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Cant say "Why Bother Dating" but is it really worth the bother?


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Firstly, im not going to say my dating experience has been all bad, it has given me much greater self confidence and self respect. I dress better these days, i no longer bite my nails, im better organised, curiously and I believe I am a far more positive person for doing it, but generally speaking, dating sucks!

 

Possibly we all agree most first dates are excruciatingly dull, but a good first date for you can seem like a great first date to them and vice versa so in that regard id rather have a dull first date. As for a great first date for both of you, I thought id just had one but, apparently not, so I can't say.

 

So, assuming a mutually great first date between two people is achievable, what happens then? Reading other posts here the pain, frustration and confusion clearly isn't over no matter how well you get on to begin with so what in gods name are we all doing this for?

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Are you doing online dating?

 

I'm old and I've never done OLD. But back when I was young and dating, a new date was pretty rare and something a bit special. Most of the time, we'd already met in person and knew we could talk easily (eg; at a house party) and so the date would be significantly more than catching up for a drink or coffee. A person could go months or even a span of a couple of years without a date.

 

These days, dating is like shopping on Amazon. Go through profiles ruthlessly and find a few that might fit. Date more than one person at a time. It's no surprise to me that people are finding dating to be unsatisfactory.

 

I think that slowing it all down and allowing it to happen organically would be wonderful. But with "progress" that's never going to happen.

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The Urbanyst

Dating sucks because its colossally outdated and corny.

 

This is mostly due to technology and pop culture. There is a very "forced" and structured way dating is done these days which is highly unnatural.

 

Relationships form best under relaxed and natural settings where two people just spend time together and get to know each other.

 

When you treat it like a job interview and you have some stupid list of things the person has to say, wear or do for you to like them like you're buying a flippin' car then of course its going to suck lol.

Edited by The Urbanyst
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Dating sucks because its colossally outdated and corny.

<snip>

Relationships form best under relaxed and natural settings where two people just spend time together and get to know each other.

<snip>

 

A relaxed and natural setting where two people just spend time together and get to know each other. You mean like dinner? Or going to the beach? Or a picnic? That's a date.

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I struggle with this a lot, except I can't say i've come out happier or feeling better about myself after dating.

 

I have a bad combo of being dumped a lot but also being very sensitive of being dumped.

 

I hate first dates. They give me panic attacks. I go on a date, get into a relationship, and it ends anyway.

 

I would start getting hobbies. I'd get happy and meet someone. In the end I'd be unhappy again. Why should i put myself through this?

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To me there are two type of dates: One arrange via OLD, blind dates, or where you asked for a phone number late at night and barely know the other person. The second one is where you met the person at work, school, a party or other social event, and already had a chance to talk to them. The initial contact has been made.

 

Most of my dates fell into she 2nd category, and they are usually pleasant because I had an idea what I was getting into. Maybe that is what The Urbanyist is referring to, that the mechanics (and expectations) of the latter are being applied to the former.

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The Urbanyst
A relaxed and natural setting where two people just spend time together and get to know each other. You mean like dinner? Or going to the beach? Or a picnic? That's a date.

 

The minute you call it a "date" it stops being relaxed.

 

A relaxed setting is one where no one has an agenda and people just enjoy each others company. Dates have agendas, which makes them more like job interviews.

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Cookiesandough
Firstly, im not going to say my dating experience has been all bad, it has given me much greater self confidence and self respect. I dress better these days, i no longer bite my nails, im better organised, curiously and I believe I am a far more positive person for doing it, but generally speaking, dating sucks!

 

Possibly we all agree most first dates are excruciatingly dull, but a good first date for you can seem like a great first date to them and vice versa so in that regard id rather have a dull first date. As for a great first date for both of you, I thought id just had one but, apparently not, so I can't say.

 

So, assuming a mutually great first date between two people is achievable, what happens then? Reading other posts here the pain, frustration and confusion clearly isn't over no matter how well you get on to begin with so what in gods name are we all doing this for?

Another date. And then another. And then another. And then more and more expectations that get higher and higher. It doesn't end until perhaps you're in a union neither of you can get out of without a great deal of loss and trauma. Then you can start getting comfortable.

 

I think a first date is just the beginning of a long chain of events that probably isn't worth the bother for a lot of people

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The minute you call it a "date" it stops being relaxed.

 

It doesn't need to be called anything. I can't recall ever being asked on a "date". But I've certainly been asked to dinner...and known that it's a date.

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I have gone out with lots of women. I have women friends. My take is this. Until I am with a woman that really treats me well and goes out of her way to show me that. I try not to take anything too serious. No woman is going to crush me emotional, because we don't click.

 

At age 46. Here is what I notice. The more of a stranger she is. The more it does not work out. There needs to be a repore established first.

 

I also am not forcing any woman to be romantic with me. So I may introduce myself and start a conversation. If she bats back the conversation and makes an effort to interact with me beyond that. I may ask her out. If it turns romantic it will be organic. I guess If I pay, its more romantic and I am exploring a more romantic situation. I don't want to always appear that I am on the make.

 

Women that like me romantically. They just let me know. There really is no major shift to that.

 

To be truthful. I think a lot of us here are tired of the single life and want a change. Yet we want it to be a great person. Not just have someone for the sake of it. Thats our collective problem here for those that are single.

 

I think that most of us should date less or have some mental checklist. We can go up and talk to anyone. Its just that to date. They are going to have to make an effort with us and we need confirmation that they are at least Single/Widowed/Divorced. If separated. I think that we need to pull back from them and give them the space to finish up there relationship.

 

Separated people should just take the time to chill out and not date or anything like that. Go finish up your divorce, so that your new partner when it happens. Does not have to deal with your ex for the most part.

 

I think a lot of prayers to the universe to help us with this is a great tool as well. We can't always think tank our lives. I don't know if we would all meet someone that is 90 and have them say that everything they did was so well planned and it went their way for the most part. We can't control everything in our lives. I think society pressures us way too much to get coupled. Even if the person is not ideal. If you do see couples that are fawning over each other. Thats just lust and the newness of a relationship. Its not a seasoned couple for the most part. So don't let it get to you.

 

I think for me its going to come when I least expect it and when I am more chill. Not when I am on the hunt. So for the most part. i don't ask out every single women I meet. She has to be engaging beyond her looks. for that to happen.

 

We can be on here and speculate and think tank our lives and its a good excersize to have happen. We just have to make sure its not making us sad and causing us grief along the way. My motto is to work out. Pray to the universe for good things to happen. Have a mini checklist in your head for the type of man/woman that you would explore having a relationship with. have time for yourself/family/friends.

 

My mini checklist is a woman that is single/widowed/divorced with out kids. Or the same with 1-2 kids. Thats it. I don't think at age 46. I would handle a woman with a bunch of kids, as it would be too much for me to handle unless the woman as 50 and at least 3 or 4 of the kids were out of the house or more adult. She lives and wants to stay in our city. She also makes a effort to connect with me, beyond me having to be the driving force behind it.

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It really takes the right frame of mind for dating to be enjoyable. Honestly, I think a person has to be completely comfortable with being single before they will have fun dating. There's just too many expectations placed on it otherwise. Basically, I go out on a date just looking to meet someone new, strike up a conversation and have a good time. If the date goes reasonably well then we'll plan another and see how things go. If the date is abysmal then nothing progresses further; one of us parts ways.

 

I also believe that a lot of it comes down to taking things slowly. I avoid going into a date with the firm thought that I am looking for a long-term relationship from someone. I want to spend time with them, see if we click, and gradually move on from there. Many people hit the dating scene with tunnel-vision and are always asking themselves "IS THIS THE ONE?!?!"..

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It really takes the right frame of mind for dating to be enjoyable. Honestly, I think a person has to be completely comfortable with being single before they will have fun dating. There's just too many expectations placed on it otherwise. Basically, I go out on a date just looking to meet someone new, strike up a conversation and have a good time. If the date goes reasonably well then we'll plan another and see how things go. If the date is abysmal then nothing progresses further; one of us parts ways.

 

I also believe that a lot of it comes down to taking things slowly. I avoid going into a date with the firm thought that I am looking for a long-term relationship from someone. I want to spend time with them, see if we click, and gradually move on from there. Many people hit the dating scene with tunnel-vision and are always asking themselves "IS THIS THE ONE?!?!"..

I disagree. I think on some level a person should be a little dissatisfied with their situation to want them date.

 

I'm a prime example of someone who is very happy and satisfied being alone. It's too easy to go years without going on a date, let alone a relationship.

 

I'm already happy, so why bother? Dating seems to bring a lot of irritation.

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I disagree. I think on some level a person should be a little dissatisfied with their situation to want them date.

 

I'm a prime example of someone who is very happy and satisfied being alone. It's too easy to go years without going on a date, let alone a relationship.

 

I'm already happy, so why bother? Dating seems to bring a lot of irritation.

 

There's a difference between being "dissatisfied" and wanting to enjoy a romantic relationship. I'm dating again to hopefully add to my life, not to fill some void.

 

I think many people date because they are unhappy with life on some level and feel like a relationship will help alleviate that some of that. In my experience, this just becomes a vicious cycle. They put a lot of time and energy into dating with high expectations and don't get the return they want. I know I was certainly like this. I didn't like being alone, I saw all of my friends and family out with significant others and it bothered me. I went on date after date and ended up disappointed, on way or another, because I put so much emotional energy into it.

 

I have a date planned for tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. She seems like a nice gal and we could have a good time together. However, it won't phase me if she cancels or just completely ghosts me. I'll just watch football, play video games or see what one of my friends are up to. In fact, before I planned this date, I was talking to another woman about meeting up tomorrow.

 

But, she completely flaked on me over the last couple of days so I moved forward. If she gets a hold of me today and asks about tomorrow, I'll politely tell her that I have other plans and let her know that I don't think it'd work with her and I. I'm not angry with her or frustrated with her but her actions are painting a picture of a person that I don't want to go out with.

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There's a difference between being "dissatisfied" and wanting to enjoy a romantic relationship. I'm dating again to hopefully add to my life, not to fill some void.

 

I think many people date because they are unhappy with life on some level and feel like a relationship will help alleviate that some of that. In my experience, this just becomes a vicious cycle. They put a lot of time and energy into dating with high expectations and don't get the return they want. I know I was certainly like this. I didn't like being alone, I saw all of my friends and family out with significant others and it bothered me. I went on date after date and ended up disappointed, on way or another, because I put so much emotional energy into it.

 

I have a date planned for tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. She seems like a nice gal and we could have a good time together. However, it won't phase me if she cancels or just completely ghosts me. I'll just watch football, play video games or see what one of my friends are up to. In fact, before I planned this date, I was talking to another woman about meeting up tomorrow.

 

But, she completely flaked on me over the last couple of days so I moved forward. If she gets a hold of me today and asks about tomorrow, I'll politely tell her that I have other plans and let her know that I don't think it'd work with her and I. I'm not angry with her or frustrated with her but her actions are painting a picture of a person that I don't want to go out with.

 

I suppose that's what I was getting at, not for everyone a relationship is adding something.

 

Or perhaps the relationship does add something, but it's short lived. Or perhaps the road just to get that date let alone a partner is so difficult to some it cancels out a lot of joy. I could just sit here without dating just as easily. Personally, the things I've been through if i could go back, there's much i would change. I would've gotten married in high school or college and other than that not bothered with dating, but hindsight is always 20/20. Some of the things i went through and did were down right dangerous, and imo not worth what i've gotten in return.

 

This may be a personality difference between you and I. i love my solitude, my alone time, my time to think and explore myself and new things. For what I like to do, another person isn't necessary.

 

I suppose there are people who date to fill that void. However, there are some of us on the other side of the spectrum who are extremely turned inward.

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Cookiesandough
I suppose that's what I was getting at, not for everyone a relationship is adding something.

 

 

This may be a personality difference between you and I. i love my solitude, my alone time, my time to think and explore myself and new things. For what I like to do, another person isn't.

 

 

 

I know exactly what you mean . Man, it feels good someone understands. I think sometimes had I dated more, Or had I had a boyfriend in high school and a series of dating experiences there after, I would be less comfortable with singlehood (or more comfortable in a rship)

 

You know though, this made me think, dating and relationships are different in that you quit at the beginning.. I don't think you can continue going on 'dates' with one person and not have it turn into a relationship of sorts, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.

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I

 

You know though, this made me think, dating and relationships are different in that you quit at the beginning.. I don't think you can continue going on 'dates' with one person and not have it turn into a relationship of sorts, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.

 

I think this is where people have problems when they hit the dating scene. They multi-date and run into problems for a variety of reasons or they jump head first into a "serious relationship." Personally, I enjoy dating as long as it's with one person at a time and things are taken slowly.

 

Basically, I make it clear early on that yes, I am looking for a relationship but that the seriousness of the relationship needs to develop over time. I don't jump into the sack very quickly, I don't spend a lot of nights over at their place (or vice versa) early on and we just date, hang out and see where things go.

 

My last serious relationship went from zero to sixty within the space of about two weeks. We were talking about potentially living with each other after a month and a half and having discussions about our "future" (i.e. marriage, kids, etc..) after thee months. It was just too much, too fast and there were too many expectations tossed out there because of the "serious relationship" tag. I didn't want to see anyone else but I needed things to calm down as it was hard to enjoy each other's company at times when there was always this expectation of "building a life together..".

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Oats, what kind of problems did you encounter when you were multi dating?

 

1. Scheduling issues. I meet a couple of women that I am interested in and then have to juggle my schedule to make time for multiple dates. I know I have missed out on a couple of quality dates (and potentially good relationships) because of this.

 

2. I found myself continually comparing one woman to another and didn't feel like I truly gave any of them a chance. There was one in particular that I wish I had just focused on as she was s sweetheart and we had a lot in common. But, I was seeing another woman at the time and talking to a couple of others. I pretty much shorted myself.

 

3. Overall, I just found it to be a pain in the ass. I had about a month of dates every Friday and Saturday and it became exhausting. I just didn't have enough time for myself. There were a few quality dates, a few were so-so and several were absolutely AWFUL. I needed to cut back to dating one person just to give myself a breather.

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I know exactly what you mean . Man, it feels good someone understands. I think sometimes had I dated more, Or had I had a boyfriend in high school and a series of dating experiences there after, I would be less comfortable with singlehood (or more comfortable in a rship)

 

You know though, this made me think, dating and relationships are different in that you quit at the beginning.. I don't think you can continue going on 'dates' with one person and not have it turn into a relationship of sorts, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.

 

Yes, thats how i feel. I spent too much time single, and now its too easy being single. I also lost a lot of learning experiences from not dating in high school or college.

 

Imo had a met someone when young, they wouldve been more understanding, more willing to grow together. They wouldnt compare me to other women bc heck, if youre married at 20, theres not a whole lot to compare it to. Im 30 (gah!), and i would have to deal with men who have dated a lot and/or been married.

 

I hate dating, too. I dont like meeting a bunch of people. Ive actually found that it can easily become dangerous. I also dont like the ups and downs. Meet this person, get happy, break up. Meet hat person, get happy, break up. I like stability.

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, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.

 

That's correct and why I have never seriously considered it. I was too afraid that I would become good at that sport, and I would eventually perceive it as a sport and nothing more.

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Eternal Sunshine

I also never dated in high school and college and find it so easy being single. I have also never really had much stability in my life. I moved around all the time, changed schools and friends. I currently crave something stable. I can't be bothered with ups and downs of dating. It feels like too much effort for nothing.

 

I am currently in the process of making some important life decisions as in where I want to live (my current city could not be a worse fit for me), what I want to do as a permanent career. Dating is very much a distraction for when I can be bothered.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

 

3. Overall, I just found it to be a pain in the ass. I had about a month of dates every Friday and Saturday and it became exhausting. I just didn't have enough time for myself.

 

This sums up how I feel about dating right now at the stage I'm at in my life. Maybe in 4 years when both kids are graduated from school and I feel like I can focus more on myself, but right now, there are only so many hours in the day, and I feel like I don't want to invest them in people I barely know (i.e. first dates).

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This sums up how I feel about dating right now at the stage I'm at in my life. Maybe in 4 years when both kids are graduated from school and I feel like I can focus more on myself, but right now, there are only so many hours in the day, and I feel like I don't want to invest them in people I barely know (i.e. first dates).

 

I just jumped back into the OLD scene on a whim a few weeks ago and have already had several examples of how multi-dating is a pain in the ass. My male friends and I refer to this as the "Rolodex Dating" experience as several of us use OLD. Here are three prime examples over the last few weeks:

 

1. I started chatting with a woman and we hit it off and went out on a first date. The first date was god enough to schedule a second and all of our texts and conversations before and up until two days after the date had been fun and flirty. But, the texts stopped coming as frequent and were short and quaint until I just didn't hear from her for a nearly three days. My last text to her was to try and confirm the second date. So, I said the hell with it, moved on and got back on the OLD site. She was on the site continually which didn't bother me but I figured I was being ghosted. Out of the blue, she sends me a string of flirty texts, including a very attractive pic of her in a bikini. But, at that point, I wish her the best and tell her I'm just not interested.

 

2. I was messaging back and forth with another woman after #1 and the same thing transpired; a ton of flirty texts along with a few pics of her in a very attractive cocktail dress. We were trying to get our schedules aligned for a date and things looked promising. Well, her texts also became short and quaint and one night she told me that she was "at work and that I was distracting her, but in a good way -insert random emjoi-. I told her that I understood but got onto the app to answer a message from another woman as she hadn't committed to a date. I was going to keep putting myself out there seeing as this didn't look like it was going any where. I saw that she was on there but I didn't make any assumptions at first as I know the app will say you're logged in when you're not. But,we were both off and on the app all night long so I knew that she had met someone else. A week went by, I chatted with other women off and on and, once again, she starts texting me out of the blue. She sends me four texts in a row, all of them flirty and a pic that's pretty revealing. Once again, I let her know that I'm not interested and wish her the best.

 

3. This woman and I set up a date and she cancels on me with four hours notice. I tell her that I understand that she is busy and ask her when she wants to reschedule but I don't get a response from her. So.. Once again, I am back on the app, talking to other women and looking for a date. She's also on the app continually and we also added each other on Facebook (we have friends in common) and she's posting on there constantly. She sends me a text a week and a half later trying to set up a date... So, I also wish her the bets but tell her I'm not interested.

 

So, in the space of three weeks, I end up telling three different women that I don't want to see them because they're multi-daters who have worked their way through the "Rolodex" and finally come back around to me. Now, this isn't a matter of jealousy or anger but I don't care for the hot-cold-hot communication and I feel like my time is being wasted.

 

Yes, I was on the app consistently but I was only trying to set up a date with one woman at a time. I had several women messaging me at once but I was only asking one of them at a time out on a date. One gal asked me for a date after I had actually gone out with the woman from the first situation but I told her that I politely declined as I'm trying to avoid multi-dating as much as possible.

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I think worth can only really be determined by deciding what the actual objective is.

 

 

Are you meeting people you find interesting?

Are the people you meet interested in you?

In terms of good experiences versus bad ones, does the latter out number the former?

 

 

I think the topic is a very open ended one. As people we are so regimented in terms of what dating is, ask yourself what it is really, for me I suppose its as a guy trying to impress someone enough that they give you a date and then working hard enough to try and get a second date.

 

 

Everyone has a different experience, people I know have been really lucky and haven't had to do any work because they just seemingly click with people more easily or there interests are more mainstream.

 

 

I think something becomes pointless if it makes you feel bad about yourself or bad about life or people put you down. Then for me that's the point you walk away , yes some will say improve and do this and do that and yes those are valid things but if the overwhelming sense if you aren't having any success then you need to really choose.

 

 

1: Find something else in life to fill that void.

2: Try and completely re-invent yourself.

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I suppose that's what I was getting at, not for everyone a relationship is adding something.

Or perhaps the relationship does add something, but it's short lived. Or perhaps the road just to get that date let alone a partner is so difficult to some it cancels out a lot of joy. I could just sit here without dating just as easily. Personally, the things I've been through if i could go back, there's much i would change. I would've gotten married in high school or college and other than that not bothered with dating, but hindsight is always 20/20. Some of the things i went through and did were down right dangerous, and imo not worth what i've gotten in return.

This may be a personality difference between you and I. i love my solitude, my alone time, my time to think and explore myself and new things. For what I like to do, another person isn't necessary.

I suppose there are people who date to fill that void. However, there are some of us on the other side of the spectrum who are extremely turned inward.

 

This sounds like damage to me. I'm a loner by nature. I know how this feels.

 

Intimacy is something that feels good to all humans. Some of us need less than others, but I can say with certainty that those who run from it are doing it out of fear.

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