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Dug myself in forever alone


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Turning 40 soon, male, never had a relationship/girlfriend.

 

Would like to think I'm okay looking but reality says otherwise. Women have rarely/never shown interest.

 

Since I rarely gotten positive experiences, I guess I stopped trying. So now I find myself trying to dig out. I would like to have a family someday.

 

My one hope is that I did manage to attract a co-worker many years ago. She was overtly flirtatious, so it made it easy on me to flirt respond back. It didn't last. But it was a fun 2 or 3 dates. It was organic. I got lucky.

 

I guess I would like to think I'm not totally hopeless?

 

Reaching out for help.

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Yeah, 40 doesn't sound fun, but it's just a number so really don't worry about it.

 

I think the first thing to do is find something that makes you happy in yourself, whether that's a new hobby or doing more of your existing ones. It's really important to work on having a positive outlook on life which will not only make you feel better, but will start to attract others into your life too.

 

What part are you struggling with the most? Confidence? Approaching women? Are you waiting for them to come to you (they generally don't)?

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DrReplyInRhymes

It's your attitude, it's your accomplishments, the money, and the sex,

Work on those, in no particular order, and it will cause women not to 'next',

The marriage, the family, the commitment, the closeness and such,

Come after you proved to her you're a prize, then they'll do anything for your touch.

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Do you have friends?

 

Do you go out?

 

Do you do online dating, Tinder, or Meetup?

 

Do you have a stable job and live independently?

 

How do you meet women?

 

How many women did you approach and ask out on a date in the past three months?

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Yeah, 40 doesn't sound fun, but it's just a number so really don't worry about it.

 

I think the first thing to do is find something that makes you happy in yourself, whether that's a new hobby or doing more of your existing ones. It's really important to work on having a positive outlook on life which will not only make you feel better, but will start to attract others into your life too.

 

What part are you struggling with the most? Confidence? Approaching women? Are you waiting for them to come to you (they generally don't)?

 

I guess approaching women, and asking them out? Showing them I'm interested in dating you? I'm comfortable being around women, if my mind isn't on hooking up.

 

I was at a meetup.com even recently and I was the only guy with 2 women. I had a good time, good conversation. I had no plans on hooking up. I just wanted to get out and meet new people.

 

I often have not had a good/healthy perspective on dating, love, etc. I don't know if maybe if it's just lack of (positive) experiences? But trying to learn now. Rejection is okay. Approaching is okay. I have to chase. Stop crushing on some one immediately. You have to date and get to know them first.

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Do you have friends?

 

Do you go out?

 

Do you do online dating, Tinder, or Meetup?

 

Do you have a stable job and live independently?

 

How do you meet women?

 

How many women did you approach and ask out on a date in the past three months?

 

Buddies since age 13. Most are married with family now.

 

Starting to go out and meet new people. Aside from the usual, work, grocery store, I'm attending Meetups to try meet new people. Its been good, positives experiences so far.

 

I haven't tried OLD. Thinking of trying it. But the stories! Thinking of doing paid eHarmony. Hoping that'll get me to meet LTR minded women who are interested in settling down and starting a family. I hope.

 

Stable job, so far. Been at it 10 years. Don't live indepently, but I pay all the bills. If I can get dates, I'll rent an apartment ASAP.

 

I meet women. But, how to meet women and get dates?

 

0 women approached and asked out in the past 3 months. I'm hoping to change that. I'm hoping I can change that.

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JuneJulySeptember
Buddies since age 13. Most are married with family now.

 

Starting to go out and meet new people. Aside from the usual, work, grocery store, I'm attending Meetups to try meet new people. Its been good, positives experiences so far.

 

I haven't tried OLD. Thinking of trying it. But the stories! Thinking of doing paid eHarmony. Hoping that'll get me to meet LTR minded women who are interested in settling down and starting a family. I hope.

 

Stable job, so far. Been at it 10 years. Don't live indepently, but I pay all the bills. If I can get dates, I'll rent an apartment ASAP.

 

I meet women. But, how to meet women and get dates?

 

0 women approached and asked out in the past 3 months. I'm hoping to change that. I'm hoping I can change that.

 

I'm about your age, and I'm not on the high end of desirability, objectively either.

 

Looking back (and forward as well), the best way to do it IMO is to go about your life and try and meet people normally, through friends and events, and meetups, and also supplement that with OLD.

 

For me, all my relationships came from friends of friends. I got some dates from OLD and none of them amounted to a relationship, but it got 'sorta close'. If I was to do OLD for another year or two, the law of averages might kick in and I think I could find a woman who 'feels it'. Probably. Maybe.

 

The most important advice anybody can give to a man in your position is get used to rejection and not to take it personally. You'll get rejected a lot. All the time. There might even be times women ask you out and then reject you later. The most important thing is to not beat yourself up and think you are ugly, or lack charisma, or are boring or whatever.

 

Basically, it's a numbers game. You might get lucky and hit in the first 5 or it might take over 100.

 

Good luck.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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with OLD.

 

Basically, it's a numbers game. You might get lucky and hit in the first 5 or it might take over 100.

 

Good luck.

 

I have read this enough times. Can you provide any conclusive proof this is a numbers game? I personally do not know a single person who by the age of 40 has not had a gf, clearly the OP has met people, possibly quite a few and yet still.

 

It isn't a numbers game at all, most of the people I know who are married, old school friends, NONE needed to date 20 people to find a girlfriend.

 

My advice to the OP is to try and put the bad experiences behind you, easier said that done but I think unfortunately it does somehow radiate, I have the same issue you do.

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BronzeAgeJaeger217
Yeah, 40 doesn't sound fun, but it's just a number so really don't worry about it.

 

I think the first thing to do is find something that makes you happy in yourself, whether that's a new hobby or doing more of your existing ones. It's really important to work on having a positive outlook on life which will not only make you feel better, but will start to attract others into your life too.

 

What part are you struggling with the most? Confidence? Approaching women? Are you waiting for them to come to you (they generally don't)?

 

The hardest part is being more assertive and initiating/escalating without bitterness and resentment

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JuneJulySeptember
I have read this enough times. Can you provide any conclusive proof this is a numbers game? I personally do not know a single person who by the age of 40 has not had a gf, clearly the OP has met people, possibly quite a few and yet still.

 

It isn't a numbers game at all, most of the people I know who are married, old school friends, NONE needed to date 20 people to find a girlfriend.

 

My advice to the OP is to try and put the bad experiences behind you, easier said that done but I think unfortunately it does somehow radiate, I have the same issue you do.

 

Some people have to go through more numbers than others.

 

Does it matter?

 

What are you going to do man? Keep beating yourself up and convincing yourself that you are inadequate and need to improve A, B, C, D and E to get a girlfriend? Or are you going to love yourself and find somebody who likes you as you are?

 

Do you really think you're that bad of a guy or do you think women just feel it or they don't? ;)

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BronzeAgeJaeger217
Turning 40 soon, male, never had a relationship/girlfriend.

 

Would like to think I'm okay looking but reality says otherwise. Women have rarely/never shown interest.

 

Since I rarely gotten positive experiences, I guess I stopped trying. So now I find myself trying to dig out. I would like to have a family someday.

 

My one hope is that I did manage to attract a co-worker many years ago. She was overtly flirtatious, so it made it easy on me to flirt respond back. It didn't last. But it was a fun 2 or 3 dates. It was organic. I got lucky.

 

I guess I would like to think I'm not totally hopeless?

 

Reaching out for help.

 

"Women have rarely/never shown interest", that's why there are times I wish the human mating dance was similar to animals, the male literally fights another male in order to win over the female, it would help me release a lot of anger, rage, frustration, bitterness and resentment, depression, over how life, reality, is more unfair to shy, quiet, socially-awkward, socially-inept guys than the other way around, on how God damn assertive and action-oriented, initiative-oriented, leader-oriented us guys are expected to be

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I'm about your age, and I'm not on the high end of desirability, objectively either.

 

Looking back (and forward as well), the best way to do it IMO is to go about your life and try and meet people normally, through friends and events, and meetups, and also supplement that with OLD.

 

For me, all my relationships came from friends of friends. I got some dates from OLD and none of them amounted to a relationship, but it got 'sorta close'. If I was to do OLD for another year or two, the law of averages might kick in and I think I could find a woman who 'feels it'. Probably. Maybe.

 

The most important advice anybody can give to a man in your position is get used to rejection and not to take it personally. You'll get rejected a lot. All the time. There might even be times women ask you out and then reject you later. The most important thing is to not beat yourself up and think you are ugly, or lack charisma, or are boring or whatever.

 

Basically, it's a numbers game. You might get lucky and hit in the first 5 or it might take over 100.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm going to try. I want to try. I'm thankful I get to try. (I had a cancer scare that turned out to be nothing. Whew!)

 

I never learned early on that (a lot of) rejection is part of the process/normal. But I'm learning now. I'm starting to be okay with moving on/nexting someone who doesn't want me.

 

The less emotionally invested I get early on, the easier it is for me to move on. I saw a cute co-worker who had a boyfriend on Facebook. Okay, next. Now I can just totally be myself around her. I wish it was all like that.

 

Yeah, even after she initiates, flirts, etc. it can all go down hill. From what I'm reading on other LS posts. She could just like the ego boost. Boy! I'm hoping to avoid that as much as possible. Listening (and not ignoring) to those clues/red flags.

 

I can across Nick Notas. He's writings are really good. It works with my mind, and helping me think healthy.

Practical Dating Advice and Tips for Men - Nick Notas

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My advice to the OP is to try and put the bad experiences behind you, easier said that done but I think unfortunately it does somehow radiate, I have the same issue you do.

 

The hardest part is being more assertive and initiating/escalating without bitterness and resentment

 

Yeah, I'm going to try. Stay positive; be more assertive. Not sure what the future holds, but. I just hope that things can change.

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The thing you said that gives me the most hope for you is that you realize you had taken a couple of experiences and gotten bitter about the whole thing. Certainly as long as you carried that attitude, you were going to repel women. Your age makes it harder, but as long as you confine your interests to your same age group, say 35-45, not impossible. And of course, by then, most women already have kids of their own and/or are divorced, so you're going to have to dispel any notion you have of finding one with as little experience in those areas as you.

 

I know that as you say it being "organic," in this case meaning someone was just outgoing enough to coax you out from your shell, is the easiest way. But it isn't the best way because someone that outgoing will likely get either bored or some resentment as if they're the only one trying or they're not getting enough interaction from you. I've actually been in that position myself. It was like, nice guy, but we would just hit the wall and that would be it.

 

I really think you should try to initiate with some either shyer women or women who simply aren't such lookers that they get invited very often. I mean, there are a lot of women out there in your age group who are just invisible to men. All you have to do is go up to one who isn't getting a lot of attention and doesn't have a ring on and introduce yourself. It's more organic meeting people through activities, so I agree with other posters who say this is key, because it gives you an automatic reason to talk about whatever the activity is. Good luck.

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The thing you said that gives me the most hope for you is that you realize you had taken a couple of experiences and gotten bitter about the whole thing. Certainly as long as you carried that attitude, you were going to repel women. Your age makes it harder, but as long as you confine your interests to your same age group, say 35-45, not impossible. And of course, by then, most women already have kids of their own and/or are divorced, so you're going to have to dispel any notion you have of finding one with as little experience in those areas as you.

 

I'd much prefer someone around my age. I would like to have children of my own with somebody, if possible.

 

I not too concerned if the lady has a kid, divorced, has more experienced. I'm more concerned in, do we click; is she a good person (to me); am I happy to be around her; is she happy; ...

 

I know that as you say it being "organic," in this case meaning someone was just outgoing enough to coax you out from your shell, is the easiest way. But it isn't the best way because someone that outgoing will likely get either bored or some resentment as if they're the only one trying or they're not getting enough interaction from you. I've actually been in that position myself. It was like, nice guy, but we would just hit the wall and that would be it.

 

Thanks. I didn't think about that. I have that in mind now, for future reference. Just because she's the aggressor, make sure I don't just sit back.

 

It was a positive experience. That's what I hope to find again. During that time, I never needed to go online, to look up this or that. I don't even remember when/how I got her cell number.

 

She reciprocated--I couldn't get her off the phone sometime at work. Initiated holding my hand. Initiated kissing. I learned about kino/escalating.

 

I'm reminded that that's how it should be, amidst my lack of and negative experiences.

 

Unfortunately, I just don't get the opening/interest from women to approach them.

 

Can't get a job if you don't have experience. Can't get experience if you can't get a job.

 

I really think you should try to initiate with some either shyer women or women who simply aren't such lookers that they get invited very often. I mean, there are a lot of women out there in your age group who are just invisible to men. All you have to do is go up to one who isn't getting a lot of attention and doesn't have a ring on and introduce yourself. It's more organic meeting people through activities, so I agree with other posters who say this is key, because it gives you an automatic reason to talk about whatever the activity is. Good luck.

 

Yep, I'm going to try going for, the aren't such lookers. Hopefully they'll like me back, haha.

 

I tried going for the ones I like, but unfortunately they don't like me back, so something's got to change.

 

I'm not sure about shyer women though. I just don't have the energy/confidence/assertiveness/experience to draw them out I guess. I'm more likely to interpret shyer women as not interested. I dunno. I need to stay open to different kinds of women though, which I think is a healthier perspective.

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I really think you should try to initiate with some either shyer women or women who simply aren't such lookers that they get invited very often. I mean, there are a lot of women out there in your age group who are just invisible to men. All you have to do is go up to one who isn't getting a lot of attention and doesn't have a ring on and introduce yourself. It's more organic meeting people through activities, so I agree with other posters who say this is key, because it gives you an automatic reason to talk about whatever the activity is. Good luck.

 

Terrible advice in my opinion. This is simply just settling for something you don't really want because they give you attention that the people you do want don't.

 

Absolutely nonsensical approach, pretty much saying "that will do". I think if you are at the stage where you are considering this then you need to decide if its simply not better to be alone than have something you don't find attractive and don't want.

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JuneJulySeptember

 

Yep, I'm going to try going for, the aren't such lookers. Hopefully they'll like me back, haha.

 

I tried going for the ones I like, but unfortunately they don't like me back, so something's got to change.

 

I'm not sure about shyer women though. I just don't have the energy/confidence/assertiveness/experience to draw them out I guess. I'm more likely to interpret shyer women as not interested. I dunno. I need to stay open to different kinds of women though, which I think is a healthier perspective.

 

Terrible advice in my opinion. This is simply just settling for something you don't really want because they give you attention that the people you do want don't.

 

Absolutely nonsensical approach, pretty much saying "that will do". I think if you are at the stage where you are considering this then you need to decide if its simply not better to be alone than have something you don't find attractive and don't want.

 

During my last stint in OLD, I messaged several women I thought were unattractive. Not only that, but women without education, older women, and with several kids. Those things might not necessarily matter to me if other things were there.

 

I got more responses than I would have from more attractive women, but no kind of progress whatsoever, and very few dates. As a matter of fact, the woman I had the most dates with was one of the most attractive women I messaged.

 

Women reject guys. That's how it is. 95% of the guys who are getting rejected are going for women who are pretty similar to them in looks and success. I'm sure of it. You can up the number of dates you get by messaging and hitting on less attractive women, but getting them to 'like you' will not be any easier.

 

But if you want to test the theory yourself, go about your life for the next 24 hours and pick the most unattractive women you see during that time. Ask her out and see how it goes. I'm pretty sure it will not go how you expect it will.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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Oh Chris I just want to give you a big hug. You seem so insecure. Keeping yourself open to all types is a great step to take and I really wish you the very best of luck.

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JuneJulySeptember

I guess its just a crapshoot?

 

More or less.

 

Just get out as often as you can and take shots whenever you see a chance.

 

There's a 22 year old girl in my office. Pretty young girl. When she breaks up with her boyfriend, she has 10 guys waiting to date her ... seriously date her.

 

Do you think that you have less social skills than her because you can't get a relationship? You have 18 more years experience dealing with people.

 

You're fine brotha. Just get out more often. Take more shots.

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Terrible advice in my opinion. This is simply just settling for something you don't really want because they give you attention that the people you do want don't.

 

Absolutely nonsensical approach, pretty much saying "that will do". I think if you are at the stage where you are considering this then you need to decide if its simply not better to be alone than have something you don't find attractive and don't want.

 

 

You fail to see that just because someone isn't drop dead gorgeous, doesn't mean they're a hideous beast either. If that was the case the world would be filled with a handful of models, and disgusting obese women. Not the case.

 

When guys first look into dating, typically they shoot for the stars. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone wants to date the smoke show with the full package. But even the guys who get those girls, don't get them all the time at the snap of their finger.

 

The OP can look at and approach women who wouldn't typically be his first choice to go after, but are less intimidating and more approachable as he tries to start dating. He's admitted he's never had success with women. To advise him to keep going after the highest class woman and absolute dream girls he's always wanted is like telling a little leaguer he can be a major league all star tomorrow.

 

There's a handful of 9's and 10's in the world... Physically at least. There are millions of 6.5's- 8.9's (scale of 10 here) who are just as incredible prospects if not more so. So no... That advise was not terrible. Lowering your standards doesn't mean settling for the desperate ugly lonely easy women. There's a big gap you continue to not see.

 

Not to mention, that if the Op does get a few dates this way... He will be able to learn how to interact with different women and find out what works for him and garners positive results as well as negative. That's how people get good at dating. You think I've told new jokes or taken every girl I've ever been out with to a different restaurant? That would be crazy. Find what you're good at and use it until you can build on it.

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During my last stint in OLD, I messaged several women I thought were unattractive. Not only that, but women without education, older women, and with several kids. Those things might not necessarily matter to me if other things were there.

 

I got more responses than I would have from more attractive women, but no kind of progress whatsoever, and very few dates. As a matter of fact, the woman I had the most dates with was one of the most attractive women I messaged.

 

Women reject guys. That's how it is. 95% of the guys who are getting rejected are going for women who are pretty similar to them in looks and success. I'm sure of it. You can up the number of dates you get by messaging and hitting on less attractive women, but getting them to 'like you' will not be any easier.

 

But if you want to test the theory yourself, go about your life for the next 24 hours and pick the most unattractive women you see during that time. Ask her out and see how it goes. I'm pretty sure it will not go how you expect it will.

 

I actually did this and its laughably easy to get unattractive, un athletic larger ladies to like me. Its much easier to get them to like me.

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You fail to see that just because someone isn't drop dead gorgeous, doesn't mean they're a hideous beast either. If that was the case the world would be filled with a handful of models, and disgusting obese women. Not the case.

 

When guys first look into dating, typically they shoot for the stars. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone wants to date the smoke show with the full package. But even the guys who get those girls, don't get them all the time at the snap of their finger.

 

The OP can look at and approach women who wouldn't typically be his first choice to go after, but are less intimidating and more approachable as he tries to start dating. He's admitted he's never had success with women. To advise him to keep going after the highest class woman and absolute dream girls he's always wanted is like telling a little leaguer he can be a major league all star tomorrow.

 

There's a handful of 9's and 10's in the world... Physically at least. There are millions of 6.5's- 8.9's (scale of 10 here) who are just as incredible prospects if not more so. So no... That advise was not terrible. Lowering your standards doesn't mean settling for the desperate ugly lonely easy women. There's a big gap you continue to not see.

 

Not to mention, that if the Op does get a few dates this way... He will be able to learn how to interact with different women and find out what works for him and garners positive results as well as negative. That's how people get good at dating. You think I've told new jokes or taken every girl I've ever been out with to a different restaurant? That would be crazy. Find what you're good at and use it until you can build on it.

 

My point to the OP still remains, have realistic expectations but he shouldn't go for people he doesn't find attractive simply to get dates. That's nonsensical is the bold part, everyone is different, what works with one wont always work with the other. As is simply drawing up a speech to use at every date in the hope that speech may work with someone ignores the fact each person is different.

 

Lowering your standard usually implies going for something you don't want. That's the bottom line, why chase after something you don't want in the hope you may find you do want it? Here I am not talking about looks but the overall person.

 

Its pointless for example deciding you don't like clubbing and then trying to date someone who clubs every weekend, that's illogical.

 

The OP should decide what personality traits he covets and what physical look would be acceptable, again its pointless dating someone you don't find attractive simply to try and gain meaningless experience due to no two people being the same.

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My point to the OP still remains, have realistic expectations but he shouldn't go for people he doesn't find attractive simply to get dates. That's nonsensical is the bold part, everyone is different, what works with one wont always work with the other. As is simply drawing up a speech to use at every date in the hope that speech may work with someone ignores the fact each person is different.

 

Lowering your standard usually implies going for something you don't want. That's the bottom line, why chase after something you don't want in the hope you may find you do want it? Here I am not talking about looks but the overall person.

 

Its pointless for example deciding you don't like clubbing and then trying to date someone who clubs every weekend, that's illogical.

 

The OP should decide what personality traits he covets and what physical look would be acceptable, again its pointless dating someone you don't find attractive simply to try and gain meaningless experience due to no two people being the same.

 

 

Everyone is different huh? Do you have a favorite comedian or band? Do they play different songs and tell different jokes at every single event they perform at? If everyone is different then why are flowers and chocolates 3 times the price on Valentine's Day? Every girl can't like flowers right? Guess what... Most freaking girls like getting flowers. There are things you can absolutely reuse and bring with you that have worked in the past with others.

 

Point made.

 

 

The Op and any person for that matter, can't chase anything until there is something for them to go after. And if you meet a stranger, whether it's in person, or through OLD... The first thing that is considered is looks. A first date is 90% set up based on some sort of mutual attraction. Relationships are built on what's discussed and experienced during that date and the future ones. You somehow live with the thought that you know everything about a person at first glance and can determine the likelihood of a happy or unhappy future with them within a matter of seconds. The rest of the population usually sits through dinner first before deciding.

 

And enough with the clubbing example. Despite your individual attitude and experience, clubs and bars aren't the only places where people can go out.

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Everyone is different huh? Do you have a favorite comedian or band? Do they play different songs and tell different jokes at every single event they perform at? If everyone is different then why are flowers and chocolates 3 times the price on Valentine's Day? Every girl can't like flowers right? Guess what... Most freaking girls like getting flowers. There are things you can absolutely reuse and bring with you that have worked in the past with others.

 

Point made.

 

 

The Op and any person for that matter, can't chase anything until there is something for them to go after. And if you meet a stranger, whether it's in person, or through OLD... The first thing that is considered is looks. A first date is 90% set up based on some sort of mutual attraction. Relationships are built on what's discussed and experienced during that date and the future ones. You somehow live with the thought that you know everything about a person at first glance and can determine the likelihood of a happy or unhappy future with them within a matter of seconds. The rest of the population usually sits through dinner first before deciding.

 

And enough with the clubbing example. Despite your individual attitude and experience, clubs and bars aren't the only places where people can go out.

 

My point was more than no two personalities are the same. Some prose would work on one person but not on 30 others, that's the point I am trying to me. Its pointless using the same joke, same lines on every date in the hope it may work.

 

You missed my point about clubbing.

 

Your looks comment nicely supports my assertion its pointless to lower your standards when it comes to looks, what isn't attractive now, wont become anymore attractive in 30 minutes or 30 days.

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