The tables have turned

[LookAtThisPOst]

Contacted this woman online, that I thought was a good match, based on what she had written. Typical "American Pie" type girl, good old-fashioned values, appreciation for family, etc. She looked to be indeed the kind of girl you can bring home to mom and dad. Average/modest looking but cute.

 

I emailed her, and she gave me the canned, "Thanks for the message, but I don't think we'd make a good match, good luck in your search."

 

At the bottom of the profile, it had a disclaimer about HER sending messages and finding it rude that MEN don't reply...even if they weren't interested. I found that funny because it's mostly men that have this complaint.

 

Then later, she updated her disclaimer by deleting the old one and adding the, "If I don't reply, it means I didn't think we were a good match, so good luck in your search."

 

I found the irony in that NOW, given the time she's spent on the site about her complaining about men not replying back to HER, but now had to c hange it up to explain how she may not reply to men.

 

Almost seems hypocritical.

 

It's like "I'm mad because men are ignoring me, but now I have to find reason to say why I'm ignoring them."

[PegNosePete]

Almost seems hypocritical.

Not at all. She simply got sick of writing the canned response you quoted earlier.

[Imajerk17]

It's not surprising at all. When I first started OLD I wanted to do the right thing and respond to every email. I quickly got away from that though.

 

Everyone knows "we're not a match" is usually code for "I'm not physically attracted to you" and what good does it do *either* party to tell a stranger who seems perfectly decent, that outright. I myself personally, when I sent the first email to someone, would rather the other person just not respond if she wasn't interested.

 

Also, this woman, in her efforts to be nice, probably got too many angry responses from guys demanding to know why she thought they "weren't a match". That is probably be the main reason why this woman changed her policy. Easier to just not respond and not have to deal w that.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Imajerk17

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's not surprising at all. When I first started OLD I wanted to do the right thing and respond to every email. I quickly got away from that though.

 

Everyone knows "we're not a match" is usually code for "I'm not physically attracted to you" and what good does it do *either* party to tell a stranger who seems perfectly decent, that outright. I myself personally, when I sent the first email to someone, would rather the other person just not respond if she wasn't interested.

 

Also, this woman, in her efforts to be nice, probably got too many angry responses from guys demanding to know why she thought they "weren't a match". That is probably be the main reason why this woman changed her policy.

 

Right it isn't surprising. Chances are she was new to the whole online dating scene. It is kind of discouraging when you get caught up in their words of what they wrote about themselves and what their looking for and I think, "Wow, the guy she is looking for pretty much mirrors me."

 

So I get into those talking points with her, noting how much we match, and the supporting details regarding her interests, beliefs, and dating methods pretty much being the same....only to get, "Sorry, not a good match." as a rather abrupt response LOL

 

I think some guys get argumentative with her and say, "What do you mean, we're not a good match, everything described in your profile is how I am and the reason I contacted you."

 

 

Yeah, you're right, that all said is, Sorry, saw your pictures and you're too short, don't have a masculine jawline, or whatever physical flaw she found quite undesirable."

 

Speaking of which, I actually had a co-worker, and IT guy I worked with...said he did the online dating thing YEARS ago. He got tired of not getting any responses, and he's a decent, well tempered guy. Apparently he reached a boiling point of sorts when the final woman didn't respond to him and just let her have it with both barrels. lol

 

Since then, he didn't touch online dating.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I was wondering, with those profile that just say, "Ask me" I should reply and say, "Will you answer if I ask?"

[road]

I got married before Al Gore invented the internet and I am still sentenced to life without parole.

 

 

However how hard can it be to type out: Sorry you seem like a nice man but I'm not interested. - then hit the send button.

 

 

She can knockout a bunch of these get lost loser messages while she watches TV with the PC on her lap.

 

 

Though I will say this, if I was sitting in my house, single, and OLD'ing. I'd be sitting on my sofa, leather, drooling over a lot of women, not all, I have my standards after all.

 

 

Now back to talking about being online, I'd be honest enough to know that if I was a woman magnet and I would not be OLD:

 

 

OLD?

What OLD?

I don't need know stinkin' OLD?

I'm getting laid, relaid, overlaid, underlaid, delayed, I have a snack and a short rest and restart the next round of getting laid.

 

 

Any way back to reality:

 

 

As I was drooling and contacting all these honeys on OLD my hopes would as high as they could be.

 

 

After waiting a while and not hearing back from them I would realize that for some unfathomable reason there is no reciprocal drooling on their part.

 

 

So I would not need a get lost message from them to know I'm not even going to get a shot at taking them out for a coffee and get the chance to sell myself.

 

 

Just as in real life when a man puts on a big smile and walks up to a woman and she just gives him the look of get lost without saying a word is just the same as if on OLD and you click on her profile and she ignores you.

 

 

So why all the drama just because you are getting shot down. Hey, technology is great. It has just made you to be able to get shot down even faster then you ever did before.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I got married before Al Gore invented the internet and I am still sentenced to life without parole.

 

 

However how hard can it be to type out: Sorry you seem like a nice man but I'm not interested. - then hit the send button.

 

 

She can knockout a bunch of these get lost loser messages while she watches TV with the PC on her lap.

 

 

Though I will say this, if I was sitting in my house, single, and OLD'ing. I'd be sitting on my sofa, leather, drooling over a lot of women, not all, I have my standards after all.

 

 

Now back to talking about being online, I'd be honest enough to know that if I was a woman magnet and I would not be OLD:

 

 

OLD?

What OLD?

I don't need know stinkin' OLD?

I'm getting laid, relaid, overlaid, underlaid, delayed, I have a snack and a short rest and restart the next round of getting laid.

 

 

Any way back to reality:

 

 

As I was drooling and contacting all these honeys on OLD my hopes would as high as they could be.

 

 

After waiting a while and not hearing back from them I would realize that for some unfathomable reason there is no reciprocal drooling on their part.

 

 

So I would not need a get lost message from them to know I'm not even going to get a shot at taking them out for a coffee and get the chance to sell myself.

 

 

Just as in real life when a man puts on a big smile and walks up to a woman and she just gives him the look of get lost without saying a word is just the same as if on OLD and you click on her profile and she ignores you.

 

 

So why all the drama just because you are getting shot down. Hey, technology is great. It has just made you to be able to get shot down even faster then you ever did before.

 

LOL..yeah, that's a funny commentary, Road. :-) Thing is, after they don't respond...I may wind up contacting them a couple weeks later, not knowing that I had emailed them before. So the lack of reply on their part may wind up with me having run the gambit of women in my geographic search region, to come full circle back to her profile only to email her again.

 

(There's only but a finite amount of available singles where I live, and of those there a few taht have their front teeth and washed hair online. lol)

 

Had I'd seen the "Sorry, not interested" as a reminder in my inbox, then she probably may not wind up with repeat emails. Kind of a lose-lose situation.

 

Though, I do have to say, some of my repeat emails won me dates only because they overlooked it and had forgotten to reply (yes, true story).

[AMJ]

I agree with Road.

 

Why would I spent time politely messaging guys I wasn't interested in, if responding to the guys I am interested in is already taking a lot of time out of my day?

 

People get lazy in OLD, period. Even with sites where you can't even talk to someone unless there's mutual interest- like Tinder and Bumble, I've had the experience where dozens of men just don't want to talk to me. They swiped right, which means they think I'm attractive, but then they just have absolutely no desire to even talk to me. Let alone meet me in person. I'm not going to sit around and complain about it, because what good does that accomplish?

[road]

LOL..yeah, that's a funny commentary, Road. :-) Thing is, after they don't respond...I may wind up contacting them a couple weeks later, not knowing that I had emailed them before. So the lack of reply on their part may wind up with me having run the gambit of women in my geographic search region, to come full circle back to her profile only to email her again.

 

(There's only but a finite amount of available singles where I live, and of those there a few taht have their front teeth and washed hair online. lol)

 

Had I'd seen the "Sorry, not interested" as a reminder in my inbox, then she probably may not wind up with repeat emails. Kind of a lose-lose situation.

 

Though, I do have to say, some of my repeat emails won me dates only because they overlooked it and had forgotten to reply (yes, true story).

 

 

I would not feel bad if I forgot that I had reached out before and did not get a reply. Then sent another hit. Honest mistake.

 

 

Though I would be tempted to reach out again on purpose, because to say it bluntly she is being passed up by the 8-10's she may now be willing to lower her standards and give me a shot.

 

 

I do not hold a grudge against a woman because she will not date me. She is doing the same thing I am. That is get the best mate that she can.

 

 

A single man has nothing to lose when he reaches out. The woman tells him get lost he still will be single. We can't be double singled, or singled down to the next level every time we get rejected.

[MissBee]

Contacted this woman online, that I thought was a good match, based on what she had written. Typical "American Pie" type girl, good old-fashioned values, appreciation for family, etc. She looked to be indeed the kind of girl you can bring home to mom and dad. Average/modest looking but cute.

 

I emailed her, and she gave me the canned, "Thanks for the message, but I don't think we'd make a good match, good luck in your search."

 

At the bottom of the profile, it had a disclaimer about HER sending messages and finding it rude that MEN don't reply...even if they weren't interested. I found that funny because it's mostly men that have this complaint.

 

Then later, she updated her disclaimer by deleting the old one and adding the, "If I don't reply, it means I didn't think we were a good match, so good luck in your search."

 

I found the irony in that NOW, given the time she's spent on the site about her complaining about men not replying back to HER, but now had to c hange it up to explain how she may not reply to men.

 

Almost seems hypocritical.

 

It's like "I'm mad because men are ignoring me, but now I have to find reason to say why I'm ignoring them."

 

 

Why were you still looking at her profile to know her disclaimer got updated?

 

In any case, she changed the disclaimer, people are allowed to change their minds about things. It's not hypocritical if after a while of being on the site you realize it works best to not respond to people and then you also realize it's probably easier for them to not respond to you either. It could be that through her own experience of responding politely some men didn't take it well or still had a problem, so she learned through experience it's best not to have to respond to every single person you're not into and then it could have clicked that hmmmm....men who don't respond probably also feel the same. It would only be "hypocritical" if she still expected them to respond, but you don't know that....her disclaimer didn't say that....she changed it altogether...so you have no idea if she's also had a change of perspective about their responses too.

 

Either way....I don't think what this one woman has on her profile, esp if she's not interested, should be a big deal.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I would not feel bad if I forgot that I had reached out before and did not get a reply. Then sent another hit. Honest mistake.

 

True, I know what you mean.

 

 

Though I would be tempted to reach out again on purpose, because to say it bluntly she is being passed up by the 8-10's she may now be willing to lower her standards and give me a shot.

 

You could yes...but risk the chance of being blocked.

 

After a one year reprieve from POF, It'd rejoin and see some women's profiles stating, "Well, here I am trying this again" or "Third time's a charm!" One recently, single, never married, no kids, early 40-something was making another attempt. Rather attractive woman, which it's unusual to find an unwed attractive women in smaller cities, esp. for as long as they've lived there.

 

She lives in a neighboring city, but will ONLY date within her city limits.

 

It was then right there I could figure out why she's back at it again.

 

It would only be "hypocritical" if she still expected them to respond, but you don't know that....her disclaimer didn't say that

 

It actually DID say that, she was expecting me to respond. She deleted it and made the change. I just found it quite unique to have a woman say this in her profile. lol

[Imajerk17]

Right it isn't surprising. Chances are she was new to the whole online dating scene. It is kind of discouraging when you get caught up in their words of what they wrote about themselves and what their looking for and I think, "Wow, the guy she is looking for pretty much mirrors me."

 

So I get into those talking points with her, noting how much we match, and the supporting details regarding her interests, beliefs, and dating methods pretty much being the same....only to get, "Sorry, not a good match." as a rather abrupt response LOL

 

I think some guys get argumentative with her and say, "What do you mean, we're not a good match, everything described in your profile is how I am and the reason I contacted you."

 

 

Yeah, you're right, that all said is, Sorry, saw your pictures and you're too short, don't have a masculine jawline, or whatever physical flaw she found quite undesirable."

 

Speaking of which, I actually had a co-worker, and IT guy I worked with...said he did the online dating thing YEARS ago. He got tired of not getting any responses, and he's a decent, well tempered guy. Apparently he reached a boiling point of sorts when the final woman didn't respond to him and just let her have it with both barrels. lol

 

Since then, he didn't touch online dating.

 

Sure, that indeed is frustrating.

 

However, if this sort of thing happens on the regular to you, then it really would serve you to have someone look at your profile--pictures and text, AND your first emails. Someone with a more critical eye who can be straight with you about this. (I am getting the sense that the length of your first email was rather long, and I am wondering whether or not that turned her off.)

[xxoo]

 

Speaking of which, I actually had a co-worker, and IT guy I worked with...said he did the online dating thing YEARS ago. He got tired of not getting any responses, and he's a decent, well tempered guy. Apparently he reached a boiling point of sorts when the final woman didn't respond to him and just let her have it with both barrels. lol

 

Since then, he didn't touch online dating.

 

Wow. That's pretty disturbing considering she hadn't interacted with him at all. He just went off on a woman completely unprovoked??

 

People need to understand that word on a profile are not actually directed to you, the reader, personally. No one is obligated to answer messages from strangers, man or woman.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow. That's pretty disturbing considering she hadn't interacted with him at all. He just went off on a woman completely unprovoked??

 

People need to understand that word on a profile are not actually directed to you, the reader, personally. No one is obligated to answer messages from strangers, man or woman.

 

Man, if I did OLD, I would probably wait 24 hours to respond to someone to see if they went wacko first.

[MissBee]

Wow. That's pretty disturbing considering she hadn't interacted with him at all. He just went off on a woman completely unprovoked??

 

People need to understand that word on a profile are not actually directed to you, the reader, personally. No one is obligated to answer messages from strangers, man or woman.

 

Ditto.

 

The level of entitlement some men display is alarming. Women being fearful of a man's reaction to rejection and having to be taught how to "be nice" to not provoke a man to respond unpleasantly to rejection is just insane...but we often have to do it.

 

In any case, no one is entitled to another person's time or messages online or anywhere else. And yes, even if YOU read their profile and think that you're a good match, it doesn't mean you are or that they agree and people need to learn how to let that roll of their backs or avoid dating at all. One thing that annoyed me in OLD was men who messaged me, I didn't respond, then they continued to message me to be rude and also point out how much of a match they thought we were...except it was clear we weren't, based on how they messaged me and other things in their profile. Just because you like the same tv shows as I do or some of the same hobbies doesn't mean I HAVE to be interested, lots of other things in your profile or about your appearance could turn me off or just not click for me....so it's bad practice to assume that you and a stranger are a perfect match based on some commonalities and then assault them for it OR assume they are shallow because they don't see how good of a match you all are...as you very well may not be.

[GemmaUK]

Not at all. She simply got sick of writing the canned response you quoted earlier.

 

Agree!

 

I think some guys get argumentative with her and say, "What do you mean, we're not a good match, everything described in your profile is how I am and the reason I contacted you."

Exactly!

Same with the guys who decide to ignore a polite 'no thank you' for reasons such as distance - the guy says 'I am fine with the distance, I'll drive' after she has said it's too far for her.

This is the first sign of a guy who just doesn't think a woman should have an opinion.

[loveweary11]

Non responses make logical sense though.

 

If it's clearly a person you're not attracted to, why waste time answering all of them?

 

Makes a lot more sense to put your limited time into ones you are interested in.

 

I don't respond to the ones I'm not interested in. Who has enough free time? Who can fault them?

 

Just move on.

[road]

True, I know what you mean.

 

 

 

 

You could yes...but risk the chance of being blocked.

 

After a one year reprieve from POF, It'd rejoin and see some women's profiles stating, "Well, here I am trying this again" or "Third time's a charm!" One recently, single, never married, no kids, early 40-something was making another attempt. Rather attractive woman, which it's unusual to find an unwed attractive women in smaller cities, esp. for as long as they've lived there.

 

She lives in a neighboring city, but will ONLY date within her city limits.

 

It was then right there I could figure out why she's back at it again.

 

 

 

It actually DID say that, she was expecting me to respond. She deleted it and made the change. I just found it quite unique to have a woman say this in her profile. lol

 

 

So she blocks you. Oh my god. She blocked me. Oh the humanity. Woe is me. This will be the end of me. The end is near. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, oh wait it is a train coming at me, Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

 

Wait a minute, I wasn't getting laid by her before she blocked me and now that she blocked means I won't be getting laid by her now. Boy I really screwed this time no sex before and no sex after.

[road]

Agree!

 

 

Exactly!

Same with the guys who decide to ignore a polite 'no thank you' for reasons such as distance - the guy says 'I am fine with the distance, I'll drive' after she has said it's too far for her.

This is the first sign of a guy who just doesn't think a woman should have an opinion.

 

 

Nothing to do with women having opinions, even the good opinions.

 

 

It is about a man that wants a relationship and from what he saw online he is willing to make the effort to drive that far for her for he see's her as being worth the effort.

[GemmaUK]

Nothing to do with women having opinions, even the good opinions.

 

It is about a man that wants a relationship and from what he saw online he is willing to make the effort to drive that far for her for he see's her as being worth the effort.

 

So if he does respect her opinion why did he not respect it the first time she responded 'no thanks'?

 

I find it pretty odd too to feel so invested/interested at first/second mail stage that a person would basically argue a 'no thanks' in any way at all.

[xxoo]

Nothing to do with women having opinions, even the good opinions.

 

 

It is about a man that wants a relationship and from what he saw online he is willing to make the effort to drive that far for her for he see's her as being worth the effort.

 

She politely said no.

 

And this is why women ignore rather than politely saying no.

[MissBee]

So if he does respect her opinion why did he not respect it the first time she responded 'no thanks'?

 

I find it pretty odd too to feel so invested/interested at first/second mail stage that a person would basically argue a 'no thanks' in any way at all.

 

It's strange indeed.

 

You don't know the person from a can of paint so if they are saying no, why force it with someone you don't know and don't even know if you'd really like.

 

Also, your willingness to drive far is no excuse to not accept her no thank you. Did she ask or say that was the issue? What you're willing to do and what SHE is willing to do or allow are 2 different things entirely. It may have nothing to do with how far you're willing to drive. It's best to respect a no the first time instead of trying to negotiate or ignore it to propose some solution centered on yourself, which may have nothing to do with her and which you're assuming she hasn't already thought of before but still chose no in spite of it. That's why ignoring is sometimes best altogether.

Edited February 3, 2016 by MissBee

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's strange indeed.

 

You don't know the person from a can of paint so if they are saying no, why force it with someone you don't know and don't even know if you'd really like.

 

Also, your willingness to drive far is no excuse to not accept her no thank you. Did she ask or say that was the issue? What you're willing to do and what SHE is willing to do or allow are 2 different things entirely. It may have nothing to do with how far you're willing to drive. It's best to respect a no the first time instead of trying to negotiate or ignore it to propose some solution centered on yourself, which may have nothing to do with her and which you're assuming she hasn't already thought of before but still chose no in spite of it. That's why ignoring is sometimes best altogether.

 

Yes, you're right on that account. My return to POF after a year is getting rather brief as I am seeing these very same women all over again. Some are reruns or return members as well. It's a small community and as Road cited:

 

Though I would be tempted to reach out again on purpose, because to say it bluntly she is being passed up by the 8-10's she may now be willing to lower her standards and give me a shot.

 

And in a smaller community you'd think this would be the case as most people, prior to the internet, were limited geographically in their coupling up.

 

I've actually gotten some honest answers from women that were blunt, and I hold no ill will towards them as it's just how it is and exists. I only did this a handful of times, just to see what the response was.

 

Apparently, their turn around time on their responses were so quick, they were likely judging by the photo, height stat, and or even my physical appearance that they likely didn't read much, if at all, into the literature of the profile.

 

Had one honestly tell me, "I just wasn't physically attracted"

 

I'm sure all of you done it even when out people watching, thought to yourself, "ick, he/she's ugly" or "Man, it looks like he or she seen too many fast food restaurants!" I'm sure the thoughts cross your minds and I'm sure the same thing happens to those just skimming the profiles Tinder-style.

 

So there's no real adjustments are tweaking that can be done, whether the opening email is "Hi" to something longer. I've done my share of tweaking and rather great non-grainy and clear photos. Already had participated in sharing my profile with friends with positive feedback.

 

Funny, how people say, "If you put up great photos, you'll be more attractive to people."

 

Okay, I guess you take a 350 lb man or woman, sit her under studio lighting and back drop is still not going to help them look better.

 

A man that's 5'4" with clear and concise profile photos isn't going to be much of an improvement either.

 

You can spray air freshener on a turd, but it'll still be a turd.

[Shining One]

Why would I spent time politely messaging guys I wasn't interested in, if responding to the guys I am interested in is already taking a lot of time out of my day?

No one is obligated to answer messages from strangers, man or woman.

In any case, no one is entitled to another person's time or messages online or anywhere else.

I've had this debate within my circle of friends several times over the years. I'll admit, the lack of responses used to bother me when I first started, but I got used to it. I never exploded on anyone though. However, I still believe the "polite" thing to do is to respond back. Thus, I always communicate my lack of interest to women who message me rather than just ignore them.

 

A friend of mine has the policy of ignoring women right after he sleeps with them. He actually uses this logic: Women prefer to communicate their disinterest by silence. I'm just doing the same.

 

I think both cases are "rude", but I don't expect the world to live by my sensibilities.

[MissBee]

I've had this debate within my circle of friends several times over the years. I'll admit, the lack of responses used to bother me when I first started, but I got used to it. I never exploded on anyone though. However, I still believe the "polite" thing to do is to respond back. Thus, I always communicate my lack of interest to women who message me rather than just ignore them.

 

A friend of mine has the policy of ignoring women right after he sleeps with them. He actually uses this logic: Women prefer to communicate their disinterest by silence. I'm just doing the same.

 

I think both cases are "rude", but I don't expect the world to live by my sensibilities.

 

I think after you've had a date, some type of prolonged contact, certainly sex, or a relationship, at that point having a conversation or explaining your disinterest is the right thing to do.

 

However, if a stranger on a website sends a message...you never met them...don't know them...and don't want to know them, then that's a different case. In cases like this, online, and when only one message has been sent on only one party's end, I agree w/ preferring silence. I don't need a man that I've sent one msg to to write me a form rejection. I can sum it up easily and with no hard feelings by a non-response. However, if we've actually been communicating back and forth, went on a date and for sure had sex, that's totally different. We owe more to people with whom we have more developed relationship basically, that's why. After having sex is certainly a more involved relationship than messaging someone whose first name you don't even know on a website.

 

It's like jobs, when you apply online for a job for example, if they never choose to interview you, they never have to say anything to you. Some do, and that's nice. But it's reasonable that if they don't reply at all, they're probably not even interested in your resume. However, after you've exchanged emails with a hiring manager or recruiter,gone on an interview in person or via the phone etc, then yes I do think it's rude not to tell you they won't be hiring you. But before they do that, if you simply sent out your cover letter and resume, then them not responding says it all and is less rude than if you met everyone and interviewed and they said they'd let you know and then went silent.

Edited February 4, 2016 by MissBee