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-   -   I am not attracted to most men. What is wrong with me? (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me)

HiCrunchy 4th September 2017 2:17 PM

I am not attracted to most men. What is wrong with me?
 
I am not attracted to many men. Even people that are considered hot, like celebs for instance. This has always been the case for me and I never thought I would get a boyfriend that I was extremely attracted to.


I have dated one man my entire life. He was good to me and I was madly in love with him. He ended our relationship a year ago today. He was my first real love and I started dating him when I was 21 years old.
Before then, getting crushes were rare and he was the first guy I ever had such strong feelings for ever. I still think I am in love with him now (to an extent, as I still think about him everyday even though we haven't had contact for a considerable amount of time).

But since I didn't find anyone I clicked with AND was attracted to before 21 , I am really thinking that I don't have many choices or that something is wrong with me. I do have a type, but many people do so not sure if that even matters.

I know I am not asexual or gay, as my ex (male, and I am a woman). He really used to turn me on, and I think i initiated sex more than he did (one of the reasons we broke up I think is his lower sex drive to mine. I wanted to "do the deed" every time we met up lol. He wanted to have (intellectual conversation all the time), which was fine with me but a little sexually frustrating I admit. I compromised because I loved him).


I am now 22. I want to begin dating now as since a year has passed I don't think my ex is coming back to me even if I still love him. I have made peace with that.


How do I go into the dating world, when I don't find most men attractive? I am not sure I want to date someone I am not attracted to. How do I find more "fish in the sea" when I am out of college, and in a female dominated field.

simpleNfit 4th September 2017 2:37 PM

As I was reading your post I was waiting for you to say something like, 'I'm 35 now...' But, it's only been a year since you date this person. Hardly time to conclude that your relationship days are over.

Your problem is that you are still stuck on your ex. You don't find anyone else attractive b/c you are depressed with longing for an ex that you cannot have. It is also clear that you have NOT made peace, though you may have intellectually concluded that he will not return.

I can count the number of 'crushes' I have before the age of 21. Your condition isn't unique or unusual. You need to move on...

HiCrunchy 4th September 2017 3:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by simpleNfit (Post 7407462)
As I was reading your post I was waiting for you to say something like, 'I'm 35 now...' But, it's only been a year since you date this person. Hardly time to conclude that your relationship days are over.

Your problem is that you are still stuck on your ex. You don't find anyone else attractive b/c you are depressed with longing for an ex that you cannot have. It is also clear that you have NOT made peace, though you may have intellectually concluded that he will not return.

I can count the number of 'crushes' I have before the age of 21. Your condition isn't unique or unusual. You need to move on...

The thing is that I didn't date before because I wasn't attracted to many people anyways. I think my ex was the exception to this rule. This lack of attraction was before having my relationship with my ex, so I do not think it is an issue about moving on from him. I do still love him in a sense, but I can see how we wouldn't work in the long run.

CautiouslyOptimistic 4th September 2017 3:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HiCrunchy (Post 7407479)
The thing is that I didn't date before because I wasn't attracted to many people anyways. I think my ex was the exception to this rule. This lack of attraction was before having my relationship with my ex, so I do not think it is an issue about moving on from him. I do still love him in a sense, but I can see how we wouldn't work in the long run.

You are still very young, though. I'm sure you will find someone you're physically attracted to again.

central 4th September 2017 3:28 PM

The question is, WHAT do you find attractive about a man? WHAT made your ex attractive? Once you know that, you can search for those traits in someone new, or screen out those who don't meet those criteria. You don't need to find most men attractive - only a small number (who are also available).

elaine567 4th September 2017 3:42 PM

Quote:

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.
This ^^^ could explain it.

HiCrunchy 4th September 2017 4:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by central (Post 7407487)
The question is, WHAT do you find attractive about a man? WHAT made your ex attractive? Once you know that, you can search for those traits in someone new, or screen out those who don't meet those criteria. You don't need to find most men attractive - only a small number (who are also available).

There were a lot of things that I liked about my ex. His looks,(Tall, Cute Asian guy, toned body liked to go to the gym). He was really intellectual/smart and he got many awards when he graduated with me a few months back). I loved his ambition, humor (he was a dork, who loved puns and made dad jokes). He was always trying to make things more efficient and loved learning. We never fought tho we did have discussions about things. I hate yelling so that was good. He was really sweet, affectionate and shy. He loved going into the city together to have fun. Just a very quirky and fun human and made me smile a lot.

I'd really like to find these things in someone else. I think maybe I am asking for too much or the things I would like are maybe too specific.

HiCrunchy 4th September 2017 4:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic (Post 7407483)
You are still very young, though. I'm sure you will find someone you're physically attracted to again.

Yes, but it took me a long time to find this first person, I am afraid that it will take me even longer to find the next.

SpecialJ 4th September 2017 5:08 PM

Were you physically or mentally attracted to him first? Did you connect first and then the physical followed?

preraph 4th September 2017 5:18 PM

Well, before we decide you're definitely not gay, have you ever felt attraction for any women, not love, but just attraction? I mean, all my old gay guy friends also dated and had first loves who were women. Gayness is a sliding scale, not an on/off switch, so there's all combinations.

smackie9 4th September 2017 5:43 PM

I'm sure you will find someone who has a lot of those traits, maybe even more. How you feel about what you want, need and like will change as you get older. So stop worrying and let it go.

HiCrunchy 4th September 2017 5:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpecialJ (Post 7407550)
Were you physically or mentally attracted to him first? Did you connect first and then the physical followed?

Well the weird thing is that I knew him before we started dating. I always thought he was cute but when I met him as a freshmen in college I didn't really date. I admit I was a bit of an ugly duckling at first. I improved my looks and got a little more confident (I stress a little).

I happened to see him at a dance my school was having where he was an usher, and he just looked so handsome! Like I'd never noticed it before! He was dressed up and wearing contacts so I could see his eyes and smile. He could tell I was flustered when I first saw him.

(My friends used to say I blush like teenage girl, and get embarrassingly red whenever I was near him. My attraction to him was obvious to everyone around me).

I knew I was attracted but not in love. In fact the first time he told me he loved me, I was in shock. I did not say it back because I was't sure. He cried that night and I felt bad that I couldn't be 100% with him at the time. But then I fell in love with him, and he fell out of it I guess.

So yes, his looks were the first thing for sure then his personality, intelligence, his extroversion (he is shy but good with people somehow in a way that I wasn't at the time), and ambition. Those things made me stay.

I also loved sharing my culture with him and he shared his with me. He was from Asia originally and moved to the US when he was 12 to the West Coast.

I am Hispanic and from the East Coast, so we had every different lives, backgrounds but I loved every minute of it.

I think it was a mix of both. He is convinced I was in love with the idea of him. (I didn't think that was true, maybe that is how he saw it. Either way it doesn't matter).

I was attracted to his looks first for sure. But if he had a bad personality, I don't think I would have stayed. I liked him as a person, which made me fall for him even harder.

basil67 4th September 2017 5:55 PM

I'm 50 now, and the last time I fell for someone's looks was when I was 14. For me, attraction is all about personality. On the plus side it means that pretty much any guy had a chance with me if his personality matched. On the negative, it has meant that I'd never be open to giving my number to someone I hadn't talked with previously. Perhaps you relate?

HiCrunchy 4th September 2017 5:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by preraph (Post 7407565)
Well, before we decide you're definitely not gay, have you ever felt attraction for any women, not love, but just attraction? I mean, all my old gay guy friends also dated and had first loves who were women. Gayness is a sliding scale, not an on/off switch, so there's all combinations.

I am not really interested in having a girlfriend, tho the idea of kissing woman (or having sex with one) I don't find disgusting, but it is not something I would act on.
I am attracted to masculinity and to men more so than women.
I also like more masculine features.

kendahke 5th September 2017 7:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HiCrunchy (Post 7407451)
. How do I find more "fish in the sea" when I am out of college, and in a female dominated field.

First off, don't poop where you eat.

Meaning: don't look for boyfriends at the place where you draw your paycheck. It has the potential for getting messy and uncomfortable.

Are you more attracted by how they think and comport themselves rather than how they look?

Look for men in activities you enjoy doing.

Also, where you live has a lot to do with how many eligible men you will come across.

You're still young enough to where there are more unmarried guys in your age range who are not victims of their own bad choices than, say, if you were in your 40's.


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