Successful searching vs unsuccessful searching

[ZA Dater]

Thanks to the members for allowing me to put some clarity into what I was searching for. There have been lots of good advice and perhaps I didn't appreciate it enough.

 

 

Recent events have made me see things rather differently. Probably because most of the people I grew up with are now married and at least 75% have kids, I couldn't help but reflect a bit.

 

 

These past weeks I simply realised for whatever reason at the age of nearly 32 I am just too far behind the curve to make any attempt at actually finding someone. For those of you wondering, K seems to have found a guy who makes her very happy. Any opportunity I had there is totally gone. I am however some sort of e mail friend.

 

 

Searching and reading this forum have been interesting to search effectively and to actually stand a chance of getting anywhere there appear, based on the posts here it seems those who experience success all have the following traits

 

 

: social lives

: friends

: some charisma or charm

: the ability to seamlessly mould into social situations

: years of having success on and off.

 

 

Equally its become fairly apparent that lacking any of the above makes things considerably harder. When I read about someone sending 230 messages to people and only getting 10 replies it just drives home a point that there isn't someone for everyone, defeatist perhaps.

 

 

People tell me "approach random people", how many people actually do that though or have to do that? Surely the only real way of success is to find people in social groups with friends and friends of friends? Surely there is a higher chance of success that way?

 

 

Does having some success boost ones morale? People tell me it does but people say many things.

 

 

Once again thanks for the advice everyone, I know I am good at many things in life, sadly dating is not one of them and no amount of reading is going to change that.

 

 

I am alone but I am not because many people suffer through the same sort of issues I do.

[Satu]

*snip

Searching and reading this forum have been interesting to search effectively and to actually stand a chance of getting anywhere there appear, based on the posts here it seems those who experience success all have the following traits

 

 

: social lives

: friends

: some charisma or charm

: the ability to seamlessly mould into social situations

: years of having success on and off.

 

 

 

Not so.

 

 

From my journals:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Etc.

 

This list extends into infinity.

 

 

Take care.

[normal person]

People tell me "approach random people", how many people actually do that though or have to do that? Surely the only real way of success is to find people in social groups with friends and friends of friends? Surely there is a higher chance of success that way?

 

I'd consider myself pretty successful in the world of dating. I can't think of any time I've ever approached a girl randomly and done some obvious "I'm trying to pick you up" song and dance. I've always let things happen organically and circumstantially.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that while people here love to give advice, a lot of it might be coming from people who are in no position to be giving it. There's no qualification required to offer an opinion here. Granted it's all subjective, and everyone's circumstances are different, but I've seen some things suggested that leave me shaking my head, secretly hoping the person doesn't listen. I'm sure people have said that about my posts as well. Personally, I try and stick to the things I have lots of experience with.

 

 

Does having some success boost ones morale? People tell me it does but people say many things.

 

As I've said, everyone's experiences and circumstances are different. Everyone's problems and successes are relative. My issues aren't finding a girl, they're finding the right girl. A girl's issue might be finding someone who appreciates who she is as a person rather than just as a walking pair of breasts. Someone going through a divorce probably feels a similar frustration that you do when you have trouble dating. Everyone has problems and pain, we all feel the same sort of displeasure in that area of our heart, but for different reasons.

 

For you? I'm sure meeting a nice girl and having a few new experiences, even if they're fleeting, might be the shot in the arm you need at the moment. Will it make you totally happy on its own? In the long run, probably not. But I imagine it'd be a much needed step in the right direction. I remember there have been some threads in the last year or two by a guy in a similar spot who was in his late 20s, got into a situation with some girl, had all the "firsts," and although it didn't quite work out in the end he was galvanized after that and his whole attitude was uplifting, it was great to read, really.

 

 

Once again thanks for the advice everyone, I know I am good at many things in life, sadly dating is not one of them and no amount of reading is going to change that.

 

Everyone's got different talents. You've got to use what you've got. And yes, reading a bit might be helpful but there's no real substitute for going out in the field and gaining the experience through trial and error. Best of luck.

[ZA Dater]

I'd consider myself pretty successful in the world of dating. I can't think of any time I've ever approached a girl randomly and done some obvious "I'm trying to pick you up" song and dance. I've always let things happen organically and circumstantially.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that while people here love to give advice, a lot of it might be coming from people who are in no position to be giving it. There's no qualification required to offer an opinion here. Granted it's all subjective, and everyone's circumstances are different, but I've seen some things suggested that leave me shaking my head, secretly hoping the person doesn't listen. I'm sure people have said that about my posts as well. Personally, I try and stick to the things I have lots of experience with.

 

 

 

 

As I've said, everyone's experiences and circumstances are different. Everyone's problems and successes are relative. My issues aren't finding a girl, they're finding the right girl. A girl's issue might be finding someone who appreciates who she is as a person rather than just as a walking pair of breasts. Someone going through a divorce probably feels a similar frustration that you do when you have trouble dating. Everyone has problems and pain, we all feel the same sort of displeasure in that area of our heart, but for different reasons.

 

For you? I'm sure meeting a nice girl and having a few new experiences, even if they're fleeting, might be the shot in the arm you need at the moment. Will it make you totally happy on its own? In the long run, probably not. But I imagine it'd be a much needed step in the right direction. I remember there have been some threads in the last year or two by a guy in a similar spot who was in his late 20s, got into a situation with some girl, had all the "firsts," and although it didn't quite work out in the end he was galvanized after that and his whole attitude was uplifting, it was great to read, really.

 

 

 

 

Everyone's got different talents. You've got to use what you've got. And yes, reading a bit might be helpful but there's no real substitute for going out in the field and gaining the experience through trial and error. Best of luck.

 

Thanks. The realisation I have come to is trying to find people to date and just finding nothing makes me extremely sad and unhappy. What compounds this is chasing the odd (very rare) person I do like and always having no success. Just not looking at girls, going out to do things like shopping for the sole purpose of shopping, setting an objective for everything. In other words trying as much as possible to not feel lonely. That works to a degree but the empty feeling never goes away and when a friend says "Oh you must find a girlfriend", its like opening a sore which remains sore for a week after.

 

 

I agree success is very subjective, for me I'd measure success as having one good date with someone I like, perhaps two. For others it came mean different things.

 

 

Undoubtedly there are people who beat the odds and do enjoy success but realistically I'd wager they are quite few in number.

 

 

My thinking has always been that some success would uplift anyone, I know when I had one great dinner with someone I liked, I felt good about it for a long time after.

 

 

Lastly, I don't really have any dating talents whatsoever. Logic is a talent but a bad one to have because just this morning I was sitting in a coffee shop with a friend of mine he points out some pretty ladies "oh she is pretty", sure I looked at her and she was pretty but it was largely irrelevant because I knew I couldn't get that.

 

 

I think some success would take that mind set away but as I watch everyone I know get married, have kids I simply know logically I am done in terms of ever finding anyone.

[ZA Dater]

*snip

 

 

Not so.

 

 

From my journals:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Etc.

 

This list extends into infinity.

 

 

Take care.

 

I have never found any of the above to be true but that's just me.

[Empire87]

Thanks to the members for allowing me to put some clarity into what I was searching for. There have been lots of good advice and perhaps I didn't appreciate it enough.

 

 

Recent events have made me see things rather differently. Probably because most of the people I grew up with are now married and at least 75% have kids, I couldn't help but reflect a bit.

 

 

These past weeks I simply realised for whatever reason at the age of nearly 32 I am just too far behind the curve to make any attempt at actually finding someone. For those of you wondering, K seems to have found a guy who makes her very happy. Any opportunity I had there is totally gone. I am however some sort of e mail friend.

 

 

Searching and reading this forum have been interesting to search effectively and to actually stand a chance of getting anywhere there appear, based on the posts here it seems those who experience success all have the following traits

 

 

: social lives

: friends

: some charisma or charm

: the ability to seamlessly mould into social situations

: years of having success on and off.

 

 

Equally its become fairly apparent that lacking any of the above makes things considerably harder. When I read about someone sending 230 messages to people and only getting 10 replies it just drives home a point that there isn't someone for everyone, defeatist perhaps.

 

 

People tell me "approach random people", how many people actually do that though or have to do that? Surely the only real way of success is to find people in social groups with friends and friends of friends? Surely there is a higher chance of success that way?

 

 

Does having some success boost ones morale? People tell me it does but people say many things.

 

 

Once again thanks for the advice everyone, I know I am good at many things in life, sadly dating is not one of them and no amount of reading is going to change that.

 

 

I am alone but I am not because many people suffer through the same sort of issues I do.

 

 

Read through some of your previous posts and am curious what you are actually looking to get out of posters here who may reply to you? It seems as if your mindset and approach towards women and dating are set in their ways. I may have not seen it as I didn't read every one of your threads obviously but Other than agreeing with those who share your less than enthusiastic outlook on society and what women want, there hasn't been one example or reply where you've taken constructive criticism or a suggestion and put forth a substantiated effort over the span of a few weeks/months and then reported back.

 

There's no magic answer that will turn things around for you tomorrow... Or next week... Or next month.

 

Perhaps focusing on trying some of these suggestions you've been given... Over a few weeks.. Would better serve you. Instead of asking obvious questions like "does success boost morale?" That's basic common sense.

[ZA Dater]

Read through some of your previous posts and am curious what you are actually looking to get out of posters here who may reply to you? It seems as if your mindset and approach towards women and dating are set in their ways. I may have not seen it as I didn't read every one of your threads obviously but Other than agreeing with those who share your less than enthusiastic outlook on society and what women want, there hasn't been one example or reply where you've taken constructive criticism or a suggestion and put forth a substantiated effort over the span of a few weeks/months and then reported back.

 

There's no magic answer that will turn things around for you tomorrow... Or next week... Or next month.

 

Perhaps focusing on trying some of these suggestions you've been given... Over a few weeks.. Would better serve you. Instead of asking obvious questions like "does success boost morale?" That's basic common sense.

 

I am indeed set in my ways and if being honest, genuine, sincere, giving, generous are all less than ideal then so be it.

 

 

This thread is really about differentiating people who have beaten odds over those who have not. What has made some people more successful than others and why when those same methods are applied by perpetually unsuccessful people is the result yet more rejection.

 

 

I have taken constructive criticism, I change my style completely, I started to work out more to gain muscle and neither of these things have increased my success rate because I simply do not ever meet anyone I find interesting.

 

 

My point is one solution does not work for all, saying people must do ABC and they will be successful is both untrue and patronising.

 

 

What does differentiate someone who is successful and someone who is not?

 

 

I'd wager I have better general knowledge and conversation skills than most yet I enjoy less success at dating than most. Perhaps they possess relevant knowledge and I do not.

 

 

How can it be that someone who is articulate and messages many women cannot find one to go out with him?

 

 

 

 

Why are these people and other not successful when bad boys enjoy considerably success. Is there something wrong with that most of the female population desires and what determines that desire? What determines that the good honest "Ill do anything for you guy" always looses out to the total opposite?

 

 

Why is it certain good personality types enjoy no success?

 

 

Why is it people pick apart a guy who has messaged many ladies and had no success, why is it assumed there is something wrong with him which has caused him to suffer so little success.

 

 

Again we are looking at what success is and trying to understand why some people are successful and why others are not. Do people like me who have never had success have a warped sense of reality, its being a nice guy totally unimportant, is it more important to be macho?

 

 

I just look around and see people partnered up, some of which I chased in the past and always I wonder "what is so remarkable about this guy that he was chosen over me". I am sure many of us who lack success think the same thing.

[Empire87]

I am indeed set in my ways and if being honest, genuine, sincere, giving, generous are all less than ideal then so be it.

 

 

This thread is really about differentiating people who have beaten odds over those who have not. What has made some people more successful than others and why when those same methods are applied by perpetually unsuccessful people is the result yet more rejection.

 

Well that's an obvious "there's no universal answer to attraction and having a lasting relationship". If you're looking for one then expect to be disappointed.

 

 

I have taken constructive criticism, I change my style completely, I started to work out more to gain muscle and neither of these things have increased my success rate because I simply do not ever meet anyone I find interesting.

 

Someone's style has nothing to do with whether or not someone will want to date you. You can dress up a homeless woman and that doesn't mean she's gonna turn heads and have a line of guys waiting to ask her out. Style is the last piece of the puzzle. I've known guys who dress like complete idiots and they've had no trouble finding dates. And anytime someone tells me they started working out, I caution them not to pat themselves on the back or look for people to notice until they've been doing it consistently for 6 months- a year. Anything less than that and the changes that you feel you've made are minuscule compared to what's actually noticeable by others you know or meet from the outside.

 

 

My point is one solution does not work for all, saying people must do ABC and they will be successful is both untrue and patronising.

 

Obviously. I don't see anyone here or on other threads suggesting that there is a fool proof strategy that will guarantee success if followed. If that's your point then it's not ground breaking news unfortunately.

 

 

What does differentiate someone who is successful and someone who is not?

 

Each individual differentiates that. Are there tips and suggestions people can give you that have worked well for them in the past? Of course. Does that mean it will work for you and your personality? Of course not. Having a sense of oneself and what you project on others you meet is where people who do better separate themselves.

 

I'd wager I have better general knowledge and conversation skills than most yet I enjoy less success at dating than most. Perhaps they possess relevant knowledge and I do not.

 

Honestly, I think you're making those attributes out to be more rare then they actually are in reality. Most people, or at least the majority of people, men in your case, are fully capable and satisfactory at least in terms of being able to start/hold/or carry a conversation with someone. And that would therefore include having general knowledge of varying topics. So if that's your high point trait that you feel sets you apart, then perhaps you best look at more self specific traits that you can highlight.

You can't tell a girl "hey, I'll be able to talk to you about a bunch of different things better than that guy can" and expect her to be floored and amazed by what you're offering. Big deal.

 

 

How can it be that someone who is articulate and messages many women cannot find one to go out with him?

 

Why are these people and other not successful when bad boys enjoy considerably success. Is there something wrong with that most of the female population desires and what determines that desire? What determines that the good honest "Ill do anything for you guy" always looses out to the total opposite?

 

You're stereotyping here with opinions of your own that in reality are not true at all. There are plenty of devoted "do anything for you" guys out there who have girlfriends, or girls that like an want to be with them.

 

 

Why is it certain good personality types enjoy no success?

 

Why is it people pick apart a guy who has messaged many ladies and had no success, why is it assumed there is something wrong with him which has caused him to suffer so little success.

 

I have a friend who messages dozens and dozens of girls each day,week through OLD and hooks up with more people than anyone I know. He's an honest 5 in the looks category and the messages he sends are the last thing anyone would want to mimic. So what doesn't work for you, works for him. Clearly that would mean that it's something in the way you portray yourself, align your words and comments, and/or carry yourself when you meet people.

 

Again we are looking at what success is and trying to understand why some people are successful and why others are not. Do people like me who have never had success have a warped sense of reality, its being a nice guy totally unimportant, is it more important to be macho?

 

The "macho" comment and attitude you're getting at here lead me to believe that you do have a disfigured view of reality. Sorry if that's blunt or too honest but to think that "girls only like macho bad boys", or "confidence is the key to all" shows that you aren't grasping the true nature of people, society around you. If you were then you'd realize those descriptions are incredibly immature and based of what television and low class reality shows display.

 

 

I just look around and see people partnered up, some of which I chased in the past and always I wonder "what is so remarkable about this guy that he was chosen over me". I am sure many of us who lack success think the same thing.

 

Well it's not you vs him. I could be better looking, have a better job, nicer house, stronger feelings for a girl than another guy and she could be with him instead of me. There's no logical reason for it if you look at what's rational in how I'm viewing it. However she might want someone who is less devoted to her. A lot of girls don't want the guy who makes them his whole life. That's not attractive. So you might see certain things as attributes, others see them as flaws. It doesn't make them wrong or you wrong. You just can't force the people you like to like you back. And visa versa.

[LookAtThisPOst]

A lot of girls don't want the guy who makes them his whole life. That's not attractive

 

Believe it or not, there are women out there that would say otherwise. I know a couple of couples...one married, one couple living together that are co-workers.

 

Yes, where I work, co-workers are coupled up, met through work at the same place.

 

1. They live together.

2. Come to work together

3. Sometimes take lunch breaks...together.

 

You're talking joined at the hip.

 

The male in one of the couple-ships leave sexual innuendoish messages on her Facebook page about every few days, what's really sad...is that they are living under the same roof! LOL

 

When, you ask the married couple, "So, what did you guys do last weekend?"

 

"Meh, not much, we did the yard work, washed clothes, then watched Netflix all of Sunday."

 

Yep, they barely leave their property unless it's to go grocery shopping or attend a church social.

 

*Shrug*...so it works for some.

 

So yeah, there are couples that are joined up at the hip, and lovin' every min. of it. lol

[Empire87]

Believe it or not, there are women out there that would say otherwise. I know a couple of couples...one married, one couple living together that are co-workers.

 

Yes, where I work, co-workers are coupled up, met through work at the same place.

 

1. They live together.

2. Come to work together

3. Sometimes take lunch breaks...together.

 

You're talking joined at the hip.

 

The male in one of the couple-ships leave sexual innuendoish messages on her Facebook page about every few days, what's really sad...is that they are living under the same roof! LOL

 

When, you ask the married couple, "So, what did you guys do last weekend?"

 

"Meh, not much, we did the yard work, washed clothes, then watched Netflix all of Sunday."

 

Yep, they barely leave their property unless it's to go grocery shopping or attend a church social.

 

*Shrug*...so it works for some.

 

So yeah, there are couples that are joined up at the hip, and lovin' every min. of it. lol

 

 

Of course. There's a different dynamic to every relationship. Some couples need to have what you described in order for a happy marriage. Others would get fed up quickly spending 24/7 with or around their partner. My point as far as the OP is concerned is just showing him that his views on what women look for or what guys that are successful dating do... Are very stereotypical and locked in place instead of being different for each individual.

[ZA Dater]

Of course. There's a different dynamic to every relationship. Some couples need to have what you described in order for a happy marriage. Others would get fed up quickly spending 24/7 with or around their partner. My point as far as the OP is concerned is just showing him that his views on what women look for or what guys that are successful dating do... Are very stereotypical and locked in place instead of being different for each individual.

 

I agree with you entirely in respect of this however as someone who isn't successful I am trying to understand logically why some people do so much better than other. Following on from this, what are the generic things people find attractive, it just seems to me for people who enjoy no success I'd like to understand why and what things people like because clearly I have not one likeable characteristic.

 

 

It has to be said I don't go out anymore.

[Chris2016]

I think some success would take that mind set away but as I watch everyone I know get married, have kids I simply know logically I am done in terms of ever finding anyone.

 

I would urge you not to be done with finding anyone. You're young 32, relative to me.

 

I wish I had 32 again. I'm 40 now, and would like to find someone to have a child with/start a family with. Clock is ticking. Guys can have children way into old age, but you have to be able to land women of child bearing age. So for me I guess that'd be 35-40, perhaps a little over 40. And as I get older and older, that pool decreases. I can go for younger, if younger wants to do me. Add to that, all that takes time, dating, relationship, marriage, trying to get pregnant, etc.

 

So that's why I would like 32 again. Cause then at least you have a pool of older women of child bearing age.

[ZA Dater]

I would urge you not to be done with finding anyone. You're young 32, relative to me.

 

I wish I had 32 again. I'm 40 now, and would like to find someone to have a child with/start a family with. Clock is ticking. Guys can have children way into old age, but you have to be able to land women of child bearing age. So for me I guess that'd be 35-40, perhaps a little over 40. And as I get older and older, that pool decreases. I can go for younger, if younger wants to do me. Add to that, all that takes time, dating, relationship, marriage, trying to get pregnant, etc.

 

So that's why I would like 32 again. Cause then at least you have a pool of older women of child bearing age.

 

Older women hold no interest to me at all. 22-27 is my age range.

[elaine567]

Older women hold no interest to me at all. 22-27 is my age range.

 

YOU, at 32, by choosing that age group, are pitching yourself up against youth and some seriously desirable guys.

From your posts not only are you 32, but you are not a "youthful" 32 either, so are not going to appeal to such young women.

I can see the problem.

[ZA Dater]

YOU, at 32, by choosing that age group, are pitching yourself up against youth and some seriously desirable guys.

From your posts not only are you 32, but you are not a "youthful" 32 either, so are not going to appeal to such young women.

I can see the problem.

 

 

I didn't know guys became less desirable.

 

 

I don't really appeal to anyone so its hardly important.

 

 

What is interesting and perhaps of value to others is how desirability links to success. What makes one person more desirable than the other, intelligence based on my own experience doesn't seem to rank all that highly, nor does being articulate, nor does having good general knowledge.

 

 

Lets reduce this whole thing to subjectivity but also add some logic to it. For the most part when I look around at people who have success at dating, for me success being defined as being able to attract people and go on dates with people they are attracted to.

 

 

Most of these people all share many things in common which gives them the edge over guys like me and others, probably the most important aspect is confidence. Do we agree a confident guy is a more desirable guy? How is confidence defined?

 

 

My belief is success gives rise to confidence, likewise rejection and failure kill confidence. I think most would agree successful daters have been rejected but not continuously. The key to all of this I believe is being able to date from the teen years, having a foundation to work from, lets be honest 15-16yo's, nobody really knows that they are doing and you learn through experience, that is the success I am talking about. Its considerably harder to try gain that experience later in life, I believe bare statistics would support this assertion.

 

 

I don't think the blame can be placed at the door of perpetually unsuccessful daters, its not all their fault, how could it be?

 

 

The other side of the coin is how much apparent success is people just settling for anyone. Each of us likes what we like, for the most part I believe that cannot ever be changed, it may evolve over time but it wont ever fundamentally change.

 

 

All I am doing here is asking for people to exercise some critical, logical thinking.

 

 

In terms of myself I recognize the only thing I can really do is try and make each day tolerable because everywhere I turn I am reminded of how unsuccessful I am at dating and how empty my life is.

[PrettyEmily77]

1. Unsuccessful at getting dates =/= empty life.

 

2. the 'key' is nothing to do with piling on dates during your teen years - pretty much most people I know would be late bloomers if it was the case...

 

3. If you think this part of your life sucks, shift your focus to something else - try to get to know people (not just women) without any after-thought or anything to gain or expecting anything in return. If your social circle is limited, try to get to know new people - talk to the person next to you in the supermarket or the elevator, start a random conversation with someone at the gym, say hi to your porter/ whoever's at the desk at your work, or a colleague you don't normally talk to.

 

4. We all have our cross to bear - those who are 'successful' in dating may have other, more pressing troubles like very serious health, family or financial issues, for instance, that they hide from the rest of the world.

[ZA Dater]

1. Unsuccessful at getting dates =/= empty life.

 

2. the 'key' is nothing to do with piling on dates during your teen years - pretty much most people I know would be late bloomers if it was the case...

 

3. If you think this part of your life sucks, shift your focus to something else - try to get to know people (not just women) without any after-thought or anything to gain or expecting anything in return. If your social circle is limited, try to get to know new people - talk to the person next to you in the supermarket or the elevator, start a random conversation with someone at the gym, say hi to your porter/ whoever's at the desk at your work, or a colleague you don't normally talk to.

 

4. We all have our cross to bear - those who are 'successful' in dating may have other, more pressing troubles like very serious health, family or financial issues, for instance, that they hide from the rest of the world.

 

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing. It's just not easy to meet people but yes you make a point try fill life with something else.

[elaine567]

I didn't know guys became less desirable.

Just thinking personally, I would never have thought of dating a 32 yo guy when I was between 22-27 and thinking back none of my friends did either at that age.

It is not really about being becoming less desirable at 32, I am simply sure other 30 somethings would find you more desirable.

It is also more about life stages and about having stuff in common, being "current" is a lot more important in the twenties, right language, right movies, right music, right places to go, etc. etc. I don't really see you fitting in and keeping up.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I'd consider myself pretty successful in the world of dating. I can't think of any time I've ever approached a girl randomly and done some obvious "I'm trying to pick you up" song and dance. I've always let things happen organically and circumstantially.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that while people here love to give advice, a lot of it might be coming from people who are in no position to be giving it. There's no qualification required to offer an opinion here. Granted it's all subjective, and everyone's circumstances are different, but I've seen some things suggested that leave me shaking my head, secretly hoping the person doesn't listen. I'm sure people have said that about my posts as well. Personally, I try and stick to the things I have lots of experience with.

 

 

 

 

As I've said, everyone's experiences and circumstances are different. Everyone's problems and successes are relative. My issues aren't finding a girl, they're finding the right girl. A girl's issue might be finding someone who appreciates who she is as a person rather than just as a walking pair of breasts. Someone going through a divorce probably feels a similar frustration that you do when you have trouble dating. Everyone has problems and pain, we all feel the same sort of displeasure in that area of our heart, but for different reasons.

 

For you? I'm sure meeting a nice girl and having a few new experiences, even if they're fleeting, might be the shot in the arm you need at the moment. Will it make you totally happy on its own? In the long run, probably not. But I imagine it'd be a much needed step in the right direction. I remember there have been some threads in the last year or two by a guy in a similar spot who was in his late 20s, got into a situation with some girl, had all the "firsts," and although it didn't quite work out in the end he was galvanized after that and his whole attitude was uplifting, it was great to read, really.

 

 

 

 

Everyone's got different talents. You've got to use what you've got. And yes, reading a bit might be helpful but there's no real substitute for going out in the field and gaining the experience through trial and error. Best of luck.

 

Ya something must cause guys to be late starters in the mating game

[ZA Dater]

Just thinking personally, I would never have thought of dating a 32 yo guy when I was between 22-27 and thinking back none of my friends did either at that age.

It is not really about being becoming less desirable at 32, I am simply sure other 30 somethings would find you more desirable.

It is also more about life stages and about having stuff in common, being "current" is a lot more important in the twenties, right language, right movies, right music, right places to go, etc. etc. I don't really see you fitting in and keeping up.

 

I don't fit in with anyone. There is the odd mature person in that age range but even then it doesn't work. Guess I should be looking at 30 + single moms. Not interested.

 

You have confirmed though my belief success to sone extent has nothing to do with the person but what society expects.

[FleshNBones]

I have done some online dating. On and off, it took about 8 years of trying for a total of three dates. In the last round of online dating, it took about six months to land the first date. She was a fruitcake so I couldn't get past the first date. It took another eight months after that flop to land another online date. That went very well and now we are married with children.

 

I did have one blind date arranged by a mutual friend. I guess I was too weak for the Amazonian. I must admit, that was the first time I saw a woman eat with her fingers in a fancy high-end restaurant.

 

I don't know if I have any really useful advice for you. My guess is, the top 10% of OLD men are getting 99% of the action. Heck, make it 99.9%. It is a huge time, energy, and emotional sink. But when that is your only real option, you just have to put up with it.

[elaine567]

I don't fit in with anyone. There is the odd mature person in that age range but even then it doesn't work. Guess I should be looking at 30 + single moms. Not interested.

 

You have confirmed though my belief success to sone extent has nothing to do with the person but what society expects.

 

It is actually quite possible to navigate the dating process and not run into people with kids, if that is your preference.

Many single 30+ women do NOT have kids. Many are highly educated too and many are also looking for a relationship.

YOU IMO are fishing in the wrong pond.

[ZA Dater]

It is actually quite possible to navigate the dating process and not run into people with kids, if that is your preference.

Many single 30+ women do NOT have kids. Many are highly educated too and many are also looking for a relationship.

YOU IMO are fishing in the wrong pond.

 

 

In theory the bold exists, in my reality it does not. Typically the 30+ ladies I run into are single for usually very obvious reasons. Superficially mostly due to appearance and in the OLD context almost all have baggage and resentment because they are single and their friends are not.

 

 

I'll say this. There is usually a reason most people I know are married by 30 and sure there are exceptions but usually ladies beyond that are looking for the impossible or have various scars from failed relationships.

 

 

Long and short of it I am not interest in 30+ ladies.

 

 

As for fishing, I prefer this analogy, I am the guy sitting on the bench in the park watching good looking couples walk past, wishing his own life was different.

 

 

If one sets the bar really low I am sure everyone can enjoy success but there is no challenge involved there and one is simply just saying "that'll do"

 

 

Ultimately everyone has a choice, some can choose who they like and find it, other simply have to take whatever comes along. I am not prepared to be the latter.

 

 

Can anyone site an example of someone on this forum who has moved from being hopeless at dating to enjoy success?

[elaine567]

If one sets the bar really low I am sure everyone can enjoy success but there is no challenge involved there and one is simply just saying "that'll do"

 

Setting oneself impossible challenges, is called self sabotage. YOU are setting yourself up to fail and are wallowing in self pity when you do fail...

 

MOST people are "hopeless" at dating, the world is full of people "hopeless" at dating.

What happens is that through experience people learn what they want, what they will tolerate, what they won't.

NO-ONE is dating or in a relationship with the perfect person, everyone has to accept life isn't really like that, everyone "settles" in some way, otherwise we would all be alone.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I wonder if around 35, or 40, the OP should give up