Those days..

[neowulf]

I've read endless forums on relationships.

Read countless books on dating and relationships.

I've had a raft of relationships in my 37 years.

I'm 5'11, in shape, still have all my hair.

Well paid career.

 

You'd think I'd be feeling reasonably confident that eventually things will work out.

 

Yet, lately... man, the setbacks are just starting to bite.

The element of luck drives me nuts. Some people seem to just FALL into great relationships.

 

I struggle to understand that even after putting so much effort into getting my **** together.. it still alludes me.

 

You fight this doubt in the back of your mind that fears "Hey, maybe there's something wrong with me.. and I can't see it!"

 

People will tell me "Hey, don't panic. You're only 37!". Man, I wish it felt that way. I thought I'd be married with a couple of kids at this point. I can't even seem to manage something stable enough to begin *thinking* about the long term.

 

Everything takes so much time to grow, feels like that time just isn't an option these days.

 

Anyone else have those days? How do you deal with them? Just push through and ignore the doubts? Buy and read yet another self help book?

 

*shrug*

[Imajerk17]

Well mate, I think that EVERYONE going through dating has moments where they feel extremely frustrated or "what is wrong with me". And when I say everyone I mean EITHER gender. I've absolutely have been there myself. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people our age who are going through divorce right now. My point of all this isn't to be pessimistic, it is instead to present another perspective here: You are not this isolated island of sadness while everyone else is living the dream. Not be a long shot.

 

Meanwhile, your post could use a few more specifics. In particular, how are you meeting women? What are your dates with them like? Where do your relationships with them fizzle out?

Edited March 1, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Popsicle]

I've read endless forums on relationships.

Read countless books on dating and relationships.

I've had a raft of relationships in my 37 years.

I'm 5'11, in shape, still have all my hair.

Well paid career.

 

You'd think I'd be feeling reasonably confident that eventually things will work out.

 

Yet, lately... man, the setbacks are just starting to bite.

The element of luck drives me nuts. Some people seem to just FALL into great relationships.

 

I struggle to understand that even after putting so much effort into getting my **** together.. it still alludes me.

 

You fight this doubt in the back of your mind that fears "Hey, maybe there's something wrong with me.. and I can't see it!"

 

People will tell me "Hey, don't panic. You're only 37!". Man, I wish it felt that way. I thought I'd be married with a couple of kids at this point. I can't even seem to manage something stable enough to begin *thinking* about the long term.

 

Everything takes so much time to grow, feels like that time just isn't an option these days.

 

Anyone else have those days? How do you deal with them? Just push through and ignore the doubts? Buy and read yet another self help book?

 

*shrug*

 

Awwww you poor thing. *hugs*

 

I do sometimes feel something similar to "stick a fork in it", but mostly because I've already been married and had kids.

 

I think if you haven't been married and had kids, you shouldn't give up so soon. You're beautiful and yes I too believe that luck has much to do with it. Maybe your number hasn't come up yet and when it does it will be very special.

[Randomlyrandomme]

You're right about it being a luck thing.

 

Unfortunately you haven't won. Yet

 

What else do you have to do but put your head down and grind away till something happens

[jen1447]

I think it's the notion of expectations that causes trouble. You "thought you'd be married, have kids," etc., so that means no matter what you're in auto-fail.

 

I know you can't just turn that stuff off but life's quite a bit more tolerable when you take it one day at a time and drop the should-haves.

[edgygirl]

I'm there too... many of us are.

 

I am not sure it's about luck as people say here. While it is difficult to date nowadays, I feel like some people know better how to navigate the whole relationship thing.

 

I.e. I think some people are more easy going than I am when it relates to love and relationships, less picky, and know how to navigate the drama better (and how to lessen it).

 

Sometimes I do think I am not a great relationship builder. I expect too much. I do not take things that offend me easily, and I do get offended often.

 

Hence we look at people who are always in relationships and feel like they fell into them easily. I think they just have better behavioral tools that helps them be successful in relationships.

 

I think it's important to have a look inside and try to figure out our patterns and work on them. A lot of those patterns are connected to our childhood, to the way our families operate, things we don't even relate to our love life, but they are there, affecting us. There's a lot to learn about oneself just to reach a good point where you can be a good partner to someone, I think. I've been thinking about these things in the last few days and just wanted to put it out there -- hope I didn't depress you.

[Shanex]

Well mate, I think that EVERYONE going through dating has moments where they feel extremely frustrated or "what is wrong with me". And when I say everyone I mean EITHER gender. I've absolutely have been there myself. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people our age who are going through divorce right now. My point of all this isn't to be pessimistic, it is instead to present another perspective here: You are not this isolated island of sadness while everyone else is living the dream. Not be a long shot.

 

Meanwhile, your post could use a few more specifics. In particular, how are you meeting women? What are your dates with them like? Where do your relationships with them fizzle out?

 

Agreed and well said, you don't live up to your name.

 

How many 30s women (my age) I know/I've known and they are the same as OP. Gah I'm probably going to be a life long celibate too despite having read 'Mars and Venus" and spent hours on dating and relationships forums too. I just made me a dating geek it seems.

 

Oh yeah I've been dating and having all types of RS, FWB, ONS etc. Just didn't rose to the marriage and kids opportunity, which doesn't mean I'm miserable.

[neowulf]

I think it's the notion of expectations that causes trouble. You "thought you'd be married, have kids," etc., so that means no matter what you're in auto-fail.

 

I know you can't just turn that stuff off but life's quite a bit more tolerable when you take it one day at a time and drop the should-haves.

 

I know you're right Jen.

 

It's just very, very powerful imprinting. I try focus on the now, making good choices. That's working ok.

 

It's just those times you think "Christ.. what am I suppose to do with the time I've got left, if things like marriage and children are off the table".

 

Perhaps I need to spend more time coming up with an answer to those questions.

 

Thanks all for the support. It's just been a rough couple of months and I've been feeling a bit kicked around is all.

 

It's good to be reminded we're all on this journey together.

[ZHguy]

You know what I hate to hear, what I really hate to hear man. When, somebody decides to mistakingly say that it's gotta to be you who's the problem. I just got off my thread, which was really about a similar thing, quite pissed. As, a couple kids decided to go all, 'sometimes a man is so blind...', 'it's usually a social awkwardness and shyness', and (oh, this one really got me ticking) 'a lot of the times guys have to stop being so picky and stop thinking they've got entitlement privileges, and so have to stop only going for the slim/big boob...'

 

Man, f*** you. You don't know me. You don't know my pain, my experience, the years I've spent trying.

 

Ignore them. That's the first thing you have to do, and you've already done it, realizing that it's not you. Right now I'm just really feeling for those adolescents, or even any other age group, that are feeling like it's their fault. From the legendary Janis Joplin, my signature comes to great relevance here

 

I think it is really important to keep a happy memory in mind: for me it's either the bliss of the atmosphere back home in the streets of San Francisco, or a time I was with some good friends. Just so that you could keep these place in mind, to fuel your optimism and motivation, and to remind yourself that you're striving to be in a better place, a better place than the one you are in or the one that the people in your surroundings are in.

 

God Bless you!

Edited March 4, 2016 by ZHguy

[preraph]

I think there are people who have broad tastes and aren't very particular or have as many preconceived notions and are maybe generally mainstream and somewhat mild-mannered who find it easy to partner up because their field is broad. Then there are people like me who are only attracted to a certain subculture or whatever and can't connect with outsiders. So their field is very narrow. I believe there's probably as many of us as there are the ones for whom it's easy and that it's not abnormal, but just different types of people who are more easily satisfied.

 

I also think lots of other things figure in. Like for me, not having a brother was probably a big impediment. I didn't really view men as people all the way through high school. I was afraid of them. They were foreign to me. That made me very awkward around them. And it took another decade to kind of get past that.

 

And of course, our upbringing and the role models we have determines nearly everything else, for both bad and good, and whether it's going to be easy or hard.

[burnt]

I have had a certain degenerative eye condition for years; a few years ago finally it regressed enough to need surgery. A few weeks after the surgery when I was finally able to look outside, I saw the leaves of the trees and the plants. I could finally see the images as sharp--no longer fuzzy. I had no idea each leaf had such a splash of bright sharp colors; in front of me were all the true colors that I hadn't been able to see for years.

 

When Fall came, I asked everyone if that particular fall was unusually colorful. Everyone said rather indifferently 'no; it's just another typical fall'. I felt this was the first time I had opened my eyes to see color--and everywhere I looked was just another splash of incredible colorful image.

 

All I could do was just look everywhere and eat everything up with my eyes. The colors of trees, each leaf, so many shades of green and orange and red. I had no idea, from morning to night, there was this living dynamic painting I was surrounded by. The sharp color was everywhere. The emotions those sights evoked in me was overwhelming and overpowering. But I was also fully aware the whole time that in just a matter of time, my sight will deteriorate again.

 

This realization also brought about awful depression. I told my psychiatrist that it was SO unfair that I am one of those people who can't interact with people and only finds connection to the rest of the world through nature and I am the one who inherited this eye condition and all these other people have perfect vision, but do not appreciate how lucky they are to be able to see the breathtaking beauty all around them.

 

His reply: "maybe it makes you lucky after all". I hated that reply at the time. But truth is, actually on some level, it DOES make me lucky.

 

What I see is what everyone sees too. But difference is in my level of appreciation and awareness of what I see. I don't need to buy things or actively do things to pass time--I can just spend mins/hours starting at a bee or the moving clouds and find a simple joy in it and find fulfillment. But this appreciation ONLY came because I know what it feels like to not have a perfect vision.

 

For the last three years, my life has been a living nightmare, with everything falling apart in every direction.

 

But it's also in these past three years, spending hours and hours aimlessly wandering online, I have come to discover endless collection of 'interesting' things: moving and inspiring talks, articles, music, art--that speak of life--in a somber but honest and beautiful way.

 

The irony is if I didn't go through all the hell recently I wouldn't have discovered all these pleasant surprises. You can't have the beautiful discovery without the painful misery.

 

Reading your many posts, it sounds like you are a solution oriented problem solver, with a very analytical mind. All the things you are doing are geared with that one objective: to solve the problem. But you see, not every problem has a solution. In fact, the ones without a solution, or unconventional, or paradoxical, or creative solutions are ones that are actually the unique and fascinating ones.

 

I have never gone on a date or been through online dating process like you; so I don't know the frustration you're going through. I don't have any concrete suggestion to give you about what you should/could do, but the only reason I'm writing this post is to say:

 

Neowulf,

Maybe it's your struggle, which has been going on for so many years, makes you an interesting and worthy person.

Maybe the best in you comes out of you through your worst times.

Maybe if/when you finally find what you're looking for--the partner in life and the family with kids--you will actually have an appreciation for it all at a much deeper level than the ones around you who have 'figured out' their lives 'on time'.

 

Your posts are always insightful and thoughtful--maybe you wouldn't have had those insights, and concern for others if you hadn't been going through the rough road yourself. So, that's a gift you have that's worth celebrating.

 

 

Lastly, here's a few of the beautiful things that I discovered in my worst times; and I'm thankful in a way that the world does have many who struggle through awful battles but produce beautiful works of art for the others to be inspired by:

 

 

 

And two more...(music videos)

 

 

 

 

I must have watched the above two music videos a thousand times. If I could have the sense of wonder, innocence, and imagination captured in those two children, what more could I ask for in life?

 

Maybe the only way to truly appreciate and enjoy the simple things is to go through the harsh times.

 

So hang in there...

 

(Sorry about the long reply--being concise doesn't seem to be one of my talents.)

[preraph]

Beautiful post, Burnt. And if it's any consolation, there are a few of us out there who do marvel at the everyday things, well, every day. I sit facing my backyard as I'm working on the computer. I tire those close to me out sometimes telling them how I watched the new puppy next door imitating everything their grown lab does or how my redbud is just starting to bloom, or how my dogs look when they're sleeping, or how gratifying it is when one learns something new.

 

I remember a couple of years ago, we had a mild fall with no freeze, and all the leaves were still on the trees when a big ice storm hit. I remember driving down a residential street in my neighborhood and thinking how all the trees looked like they'd been dipped in glass, everything on them shining and brilliant. I keep a hummingbird journal because I enjoy them so much, and keep the feeder up by my window.

 

But yes, there are those who don't seem to appreciate the everyday things and are never satisfied. I'd be happy if I all I had to do was sit looking out on my backyard with my dogs every day for the rest of my life. So glad you got your sight back. Maybe it will go better than you think or there will be some alternatives.

[Satu]

*I think it's the notion of expectations that causes trouble. You "thought you'd be married, have kids," etc., so that means no matter what you're in auto-fail.

 

I know you can't just turn that stuff off but life's quite a bit more tolerable when you take it one day at a time and drop the should-haves.

 

*I agree, and I think that expectations can be a form of attachment.

 

We have to find ways of dissolving the attachment sometimes, to allow whats meant to happen, happen.

[preraph]

*I agree, and I think that expectations can be a form of attachment.

 

We have to find ways of dissolving the attachment sometimes, to allow whats meant to happen, happen.

 

I think that's at least true for some of us. I had to literally shed my skin for the most part in my late teens, early 20s so I could recreate my true self. At some point I went from reading everything I could put my hands on (Jung, all 12 volumes of Freud's casework and much more) to reading nothing at all. Really, that was inspired by Jung and Freud, because I didn't want being suggestible to determine my path. So I cleared it all out and built my beliefs not based on belief or faith but on what actually happened to me. It was sort of twofold. One part was on a spiritual level, whatever happened to me, that became my truth. The other part was, basically, doing whatever I wanted to do most and not letting life or people pull me off that path.

 

So it was letting go of attachment and expectations and convention and just trying to focus on my true path. It worked. I did live my dream. Though there was and still is now an awful lot of gruntwork involved!

[Satu]

I think that's at least true for some of us. I had to literally shed my skin for the most part in my late teens, early 20s so I could recreate my true self. At some point I went from reading everything I could put my hands on (Jung, all 12 volumes of Freud's casework and much more) to reading nothing at all. Really, that was inspired by Jung and Freud, because I didn't want being suggestible to determine my path. So I cleared it all out and built my beliefs not based on belief or faith but on what actually happened to me. It was sort of twofold. One part was on a spiritual level, whatever happened to me, that became my truth. The other part was, basically, doing whatever I wanted to do most and not letting life or people pull me off that path.

 

So it was letting go of attachment and expectations and convention and just trying to focus on my true path. It worked. I did live my dream. Though there was and still is now an awful lot of gruntwork involved!

 

Your experience/process closely parallels my own.

 

The gruntwork is well worth it.

[neowulf]

The wisdom and insights of some of the posters on this site never ceases to amaze me.

 

Thank you Burnt for your amazing post. It helped offer some perspective.

 

I had a pretty rough week emotionally last week, so I wasn't feeling the best when I posted.

 

Things are looking a little brighter now, in part thanks to these posts.

 

Thanks again for the support, thoughts and encouragement guys.

[preraph]

Neowolf, there are lots of obstacles, especially when you know where you want to go and what you want to do, more than if you are just letting life direct your fate. It has been a struggle for many of us, but if we have a goal in mind and know what we want, it has usually been enough for me to get up in the morning at least. It's when you lose the dream or goal and are stranded that you can spiral downward (which happened to me once). So be ready to shift gears when necessary to keep that from happening.

[preraph]

Your experience/process closely parallels my own.

 

The gruntwork is well worth it.

 

We do seem to be on the same side of the fence often enough that people probably think we're sockpuppets! Thank goodness our writing styles are so different (mine = long-winded; yours=short and poetic)

[Toodaloo]

It's just those times you think "Christ.. what am I suppose to do with the time I've got left, if things like marriage and children are off the table".

 

Very good question.

 

Instead of spending hours answering it as I had been, driving myself mad over yet another flaky guy, I decided to go dancing again. First time in over a decade and I loved it and got partnered up with a rather dashing young fellow with pretty eyes and a nice smile and invited to a party...

 

This whole love thing. It really is luck. Its being in the right place at the right time with the right people and in the right frame of mind.

 

Chin up chook.

 

Go and dance instead of worrying. Go and build a sandcastle or jump in puddles or learn a language or drive a Ferrari or jump out of a plane or... what ever it is you want to do.

 

1. you are more likely to meet someone you get on well with and

2. you will actually have fun while doing it.

 

As for self help books 27 (wrong) reasons why you are single. Its directed at women but I think it relates to guys as well.

 

We might be a bit crusty round the edges but we still have it in us... Lets go show those kool kids a thing or two and have a mid life crisis!