Myers Briggs vs Attachment Style Type

[Bialy]

I'm doing the online dating thing, reluctantly admittedly, and I got to thinking yesterday...

 

People always seem to post up their Myer Briggs type. I could care less! It doesn't give me much insight into a person.

 

At some point, it would be nice if more people learned about attachment styles and posted that up instead.

 

Knowing if someone is dismissive-avoidant or anxious-preoccupied or any of the other ones would be far more useful...

[Nowty V]

That would require people on OLD be unusually honest about themselves.

 

I find people in RL and OLD have a problem being honest with themselves about themselves, never mind being honest with other people.

 

In fact being honest, on that level, is quite rare.

Edited October 10, 2016 by Nowty V

[Bialy]

You are so right. I don't think many people would willingly post up their attachment styles, even if they knew the test existed.

 

It requires a level of honesty and self-awareness right off the bat.

 

There would be far less broken hearts and confusion, I think, if people knew their style and the ones that are most compatible to them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm doing the online dating thing, reluctantly admittedly, and I got to thinking yesterday...

 

People always seem to post up their Myer Briggs type. I could care less! It doesn't give me much insight into a person.

 

At some point, it would be nice if more people learned about attachment styles and posted that up instead.

 

Knowing if someone is dismissive-avoidant or anxious-preoccupied or any of the other ones would be far more useful...

 

It's the modern version of "What's your sign?" You know, back in the day when astsrology mattered for dating compatibility. lol

 

Agreed! 100%, as if it actually mattered.

 

"Hey, we are both INTFJPTEDTs...let's go out" of course, if the person is an uggo, fat lot a good that'll do the person.

[Hyperfocal]

Per reading on the topic, Dismissives are on OLD a lot, at end of rel, they quickly get out there again. Anxious' are also out there. I've met more dissmissives myself. Since Secure is the "healthy" type, folks aren't going to share or even accept their status in Bowlby's typology.

 

For M-B typing, well, that is very helpful, I seem to only click with IN** types, either I figure it out early or they tell me. There isn't a right/wrong on that one, hence people are more accurate to self identify, and willing to share.

[No_Go]

Is there an accurate measurable for attachment style in general or is it relationship dependent (i.e. one can be anxious-attached in one relationship and secure-attached in other)?

 

MB I think is very far from astrology - it gives good information about compatibility and even more about communication style/expectation. E.g. my type (INTJ) is relatively well known for difficulties in romantic expressions - I try to make people aware of it before getting involved so they don't get unpleasantly surprised.

 

You are so right. I don't think many people would willingly post up their attachment styles, even if they knew the test existed.

 

It requires a level of honesty and self-awareness right off the bat.

 

There would be far less broken hearts and confusion, I think, if people knew their style and the ones that are most compatible to them.

[AMJ]

Yeah I think M/B is a great indicator of a person's personality. Am I wrong, or according to the attachment styles, isn't it something like we all fall within 4 types, and only one of those types is ideal for a relationship? Which means 75% of us are bad at relationships?

[Hyperfocal]

Yeah I think M/B is a great indicator of a person's personality. Am I wrong, or according to the attachment styles, isn't it something like we all fall within 4 types, and only one of those types is ideal for a relationship? Which means 75% of us are bad at relationships?

 

It's not an equal distribution. But yes, Secure is good. Anxious, Avoidant (fearful or dismissive). It is best seen in shades of grey. What if you are 80% Secure but have a few points of other? Not a polemic indicator good/bad.

 

I recall dating one who oscillated between anxious and dismissive. We can call that push-pull. It does not work

 

E.g. my type (INTJ) is relatively well known for difficulties in romantic expressions

 

Yea, same here, intj. I click with girl-friends, really well, but girlfriends end up expecting a little more extruded romance...

 

Is there an accurate measurable for attachment style in general or is it relationship dependent (i.e. one can be anxious-attached in one relationship and secure-attached in other)?

 

The book "Attached" is a fairly good one on this topic. I believe that we can change our style, but it is not relationship dependent, imho.

[AMJ]

It's not an equal distribution. But yes, Secure is good. Anxious, Avoidant (fearful or dismissive). It is best seen in shades of grey. What if you are 80% Secure but have a few points of other? Not a polemic indicator good/bad.

 

I recall dating one who oscillated between anxious and dismissive. We can call that push-pull. It does not work

 

Not an equal distribution- so what is it then?

[Hyperfocal]

Not an equal distribution- so what is it then?

 

The heck if I know, like guessing what percentage of people have mental illness, or illiteracy, or bad credit. It's a statistic partially based on the threshold of diagnosis or declaration, eh.

[Nowty V]

You are so right. I don't think many people would willingly post up their attachment styles, even if they knew the test existed.

 

It requires a level of honesty and self-awareness right off the bat.

 

There would be far less broken hearts and confusion, I think, if people knew their style and the ones that are most compatible to them.

 

 

Agreed.

 

Honesty, Self-Awareness and Authenticity.

 

OLD = Too many people putting on a performance. Bring the curtain down already, just be yourself. Don't sneak up on me later with your Jekyll & Hyde.

 

People of each gender will portray, out of what they have, what they believe you are looking for, to achieve sexual intimacy. They will say and do almost any untruth to get there; once the deed is done, they don't know what to do next. Usually it is look for the nearest Exit.

 

I remember the days when 'common sense' was a valuable commodity, now it's hardly ever mentioned.

[salparadise]

Not an equal distribution- so what is it then?

 

The heck if I know, like guessing what percentage of people have mental illness, or illiteracy, or bad credit. It's a statistic partially based on the threshold of diagnosis or declaration, eh.

 

 

I read an article recently (sorry, no citation) that estimated a breakdown of about fifty percent secure, thirty percent avoidant, twenty percent anxious.

 

Yes, it absolutely depends on where you place thresholds, and I don't know much at all about measurement. If you think of it as a linear scale with secure in the center, there are naturally going to be blends at either end of the secure range, and both mild and extreme expressions of the other two.

 

MBTI is different. It's not measuring the same characteristics, it's not linear, and does not include the good-bad, healthy-unhealthy perspective.

 

The big takeaway on MBTI is that on the N/S axis people do best with the same type. The other three can be any combination of alike or opposite, and for some opposites make great matches. Extroverts often do well with introverts, Js wth Ps, etc. But Ns and Ss seem to be operating on different wavelengths much of the time.

 

I married an ESFP/avoidant (I'm INTJ) and it didn't work at all, however, ENFP is my theoretical best match! My girlfriend now is INFJ/P with secure attachment and plenty of T, and it's wonderful! I can see that a good chunk of our compatibility is due to personality and attachment styles jibing. She's also high in agreeableness and conscientiousness (from the Big Five).

 

I believe using these tools can get you an odds on chance of good compatibility, but there is more variation within types than between types, so you can't just pick someone by the numbers, obviously, and expect it to work.

 

Then there's the liberal vs. conservative scale... I don't know how anyone could survive a mismatch on this!

[Els]

I agree that Myers Briggs isn't the end-all-be-all that some people claim. People with the same MBTI types can be very different in relationships. Also, I've never agreed with what MBTI suggests would make good partners - I-types are recommended to pair up with E-types, and that would never work for me! I'm a strong I, and being with an extrovert would drive me absolutely bananas.

 

However, I do think MBTI gives decent insight into a person, and is actually a pretty good predictor for suitable careers IMO. Relationship-wise, I would never use it to select a partner, but I do use it is to better understand someone I'm already with. I'm a INT/FP who's with a INTJ - a few of his traits confounded me until I read up on MBTI types. It really helps you understand why they do what they do IMO.

 

Never heard of attachment types, do you have a link to what you mean?

[Bialy]

I agree that Myers Briggs isn't the end-all-be-all that some people claim. People with the same MBTI types can be very different in relationships. Also, I've never agreed with what MBTI suggests would make good partners - I-types are recommended to pair up with E-types, and that would never work for me! I'm a strong I, and being with an extrovert would drive me absolutely bananas.

 

However, I do think MBTI gives decent insight into a person, and is actually a pretty good predictor for suitable careers IMO. Relationship-wise, I would never use it to select a partner, but I do use it is to better understand someone I'm already with. I'm a INT/FP who's with a INTJ - a few of his traits confounded me until I read up on MBTI types. It really helps you understand why they do what they do IMO.

 

Never heard of attachment types, do you have a link to what you mean?

There's a book on it called "Attached" - but here's a link that gives a pretty nice overview of the types -

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

[Els]

There's a book on it called "Attached" - but here's a link that gives a pretty nice overview of the types -

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

 

Read the link.

 

I don't know, Bialy... I generally don't agree with claims that certain attachment styles or personalities are 'better' or 'healthier' than others, because perception of what 'healthy' or 'good' even means differs by opinion. I tend to be a believer in 'different strokes for different folks' and compatibility, vs 'this is better than that'.

 

Besides, wouldn't everyone just claim that they had 'secure attachment', aka the 'good type'?

[Bialy]

. I tend to be a believer in 'different strokes for different folks' and compatibility, vs 'this is better than that'.

Me too. It has nothing to do with whether one is better than the other.

 

It has all do with compatibility.

 

Besides, wouldn't everyone just claim that they had 'secure attachment', aka the 'good type'?

Maybe. I feel like attachment style theory has a lot to do with how much affection/space a person needs.

 

My mom needs LOTS of space and over the years of her marriage to my dad, she has conditioned him to give her that. Even though he prefers more affection.

 

If I can help it, I'd love to be with someone who is affectionate and demonstrative like me.

[Bialy]

My parents have been married for 35 years. They will be together until they pass.

 

My father craves affection. My mother craves space - and she lucked out with my dad because I think any other man would have walked out on her or had affairs behind her back. Lucky for her, my dad craves affection, but he is also malleable and a homebody and rather be home reading than out.

[SammySammy]

"The map is not the territory."

 

Both Myer-Briggs and Attachment Styles are mere maps. They may help describe a person, but we're all much more complex than either can adequately explain.

 

Regardless of which map we may think is better, you've still got to really get to know a person. Learn what makes them tick as an individual.

[Bialy]

True! Very fair point. At th end of the day, it boils down to the individual and specific pair.

[bummer]

Better yet, everyone gets rounds of therapy as young adults and then they wear placards around their necks describing various psychological assessments, labels and prognoses. Self-assessments can be written in as needed. Then we can all pair our compatible neurotic tendencies together!

 

Honestly, I've had a touch of fun "dating" some OLD misfits who within the first date or so launch full-blast into their histories of psychological ailments, parental abuse, and subsequent therapy. Pretty easy gauge of any combo of negative attachment styles.

 

As for MB, I actually went on some dates with a clinical psychologist/ cognitive neuroscientist who told me it was a load of bull much like horoscopes. Yes, it is grounded in reality, a map of sorts, but more like a crayon drawing of your city rather a useful roadmap to any deeper understanding. The whole "dead clocks are right twice" paradigm:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/give-and-take/201309/goodbye-mbti-the-fad-won-t-die

 

 

Apparently, "real" therapy use 5 traits and aggreeableness is the best indicator for relationship longevity.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits

 

Also apparently, accurate diagnosis takes many sessions and time and is not readily distilled into 30 minute online surveys. Again, so I am told.

Edited October 11, 2016 by bummer

[Bialy]

Better yet, everyone gets rounds of therapy as young adults and then they wear placards around their necks describing various psychological assessments, labels and prognoses. Self-assessments can be written in as needed. Then we can all pair our compatible neurotic tendencies together.

Okay, this made me laugh out loud!!!

 

I had this conversation with my mother over the phone and she said precisely that. "Oh good lord. Just get to know the person and stop worrying about labels and classifications!"

[salparadise]

As for MB, I actually went on some dates with a clinical psychologist/ cognitive neuroscientist who told me it was a load of bull much like horoscopes. Yes, it is grounded in reality, a map of sorts, but...

 

Also apparently, accurate diagnosis takes many sessions and time and is not readily distilled into 30 minute online surveys. Again, so I am told.

 

 

Managed to transfer some of that knowledge and deeper understanding through intercourse, did ya? Can you tell me how many times it takes, or what percentage transfers per orgasm, or whatever... seem's like I'm going to need a spreadsheet and maybe a more powerful computer calculate my own qualifications.

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

My father craves affection. My mother craves space.

 

This is a dealbreaker for a lot of single women these days. He would be considered "needy" by today's standards.

[newheart]

Can they add their love language to the OLD profile as well?

 

I read somewhere that while dismissives are 25-30% of the population initially, as we get older, more secures are in long term relationships so the percentage of secures out there in the dating pool drops and the dismissive-avoidant types increase to 50% of the dating pool.

 

Just great!

[Bialy]

Can they add their love language to the OLD profile as well?

 

I read somewhere that while dismissives are 25-30% of the population initially, as we get older, more secures are in long term relationships so the percentage of secures out there in the dating pool drops and the dismissive-avoidant types increase to 50% of the dating pool.

 

Just great!

This totally did NOT make my day!!!