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What do you do when you want love but can't have it?


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What do you do when you want somebody to love you really bad, and somebody who you can love as well, but it can't happen, because, well, it just can't. There is nobody. I so often feel like I'm living in a town of population zero, with no sign of life nearby.

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If you can't find love, then first you do therapy and see if you're the reason. If it's beyond your control, then you find other things to fill your life with that bring you joy. For me, it's my dogs and music and friends.

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"What do you do when you want love but can't have it?"

 

You find a therapist, and work out what this is really about.

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You are in London…population zero?

 

One option (amongst others) is to find everything you can to occupy your time and mind to distract yourself so that you are not stewing on this question.

 

What is worse than not having what you want is being fully aware and sad all the time about not having what you want.

 

Yes, even if it feels rather superficial, try to get involved with things/activities that engage your mind--be it sports, exercise, hobbies, music, art--anything that stops you from dwelling.

 

Chances are once you find something that interests you, you will also find like-minded people who share your interests.

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normal person

Why do you feel like you're in this situation and what are you doing to get out of it?

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If you can't find love, then first you do therapy and see if you're the reason. If it's beyond your control, then you find other things to fill your life with that bring you joy. For me, it's my dogs and music and friends.

 

Yeah but surely I'm not the one who's doing this to me. I hope to believe that it's whether or not somebody else wants me. Love doesn't have to be eroic, I was just as much thinking about somebody either erotic OR platonic when I was writing thread

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Yeah but surely I'm not the one who's doing this to me. I hope to believe that it's whether or not somebody else wants me. Love doesn't have to be eroic, I was just as much thinking about somebody either erotic OR platonic when I was writing thread

 

It could well be something you're doing (or not doing). You may have to work on the way you interact with others

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Walk out your door whenever you aren't doing something you have to do. Get out. Smile at people and say hello. Ask people how they are today if they seem open to a bit more- men, women, old, young, every type of person. Stop at stores. Stop at a bar and chat with the bartender or the people near you. Talk about the game that’s on- you don’t have to drink. Interact in a friendly positive way with everyone around you and ask anyone who is open to talking about their day. Do it every day for a month and on April 1 you'll see the difference.

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What do you do when you want somebody to love you really bad, and somebody who you can love as well, but it can't happen, because, well, it just can't. There is nobody. I so often feel like I'm living in a town of population zero, with no sign of life nearby.

 

Ahhhhh there's nothing better than mutual love. :love:

 

I hope you have it one day.

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I see once again therapy is trotted out. Just because someone cant find/have what they want does not apply they need therapy, I can never understand how people connect those dots.

 

I agree with the poster who says find things to occupy your time because stewing on this is really not nice and I speak from experience. Doing things helps distract the mind, sure you will probably think about it but a whole lot less.

 

Meeting people is a simply concept but not so easy in reality, in my opinion you are best off doing things you like doing.

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I see once again therapy is trotted out. Just because someone cant find/have what they want does not apply they need therapy, I can never understand how people connect those dots..

 

Therapy could be of use if a person's attitude is what prevents them from getting what they want.

 

<< Moderator note: We have moved an off-topic discussion regarding therapy into its own thread, including the above two posts. You may continue that discussion in that thread only.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/572378-therapy-getting-what-one-wants

 

Discussion relating to the original post of this thread may continue here. Thanks. ~6 >>

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Same thing you do when you can't have other things that you want (or not soon, anyway) - put up with it and/or try harder for it if you really want it.

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I have a brother. He is somewhat mentally slow. He has many issues. He is old now. He is so lonely and wants a woman to share his life with. He has his issues that keep him single. He refuses any dating advice and social skill help from me.

 

 

I am no dating expert. I was never a woman magnet. Though the changes he needs to make are so basic that a blind man can see them. It hurts to see him hurt.

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normal person

OP, no one can give you any worthwhile help until you elaborate on your issues. Saying nothing more than "woe is me" won't help any of us give you any actionable advice.

 

You live in London, surely there are thousands of single women your age there. What's keeping you from establishing a connection with any of them? Why can't you try, or what have you tried, where did it go wrong, what'd you learn, etc?

 

We need some details here.

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Honestly, I would say if someone can't find love, as the poster said, of any kind and this has been pretty much the person's history, not just a momentary thing, then it is the poster who needs therapy to find out what they're putting off that keeps people away.

 

Yes, looks matter, but if you go, say, to Walmart you see people of every possible type and low on the looks barometer walking around with kids or with a partner.

 

From reading Loveshack alone, it seems to me the two biggest impediments to finding love or friendship are social anxiety that's letting the fear run your life and keep people away, and that needs therapy; or it's trying to date out of your league and telling yourself that even though your looks are average or below, you still think you're entitled to a slim young woman with boobs, which is entitlement. Usually those people finally get desperate enough to date someone who they think isn't good enough for them just to get laid, but they're rarely happy about it. So yes, even they could use therapy for their entitlement delusions.

 

Then eventually those two common personality flaws erode into bitterness, and I've yet to see a man or woman who is attracted to someone who's attracted to that. I mean, all of us have some bitterness, but we can't let it take over and come out as part of our personality. It's for us to deal with either on our own or with a shrink.

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Sweet Jesus god-damn. Aren't I bitter! Aren't I shy! Aren't I ugly, squeamish and socially awkward! Good Lord, call my mother and tell her to take a cab cause it seems like everybody here knows me better.

 

What hurts me most, is that I've been trying to 'change' since the age of 13. Each year, a new approach, a new perspective, from online tips to articles. Don't assume I'm 'shy', 'bitter', 'socially - awkward', 'anxious', as it is immensely inconsiderate, which then has to bring me back to the 'normal person's' point, who is right. I'll be opening up to my therapist when I see them, in a couple weeks or so, will be my first session.

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