choyhtya Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Hey everyone, I'm starting to have an issue where it seems that when I like a girl, the feelings are never returned, but when I don't like a girl I can't keep her away. I (22M) just went on probably one of the best dates I've been on with a girl I met online (26). It was one of those dates where we talked and talked for hours. I was also smiling ear to ear for a really good portion of the time I was talking to her. Either one anyone who knows me will tell you that that's hard to do because I'm introverted. The date ended really well with kisses and her saying we should "definitely" do this again and I felt really good that I found someone I vibed with so well. I guess I got my hopes up which I know is stupid, beta, needy and everything. I just feel like an idiot for feeling like there was a connection that wasnt there. She ended up not wanting to make concrete plans for a second date so I did what I've done dozens of times and queitly deleted her on Snapchat and just stopped talking to her since she straight up ignored my text asking when she wanted to make plans. I just feel like an idiot because this is one of the only times I felt like I clicked with someone, so it hurt to walk away but I guess this whole experience was a moment of weakness for me. And I still really wish that this would have worked the way I wanted it too. The other part of my issue is that I've been seeing this other girl (27)for a few weeks too and she's starting to talk about wanting to be in a relationship. I mean I like her, but I'm not super enthused about being tied down with her. She's nice and all but idk she only checks off a few of the categories I guess. I'm tempted to just settle for her I guess because how many people will actually check off a lot of those. And if they do I still have the issue of them liking me back in the first place as well. But on the other hand, when I was shopping for the car that I own I took a great deal of time looking at cars before I chose the one that I have and that car ended up being perfect for my situation, and if I didn't spend the time that I did I probably wouldn't have found that because I would have been driving a different one. I'm kind of hesitant to use that same logic in dating. I like the whole idea of soul mates and that but dating is so much more emotional than buying a car and more complex. I settled for my ex it just wasn't that thrilling of a relationship, and when she dumped me I didn't really care. Now I'm just FWB with her but havnt taken advantage of that because frankly I don't like being around her, and I'm risking that if I settle again. Any thoughts on my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Finding a mate is a bit like shopping for a car. It takes time, patience, research & quite a few test drives. Keep early dates short, under 2 hours. The goal is to leave 'em wanting more not thinking that you have everything you had up front. Monitor your behavior with the women you like v the ones who like you. You are probably calmer & more reserved, not trying so hard with the ones who like you more then you like them. So you look more attractive, more confident. Try to be more reserved with the women you do fancy. Don't act like an over eager puppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 A car doesn't choose you back, see. So you can choose a woman, but if she's not interested, you have to find one who is, of course. I think when people have checklists, that can hold them back if they're beyond the basic. Like it really shouldn't even include body type or hair color or eye color but just things like has similar ethics, is kind, etc. Thing is you never know who you'll click with and if you really click with someone who maybe wasn't anyone who got your attention right away because they were your physical preference, really clicking with them can make them way more attractive to you. Granted, it's kind of rare, but it does happen. You find that person you just have so much to say to and vice versa, and it doesn't matter as much the other stuff. Anyway, the good thing is you are dating, so you are successfully dating. You are in a bit of a hurry to find the one. Once you reach my age, well, even long before you reach my age, you will look back on memories and realize the journey was more important and more significant than the end game. You have to learn to enjoy the journey and get something out of everyone you date or are friends with to really enjoy life. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) My thoughts are take your time. Where is the fire Edited January 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author choyhtya Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 A car doesn't choose you back, see. So you can choose a woman, but if she's not interested, you have to find one who is, of course. I think when people have checklists, that can hold them back if they're beyond the basic. Like it really shouldn't even include body type or hair color or eye color but just things like has similar ethics, is kind, etc. Thing is you never know who you'll click with and if you really click with someone who maybe wasn't anyone who got your attention right away because they were your physical preference, really clicking with them can make them way more attractive to you. Granted, it's kind of rare, but it does happen. You find that person you just have so much to say to and vice versa, and it doesn't matter as much the other stuff. Anyway, the good thing is you are dating, so you are successfully dating. You are in a bit of a hurry to find the one. Once you reach my age, well, even long before you reach my age, you will look back on memories and realize the journey was more important and more significant than the end game. You have to learn to enjoy the journey and get something out of everyone you date or are friends with to really enjoy life. Good luck. I see what your saying. I felt like we clicked more than anything on the date, and it's been a really long time since I had it happen. She didn't even look like the kind of woman that I would usually go after. I'm a guy that like bigger gals, but she was on the skinnier side and had braces lol. So it's a little confusing why things went the way they did but **** happens I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author choyhtya Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 My thoughts are take your time. Where is the fire Your likely right lol. It's easier said than done for me though. Have you ever told a competitive person not to be competitive lol Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 I see what your saying. I felt like we clicked more than anything on the date, and it's been a really long time since I had it happen. She didn't even look like the kind of woman that I would usually go after. I'm a guy that like bigger gals, but she was on the skinnier side and had braces lol. So it's a little confusing why things went the way they did but **** happens I suppose. Yeah. I used to all the time say "There's no accounting for taste." It used to really bug me when someone I liked a lot would go after someone I just thought was not as good as me. You have to at some point just accept that what's in everyone's head is different and you can't change it. I mean, on their end it can be something real personal like you remind them of their skeevy uncle or they are immature and have this ideal guy in their head and can't get past that. Once I caught myself ignoring a really awesome guy who was paying attention to me and I finally realized it went way back to my early college days and the guy's face looked like this guy's face that I really didn't like who was kind of mean and evil. It was all subconscious. I finally told the guy that and started getting to know him. You'll eventually click with the right person or persons. Meanwhile, just try to brush off the rejections and assume it's about them and not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Assuming you've truly given Girl B a fair shot already —*a few dates or so — I don't think you two should continue things. Look at what you've written about her. If someone felt that blah and unexcited about you, would you want to stay in that relationship? Some of this is the irrational human instinct to always want you can't have. Girl A intrigues you all the more now because she rejected you. Maybe Girl B has made things too easy, and that's part of the reason for your boredom. No one here can tell you if you're being too harsh on this girl, or possibly shortchanging her. (I know I've personally been in several relationships where I really took the person for granted, but didn't realize it til later.) Regardless, though, the start of a relationship should have more sense of fun and excitement —*you should not feel already like you're "settling." You should not be able to compare it to a car purchase. So for both of your sake's, it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
HowToGetHimToCommit Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Hey Choyhtya, This is such a common problem and was also something I sue to suffer from when I was younge, but not anymore, I fugured it out Basically, it has to do with energy. When we really like someone we energetically lean towards them and sub-consciously the other person picks up on it and can feel your intention as being either a bit too needy or a bit too keen and it puts them off. Someone who gave me the insights on this that totally changed this for me said; 'Imagine you have a seed inside you for liking the other person and they had a seed inside them for liking you and between the two of you there is a pool of water. By being too keen on the other person you're energetically sucking up all the water for your seed and not leaving them enough water to water their seed for liking you.' Meditation then helped me to become more grounded and stop energetically leaning forward (metaphorically) without realising and pushing the other person away. Does that make sense? Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Hey Choyhtya, This is such a common problem and was also something I sue to suffer from when I was younge, but not anymore, I fugured it out Basically, it has to do with energy. When we really like someone we energetically lean towards them and sub-consciously the other person picks up on it and can feel your intention as being either a bit too needy or a bit too keen and it puts them off. Someone who gave me the insights on this that totally changed this for me said; 'Imagine you have a seed inside you for liking the other person and they had a seed inside them for liking you and between the two of you there is a pool of water. By being too keen on the other person you're energetically sucking up all the water for your seed and not leaving them enough water to water their seed for liking you.' Meditation then helped me to become more grounded and stop energetically leaning forward (metaphorically) without realising and pushing the other person away. Does that make sense? Best of luck. Nice analogy, Grasshopper. Easy to envision. A complex subject illustrated simply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author choyhtya Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 Hey Choyhtya, This is such a common problem and was also something I sue to suffer from when I was younge, but not anymore, I fugured it out Basically, it has to do with energy. When we really like someone we energetically lean towards them and sub-consciously the other person picks up on it and can feel your intention as being either a bit too needy or a bit too keen and it puts them off. Someone who gave me the insights on this that totally changed this for me said; 'Imagine you have a seed inside you for liking the other person and they had a seed inside them for liking you and between the two of you there is a pool of water. By being too keen on the other person you're energetically sucking up all the water for your seed and not leaving them enough water to water their seed for liking you.' Meditation then helped me to become more grounded and stop energetically leaning forward (metaphorically) without realising and pushing the other person away. Does that make sense? Best of luck. That's actually really intriguing, I'm kind of a spirtual dude but I keep it on the down low. Maybe you could say it like two magnets of opposite piles trying to get together too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author choyhtya Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Well I posted a pic of me and the other girl on Snapchat and the one that I went on the date with didn't say anything when she saw it so I guess I'm out of tricks. Probably just going to settle for this girl that I'm seeing at this point better than being alone ? Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 No one's advice included settling for this girl that you're lackluster about and yet that's what you're leaning toward doing? I do believe in the energetic dynamics that were mentioned above. When you really like someone, thinking about them all the time (and/or carrying an obsession), your energy wraps all over them and they don't have the space to miss you. They feel your presence as "always there," subconsciously pulling at them, and this turns them away. Usually when you start to move on and your energy withdraws, they'll pop in to say hello. I saw a diagram of this years ago and it's too bad I don't still have it to show you because it made so much sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author choyhtya Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 No one's advice included settling for this girl that you're lackluster about and yet that's what you're leaning toward doing? I do believe in the energetic dynamics that were mentioned above. When you really like someone, thinking about them all the time (and/or carrying an obsession), your energy wraps all over them and they don't have the space to miss you. They feel your presence as "always there," subconsciously pulling at them, and this turns them away. Usually when you start to move on and your energy withdraws, they'll pop in to say hello. I saw a diagram of this years ago and it's too bad I don't still have it to show you because it made so much sense to me. The reason I'm leaning towards her now is because I can it's someone to watch movies And have sex with which is good enough for now. Honestly I feel kind of desperate right now too. Realistically I have no reason to feel that way when there's guys out there who are in there 30s and still virgins and I'm sitting here far from a virgin and well experienced when it comes to dating. The more I'm thinking about it the more I'm starting to realize this is kind of a first world issue and I'm making a bug deal out of nothing. I kind of get the theory. The only issue is if she pops back I'm worried it'll just reignite those same exact really weak emotions and I'll be back in the same boat. Like I tried really hard to suppress them too. I'm starting to hope that she just doesn't now lol, I've blown this way out do proportion, I feel some junior high kid who just met his first girl lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author choyhtya Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Maybe I won't settle after all. Link to post Share on other sites
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