LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > In Search Of...

Frustrated being Single


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

Like Tree28Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 1st March 2018, 3:41 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fair View Post
I wish men would get it out of their heads that it's easier for women to date. Sure, you can date anything that crawled out from under a rock just until they get what they want but finding a life partner these days is ridiculously difficult for everyone. I don't know why every complaint men have about finding someone includes "women have it easier". They don't know what it's like to be a woman and have no idea how hard it is.
In my experiance. I would say that women have more suitors that will make that effort more than say a woman towards a man in the initial interaction.

I have had women tell me they like me in a romantic way. Its just it does not come very often. I am not sitting in my condo doing nothing. I am out there. I talk to people. Yet I don't want to crash on everyone when I am out there as well.

I don't know why its such a hard situation out there now. My parents met when they were 28/29 and got married at 30/31. So maybe a 1.5 months and got married and thats how long they new each other. I at 46 soon to be 47, still have no clue to put it together. I have friends at the 27/20 mark of being a couple.

Its not like I am asking for perfection. I just want things to be smooth. In my mind. Nothing is going to work. Unless the woman is single/childless, making an effort to connect with me or meeting me part way.



The actual singleness does not bother me. Its the constant unworkable effort that I make and that any woman I like is attached. There is no way to know, with out probing that makes it hard to navigate.

As I said before. I guess the universe wants me to be single and not be the driving force of dating. Just like for some reason. The Universe does not want my ex to meet guys that want to have a kid with her.

I know I am a great guy I am. Really the only reason I am not with my ex is that she wanted to fast track having a kid. Also I am a man that needs a lot of physical affection, without having to work it.

All I would really want for me being in a romantic relationship with a single childless woman is the following. Interesting conversations and laughs. Physical affection. Shared recreational activities and flexability with each other.

I don't think I am super complicated. Its not like I want to date/have sex with every woman I see out there. Dating would only be great, if the women came to us men a little more and made the effort to get to know us. Or my personality is more of a one woman person. My buddy S just broke up with his wife and they were together 29 yrs. He has a new GF and he seems happy.

So we are all basically different. Had things gone my way. I would have wanted to meet a great woman late 20's to late 30's for myself in that age range. I guess I fear that 46/47 is too late to start a family, but people do it all the time. I have to stop timelining myself.

If I had to have it happen my way. Its a woman that is late 30's and childless. Makes the effort towards me and we gel. We both get something out of the relationship.

Last edited by Mysterio; 1st March 2018 at 3:51 PM..
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 4:56 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,891
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
If I had to have it happen my way. Its a woman that is late 30's and childless. Makes the effort towards me and we gel. We both get something out of the relationship.
At the risk of stating the obvious, a woman who's late 30's and who wants kids doesn't have two years up her sleeve before trying to conceive. What you want just isn't going to work for the woman who's your ideal age.

If you want time to date before children, you will need to be looking at women who either don't want children or who are no older than 34 or so.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 5:47 PM   #18
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,691
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
At the risk of pointing out the obvious, a 41yo woman who wants kids DOESN'T HAVE a year or two to wait before trying to conceive. If you want a partner who's not rushing to have kids, you'll have to restrict your dating pool to women who are significantly younger than 41. Or women who don't want kids.
TOTALLY.

OP... Maybe some charts would help? A 41 year old woman, who has never had children - does not have a very good chance of getting pregnant (naturally at least).

Here is chart:

https://i1.wp.com/www.just.edu.jo/~m..._Cause_Age.jpg

Quote:
There is a slow decline in pregnancy rates in the early 30ís. This decline is more substantial in the late 30ís and early 40ís. Few women over 45 are still fertile.

By age 30, 7% of couples were infertile
By age 35, 11% of couples were infertile
By age 40, 33% of couples were infertile
At age 45, 87% of couples were infertile
Another chart

Effect of maternal age on natural fertility:

https://www.thewomenseye.com/wp-cont...ty-graph2.jpeg

41 marks "end of fertility"
https://i2.wp.com/www.infertile.com/...licle_pool.gif


So - Finding a woman in her late 30's or early 40's, who has never had children, and wants children, is going to be a very small pool to choose from.

Add ABLE to have children, now you are dealing with a very small percentage of the population.

Now add that she must be sweet, pursue you, etc etc - well now we are really talking about a needle in a hay stack.

Sure it was easy for your parents, but I am guessing that their requirements didn't limit them to a tiny fraction of the population.
__________________
Sorry for all of the typos! On a cell phone that thinks it is smarter than me
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 6:12 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Fair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 697
yes, add in restrictions in addition to it already being difficult to find someone at your age, and you're definitely screwed. Better off looking for anyone at this point in your life who you can be compatible with or you'll be more likely than ever to remain alone.
Fair is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 8:44 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
So are you all saying that my personality is making it so that my pool is very small.

My ex turns 41 on Sunday. She has no time to fool around, but her pool. She has to find a man that is open to having kids within that yr. So an oops pregnancy or really fast tracking a guy should be her priority. I hope her and the guy can gel right away. Within 6 months or so.

For me. I guess I have this timeline in my head that it takes time to gel as a couiple. Even though my parents married in 16 months of being together. They are so different. If they were friends on both sides of my life. I don't think I would set them up. All they have in common is that they are the same ethnicity and they are 6 months apart in age.

Its not like every woman I have met is all about having kids. Just my ex. If I just went along with what she wanted. I would have had a kid with her. We are not gelled and we would have been seperated or on the verge of divorce. So why bring a child into this world when the couple are not together.

I don't think I will be alonee, but my ideal match may be tricky. I know 2 couples where they have been together for a long time and both did not want kids. How did they luck out on that and they were both early 20's, and they worked out not wanting kids.

just from what I have seen. If a couple is not well gelled. they break up. I don't want that and have a child on top of that.

I don't think that I am very difficult. I guess I have to go younger than late 30's and a woman that does not want kids. So I have to accept that my ideal pool of dating will be small. Or throw it away and have kids right away. I am more focussed on gelling as a couple, more than just bringing a child into the world.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 9:07 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,891
It's perfectly normal to want to wait a few years before having kids. Just be aware that a woman who's in her late 30's and who wants kids isn't going to go along with it.

With regards to your ex, I think she'd be very wise to be looking at donor sperm at this point. She's already out of time.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 9:10 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
I want to add something as well. Most of the women I like. They are attached. So its not like I am meeting a woman that is single. She really likes me. She wants us to have kids. Then I act all indifferent or say no.

Once again. I am looking at myself gelling as a couple first. Then we can talk about marriage/kids. As opposed to just going out. Having sex. Getting the woman pregnant and then bringing a child into the world, but the child parents, inwhich one of them is me. The parents are just whatever to each other.. I don't want that for myself.

Any child that comes from me bio wise. They will have two parents in love with each other and gelled as well. Thats not to say their won't be challenges. Its just that at my age. I might as well pick well. If I just take any woman and rush to have kids and live together out of wedlock I can't see it working long term.

2 yrs and no kids and yr 3 going into a marriage situation. That I see working well.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 9:22 PM   #23
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,691
Do you want children?

If you don't (or are indifferent) I would say focus on finding someone who also does not want kids.

More and more people are choosing not to have children. I think it would be much easier to find a late 30's woman who doesn't have kids, and does not want kids - than trying to find one who does want kids, but is willing to wait a few years.

And sex does not have to equal babies, especially if she is adamant about not having children.

My husband and I met in our early 20's and we knew we didn't want children. I know a few other couples the same as us. It's not unheard of.

Personally, I think part of your problem is that you spend a lot of time mulling over hypotheticals, about how your relationship will go etc.... Yet, it's all fantasy because you haven't met someone.

Meet someone you could have feelings for, then take it from there.

Right now you have a cart, and no horse.

Last edited by RecentChange; 1st March 2018 at 9:24 PM..
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 9:47 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
She is looking into fertility clinics and sperm donnor stuff. She even asked me a couple of years ago to father her child. I declined. I just for some reason. Don't s myself as a father type from the onset. I don't think about having kids.

It will take a special woman to make me a father.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 9:50 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
I guess I feel that if I don't put thinking into my romantic relationships. Then I will have blindspots and pay for it later.

Yet until I meet the ideal person. Every thought is speculation. Its like forming a band. It may not go like I want it to.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 10:02 PM   #26
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,691
Have you ever put a band together?

I know musicians - and if a drummer starts imagining his perfect guitarist, the way the vocalist should sing etc... Before any one has even agreed to jam with him.

Well, then he has set himself up for failure.

A band is made up of individuals who express their art together. If one member tries to control the process too much it usually back fires.

He can have some ideas of what he is looking for in band mates - but if he creates imaginary boxes for everyone to fit in - the chances of beautiful music ever being made are slim.

I think love is the same way. We can't plan it. We can't give it a bunch of rules to make it happen.

We have to allow the artists to make beautiful art... Or in this case the lovers to create a beautiful relationship.

You can ponder all you like, but I don't think it will get you any closer to your goal.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2018, 8:56 AM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 480
Have u ever thought of opening yourself up to raising adopted children? It will open u up to the timeline want without worrying about her biological clock.
HiCrunchy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2018, 9:47 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
Recent Change.

I guess thats why a lot of us are having problems with our love lives and we just have to let love find us and deal with how it manifest in our life at that moment.

So for me to speculate how my love life will shape up is mute point. It will be what it will be.

Its just interesting to me that we all have obstacles to overcome. Seems to me its actually meeting a woman that is single that digs me romantically.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2018, 10:05 AM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,115
My Ex-D. She does not want to adopt. She wants her own bio kid. She has that right. Its just that the men she dates are not on that page with her.

I think if she really wants a guy to father a child. Its Sperm donnor or an oops pregnancy. As harsh as that comes off.

For me meeting when I meet a woman that is good for me and vice versa. I just have to be chill. For some reason. Only when I don't come off as caring about romantically connecting with a woman. Thats when it seems to happen for me. Never when I am really working it. So its like some woman from my Gym/work/Local bar that I see music or some Facebook group/Buddhist Chanting group.

That by group setting on how I will meet her. I also think its good to envision as well. I just think single and childless is what going to work, with no rush to get married of have kids. On March 11 I turn 47. What should my age range be. I say late 30's. Or 40 something.

Even though I guess I should not speculate. I should have some basic criteria. I can't see anything else working out. Like I can't see a woman that has 2 baby daddies and I coming together for love and happiness.

Single/Widowed Divorced without kids. Thats the only workable situation that should work out or maybe one child on her side at the most.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2018, 1:50 AM   #30
Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,663
Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Have you ever put a band together?

I know musicians - and if a drummer starts imagining his perfect guitarist, the way the vocalist should sing etc... Before any one has even agreed to jam with him.

Well, then he has set himself up for failure.

A band is made up of individuals who express their art together. If one member tries to control the process too much it usually back fires.

He can have some ideas of what he is looking for in band mates - but if he creates imaginary boxes for everyone to fit in - the chances of beautiful music ever being made are slim.

I think love is the same way. We can't plan it. We can't give it a bunch of rules to make it happen.

We have to allow the artists to make beautiful art... Or in this case the lovers to create a beautiful relationship.

You can ponder all you like, but I don't think it will get you any closer to your goal.
I have nothing useful to add except that this post made me think of the movie "School of Rock", it's so funny. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO3x76Lve38
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Single and feeling frustrated by the dating scene. Any words of encouragement? kumar123 In Search Of... 12 15th April 2017 2:30 PM
Are women ever really single anymore? like single single kaylan General Relationship Discussion 161 22nd February 2014 1:04 AM
Every single women on earth is single by choice. Will prove inside. OpenGL Dating 85 22nd May 2010 2:09 PM
Question from a frustrated single iwanttolive Marriage & Life Partnerships 18 28th July 2008 8:28 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:33 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.