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Is it wrong to want someone to lean on?


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I am pushing 50. I was in a long-term relationship that ended and now I am starting to realize what I want.

 

 

I would like a partner that cares about me and wants to do nice things for me. Is that asking too much? I will still work and be capable of taking care of myself, but I would like someone that makes nice gestures, such as:

 

 

1) Hey - You are going to be 50. Let me take you on a nice little trip.

 

 

2) Oh my, your car is unsafe. Let's find you a better one.

 

 

3) Let's put your cell phone on my plan so you can get a discounted rate. Same for car insurance.

 

 

With the relationship that ended, everything was on my own. Every trip out of town was like a business negotiation. You owe me $62.50 for 1/2 of the motel room, I paid for gas, whose vehicle are we taking, etc. I am tired of living like that.

 

 

I fed him, gave him leftovers for his lunch, bought him gifts here and there and never asked for anything in return.

 

 

Now I want someone to lean on and someone to make nice gestures. Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer.

 

 

Is that wrong of me?

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Quite frankly, what you're mentioning are all things that come with a price tag, so are you actually saying, even though you claim the opposite, that you want a man to pay for you?

 

Now, it'd be different if you were saying you wanted someone to accompany you on a 50th birthday trip you're already paying for and he pays his half, or that he is able to get you a great discount at the car dealership because he knows the people there (which was my experience when I bought mine).

 

To me, someone to lean on is someone who has your best emotional interests at heart; someone who will go with you to the doctor when you have to have a procedure which requires going under anesthesia, someone to hang with on the weekends and have fun... but doesn't come with thousands of dollars being expended, which is what you've listed amounts to.

 

The fact is: you allowed someone to mooch off of you. That's not the same thing as leaning on someone.

 

One thing I've found being 57: most men in our age range are on high alert for women who want to spend out their pensions and savings, so unless he's a man of means on the level of the late Aristotle Onassis, you're going to find brick walls to run into if you're looking for someone to constantly throw down cash for you.

 

I mean, what's in it for them?

 

Everything you listed, I've done for myself because I don't' want to be at the mercy of any man over what he spent on me.

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"Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer."

 

Perhaps you missed this part. HaHa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want someone to care that a milestone birthday is coming up. I don't want anyone to buy me a new car, but I want someone to care if I am driving an unsafe piece of ****. I will pay for my cell phone, but at least offer to put me on your plan. (These are all examples.)

 

 

That has to be nice people out there.

Edited by primer
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At 50, you should be past this "take care of me" mentality. Plus it's a modern age where us woman have fought for equal rights.....don't spoil it.

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On an old skool note: If you are a good cook, willing to clean his house and do his laundry, he just might get his hands dirty and fix your car. Finding a man that is handy is key.

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At 50, you should be past this "take care of me" mentality. Plus it's a modern age where us woman have fought for equal rights.....don't spoil it.

 

 

 

I have taken care of myself for 50 years. I am tired. I want someone that cares about my wellbeing and happiness. (Care: feel concern or interest.) Everyone thinks I am a strong, solid, independent woman. In truth, I am tired.

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On an old skool note: If you are a good cook, willing to clean his house and do his laundry, he just might get his hands dirty and fix your car. Finding a man that is handy is key.

 

 

 

The last guy was very mechanical. He changed his own oil and all that stuff. When I asked if he could change mine, he told me it would be easier if I paid someone. Never asked him again.

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If you're looking for a relationship in which you deliberately take more than you give, that's wrong (to me, at least). If you're looking for a mutually fulfilling relationship in which you both use your abilities to make each other's lives easier and happier, that seems fair.

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You might find a old school man who's 20 years older than you to do it.

 

"Better be an old man's darling than a young man's slave" as the saying goes.

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I have taken care of myself for 50 years. I am tired. I want someone that cares about my wellbeing and happiness. (Care: feel concern or interest.) Everyone thinks I am a strong, solid, independent woman. In truth, I am tired.

 

I think everyone wants this. I think you're tired because you have gone so long looking for it (someone to care) and have not found it. I can see why you're tired.

 

My only suggestion is to quit the relationships sooner than you have been. Once you see that he is not the type of person you want, get rid of him and keep looking. Staying with them is draining the hope out of you. You can't teach them how to be.

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We are the same age . . . I get that you want to be taken care of and that you're tired of taking care of yourself (i.e. looking after yourself). But, that is the life that you've chosen. Yes, it would be nice to have those things you listed but those things are things my dad did for me growing up and I do for my kids. You're an adult. No one will care about you more than you care about yourself. You need to accept that fact.

 

I think what you want is more emotional support. A man who cares about your well-being, thoughts and feelings. There are men out there who are that way. You just have to find them.

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Honestly, for the most part the things you listed - sounded like you want a man to lean on financially.

 

Do you assume the man you will date will have more money than you, and therefore be able to buy you a car, a trip etc?

 

I have said it before on this forum - When I was young my dad said "never expect a man to take care of you" and I never have.

 

I think its very reasonable to want someone to lean emotionally, or to have what I like to think a partner by your side as you two battle the world together.

 

I am married, and I have basically been in a relationship all my adult life - so I know my perspective is different. But, we have also co-mingled all our funds from day 1, and I make a considerable amount more than he does.

 

He doesn't "buy me a trip" we go on one together, but sometimes he will do more of the planning.

 

He doesn't "buy me a car" - together we decide we need a new one, and what we can afford.

 

As for the oil changes - ya know, I learned how to do them myself! Its pretty empowering to make yourself more capable. That said, he is right, its easier to take them to the place. Sometimes my husband does it, sometimes I do it, or I just take it in.

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If a man really is good and has love in his heart, he will protect you in those ways like checking your car is safe. Being protective is how you know a man really cares. But being your sugar daddy is something else and not a reasonable expectation.

 

My guess is you would be happy if the next guy wasn't such a schlub as the last one. So look for a nice man who is protective and enjoys being your hero if he airs your tires up. If you're tired, you also might do better on your own with none of that stress.

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If a man really is good and has love in his heart, he will protect you in those ways like checking your car is safe. Being protective is how you know a man really cares. But being your sugar daddy is something else and not a reasonable expectation.

 

My guess is you would be happy if the next guy wasn't such a schlub as the last one. So look for a nice man who is protective and enjoys being your hero if he airs your tires up. If you're tired, you also might do better on your own with none of that stress.

 

 

 

That's it. I would like someone that is protective and emotionally supportive. Like I said, make nice gestures and offers. It used to be a fight if I asked him to put air in my tire. Thankfully my new car tells me the air pressure. :)

 

 

I am okay financially.

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"Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer."

 

Perhaps you missed this part. HaHa!

 

HaHa! That is an expectation going in and is a turn off to a lot of men.

 

No I didn't miss that part--did you miss the part about men in your age group being on high alert to women who they don't know well to expect them to spend money right off the bat? After all, you're talking about men you haven't even met yet, not someone you've known for some time.

 

I want someone to care that a milestone birthday is coming up. I don't want anyone to buy me a new car, but I want someone to care if I am driving an unsafe piece of ****. I will pay for my cell phone, but at least offer to put me on your plan. (These are all examples.)

 

Well, caring doesn't cost money, but what you are insinuating by the way you worded it in your first post is that you want him to buy you a car and spend money taking you on trips.

 

Good luck with meeting someone who is willing to spend their money on someone they just met. Having read through a lot of comments on a dating site I'm on that has message boards, men in our age bracket aren't open to women they just met having a hand in their pocket or an expectation that they pay for vacations, etc.

 

This has nothing to do with nice people. This has to do with unrealistic expectations of someone you haven't even met yet and expectations are resentments under construction.

Edited by kendahke
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I get it you want a man to be a man and take the lead, be the protector but the truth of the matter is, they are taken...like my husband :)

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Reading between the lines here, I get the sense you want a partnership that isn't all tit for tat.

You want a partnership in which you are both generous with each other.

 

There isn't anything wrong with what you want.

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Reading between the lines here, I get the sense you want a partnership that isn't all tit for tat.

You want a partnership in which you are both generous with each other.

 

There isn't anything wrong with what you want.

 

It is not asking too much. That last guy sounds like my ex charging me $7.50 for half a pizza. :confused:

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That's it. I would like someone that is protective and emotionally supportive. Like I said, make nice gestures and offers. It used to be a fight if I asked him to put air in my tire. Thankfully my new car tells me the air pressure. :)

 

 

I am okay financially.

 

It's really easy to pick the wrong guy. And then sone people just stay anyway. I'd advise you to keep your eyes wide open when dating. Remember that in most ways he will be on his best behavior in the first few months so if his behavior isn't good then it's only going to go downhill. However all that protective stuff doesn't kick in until they become committed to you and really care about you and that takes time so don't expect that right out of the box. But honestly you should be able to tell if he's that kind of guy by seeing how he takes care of others like in his family.

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It's really easy to pick the wrong guy. And then sone people just stay anyway. I'd advise you to keep your eyes wide open when dating. Remember that in most ways he will be on his best behavior in the first few months so if his behavior isn't good then it's only going to go downhill. However all that protective stuff doesn't kick in until they become committed to you and really care about you and that takes time so don't expect that right out of the box. But honestly you should be able to tell if he's that kind of guy by seeing how he takes care of others like in his family.

 

 

 

My ex takes good care of his family. He makes sure his mother drives a reliable vehicle, which is great because she is low-income and elderly. He also takes care of his unstable sister. The fiancé before me lived with him along with her three children and he claimed he financially supported them.

 

 

For some reason he was not very supportive or protective of me - even emotionally.

 

 

So . . . . seeing how a guy takes care of others doesn't work for me.

 

 

I do realize that maybe he liked me because I didn't depend on him.

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I do realize that maybe he liked me because I didn't depend on him.
This is an attractive trait to many. I know it's one of the things I look for in a relationship partner.
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I am pushing 50. I was in a long-term relationship that ended and now I am starting to realize what I want.

 

 

I would like a partner that cares about me and wants to do nice things for me. Is that asking too much? I will still work and be capable of taking care of myself, but I would like someone that makes nice gestures, such as:

 

 

1) Hey - You are going to be 50. Let me take you on a nice little trip.

 

 

2) Oh my, your car is unsafe. Let's find you a better one.

 

 

3) Let's put your cell phone on my plan so you can get a discounted rate. Same for car insurance.

 

 

With the relationship that ended, everything was on my own. Every trip out of town was like a business negotiation. You owe me $62.50 for 1/2 of the motel room, I paid for gas, whose vehicle are we taking, etc. I am tired of living like that.

 

 

I fed him, gave him leftovers for his lunch, bought him gifts here and there and never asked for anything in return.

 

 

Now I want someone to lean on and someone to make nice gestures. Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer.

 

 

Is that wrong of me?

 

Primer, I totally get what you're saying, because I feel the exact same way! It's not wrong to feel that way. My current boyfriend was a lot like your ex. He always split the bill. Even after I tried leading by example and picking up the whole tab sometimes, or buying food he liked at the grocery store, or bringing him home food when I was out, or giving him money for the toll when he didn't have any cash. I wanted him to feel taken care of. I had to have several talks with him to let him know that splitting the bill every single time was not something I wanted in a relationship. It didn't make me feel cared for.

 

It's not about using someone or depending on someone for money. It's knowing that someone has your back, and that they care about your well-being and want to do things that make you happy. I swear, if I could find the male version of myself to date I would be in heaven.

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