know you’ve been single most of your life like me. It gets to a point where you become very comfortable being single. You really don’t know what you’re missing out on, if anything? It’s more theoretical. You become somewhat picky and set in your ways. This unavailablity can manifest itself as struggles finding someone. When you’re actually faced with the decision, one that will drastically change your life, you may find that you really don’t want to seriously date at all. It’s really jarring to go from becoming comfortably single to being with someone almost all of the time and devoting so much energy to them. I think that’s what makes me panic. I mean a lot of people get swept up in lasted infatuation and like being with someone all the time, but after all that fades away, love is actually quite a burden/responsibility. It becomes something you have to put lots of energy into to sustain. I think unless you really want it, it falls apart

This person was willing to wait, but do you think that’s fair to a person? That’s why I cut it off. Because I hate that line “let’s go slow and see what happens”. How do you know your feelings will ever get stronger?. You don’t know.I was thinking maybe I’d never want to commit. Then I’d just have strung him along/wasted his time. I’m worried about doing that to the next person I date. That’s why I am afraid of dating. But I don’t want to stop dating

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 19th February 2018 at 4:13 PM..
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Old 19th February 2018, 4:44 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
I have on my dating site profile I am “looking for a relationship”. I don’t know if that’s true. Most recently there was this guy who wanted a relationship. I had very strong feelings for him. But I just could not bear the thought of being committed to him. We had this convo: <snip>

Him: Okay tell me this: What do you want? Because I think you want a relationship too

Me: I don’t know.


We agreed to casually date a few more dates and hung up, but this conversation made me rethink things.Because I really did have strong feelings for/like this guy. And not just him, but another guy I saw weeks ago in January. I like all these people.

Is it wrong to just go on dates indefinitely? I don’t think I can do or want FWB. I’m too anxious for that. My ideal would be “date and see what happens” but we all know people go on different timelines. Eventually, theres progression, whether sex or more, or it terminates.. I don’t want a friend I want a romantic connection. But I also don’t want to commit


<snip>. Should I just stop dating? How long and why? Please help

Does anyone else feel like this or has felt like this in the past and it changed?.

Yes, for the love of God please do.

Why? Short answer: You are a hot mess.

Long answer: You are in no way shape or form ready for a relationship. I do not know if the cause is an avoidant personality, fear of intimacy, or only wanting the thrill of the chase.

Time and time again you post threads of these guys you "really" like. Once they show they like you back you run away - sometimes for you to only come back to the cat and mouse game that goes no where.

Your posting style is exactly the same. You post a thread, get a heated discussion going, then ask the mods to close it. "Never mind I blocked him, please close, etc" It's the same pattern with your dating.

I've said this before....you need therapy. You have to find out why you are turning away guys you supposedly like. There is an underlying cause and you have to find out why or you will continue to repeat the same vicious cycle again and again.

What's worse is you hurt guys along the way and give them reason to carry this hurt into their next RL.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm being honest with you - you are your own worst nightmare and will never be happy until you resolve your internal issues.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 19th February 2018 at 6:23 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 19th February 2018, 5:31 PM   #5
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Just change your profile to say that you only want to date casually. You will get guys who want the same, then you can both be on the same page. And who knows? Maybe you'll get with a guy like that and eventually you'll both evolve to want a relationship.
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Old 19th February 2018, 6:12 PM   #6
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Iím seriously near tears. Maybe I just havenít found the right person. I wish someone could relate.

Maybe I just havenít found anyone I deeply connect with.
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Old 19th February 2018, 6:13 PM   #7
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Just change your profile to say that you only want to date casually. You will get guys who want the same, then you can both be on the same page. And who knows? Maybe you'll get with a guy like that and eventually you'll both evolve to want a relationship.
I always thought that means FwB, but I can try. Thanks pops
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Old 19th February 2018, 6:34 PM   #8
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Be careful with the "date casually" stuff when it comes to online dating. Many guys will take that as FWB or NSA dating. If you wish to date casually, do state that but say no hookups. That may help but your filter will need to be on high alert.

Cookies, Ive read alot of your threads too and its so bizarre. You give AMAZING advice when it comes to others, but find it difficult to accept the same type of advice when it comes to yourself. I think that pretty normal though.

I do think you need to stop dating just for a bit and try to figure out what exactly is going on. The hardest part to any kind of self analysis is asking the right questions. You have all the answers of why things are the way they are when it comes to you and relationships, its just a matter of asking the right questions.

You made alot of good points already when you talked about ZA.

Do you feel very comfortable being single?
Comfortable enough to not have fomo about not being in a relationship?
Do you feel that being in a committed relationship will cause you to lose a bit of your self identity and freedom?

I know you have written about your last ex. I don't remember the details but maybe looking at that relationship and how it made you feel could be a nice start.

I don't think you are a hot mess. I think you are just like any other person trying to find themselves.
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Old 19th February 2018, 6:39 PM   #9
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Iím seriously near tears. Maybe I just havenít found the right person. I wish someone could relate.

Maybe I just havenít found anyone I deeply connect with.
From your prior posts I don't think you ever got over your ex.

To me, it appears as if you are afraid to get hurt again so you run when that is a potential hazard.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, but you really need to address it.

I'm not fully over my ex either - BUT, if I found the right woman I would jump in and not look back. I don't run from potential long term RLs...I've just yet to find one.
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Old 19th February 2018, 6:57 PM   #10
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Oh deary. My dear cookies. I am actually happy that you have written this post.
You always seem like such a wonderful person, and this post to me shows that you are growing. There is a part of myself that I see in your posts so I mean this with the highest good.

It is very clearly obvious to me based on most of your post history that you do not know what you want. You see to want to push yourself to date but are quick to cut things off. It really seems like you are not emotionally available. I think you are still on some level in love with your ex.

This post is a great first step because it shows you have become more introspective on your situation, and this is good! I know its very hard to admit something like this and not all people have the ability to look at themselves and their behavior.

I think that being single might be best for you at the time dear (not causally dating either but if you have sexual need, I would look into fwb, but being completely single will do you better). Learn about yourself, figure out what you want in life. What do you value? What is important to you? Who are you? What is your life purpose? What goals do you want to achieve?

Get to know yourself, heal those wounds from your past relationship (easier said than done) and become whole again.

Then when you have figured out who you are, you can go out and find that perfect man for you.

Don't worry about how long in terms of weeks, months etc, you will know when.

Wish you the best dear

Last edited by HiCrunchy; 19th February 2018 at 7:01 PM..
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Old 19th February 2018, 7:25 PM   #11
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I’m seriously near tears. Maybe I just haven’t found the right person. I wish someone could relate.

Maybe I just haven’t found anyone I deeply connect with.
I also don't think you're a hot mess. If anything, I find you genuine and maybe a little bit too vulnerable. I love being single so I can't relate but I have a feeling that if I were dating, I'd be just like you (and I'm 43!).
I can't figure men's intentions, they say stuff then act another way and I get confused and feel bad. So I don't date! If ever I were to want to be in a relationship, I'd ask friends to set me up because OLD adds an extra layer of social interation that I can't deal with.

Yes, maybe you just haven't found the right one for you yet; how about trying to see if it happens organically?
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Old 19th February 2018, 7:35 PM   #12
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Iím seriously near tears. Maybe I just havenít found the right person. I wish someone could relate.

Maybe I just havenít found anyone I deeply connect with.

I think I get it.


I have always had a certain 'type' of woman that would tick all the boxes for me. I have met a few over the years but in each case timing was a bitch is about all I can say. In one instance I had to fall on the sword so to speak and I imagine I compare some women I date to the one I had to let get away which makes it tough. I do find though am happier being single as opposed to being with someone that I like, but feel I would be settling in some way. It's torture to date someone like that when early on I know ultimately it won't go the distance but don't have a definitive reason why.


I don't look at it as a bad thing completely. I look at it like I probably avoided 2-3 divorces. So I meet someone I like and want to give it a chance but it always comes down to a point where I know I will have to decide if I am going to be honest now, or destroy them in the future after they are invested and I am still not feeling it.


It's like I date someone, I like her, I'd like to see her again, but ultimately I don't want to be committed to seeing her again. I enjoy going out with her, but if I didn't see her for 3 weeks between dates, that would be fine with me.
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Old 19th February 2018, 7:44 PM   #13
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Iím seriously near tears. Maybe I just havenít found the right person. I wish someone could relate.

Maybe I just havenít found anyone I deeply connect with.
I can relate, Cookies. But I actually AM too busy for a relationship. I have a lot of balls in the air and I'm selfish with my time right now. I know it won't always be that way.

I think you're an introvert and value your alone time. But you like getting attention from men. But you don't want them to get too close because that puts pressure on you to be a good girlfriend and you're just not into that right now, and that's fine.

I'd put casual dating in your profiles, but be aware they will think that means you're down for having casual sex, too, which you clearly are not. Most guys won't want to just casually date indefinitely with no sex.
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Old 19th February 2018, 7:59 PM   #14
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hugs, Cookie, deleted my post, will try to write more later

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 19th February 2018 at 8:15 PM..
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Old 19th February 2018, 10:57 PM   #15
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Hey Cookies,

I donít think youíre weird at all. Ok maybe a little crazy sometimes but not weird If anything, your previous dates perfectly describes one of the biggest hurdles guys face when they want the girl to commit. Initially, when you first started seeing these guys, you knew they liked you but it was commensurate to the effort you put in for that to happen. However, after a few dates, these guys either became too desperate (20 messages guy) or too available (jacket and beanie guy) which made you lose your attraction for them. I bet if either of these guys played it cool, had been a bit aloof and let you chase them a bit, you would still be seeing them. They became low value in your eyes when they became easy to get.
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