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Constantly told no spark


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 18th February 2018, 3:15 PM   #1
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Constantly told no spark

I'm 30. Male. I bodybuild at gym and wear fashionable clothing. I'm also well groomed. I'm told I'm good looking

I'm also deaf but I do not sign. I wear hearing aids. I have a slight speech impediment (Further speech therapy will not help). Due to deafness, I am unable to pronounce certain words properly.

I have never had a relationship since I was 18.

I have no problems getting dates off online dating websites, POF, Tinder, Bumble etc...

I CANNOT for the life of me...get a second date. I'm constantly told "no spark", "no chemistry sorry" "let's be friends instead" "Sorry no attraction" "I've had a fantastic time but no spark sorry" "You're such a great guy but you're not for me"

No matter how well the date goes, I'm always told this. Sometimes I get a kiss, sometimes we hold hands. They tell me they've had a great time. Then the next day.. I get this by text.

I don't suffer from nerves and can appear confident. I'm confident, witty, chatty, funny. But I'm obviously doing something wrong.

I even asked some of the girls for feedback...and they say I'm just a lovely guy but no romantic connection.

I know you can't get a spark with everyone. But it seems that I cannot get a spark with any girl I meet.

So far I've been on about 200 first dates in the past 18 months with no success.

I can't help but feel my disability is indirectly putting them off.


I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and depressed about this.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 3:37 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:15 PM   #2
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First of all sorry you have had so many first dates.

Do you state in your profile you are hearing impaired? If not you need too. People do not like having a disability sprung on them.

If itís already in your profile then I would just stop online dating. Try going out and getting social. Go to a sports bar and sit down and start talking to someone. Go hiking. I think you need a break from OLD.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:16 PM   #3
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I'm so sorry. I'm afraid it is the speech from your deafness. It's not so much people hold that against you as just that they themselves feel awkward and don't know how to act on something they know little about. Of course, anyone who had grown up in a household with someone with that similar issue would be very comfortable about it. It's not fair, but life isn't fair.

I'm recommending you do as much networking/socializing with other deaf people and organizations, meetups, because within their extended family, you may also find acceptance. So get busy making other deaf friends, meet who they know, expand your network of people who get it. Good luck.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:20 PM   #4
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Thank you.

I always tell the person I'm chatting to before meeting.
I would establish comfort..talk lots then gradually mention it in conversation by text.

9/10 they're totally fine with it.



I would go out and meet people but the thing is all of my friends are married/engaged/with kids and don't go out.

Also I'm nervous approaching women in bars due to my speech. I've tried talking to random women in bars but they tell me to go away.

Also where I'm from..there isn't many deaf people..The deaf people I know sign and are in relationships.

I don't see myself as "Deaf" as I have a hearing family and hearing friends.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 4:26 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:30 PM   #5
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Being correctably deaf is a dating pool thinner. Anything about one which departs, especially markedly, from the norm will thin one's pool of compatible partners, hence more random people need to be encountered to find compatible examples who feel spark with your uniqueness.

I was introduced to this at a very young age with a male friend who was a genetic dwarf. Grew up together, never really saw him as different until girls became something other than roughhousing buddies. I then could see how they reacted to him differently from a sexual aspect. However, over time, and with effort, he overcame this, and other potential challenges and went on to be married to a normal-sized woman and became a USFS ranger and last I had contact, was still alive at our ripe old age.

I'd recommend more real world contacts and don't expect immediate results. Focus on friendships, networking and meeting people face to face. Since you have no problem 'getting dates' online that tells me you are visually appealing to those you contact. You should have little trouble with meeting people in real life. There they will experience all of you at one time rather than an electronic perception juxtaposed against reality on first meet. Keep at it. It may take time but it'll work out.

Hope these dates are dutch. 200 in 18 months is quite an investment in dating. Whoa.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:43 PM   #6
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Ok I would suggest having a phone conversation BEFORE the date, that way the girl can hear how you sound. If this can work for you then this could help filter some of them out.

Reading this made me feel bad about a date I had last year, I met up with this guy whose speech was very slow and he spoke so loud etc. At the time shamefully I thought he was not very intelligent and honestly his speech freaked me out, but looking back now its likely he did have a speech impediment as well.

It would be worth joining groups with people with hearing loss and forums etc?

It will be hard honestly for people with hearing to really overlook or give someone like you a chance. Hurts to say that as my daughter is deaf in one ear so I get it but I do not understand why you do not see yourself as deaf? you are deaf.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:45 PM   #7
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They're all dutch.

Thanks for the replies.

I just find it bizarre because I've got a good job, a flat and I can speak!

I can lipread very well so understanding the other person is never an issue.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:45 PM   #8
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I guess it could be your speech. Do you tell your dates ahead of time about your speech impediment? For me, something like that might make me unattracted because of the negative association I'd draw.....bad experience in childhood with an older cousin with a speech impediment. It wouldn't be fair to you, but, it would exist for me.

Beyond that, Is there anything else about you that could be offputting? Do you take care of your teeth? Have clean fingernails? Smell good?
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:49 PM   #9
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I have a very deep accent. I'm British but I'm told I sound a bit foreign. Which is something that is out of my control.

I always make sure I mention that before the date.

I whiten my teeth. I'm groomed and waxed too.

I lift weights at the gym 5 x a week.
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Old 18th February 2018, 5:02 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superunknown91 View Post
I have a very deep accent. I'm British but I'm told I sound a bit foreign. Which is something that is out of my control.

I always make sure I mention that before the date.

I whiten my teeth. I'm groomed and waxed too.

I lift weights at the gym 5 x a week.
How long do you communicate with women before meeting them in person? Maybe spend more time establishing rapport and connection in writing before meeting in person? You sound like a really nice person and maybe if you get someone to "like you" enough in writing, they won't be so judgmental about your speech? I'm sorry this is something you deal with . If that's even what it is. What age group are you trying to date?
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Old 18th February 2018, 5:06 PM   #11
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It varies. Sometimes a few days. Sometimes two weeks.

I make sure I build enough rapport before the date via text. Jokes, interesting questions, bit of flirting etc to maintain their interest and to show the social side of me.

The age range I aim for is 25-35. I do prefer a slightly older woman but not too old as I would like to eventually have children with the right woman.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 18th February 2018 at 5:08 PM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 5:18 PM   #12
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Some women are turned off by too MUCH "grooming/waxing/teeth whitening." i know I am.
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Old 18th February 2018, 5:19 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Some women are turned off by too MUCH "grooming/waxing/teeth whitening." i know I am.
Fair enough but they already know what I look like in my photos.

I'm bald so have to keep my head shaved.
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Old 18th February 2018, 5:24 PM   #14
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Superunknown, I can only write from my experience. Your deaf accent wouldn't bother me, however it sounds like you put a LOT of effort into your appearance. Could it be that you're coming across as high maintenance?

Of course, if a woman is high maintenance herself, she will likely appreciate all of it. But a woman who is lower maintenance may look at you and think you're overly focused on physical appearance.

Just how big do you get with body building? Do you still have a neck?
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Old 18th February 2018, 5:26 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Some women are turned off by too MUCH "grooming/waxing/teeth whitening." i know I am.
Snap! We wrote the same thing at the same time
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