How do people even get into relationships?

[coldworl]

Im a 25 year old guy I never been in a relationship never had a first kiss nothing I do put myself out there I do ask girls out but they always end up canceling it seems you have to go on several dates to get into a romantic relationship with them? I tried online dating but gave up after going nowhere for about a year, I dont know what to do anymore it seems no matter how hard I try I will never be in a relationship with anyone.I do do self improvement I used to be pretty overweight a few years ago but I went to the gym and now I am pretty thin with muscle and look better than ever but that is not even good enough.I just want to experience love with a women but this is so depressing.

[Philosoraptor]

You first need to figure out what kind of person you want to be with. "Being in a relationship" isn't enough, what type of woman are you interested in?

 

Regarding dates, yes you will get cancellations. But quitting will ensure you won't find the result you want.

 

Regarding kissing on a date. When it feels right just go for it. It's all good if you get a cheek, not the end of the world.

 

Seems like you have the effort, and you're working on yourself. What exactly are you doing when approaching girls? What is the communication like from her accepting the date, until the time the date is supposed to occur?

 

Focusing squarely on getting into a relationship shouldn't be the goal of the first date. You should focus on just getting to know them and figuring out if you are compatible. Only from there can you determine if there is any sort of romantic future.

[LargoLagg]

They ALWAYS cancel? That doesn't sound right.

 

You're 25. If you started asking girls out when you were 16, assuming one date request per week (which is actually kind of low for your present age given you have a zero batting average, but on average, let's start there) that would be 9 X 52 = 468 girls that you've asked out, and of that number, some said NO and the rest cancelled on you after they said yes.

 

So, three questions:

 

1) Have you really asked out over 450 girls?

2) How many have you asked out?

3) How many said yes?

 

My guess is you've got to ramp up your production. Assuming you go out only on Friday and Saturday nights, you're going to have to ask out a minimum of 3 girls per night, and more if you don't get any YES responses. If you get a YES, don't stop. If you get a YES, spend some time with her, then leave the venue, go somewhere else, and start asking some more.

 

This seems daunting, I know. But, this is what it's going to take for you until you find your confidence and your mojo. You are way behind, and if you don't change things, you're going to stay way behind. Even your failures will be instructive, so pay attention to how you're coming across. If a girl says NO, be bold. Ask WHY NOT? Some will give you nasty replies, but once you find an attractive and confident way to not take NO for an answer, they'll tell you why. It sounds scary, I know.

 

It must be done. Oh, and go with some male friends, the kind that can pick up girls. That will help you. You don't want to be a lone wolf out there. Girls are afraid of wolves.

[coldworl]

You first need to figure out what kind of person you want to be with. "Being in a relationship" isn't enough, what type of woman are you interested in?

 

Regarding dates, yes you will get cancellations. But quitting will ensure you won't find the result you want.

 

Regarding kissing on a date. When it feels right just go for it. It's all good if you get a cheek, not the end of the world.

 

Seems like you have the effort, and you're working on yourself. What exactly are you doing when approaching girls? What is the communication like from her accepting the date, until the time the date is supposed to occur?

 

Focusing squarely on getting into a relationship shouldn't be the goal of the first date. You should focus on just getting to know them and figuring out if you are compatible. Only from there can you determine if there is any sort of romantic future.

 

At this point I am interested in any women

 

I feel like giving up getting so many date cancellations is demotivating

 

unfortunately I never been on a date where kissing seemed like an option I haven't gone on a date since I been in high school

 

If I seem to get along with someone I usually ask for their number I dont randomly approach a girl at the mall or something I dont have the guts to do that, I see them like when I do a hobby of mine like a gym class I text them later on for a bit then I ask will you go on a date with me?sometimes yes sometimes no but the day of the date they usually come up with an excuse and never talk to me again.I guess we dont text each other that much while waiting for the day of the date to come that might be a problem.

[coldworl]

They ALWAYS cancel? That doesn't sound right.

 

You're 25. If you started asking girls out when you were 16, assuming one date request per week (which is actually kind of low for your present age given you have a zero batting average, but on average, let's start there) that would be 9 X 52 = 468 girls that you've asked out, and of that number, some said NO and the rest cancelled on you after they said yes.

 

So, three questions:

 

1) Have you really asked out over 450 girls?

2) How many have you asked out?

3) How many said yes?

 

My guess is you've got to ramp up your production. Assuming you go out only on Friday and Saturday nights, you're going to have to ask out a minimum of 3 girls per night, and more if you don't get any YES responses. If you get a YES, don't stop. If you get a YES, spend some time with her, then leave the venue, go somewhere else, and start asking some more.

 

This seems daunting, I know. But, this is what it's going to take for you until you find your confidence and your mojo. You are way behind, and if you don't change things, you're going to stay way behind. Even your failures will be instructive, so pay attention to how you're coming across. If a girl says NO, be bold. Ask WHY NOT? Some will give you nasty replies, but once you find an attractive and confident way to not take NO for an answer, they'll tell you why. It sounds scary, I know.

 

It must be done. Oh, and go with some male friends, the kind that can pick up girls. That will help you. You don't want to be a lone wolf out there. Girls are afraid of wolves.

 

1) Have you really asked out over 450 girls?

ha no I wish

2) How many have you asked out?

probably around only like 15? since I started getting into hobbies and gained a bit more confidence since going to the gym

3) How many said yes?

around half

 

that might be the problem the girls I meet during gym class or marathon running aren't interested in dating since I never go out on Friday nights or Saturday nights like to the clubs and bars? I know I haven't asked many girls out but I thought you had to make friends with them and make at least any sort of connection I might be approaching this wrong but I dont know anything about dating and romance im so behind for my age.

[LargoLagg]

1) Have you really asked out over 450 girls?

ha no I wish

2) How many have you asked out?

probably around only like 15? since I started getting into hobbies and gained a bit more confidence since going to the gym

3) How many said yes?

around half

 

that might be the problem the girls I meet during gym class or marathon running aren't interested in dating since I never go out on Friday nights or Saturday nights like to the clubs and bars? I know I haven't asked many girls out but I thought you had to make friends with them and make at least any sort of connection I might be approaching this wrong but I dont know anything about dating and romance im so behind for my age.

Why do bank robbers rob banks? Because that's where the money is.

 

It doesn't matter if it's a club or a bar or a church. What matters is that there are several single women from which to choose.

 

You do not have to make friends first. In fact, you don't want to do that. You meet a girl at a place where it seems like people go meet other people, like a bar not a gym class, you strike up a little conversation, see if you can talk her language, whatever that means to her, then you measure her interest and your own interest and then either move on or see if you can get her number. Rinse, lather, repeat.

 

If it's not working for you at your running club, then you try another place. It ain't that hard, but you can't be dumb about it either, and you can't go as slow as you're going. I'm telling you, set a goal of 3 per outing. It seems like a lot, I know.

 

The good news is that with your track record of a 50% acceptance rate, you're obviously not Quasimodo. You'll get dates, you just have to put some real effort into it.

 

The other thing I would say is that at first, don't go looking for a romance. When you go out on a date, just try to be friendly and have a good time. See if you actually like the person you're with. That's the most important thing of all. You won't like everybody you go out with, that's OK. If you two like each other, the rest follows so naturally. Don't force it. You'll know it when you find it, and don't get discouraged because the first few don't work out. Romance is filled with failure, ask anybody. Just keep meeting people until somebody clicks with you. Then, don't be shy.

Edited December 9, 2016 by LargoLagg

[basil67]

Coldworl, when I was dating, I would be far more likely to accept a date with a man who I had chatted with a couple of times. Then I'd know that he likes me as a person and not just because of a pretty face.

 

I really need to at least have had a conversation with a guy before accepting a date.

[basil67]

that might be the problem the girls I meet during gym class or marathon running aren't interested in dating since I never go out on Friday nights or Saturday nights like to the clubs and bars?

 

So if you had a girlfriend, what would you like to do on a Friday and Saturday night with her?

 

What about friends? Do you go out with them on some weekend nights?

 

Speaking about friends, do you have a mixed gender group of friends? Do you go to events and parties with them?

[coldworl]

Coldworl, when I was dating, I would be far more likely to accept a date with a man who I had chatted with a couple of times. Then I'd know that he likes me as a person and not just because of a pretty face.

 

I really need to at least have had a conversation with a guy before accepting a date.

 

Yeah thats what I like to do then I usually ask for their phone number then after a few texts I ask them out on a date

 

well if I had a girlfriend on a Friday night or Saturday I would love to go to the movies or dinner

 

unfortunately I don't go out much with friends is that I don't really have any I do everything by myself usually

[LivingWaterPlease]

coldworl, am sure this isn't your problem but there are some basic things I must have in date. One of them is no bad odors. This includes BO, bad breath, etc.

 

I actually dated a guy for a short time who had a very high position at an institution who sometimes smelled faintly strange because, as a bachelor, he didn't know how to do his laundry. He would leave it in the washing machine for quite a while before he put it in the dryer so that it began to smell. I guess he couldn't detect the smell. Not being interested in him I did him a favor by telling him he sometimes had an unusual fragrance and we figured out together where it was coming from.

 

I also noticed this guy's car wasn't the cleanest inside.

 

Women are often very picky about matters of cleanliness and also personal grooming. You're probably a very clean person but there are many men and women alike who could use some help in this department.

 

I must be with someone who is very clean, wears clean clothing, drives a clean car and lives in a clean house. Bad breath, anything unkempt about a person will deter me from dating the person.

 

I would also focus on things such as grammar as poor grammar can be a turn off. Right now, I have fallen into some habits of sloppy speech I am taking myself to the woodshed about. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I heard someone else talking that way and then I began to notice I was doing the same thing!

 

Another tip is to smile and be genuinely interested in the routine life of the person you're attracted to.

 

Put others first, even those you don't want to date. Women notice how you treat everyone else.

 

Be positive and upbeat, not a whiner.

 

You probably have all of these things under control, though, but thought I'd mention in case something on the list might grab your attention to work on.

[coldworl]

coldworl, am sure this isn't your problem but there are some basic things I must have in date. One of them is no bad odors. This includes BO, bad breath, etc.

 

I actually dated a guy for a short time who had a very high position at an institution who sometimes smelled faintly strange because, as a bachelor, he didn't know how to do his laundry. He would leave it in the washing machine for quite a while before he put it in the dryer so that it began to smell. I guess he couldn't detect the smell. Not being interested in him I did him a favor by telling him he sometimes had an unusual fragrance and we figured out together where it was coming from.

 

I also noticed this guy's car wasn't the cleanest inside.

 

Women are often very picky about matters of cleanliness and also personal grooming. You're probably a very clean person but there are many men and women alike who could use some help in this department.

 

I must be with someone who is very clean, wears clean clothing, drives a clean car and lives in a clean house. Bad breath, anything unkempt about a person will deter me from dating the person.

 

I would also focus on things such as grammar as poor grammar can be a turn off. Right now, I have fallen into some habits of sloppy speech I am taking myself to the woodshed about. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I heard someone else talking that way and then I began to notice I was doing the same thing!

 

Another tip is to smile and be genuinely interested in the routine life of the person you're attracted to.

 

Put others first, even those you don't want to date. Women notice how you treat everyone else.

 

Be positive and upbeat, not a whiner.

 

You probably have all of these things under control, though, but thought I'd mention in case something on the list might grab your attention to work on.

 

Thank you for your post and tips I am a very clean person and I think I have all that under control

[MJJean]

What about friends? Do you go out with them on some weekend nights?

 

Speaking about friends, do you have a mixed gender group of friends? Do you go to events and parties with them?

 

Friends are important. Friends broaden our horizons by taking us places we might not otherwise have gone and by introducing us to people we'd otherwise never have met. Friends also can act as moral support, give advice, etc.

 

I went to a goth club (hey, it was '99) with a friend named C and a couple people he knew. I'd never heard of the place and never would have gone on my own.

 

While we were there, my friend C met and started chatting with a guy named J. c introduced me to J and J and I became friends, too.

 

A few weeks later, I went to the club with J. I noticed he was talking to a new guy I'd never seen before. J introduced me to that guy, named M. The following week, our group and his group hung out together at the club. A couple weeks after, I hosted a party and invite people from the club, including M.

 

During the party, we ran out of supplies and I decided to walk to the store rather than risk people driving while buzzed. I was going to walk alone, but M wanted to come with me. We talked, laughed, and really enjoyed the walk.

 

M called me a few days later and asked me out. We celebrated 17 years as a couple and 14 years married yesterday.

 

Seriously, make some friends, be social, be open.

[darkmoon]

i think they sense or even see neediness in your eyes

[butterfly84]

darkmoon could be on to something. i actually dated a guy last year who sounded a lot like you - had never had a girlfriend or dated anyone or kissed anyone. i realized he wasn't for me, but i think also something that sort of turned me off was that he was relying on me too much since i was the first. anyway i am just telling you this as advice to make sure you don't put the girls on too much of a pedestal once you do find one you like.

 

keep doing things you like - even if it means by yourself. i do a lot of things by myself too. i think you'd encounter people most similar to you in those situations. perhaps some of the girls you have asked out realize they wont be your type or vice versa, and if they do its better not to start something than get into it only to stop it later. goodluck!

[preraph]

First, just be sure most of your activities are social face-to-face ones where you will see people over and over in a given time and get to know them. Not many women will go out "cold" with a guy they just met. But if they keep running into you at kayaking or bowling or skating or swimming or at music gigs or whatever, eventually they will warm up because you have common interests. It's important to just continue to put yourself out there to just meet new friends and expand your network. Good luck.

[Mysterio]

What is Neediness. Some people have it easy. Some people have it hard.

 

If everything was just easy. That would mean anyone could just be in a relationship at the drop of a hat. Most people stumble into it.

 

My Buddy G basically had his Ex GF F, contact him for Facebook. They started hanging out again. She was separated. This was in 2013. FF to now and they are expecting their second kid in Feb 2017. Yet she still is on year 8 of her marriage not being legally dissolved. My friend puts up with it. I can't. It will be interesting to hear/see when their kids come of age and ask why they are not married.

 

Most people are married when they have a romantic partner. I don't know tons of tons of my parents friends that stayed together and never got married. They were either married/divorced or remarried. Not one of my parents friends/relatives is on year 30/40/50 of being with the same person in a common law relationship.

 

I think most of the time people get into relationship is that it just happens. Its not like a job. Even these dating websites don't do the job right. It would be like going to a website and making friends. Rarley do we hear people looking for friends.

 

A persons romantic partner will usually come from our social environment. That is Work/School/Recreation for the most part. Maybe other friends that can introduce them to other friends.

[thecrucible]

I'm like you in a way. I've not been in a relationship for years. At the same time, I felt like you at one stage when I was younger because until you've had your first relationship, you experience a lot of self-doubt.

 

I wish I had an answer to your question. What I do know is that most of my romantic relationships have just happened out of the blue. I mean I've always felt an attraction for the guy and it happens fluidly. I get to know a guy and naturally it just builds up and becomes a relationship due to mutual attraction and romantic feelings growing. Eventually you stop and say to each other "so are we boyfriend and girlfriend?". That's a magical moment. On the flip side, whenever I've felt like I've forced it, it hasn't worked out even if I succeed in getting the relationship. Remember that when it feels like you are flogging a dead horse. If it's a struggle, it's not really worth it.

 

So I think online dating gets it wrong by taking away all that build up. I mean I like taking it slow with guys because I think that's the best when you are falling in love with someone. Online dating can make it feel rushed because you might be at a different pace. People expect you to zoom straight in and forget the 'getting to know you' stage. I mean that slow burning pace for me beats a snog in a nightclub (even with the hottest guy) hands down.

[GunslingerRoland]

it seems you have to go on several dates to get into a romantic relationship with them?

 

So wait, is this a serious question? If so, I have to say the fact that you've reached a point of desperation that you want a girl to be your girlfriend the second you ask her out or after one date, is the reason that they are cancelling on you.

 

I think you need to focus on your life in general. Lots of people aren't into the bar scene on weekends, especially by your age. But people still do things with friends. No one wants a boring partner.

[coolheadal]

Im a 25 year old guy I never been in a relationship never had a first kiss nothing I do put myself out there I do ask girls out but they always end up canceling it seems you have to go on several dates to get into a romantic relationship with them? I tried online dating but gave up after going nowhere for about a year, I dont know what to do anymore it seems no matter how hard I try I will never be in a relationship with anyone.I do do self improvement I used to be pretty overweight a few years ago but I went to the gym and now I am pretty thin with muscle and look better than ever but that is not even good enough.I just want to experience love with a women but this is so depressing.

 

 

Sounds like you don't have confidence in your own self to even begin to look for someone to have a relationship with. Even if the woman wants to be your friend and start things slow can you accept that at first or do you like to rush her. Can't rush them into anything today. It just won't work. Do you want kids do you want to help raise her kids. So many factors to consider. Wear nice clothing, be well groom walk in a room like you own it. If a woman likes you she'll smile at you. Look at her and don't get scared look back at her. Walk over an ask her what her name is?. Never give out yours not yet. Talk a bit more even ask for her phone number wait a few days before you call it. . Building up the relationship you have to build a friendship then see if you two are on the same page or click. But the key is if she likes you first. If she doesn't then more on to the next one. Online dating can work but you need to know how to play the match making game online. Who likes you. They all can't like you online it only a few that can. That's where everyone forgets the truth!

[coldworl]

Alright thanks everyone I read all your helpful comments I just deleted all my online dating profiles its obvious that wont ever work and its making me depressed and I know its way better to form a relationship face to face instead talking online, I joined a social group made up of women and men that gathers ever 3-5 times a week for activities I guess thats where I should start first forming friendships and not rushing anything.

 

I guess thats what I should do at this point keep working on myself and trying my best to meet people in the real world.