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Never Dated


lostsoul25

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Hi,

 

I am in my mid 30s and never asked a girl out, let alone been on a date.

 

I feel like im missing out so much in life and dont know how to get out of this cycle in life that im in. Just going to work and home etc. I literally can never see myself getting out of it.

 

I was telling an online friend about it and she could not understand it, i suppose probably down to it usually being a guys job to ask someone out and probably never had to do it herself.

 

Most of the time I see pretty girls at work, some I talk to when passing, not about anything exciting, maybe just what they are making for lunch or how joke about how much photocopying they have.

 

There is a girl i think is really pretty across the corridor. I just dont know what to do, i was talking with her today as above, then had a pause while waiting for her to finish, as i thought damn i wish i could ask her out. thought about it alot even better today.

 

How do you tell if someone is interested or just being friendly?

 

I dont know how old she is, im a terrible judge to know if she is similar, i think probably younger. I am inside shy but to others i am not when in my comfort zone of the office or ppl i know, talking about nothing. But in the social situaton of wanting to date i have no experience or confidence to get the words to ask someone out.

 

I always think how they would feel, awkward for them if they are not interested and having to respond. and obviously the rejection if it was actually a no.

 

I take no risks and know i dont get any reward.

 

I dont know what to do, its easy for people to just say ask her out, ask her if she wants to go for a drink/coffee after work.

 

Such an easy thing fills me with dread :(

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Do you know if this girl is single or not? If she is, just ask to grab coffee or lunch some time. If not, do it anyway but not as a date. Maybe she knows someone she can hook you up with. Worst case scenario, you've made a new friend.

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First off, I feel your pain. I am often of the mindset of not wanting to bother someone or not wanting to make a situation (especially the workplace) an awkward one. Thus I have foregone asking out women who I'm pretty darned sure would have said yes if I'd just nutted up and done so.

 

But, there's been times I've been lucky and here's how it goes.

 

First off, being attractive helps. Do you take care of yourself?

 

Second, establish SOME, ANY kind of mutual interest outside of work. Food at a new/exciting place is an easy one. Drinks probably too. Once you've done that, tell her, "we should get together and (do x,y,z)"

 

If you get ANY kind of positive reaction, affirm when and how that will happen. Boom, you have your date.

 

If you get "I dunno I'm busy" or "hmmm" or anything not close to "yeah!" ... drop it and back off.

 

Note: I know some of you uber cool players hanging out on loveshack.org will say this is too namby pamby, but this guy needs to learn to crawl.

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I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Honesty and understanding each other's expectations are very central to an honest and trusting relationship. But first you need a relationship. If you have any female friends that you don't date, maybe you can hang with them. Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? If you're having problems talking with a girl, just ask them about themselves. I'll pray and stand with you that your future is bright with the woman that fulfills your needs!

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You have to take risks. You sound like me when I was younger. I stood back and waited too long and when I got round to asking it was a "no". I d then dwell on it for months.

 

 

I did that few times and now I'm 43 and STILL single. I look back now and wish I took some risks.

 

 

My job now is I work in sales, and I ve learned for every 10 people you ask. There will be at least 1 who will say yes. The more you ask the more youre likely to get a date.

 

 

Got for it!

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Hi,

 

I am in my mid 30s and never asked a girl out, let alone been on a date.

 

I feel like im missing out so much in life and dont know how to get out of this cycle in life that im in. Just going to work and home etc. I literally can never see myself getting out of it.

 

I was telling an online friend about it and she could not understand it, i suppose probably down to it usually being a guys job to ask someone out and probably never had to do it herself.

 

Most of the time I see pretty girls at work, some I talk to when passing, not about anything exciting, maybe just what they are making for lunch or how joke about how much photocopying they have.

 

There is a girl i think is really pretty across the corridor. I just dont know what to do, i was talking with her today as above, then had a pause while waiting for her to finish, as i thought damn i wish i could ask her out. thought about it alot even better today.

 

How do you tell if someone is interested or just being friendly?

 

I dont know how old she is, im a terrible judge to know if she is similar, i think probably younger. I am inside shy but to others i am not when in my comfort zone of the office or ppl i know, talking about nothing. But in the social situaton of wanting to date i have no experience or confidence to get the words to ask someone out.

 

I always think how they would feel, awkward for them if they are not interested and having to respond. and obviously the rejection if it was actually a no.

 

I take no risks and know i dont get any reward.

 

I dont know what to do, its easy for people to just say ask her out, ask her if she wants to go for a drink/coffee after work.

 

Such an easy thing fills me with dread :(

 

 

 

I don't have the answer for you but I am in much the same situation as you. What I do is try occupy my time with meaningful things to me, things I enjoy, yes like you I feel I am missing out on life but you also cant wonder through life thinking you are missing out.

 

 

Enjoy what you have, enjoy the things you do. Having said that if you absolutely want to date you need to take some risk, I did and granted I just found the whole process extremely disappointing because nobody I ever like likes me.

 

 

Find out if she is single and them more from there. Be careful office dating isn't the best of ideas.

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Thankyou for peoples responses.

 

I dont work with the person, she is just across the corridor and thats how our paths cross.

 

I wish I had a way to find out if she was single, i dont know many ppl in that office that i could ask without alerting anyone.

 

Its not normally a problem for me talking to people, even those i dont know while at work, about nothing particular. But as soon as its a pretty girl that im interested it, my skills shut down, probably due to zero experience at asking out or dating.

 

Im baffled to how ive got to this point in life, why or how ive messed up doing the building blocks of life, like everyone else. no wonder it worries me and cant make myself take the leap.

 

Wouldnt dream of speaking or approaching anyone in a bar either.

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Hey man, you're not alone.

 

I'm in 29, and I've never been in a relationship either (not even kissed or held hands or anything) so here's what you need to do:

 

- basically take your time to find out if she's the right person for you, or have chemistry and all that

 

- make sure you're comfortable with yourself, in terms of finance, confidence, etc.

 

Someone told me that his brother has been on numerous dates (match, okcupid, eharmony, etc) and he eventually found someone and got married.

 

Basically it takes effort to find someone that's right for you, it's mostly a numbers game and you still need to take time to learn about yourself as well as your desires and "perfect match".

 

You are in a good position b/c you've avoided clumsy relationships, or wrong girls, you name it.

 

Take your time.

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Dating sucks dear, and I wish I could go back to before falling in love.

 

That line about "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" is bull****.

 

Consider yourself lucky dear. It is for the best.

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Well.... OP, you can follow th advice of those who have failed in this realm, or start looking for real solutions.

 

You say you work and go back home again.

 

Do you have friends you socialize with? Are you good at making male friends? Have you ever had female friends?

 

From my observation those who have the best luck in dating are those that have pretty good social skills.

 

They are comfortable starting conversations, they do a good job of reading people, verbally and more importantly non verbally.

 

If you aren't comfortable socializing - that's where I would start.

 

It's going to be hard to just ask a girl out and get somewhere with it if you aren't used to socializing in general.

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double whammy!!

 

Cant read signals, and shy.

 

so I will start with something I'm sure you are unaware of but is legit.

 

VIBE!! so ALL people give a vibe. energy that others feel, see, and react too. If you cant read signals, your vibe is friendly, safe, unassuming, good guy.

 

This wont work for dating. if you don't kn ow what your putting out, then how can you know what is being received.

 

when you think of asking out this girl, your insecurity and lack of confidence causes a vacuum inward, panic. this feeling needs to change and where you start. Change this, presto, youll have a date

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You're not missing much. At all.

 

yes, yea your missing a lot..

 

your missing attraction, excitement, intrigue, perspective, growth, pain, love, lust, understanding, comprise, anger, frustration, confusion, communication, loyalty...

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To get women, you need to do two things. Get women to notice you and give them a reason to want to date you. If you can do those two things, the rest will fall into place.

 

This.

 

You basically need to show your value (which i'm trying to work on my own) and show a good reason to be dateable person

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This.

 

You basically need to show your value (which i'm trying to work on my own) and show a good reason to be dateable person

 

this is insane.

 

show your value???? dateable????

 

are you kidding!!

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Well.... OP, you can follow th advice of those who have failed in this realm, or start looking for real solutions.

 

You say you work and go back home again.

 

Do you have friends you socialize with? Are you good at making male friends? Have you ever had female friends?

 

From my observation those who have the best luck in dating are those that have pretty good social skills.

 

They are comfortable starting conversations, they do a good job of reading people, verbally and more importantly non verbally.

 

If you aren't comfortable socializing - that's where I would start.

 

It's going to be hard to just ask a girl out and get somewhere with it if you aren't used to socializing in general.

 

Outside work no, i dont really have friends or a social network.

The majority of my friends are from work, mostly are actually female.

 

I talk to people all the time at work about nothing particular no problem.

 

A pretty girl at work i can make little conversation with, but the difficulty is if in my own mind i have an alternative motive, would like to ask out etc i cant get myself to do it.

 

The more i see her the more attractive she is, follows with me being more frustrated with myself lol

 

Over the years i have no idea if any girl ive spoke to has ever been interested, its very rare my path seems to cross with someone that is single.

 

Ironically when i find out someones not available, all pressure disappears, almost like relief, but im still the one left on my own

 

I know one day it will all be too late and will wish did something, knowing that i simply cant do it, with having confidence issues very early in life, not being good looking in my opinion, never dating or setting the foundations in early life, really seems to have messed everything up.

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Wow, I could've written the original post myself, there are too many similarities between my life and the OP's. I am 35 years old and have only asked someone out once in my life, four months ago; she rejected me and I still feel like dirt because of it. I have also been on the other end, a short time after that happened, someone showed interest in me (I have no idea why, I am below average looking guy and gave her no signals at all) and even asked me out and this time I was the one who did the rejecting, firstly because I was not attracted to her, but also because she is someone from work and even if I liked her, it would not be right.

 

 

A pretty girl at work i can make little conversation with, but the difficulty is if in my own mind i have an alternative motive, would like to ask out etc i cant get myself to do it.

 

The more i see her the more attractive she is, follows with me being more frustrated with myself lol

 

Over the years i have no idea if any girl ive spoke to has ever been interested, its very rare my path seems to cross with someone that is single.

I completely understand, I only asked that girl out, because she showed interest in me (that never happened to me before), but apparently she was just manipulating me or maybe lost interest all of a sudden, I’ll never know.

Lately, I’ve been trying to engage in more conversations with women I am attracted to, just friendly talk without the intention to ask them out, just some small training in socializing, maybe that will lead somewhere someday.

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Welcome to the real world.

 

I completely understand your perspective. I felt that way once.

 

When a women sees your value, she sees you when you are in your natural sate of being, sees value when your unware of showing value.

 

Your value is you, who you are, what you like, how you treat others. You don't show your value, your value is exposed through your natural state.

 

The other factor you fail to acknowledge is, How do you know what each women values? do you change what your showing to match her values?

 

Matching values is harmonious. its organic man!

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healing light

I would join a meet up group or similar club that is geared toward bringing strangers together with a common interest. This way the focus isn't on dating, but you are able to build up socializing skills. The common hobby will give you something to talk about while you make new friends, male and female. This will expand your social circle and hopefully your comfort in conversing with women.

 

If one of them there happens to pique your interest, casually inquire getting together over coffee or something similar. If not, it's still not time wasted because now you have several other avenues of meeting potential love interests. At the very least, you've had fun and made yourself more interesting by investing time in an outside hobby or activity.

 

Perhaps strike up casual conversations while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. to practice becoming more comfortable in talking to women that you find attractive.

 

At some point (hopefully sooner rather than later), you'll have to take the plunge and ask a woman out, but I think doing so in a fun/no-pressure/non-work environment will lend itself to the greatest chances of success.

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At some point (hopefully sooner rather than later), you'll have to take the plunge and ask a woman out, but I think doing so in a fun/no-pressure/non-work environment will lend itself to the greatest chances of success.

 

I agree with this, the theory behind is very good, how to make it work is less easy. What you need to do is find some way to connect with people, if I had to guess most of us who battle with dating don't connect with the people.

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Yeah, show your value. I have a fat, bald, now unemployed friend that I have known for years. Oh, and he lives with his parents. How much value relationship wise do you think women are gonna put on that guy? Rhetorical question; almost none. The guy hasn't had a GF in around 10 years and rarely even gets dates. Now, if that same guy happened to lose some weight, get a decent job, maybe move out of his parent's home, he would gain some value to the ladies. He's a nice guy and funny, but as it stands, pretty much no women are gonna date this guy and his life experience shows it.

 

Like my initial post here said, we all need to bring something to the table for people to want to date us, even if that is just being really, really good looking. For men, we need to find a way to get women to notice us, and then show them somehow that we are a guy they want to be with. All pretty simple.

 

 

If only.

 

 

To have value you need to see the value in yourself first.

 

 

Its dubious at best the perceived value ladies place on guys, if you think about it, its all a lot of BS in the sense the weighting will always be more to the superficial and this goes for guys and ladies.

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I usually don’t recommend dating somebody from office but in this case, I think you should go for it. You’re clearly attracted to her and even if you bomb, there’s a lot that can be learned.

 

When I’m interacting with a person I’m attracted to, I like to go with the flow. I try not to overthink and just let the attraction control my actions. I find that our brains are naturally programmed to make us more charming when dealing with attractive people but most times we get in our own way by bringing our past experiences or anxieties into the picture.

 

With all of your baggage when it comes to asking out women, you’re probably going to struggle to relax and enjoy the situation so you could use a canned approach. The next time you see her alone, do the following:

1) Make eye contact and smile.

2) Start a conversation about anything and try to get her to laugh. You can make her laugh about your goofy style, your lack of self confidence, the weirdo at work, the copy machine, whatever. You just need to make her laugh.

3) If you were successful with the above step, you will have successfully created a good vibe to justify you asking her out. This is when you should say this:

“I think you’re cute and you’re fun to talk to. (Giving her your phone) I want you to give me your number.” If she asks why, just say that you like her and you would like to hang out with her sometime.

 

Hopefully she’ll give you her number and you can take things forward from there but if she doesn’t, just smile and walk away.

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Yeah, I'm about a year from 30, myself, and I've never been "involved" with a girl in any way. It used to bother me a lot, sometimes it still does, but I've come to accept that I have nothing whatsoever to offer to a partner, and I don't see that changing any time soon, probably not ever. So, it's definitely something I "fantasize" about, but I know and understand that I can't have that in my life.

 

As far as who to date, I, myself, learned the hard way that attraction to coworkers is a very, very bad thing. At least for me, personally. That is one of my biggest personal regrets; about 5-6 years ago, I worked with someone, and I felt like we had great chemistry and I thought she was into me, too, but she was not, and when I made my feelings known, it just made the workplace awkward, and I had trouble handling the rejection and I just made things worse, which ultimately cost me any friendship I had with her. I still kinda hate myself for how this all went down, but unfortunately, if I found myself in a similar situation, I'm fairly certain I would make all the same mistakes, because I don't "learn" from my mistakes, and because in the moment, I let my emotions get the better of me, and I make a lot of very dumb choices.

 

So, I've decided internally that I will never, ever pursue a coworker, or someone I see regularly from some other shared activity, because all it leads to is bad things. Of course, this doesn't help me much, because on the flip side, I would never, ever pursue a total stranger or someone I didn't know, because I generally need to "know" someone a bit in order to even know that I'm attracted to them. So, that puts me in a position with basically no options. Granted, I didn't really have "options" to begin with, since again, there's no way I could attract someone romantically, so...

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