Jump to content

Dating why can't I do it?


CreateLove

Recommended Posts

For my first post I'm going to be brutally honest about me of course because Ive joined this site for advice and stupidly I think somehow I probably know the answer.. but anyway..

 

 

I am a nearly 37 year old man/male who has never had a girlfriend. In addition most people tell me that I am good looking and can't figure out why I am single. Furthermore people find me funny, girls have had crushes on me over the years and I can chat to girls fairly easily. But if you can be bothered to keep reading this which I wouldn't blame you for not doing so there are some big emotional/psychological hurdles it seems which I like to ignore/deny and sometimes question the existence of..

 

In short I don't like myself, I always doubt myself, I fear rejection, I interpret rejection sometimes where there isn't.

I battle with ocd every day. I resent the singleness and loneliness have a strong faith but really resent my circumstances and am angry at God and my parents. Have seen different counsellors and had cbt over the years but I still struggle I'm still angry and lonely and dont like or accept myself. I haven't forgiven my parents at least I don't think so for not being at all supportive. I've got to get past this.

I've had dates but I always panic and quit before things get serious. I fear being controlled and losing control, dating/marrying the wrong person, settling for the wrong person, being engulfed. Ive chosen loneliness and isolation over attachment and engulfment.

 

Maybe I'm unable to receive anothers love if 'she' were unavailable and treated me badly I could accept that pain and obsession and infatuation make more sense then stability. I can't accept myself I refuse to. The self hatred mounts like a volcano building steam before it explodes in rage and hatred of God and self but somehow I hold onto my christian faith somehow maybe God will rescue or something. So there it is guess I've answered my question I'm a complete screw up.

 

Thats why I'm still single...

Any advice for a complete mess?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well you've been doing the right thing so far.

 

What have the professionals said to you? Do you have an OCD diagnosis? Any other diagnosis? Has medication been suggested to you? If so, has it helped?

 

You say your parents weren't supportive. In what ways weren't they supportive?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that you've struggled with this problem.

 

My first thought was, life is too short to move through it not liking yourself. That makes for a very unhappy life.

 

I suppose, the good news is... You have the ability to change that. If you are your own worst critic, then you can also become your own best supporter. It appears, learning how to do THAT is an important thing in your life.

 

I was an anxious dater. When I was younger, I wasn't comfortable taking risks, I didn't like feeling uncomfortable or out of control, and I often ended relationships before I could be hurt or feel rejected.

 

Two things that helped me...

 

I realized that I was already hurting. I thought that I would protect myself from the hurt if I isolated myself and did not take the risk, when in fact the opposite was actually happening. I was very lonely and I felt like I was missing out on all the good stuff. So no, I hadn't been dumped and I wasn't rejected... But, I was still hurting. It was just a different kind of hurt.

 

So, why not take the risk and see what happens...

 

The other thing that I came to realize with age and experience, I could not be controlled, or engulfed, or lost in the relationship because I simply would not allow that. I learned that a healthy relationship allows you to be vulnerable with another person and still maintain your independence, your freedom, and your sense of individuality - in a relationship. Crazy, huh! And, if you chose the wrong person... well, you get divorced. People do it everyday. I have had harder challenges in my life... I know that I could survive that, if it ever were to happen.

 

Good luck in your journey. I hope you find what you are looking for...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is really sad! The silver lining here is your faith. But there’s gotta be something big going on for you to hate yourself so much. I actually feel very sad for you reading this, you pretty much emulate by ex boyfriend and the next most serious guy I dated. Needless to say I have a type.

 

Have you read the book ‘Attached’- what you’re describing about fearing attachment is called avoidant attachment style. Do you fear loss? Was one or both of your parents emotionally unavailable to you as a child?

 

I’m sorry to spell out the truth but you will never rightfully love another unless you can love yourself. How you talked about being able to more readily accept poor treatment is very telling. You’re a child of God and you are loved very much. Life can be painful and sometimes we don’t understand the horrors of being human. We’re a fallen race, but I hope you can release your anger at God for this. It is man at fault.

 

Whatever is haunting you, I truly hope you can release it and let it be handed over to He who loves you.

 

You are in my prayers x

Link to post
Share on other sites

What have your counselors said about all of this?

 

I suspect part of the problem is that you don't like yourself. You have to be good to yourself before you can be good to somebody else. Being angry all the time doesn't help either. Find a way to forgive your parents. If they are genuinely horrible people keep them out of your life but rise above whatever you did.

 

Understand nobody likes rejection. It hurts. However, it's part of the process. One person's opinion or unwillingness to go out with you is not a wholesale condemnation of your entire life. It's one person's opinion & that person may be wrong.

 

You said you have gone on dates but then you bailed out of fear. Try sticking it out next time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi, thanks for all of your responses it's good to be completely honest and yet anonymous on this forum. I don't mind being honest with close male friends but then they are people I've got to know in person and know I can trust anyway enough preamble..

 

Hi Basil67 yes I've had an ocd diagnosis many years ago and am much improved since I first struggled with it but some issues remain and have remained for years i.e continual checking and doubts so I plateaued with my ocd recovery; so much more work to do but got to keep fighting and am having a phone call this week from a local mental health support team so probably will be on the waiting list for some more CBT so that is positive and am undecided on medication at this point but possibly antidepressants however I am having a really good day today so I'm doubting wether I need them (again). I haven't had any other diagnosis except I've self diagnosed depression with an online test a common problem for sure and a friend suggested some autistic traits but I would question that.. Also I don't think that either of my parents were supportive but mostly they did their reasonable best as I am one of seven so they were always very busy and normally very stressed.

Donnivain,

I wouldn't say my parents are horrible far from it just didnt cope well at being parents of 7 kids and thats not suprising at all. Also they had issues of their own such as very high stress levels mum and workaholism and rage issues Dad also stress related... Enough said there I think!

 

Yes I agree baileyb life is too short and I do need to take risks lots of them...

 

Thanks mkn1010 nice to meet a believer on here Im hoping my faith will provide the answer or should I say G-d will help me thru... Attachmentavoidant style sounds familiar so I will look into that some more. Went to church today and I feel great but come tomorrow well? We will see

 

Finally Donnivain yeah I agree of course its the advice I would give myself if I weren't myself .. Christian counsellors have pointed me back to God. Encouraged patience and kindness towards self and forgiveness all horrible cliches that belong in any hastily written Christian self-help blog but not untrue for all that.

 

Inner child therapy was an option but I ended up torpedoing that counsellor pushed too many buttons for me.. Guess its all a long journey and being on the right track is the important thing so Im just doing church things and church involvement and some bible and cbt if that works and good social life as best as possible and good friends and maybe maybe one day.... I'll have a partner or something... lol?

Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

I'm sorry that you are like this. YOu are doing the right thing by admitting that you have a problem / issue, which is the self esteem. But ...

 

Are you the type of person who MAKES THINGS HAPPEN? I mean are you the type of person who will lament and cry and be depressed about the fact that (let's say for the sake of argument that this is true) women always dump you, and then YOU dump a woman if she doesn't do it to MAKE it come true? And I also hope that you don't dump her by writing her an email or sending her a text. That is COWARDICE in all caps.

 

If there was something I could do or say to make you get the self confidence you need in order to do it, I would do or say it. Just like I would do or say to anyone who asks any sort of question on this forum. But ... I don't have it. I hope you find the solutions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What about your sexual orientation? sexual kinks? I ask because people living in strong religious environments sometimes have a hard time coming to terms with their own sexualities (some of them are totally clueless to the fact theier problem is that they are not attracted at all to the type of people they are *supposed* to be attracted to... and find some pretty creative ways to justify why they are not in relationships).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you've confessed on being a Christian, why are you angry with God? Your parents, yourself? Are you holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness? John 10:10 says that the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. Are you letting him do this? James 4:7 says to submit yourself to God and resist the devil and he will flee from you. This resisting is ongoing. I know that God is a good, loving God who has a bright future for you. The Bible, Word of God, is a reflection of who you really are. Don't let the world and other non-believers shape you. I'll pray that you have other Christian friends that can stand with you to overcome your fears, doubts and insecurities.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am very sorry you are going through this. I can tell you have been struggling for a long time. Have you considered talking to a pastor about your anger with God? That might be a good first step in tackling one of the issues that is troubling you. That twinge of Christianity you keep feeling is God telling you He loves you and wants you to love Him too. Once you settle that issue, you might find yourself a little more grounded and better able to tackle the next one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...