Jump to content

Terrified of attractive women


Recommended Posts

Im 30 years old, never had a girlfriend or had sex or done anything sexual with a woman. When ever i see a woman i feel attracted to i suffer a sort of paralysis and cant move or speak. On the rare occassion a woman shows interest in me, i feel uncomfortable and will get away from that situation as quickly as possible. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to overcome this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My advice is to seek professional assistance. This is a dysfunction that is negatively affecting your well being and ability to function as a normal person.

 

This is beyond the scope of strangers on an Internet forum advising you to "be yourself" and "put yourself out there" etc etc.

 

You will likely need professional assistance to address your roadblocks and work on your social and interpersonal skills.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember
Im 30 years old, never had a girlfriend or had sex or done anything sexual with a woman. When ever i see a woman i feel attracted to i suffer a sort of paralysis and cant move or speak. On the rare occassion a woman shows interest in me, i feel uncomfortable and will get away from that situation as quickly as possible. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to overcome this.

 

You have to be comfortable with who you are and what you represent in life. Why are you here?

 

In my life, I don't necessarily get nervous around more attractive women, but I get nervous talking to certain people in general. I think that they will think what I have to say is boring or dumb. And often ... they do. I'll give you an example. I was out with a bunch of coworkers last week and they were all joking around, so I threw in a joke, and ... nobody laughed.

 

It still bothers me a bit, but I concentrate on the fact that I do good things for people (volunteer and such). Also, I use the golden rule. When somebody else is telling a joke, and I can tell they are trying to get a laugh, I laugh, even it's bad.

 

And I keep reinforcing that in my head. And I don't base my self worth as much on what other people think of me. I base my self worth on how I treat other people.

 

Your situation is different but the same. When you are comfortable with what you represent in life, then you won't care what attractive women think of you. Maybe that will help you. ;)

 

Of course, it's individualized. If you're the type who wants the best job and best woman and biggest house, this advice probably doesn't work so well.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is about your general lack of self esteem....you have to feel worthy or deserving...that is the myth or story you tell yourself. Attractive people are just people. You would be surprised how many of them have their own lack of self esteem. Learn to appreciate and value who you are or become the person you can value. Get professional help like a life coach/therapist to deal with external/ internal issues if you feel you can't navigate the world of self help/ self examination.

Best,

Grumps

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ive looked into seeing a professional, but its quite expensive because you have to do a minimum amount of sessions. In other areas of my life i seem to have been able to overcome my anxieties and fears. Its specifically women that i have the problem.

Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember

I missed it somehow the first time around, but I'd also get the monkey off your back and have sex. Just somehow get it done.

 

Once you get that out of the way, it will be easier to talk to women. I was an older virgin too and you can trust me on that one.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Do you feel less intimidated by unattractive women?

 

Yes i do feel less intimidated by women im not attracted to. I know i shouldnt put so much emphasis on how someone looks, but its just an automatic response that i cant control.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Keep looking for a psychiatrist or psychologist. i find it unconscionable that a legitimate medical professional would require that you commit in advance to a minimum number of sessions. You must be talking to quacks. Keep looking.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes i do feel less intimidated by women im not attracted to. I know i shouldnt put so much emphasis on how someone looks, but its just an automatic response that i cant control.

 

We all encounter people who make us nervous. I remember in college there was one guy who always came into my work. He was really attractive, but for some reason I could not even speak to him. That had never happened to me before around other guys who were just as attractive as he was. The biggest bummer is that he tried to strike up conversations with me, and I was just a shy idiot. Therefore, he and I never went out. Missed opportunity.

 

Don't feel so bad about this..but maybe try to date women who aren't so attractive? Just to become more comfortable with the process?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Keep looking for a psychiatrist or psychologist. i find it unconscionable that a legitimate medical professional would require that you commit in advance to a minimum number of sessions. You must be talking to quacks. Keep looking.

 

When i met this life coach she was trying to get me to sign a sheet of paper that said i would commit to at least three sessions straight off the bat. WHich i thought was a bit pressurising of her.

 

We all encounter people who make us nervous. I remember in college there was one guy who always came into my work. He was really attractive, but for some reason I could not even speak to him. That had never happened to me before around other guys who were just as attractive as he was. The biggest bummer is that he tried to strike up conversations with me, and I was just a shy idiot. Therefore, he and I never went out. Missed opportunity.

 

Don't feel so bad about this..but maybe try to date women who aren't so attractive? Just to become more comfortable with the process?

 

 

The problem is most of the time im not interested in dating/talking to women, i guess because its alien to me. But then one day i'll start to like someone. Thats when i have motivation to do something but im so terrified i end up doing nothing. So dating unattractive women is completely out of the question for me. I just would have no motivation to do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
When i met this life coach she was trying to get me to sign a sheet of paper that said i would commit to at least three sessions straight off the bat. WHich i thought was a bit pressurising of her.

 

A Life Coach is NOT a mental health professional. You need a doctor: a psychiatrist or at least psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker if nothing else. Their fees should be covered by health insurance.

 

Once you figure out where this phobia comes from, then and only then can you benefit from a Life Coach. A good professional life coach will also make sure you have been through therapy before taking you on as a client.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Don't feel so bad about this..but maybe try to date women who aren't so attractive? Just to become more comfortable with the process?

 

This is good advice.

 

OP, the problem with self-esteem is that bothersome 'self' in it.

 

People don't care about us in life for the most part. They look out for themselves. So its up to us to believe in ourselves.

 

Your appearance is the sum of some random nucleotide sequences in your DNA somewhere. Does some chick having a GTACTG where you have a GTCATG make her better than you? F*** no.

Link to post
Share on other sites
A Life Coach is NOT a mental health professional. You need a doctor: a psychiatrist or at least psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker if nothing else. Their fees should be covered by health insurance.

 

Once you figure out where this phobia comes from, then and only then can you benefit from a Life Coach. A good professional life coach will also make sure you have been through therapy before taking you on as a client.

 

This ^^^^

 

If you have an actual dysfunction, you will need a trained and educated professional.

 

If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't go to a coach to coach you through how to play with the pain. You would go to a doctor to fix the broken arm.

 

This is the same thing. The part of you that is supposed to interact with the opposite sex to find a mate is broken. It needs to be evaluated and treated by a trained professional, not someone that recites motivational slogans and gives you a training program.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This ^^^^

 

If you have an actual dysfunction, you will need a trained and educated professional.

 

If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't go to a coach to coach you through how to play with the pain. You would go to a doctor to fix the broken arm.

 

This is the same thing. The part of you that is supposed to interact with the opposite sex to find a mate is broken. It needs to be evaluated and treated by a trained professional, not someone that recites motivational slogans and gives you a training program.

 

And you will need a professional to determine whether you have a dysfunction or just need some motivation and guidence.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot
...

Does some chick having a GTACTG where you have a GTCATG make her better than you? F*** no.

Darwin and natural selection might beg to differ..., just sayin... ..lol..

 

To the OP, I think something to try is not just focusing on women you find attractive. Talk to as many as you can regardless of their looks, starting with the ones less desirable to you. As you become more comfortable talking to women in general the more desirable ones may become less intimidating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Im 30 years old, never had a girlfriend or had sex or done anything sexual with a woman. When ever i see a woman i feel attracted to i suffer a sort of paralysis and cant move or speak. On the rare occassion a woman shows interest in me, i feel uncomfortable and will get away from that situation as quickly as possible. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to overcome this.

 

One of the standard ways of dealing with phobias is exposure therapy.

It will take time and commitment on your part, but it absolutely will work in time.

 

I would begin with speed dating nights. Why? Because you're not going to get a date. You're going there to practice speaking with women and being in their company.

 

You only need keep it together for a short burst of time. There's a good chance a lot of the women you'll be speaking with won't be attractive to you. That's great! You can practice communication with them, practice being comfortable in their presence.

 

If the idea of speed dating is too stressful, take a step back and simply go down to a busy mall during the day and practice asking for the time.

 

Simply pick a woman out of the crowd, wonder up to her, smile and ask if she has the time. That's it. You don't have to get her name. Don't try pick her up. Simply approach her, ask for the time, thank her, and leave.

 

The whole idea is to start in small, manageable steps and build up from there.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

you know... i'm drop-dead gorgeous... no, really :D but i didn't have sex until i was 35. i was terrified of sleeping w/any man - i was phobic about std's and aids, and being all dirty and sweaty, and you name it, i was freaked out by it. i would dump all my boyfriends before we could get naked. people would easily say to me 'go see a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist' etc. but it wasn't really anything that severe. it was just a huge fear i had built up in my head and the right boyfriend just came along and i got over it. sometimes it can be something that needs therapy and counseling and sometimes it's just a bunch of fear blocking you and what you need to accomplish. only you can truly know how deep the issues are and if you can solve it personally or with professional help. but don't think there is something wrong w/you because you're not advanced in a sexual way... some of us just don't go there until we're ready, for many reasons and it can often stem from extreme shyness or introversion/social anxiety, or just thinking you're not good enough, that dreaded lack of confidence. just don't give up trying and it'll come to you :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it's a dysfunction at all. I felt the same way in the past, hard to describe.... It's just something I managed to get over by immersion, and social interaction. Something to get used to....it's just a higher level of anxiety (assuming everything is normal).

 

You have to think differently and learn how to behave. They won't bite your head off!

 

Recently, I went to a nude massage parlour in hopes that the paid situation would help me make it easier to touch a real woman when it comes to it. Perhaps that added familiarity will, but I was surprised by what I DIDN'T feel when I was there. Same with me getting laid in Amsterdam....it was all superficial. It only proved that I didn't really need these extra stepping stones, I could have done it for real (well, maybe the getting laid part would have been super awkward and a real catch would have run away).

Link to post
Share on other sites

I see once again therapy is being trotted out as the band aid solution to all problems.

 

I'd challenge posters here to find me ANYONE who isn't even slightly intimidated by a very attractive lady. I suspect everyone is to a lesser or greater degree.

 

You can of course get around this problem by just not interacting with people who intimidate you or only speak when spoken to. Neither is ideal but the solution is to actually feel confident in yourself and you certainly don't need a therapist to tell you that.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I see once again therapy is being trotted out as the band aid solution to all problems.

 

I'd challenge posters here to find me ANYONE who isn't even slightly intimidated by a very attractive lady. I suspect everyone is to a lesser or greater degree.

 

You can of course get around this problem by just not interacting with people who intimidate you or only speak when spoken to. Neither is ideal but the solution is to actually feel confident in yourself and you certainly don't need a therapist to tell you that.

 

Therapy isn't a "band aid" solution. It's not magical. It simply offers people who are struggling some support. Simply rocking up and talking won't fix anything. Action fixes problems, not talking about them.

 

You build confidence through repeated success. By setting the bar low to begin with, you build the foundation that eventually allows you to tackle the much harder challenges.

 

Sure, most people struggle / feel self conscious around very attractive people. It's normal. That said, I could certainly hold a conversation with a stunning woman. I wouldn't have the nerve to ask her out, but I could hold a conversation with her.

 

The OP simply shuts down. He's got to crawl before he can walk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...