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Constantly told no spark


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 18th February 2018, 7:25 PM   #31
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May I ask this question? Out of curiosity, are you dating other women who are also hearing impaired? There are certain things in deaf culture that do not always jibe with hearing people.

It is good that you are forthcoming about your disability before you meet people, but ... I would not say that this disability is the main factor that is or is not turning people off when they meet you. I can't understand why it is that I have gone out on many internet dates myself (like I'm sure a majority of people reading this have as well) and NOT connect with someone. But, it does. I usually end up getting a text from someone the next day after the meeting should we meet and he says something polite like "I had a nice time last night" or just "Good morning", and I text back "Good morning to you" or "I had a nice time as well thank you". After a few days we'll chit chat about our day, then it tapers off and I never hear from that person again. It's what it is.

I MAY make this suggestion to you - but you may have to make a modification being that you are hearing impaired - if you REALLY LIKE a woman that you meet (whether or not it's through OLD or not) you should CALL HER the next day rather than text. It sends a strong message to that women that you really like her.

But to answer your question as to why you keep being rejected? If I knew the answer, I promise you I would tell you. But I don't have it. Because I don't know why. All I can say to you or anyone else out there who is having this problem is that the other person is not that into you. You have to believe deep within yourself that there is a lid for every pot and someday, somehow it can and will happen to you. I'm in a funk myself that has lasted a very long time. I feel like no one wants me no matter what. I have to force myself to go out and do things to fight the depressive feelings.

Focus on other things at the moment. Keep moving forward.
I cannot call her. I am deaf. I can't hear the phone. Texting and speaking face to face is my only means of communication.


Thanks for your kind words in your message though.

It's what's so frustrating...I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I keep being told they've had a great time, that I'm such a great guy...but not for them. That there was no attraction. That I'm so funny but not for them,

Every. Single. Time.


Sometimes I feel like the most undesirable guy in my city.


I don't know many hearing impaired women. That's the problem..the ones I do know are in relationships or married. It's not as if I'm purposefully avoiding them.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 7:29 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 7:31 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by mortensorchid View Post
All I can say to you or anyone else out there who is having this problem is that the other person is not that into you. You have to believe deep within yourself that there is a lid for every pot and someday, somehow it can and will happen to you. I'm in a funk myself that has lasted a very long time. I feel like no one wants me no matter what. I have to force myself to go out and do things to fight the depressive feelings.

Focus on other things at the moment. Keep moving forward.
Best advice on this thread so far, from someone who has been trying as hard as you have. Maybe you two live in the same city <3.
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Old 18th February 2018, 7:41 PM   #33
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I'm just so frustrated and very very depressed.

I would love to know how all of my hearing friends never have this issue.


We have a great time on the date. She seems to be connecting.

Then I text her the next day saying something like "I've had a great time, what did you think of **Whatever we were talking about that night"

then she either says

"Umm..thanks it was good but sorry lets be friends"
"Youre'a great guy but no attraction sorry"

or she doesn't reply.



I just feel so utterly undesirable. I spend ages in the gym. I scour fashion websites. I use cologne. I read books for inspiration.

I'm also a budding city photographer.

Sometimes I just stare at the mirror and wonder what is so wrong with me that makes women not want to see me again.
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Old 18th February 2018, 7:42 PM   #34
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Do you choose to meet women who are shorter than you? If yes then height may not be a problem. Otherwise, of course it is a problem, especially when they get to know it the first time they meet you!!! Combined with your disability, speech impediment.

Why would any woman want to be with someone like you after a first date when they can find someone else pretty easily. Sorry if this sounds rude, that's not my intention but only to help you figure out the situation. If they don't have any emotional connection with you, then they would want someone who has no disability etc. especially if they don't have a disability themselves. Its a harsh truth.

So, as people said above, the only people who may understand you better will be those with disabilities themselves or people who have family members or close friends who have disabilities. May not just be deaf but other kinds too. They will be more empathetic towards you. No meaning going on so many dates. Put your height and disability on your profile. You may not meet a lot of women but the ones that you meet would have a high chance of wanting to date you. And join some online communities for disabled people and try to make new friends and form connections.
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Old 18th February 2018, 7:50 PM   #35
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Do you choose to meet women who are shorter than you? If yes then height may not be a problem. Otherwise, of course it is a problem, especially when they get to know it the first time they meet you!!! Combined with your disability, speech impediment.

Why would any woman want to be with someone like you after a first date when they can find someone else pretty easily. Sorry if this sounds rude, that's not my intention but only to help you figure out the situation. If they don't have any emotional connection with you, then they would want someone who has no disability etc. especially if they don't have a disability themselves. Its a harsh truth.

So, as people said above, the only people who may understand you better will be those with disabilities themselves or people who have family members or close friends who have disabilities. May not just be deaf but other kinds too. They will be more empathetic towards you. No meaning going on so many dates. Put your height and disability on your profile. You may not meet a lot of women but the ones that you meet would have a high chance of wanting to date you. And join some online communities for disabled people and try to make new friends and form connections.
Wow that's very harsh. I'm not too quite sure why a disability has to be a dealbreaker.


I've got a successful job, a flat, I can talk...you wouldn't know I was deaf until I spoke, I lift weights at gym, I'm also a city photographer. I flew to Los Angeles from the UK on my own to explore the city. I even enjoy live bands and have a band logo tattooed on my shoulder.

SO I'm by no means dumb nor retarded.

I can understand the person talking to me perfectly fine if they spoke ever slightly so slower. That's it. No shouting required.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 8:05 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:09 PM   #36
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It is probably abelism but if it is ....

The reason is likely that when these women you date have time to process it and think over the whole thing and discuss it with friends family etc the stigmatization of your disability (any disability) is just too much for them.



That said and as others have pointed out you can still do well with women.
Consider this man, he has ALS and can't move. Yet he was such a horndog he manged to cheat on his wife with his nurse. Whom he then married, then divorced. Now it seems he may be back with his first wife on some level. That man is Steven W Hawking and he is about as disabled as you can get... yet still alpha (hate that word but for Hawking I'll use it. He's a real Homo Sapiens Sapiens Alpha male not the bros at the gym.)

Consider also my sister. Despite having a disability that made her Forrest Gump like she managed to be homecomming queen. Then didn't date more than two guys until her current BF (that I know of) until she was 26. She's been with the same guy ever since.

In short:

Yes people, even ones who may like you one on one are not going to choose you due to the disability. It may be no spark or fearing stigma. Forget them they just aren't right for you.

At the same time you only need one or two people liking you enough to marry you to be able to say that you've had a decent love life. Having lots of people want to do you is no assurance that they'll want to sick around.
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:09 PM   #37
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Have your tried meeting women through meetups instead?
Online dating is super shallow to be honest. If you meet women through social situations where they can talk with you and get to know you as a person, they might look past the disability (and height, though I think the disability is the harder battle to fight).

Also have you considered meetups with people within your community. Someone that's deaf maybe more open to dating you.
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:18 PM   #38
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Have your tried meeting women through meetups instead?
Online dating is super shallow to be honest. If you meet women through social situations where they can talk with you and get to know you as a person, they might look past the disability (and height, though I think the disability is the harder battle to fight).

Also have you considered meetups with people within your community. Someone that's deaf maybe more open to dating you.
That's the problem...I don't know any deaf people.

You'll have to understand...even though I'm deaf. I was RAISED hearing. I don't have experience with deaf people. I went to a hearing school. I went to a hearing university. My parents are hearing. My friends are hearing. My colleagues are hearing. I've never ever been out with a deaf woman..why? Because I don't know any except the ones who are married.

For all intents and purposes I see myself as a hearing person. With my hearing aid, I can hear. Albeit not as well as a hearing person. I'm also passionate about music. Would a deaf person spend hundreds of pounds to see Pearl Jam in a different country?

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 8:21 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:21 PM   #39
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Wow that's very harsh. I'm not too quite sure why a disability has to be a dealbreaker.


I've got a successful job, a flat, I can talk...you wouldn't know I was deaf until I spoke, I lift weights at gym, I'm also a city photographer. I flew to Los Angeles from the UK on my own to explore the city. I even enjoy live bands and have a band logo tattooed on my shoulder.

SO I'm by no means dumb nor retarded.

I can understand the person talking to me perfectly fine if they spoke ever slightly so slower. That's it. No shouting required.
You've mentioned weight lifting multiple times on this thread, yet not one woman has chimed in with "well then I have no idea why you can't find a relationship!" What that should tell you is that this is not the most important thing to a woman like you seem to think that it is. Physical perfection is very important to men, so they project that on to women as a trait they desire. But it is not true.

Honesty, however, is important to women. SHOULD women discriminate based on your disability or your height? The answer (yes or no) matters not because the fact remains that they do. (Just as a man would)

It's best to be completely up front about all things. You say you don't think women should care what your height is, yet you purposefully don't tell them unless they ask....so you must know it's actually important. To me 5'7" would not be a dealbreaker at all but to some (probably most to be honest) it is. So be honest. It doesn't mean you will never find a mate who accepts you totally for who you are, no matter how much weight lifting, teeth whitening, waxing/grooming you do.
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:22 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by HiCrunchy View Post
Have your tried meeting women through meetups instead?
Online dating is super shallow to be honest. If you meet women through social situations where they can talk with you and get to know you as a person, they might look past the disability (and height, though I think the disability is the harder battle to fight).

Also have you considered meetups with people within your community. Someone that's deaf maybe more open to dating you.
I'd second this. My sister meet her best friend and her boy friend through programs designed for people with her disability. SO your best bet might be to go to places where people either have your same disability OR are specifically looking to work with people who have disabilities. Then maybe meet someone there.

As crummy as that may sound. The simple truth is abelism is real. People are shallow and fearful of being marked as different by association.

I know of one famous man ... The big kahuna of right wing US radio talk show host with half his brain tied behind his back. Rush Limbaugh, has hearing failure bad enough to need cochlear implants. He finds women to date his fat old ..... but one has to figure he's really good at talking to people. Who knows how someone like that might be able to sweet talk.

It is possible for someone like you to do well.

OP Have you asked a man with your same type of hearing loss who is in a relationship for advice?
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:24 PM   #41
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I'd second this. My sister meet her best friend and her boy friend through programs designed for people with her disability. SO your best bet might be to go to places where people either have your same disability OR are specifically looking to work with people who have disabilities. Then maybe meet someone there.

As crummy as that may sound. The simple truth is abelism is real. People are shallow and fearful of being marked as different by association.

I know of one famous man ... The big kahuna of right wing US radio talk show host with half his brain tied behind his back. Rush Limbaugh, has hearing failure bad enough to need cochlear implants. He finds women to date his fat old ..... but one has to figure he's really good at talking to people. Who knows how someone like that might be able to sweet talk.

It is possible for someone like you to do well.

OP Have you asked a man with your same type of hearing loss who is in a relationship for advice?
I don't know any deaf people.

I was raised hearing. I live a very hearing dominated lifestyle. Every girl I've met was hearing.

Even my first girlfriend in my teens was hearing.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 8:26 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:32 PM   #42
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Does anyone know what I can do to increase the chances of a spark?

I've read so many books on dating that I know what to say, what not to say.

I always do light touching and make sure it's appropriate.

I have had a few kisses and make out sessions at the end of the date...only to be told "no spark" the next day.
If you've had kisses and make-out sessions, it doesn't seem like the problem is about your so-called disability (which doesn't seem like much of one to me, but don't need to debate that).

Breath is good?

You're a good kisser?

Not too handsy?
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:34 PM   #43
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You've mentioned weight lifting multiple times on this thread, yet not one woman has chimed in with "well then I have no idea why you can't find a relationship!" What that should tell you is that this is not the most important thing to a woman like you seem to think that it is. Physical perfection is very important to men, so they project that on to women as a trait they desire. But it is not true.

Honesty, however, is important to women. SHOULD women discriminate based on your disability or your height? The answer (yes or no) matters not because the fact remains that they do. (Just as a man would)

It's best to be completely up front about all things. You say you don't think women should care what your height is, yet you purposefully don't tell them unless they ask....so you must know it's actually important. To me 5'7" would not be a dealbreaker at all but to some (probably most to be honest) it is. So be honest. It doesn't mean you will never find a mate who accepts you totally for who you are, no matter how much weight lifting, teeth whitening, waxing/grooming you do.
I mention the weight lifting as I want to be seen as able. As most people see people with disabilities unable to do anything. Plus I'm trying to make the best out of my body.

Plus it would be rather awkward if I said to a woman

"Hi how are you

oh by the way I'm 5ft7"

It would be bizarre. So if they ask, I tell them. If they don't I leave it.
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:37 PM   #44
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I mention the weight lifting as I want to be seen as able. As most people see people with disabilities unable to do anything. Plus I'm trying to make the best out of my body.

Plus it would be rather awkward if I said to a woman

"Hi how are you

oh by the way I'm 5ft7"

It would be bizarre. So if they ask, I tell them. If they don't I leave it.
You clearly KNOW it could be a deal breaker though. What do you put in your dating profiles when it asks for height? Are you truthful?
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:44 PM   #45
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I don't know any deaf people.

I was raised hearing. I live a very hearing dominated lifestyle. Every girl I've met was hearing.

Even my first girlfriend in my teens was hearing.
At 30 have you tried dating women 5-7 years younger or have you had the same results with women who were 5-7 years older too?

I ask because it is a fact younger women will date a guy, like the guy, feel IT but if friends/family/passersby don't approve will move on. Your disability means that younger women who are typically... more easily influenced by external forces... may not be for you.

An older woman may be more likely to know what's really important. They know actual values, VS having the same hobbies. They know character does not come from abs. They know that they are the one that'll have to live with you not their friends, families, or passers by.

You need someone who likes you for your deep character and values and who stick around long enough to really see those. Even if 100% able it is hard to find that. Good luck.
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