Feel completely doomed

[Radarsat]

Hi everyone. I don't mean to offend anyone on here who is actually older than me. But at 37 (turning 38 this year), I feel so doomed to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I know it's still early for me to even be dating (separated in Aug. for those who don't know me), but I feel like there is a ticking time bomb or an expiration date labelled on me. I know I'm not making sense. But I feel this urgency to find another partner. I do not want to be alone, yet I know I haven't fully grieved the loss of my marriage. I feel so lost and although I have tonnes of help and resources from people, even on this forum, I still feel very lost and scared. If it weren't for my two kids, I can tell you with certainty that I'd be dead by now. I wish I could know that they'd be fine without me, but I've gone down that road before and I know they need me. Sounds selfish, and it is, but I feel trapped in this world. I just want someone to love me and let me love them, and I just don't see it happening anytime soon. Yet I'm friggin old. I feel awful saying it (because i know many get it every day and suffer) but I wish the doctors would tell me I had a week to live. It would be a lot easier. So selfish I know.

[brothers343]

First I want to start by saying that everyone is meant to find love,even you. You said that you just got separated and your still feeling the affects. Even if you were to find someone right now you wouldn't be able to give him your all. You need time and in time someone else will come. Plus you have kids and your first priority should be them. Maybe your strenth is being tested and you wouldn't want to fail this test. You have a long life to go, you need to see your kids grow up and I'm sure when that time comes you will have someone you love by your side. Good luck

[No_Go]

Hey, you're not old at all. 37 is a great age for a man. I'm personally very age-scared, but this is because I'm a woman, and have no kids yet, and it's the best kept 'secret' that after 30 reproduction gets harder.

But! You do have 2 great kids, you're in the best age to build a great career, you are single but experienced enough with relationships. You are in a position that nothing stops you from dating a woman in a huge age range (anything 22-52 would be ok at your age).

Also consider the extra time that you have now as a blessing - you have no rush, you can experiment with dating until you find a great match, you can also focus on your other interests - travel, learn something new, spend quality time with your kids. Cheer up, the bad is behind you, you are just starting a new brighter page of your life

[soph-walker]

I understand how this feels.

 

I may not have been married with kids, but the feeling of impending doom is all too familiar

 

What you describe in wanting to be with anther person right away is completely and utterly normal, so remind yourself of this daily or when you're feeling particularly low.

 

When a relationship ends, especially if it was longterm, it can leave you feeling lost, alone and needy. All natural feelings also.

 

You will meet someone, but I would focus on yourself and being kind to yourself first of all.

 

You are the one person that you'll be with til the end so you may as well make sure you're comfortable being by yourself! I mean that with positive vibes and good energy! If you were to meet someone who was right for you right at this moment, you may be too tied up in dealing with the fallout from your breakup.

 

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about feeling low.

 

Wishing you well!

[BlueIris]

… I feel this urgency to find another partner. I do not want to be alone, yet I know I haven't fully grieved the loss of my marriage. I feel so lost and although I have tonnes of help and resources from people, even on this forum, I still feel very lost and scared. If it weren't for my two kids, I can tell you with certainty that I'd be dead by now. ….

 

I don’t know if it’s true for you, but a lot of people feel desperate, internal pressure, to have a partner to feel ok in the world, to avoid their own existential crises.

 

You WILL be ok even if you never find a partner. The world is loaded with so many things to fascinate, engage, stimulate and challenge you, and anyone. The more you fixate on lack and on relationship as the ONLY way to feel good and happy, the more you’ll miss the many other possibilities.

[HillValley]

1st Recognize that you are loved and have someone to love. Your kids.

 

2nd. Be proud of yourself for knowing you still need time to grieve your marriage.

 

3rd Love at 20,30,37, or 55 is about quality. Love with another person can be good at any age. You aren't a carton of milk.

 

What would you tell your kids, just find anyone to pour your heart into whether they deserve it or not? Or take some time to be honest about what they want and go after it?

 

Just take some small steps. Dating takes a lot of strength and you have other priorities. Try to be optimistic, at 37/38, realize you also have the opportunity to meet men you may not have thought of dating earlier in life cause you are smarter and maybe a better judge of character in others and yourself.

[Radarsat]

WILL be ok even if you never find a partner. The world is loaded with so many things to fascinate, engage, stimulate and challenge you, and anyone. The more you fixate on lack and on relationship as the ONLY way to feel good and happy, the more you’ll miss the many other possibilities.

 

I'm not exactly sure this is true...or maybe it just doesn't apply to myself. It's been a few days and I'm getting worse guys. And it's not just over my last breakup. I'm kind of over her...stings a bit, but I just more feel bad for her actually. Wasting her time on me. Why someone would want to be with myself is a total mystery when I look at myself in the mirror. But I don't want to change either. I'm just so darn tired. I really wish I had it in myself to kill myself. Yes, I know my kids would be hurt from it. But they are resilient.....kids are SO resilient. That's what everyone keeps telling me regarding them with the marriage breakdown. "Oh they'll be find. Kids are resilient". Then guess what? They don't need me around then. I'm out of energy. And I just am too weak of a man to pick myself up and make myself mentally strong. I just can't do it folks. Thanks for everyones attempts at helping me. I do appreciate all of your efforts.

[Satu]

Nobody can love you more than you love yourself.

Learn to love yourself.

 

Heal yourself.

 

 

Take care.

Edited January 21, 2016 by Satu

[Jejangles]

I'm not exactly sure this is true...or maybe it just doesn't apply to myself. It's been a few days and I'm getting worse guys. And it's not just over my last breakup. I'm kind of over her...stings a bit, but I just more feel bad for her actually. Wasting her time on me. Why someone would want to be with myself is a total mystery when I look at myself in the mirror. But I don't want to change either. I'm just so darn tired. I really wish I had it in myself to kill myself. Yes, I know my kids would be hurt from it. But they are resilient.....kids are SO resilient. That's what everyone keeps telling me regarding them with the marriage breakdown. "Oh they'll be find. Kids are resilient". Then guess what? They don't need me around then. I'm out of energy. And I just am too weak of a man to pick myself up and make myself mentally strong. I just can't do it folks. Thanks for everyones attempts at helping me. I do appreciate all of your efforts.

 

You sound like you are in a really dark space. Please get some help - contact your doctor and consider calling a helpline. Right now a relationship is the last thing you need to worry about - you need to pull yourself out of the darkness and get well. Your kids do need you! Kids are resilient, but loss of a parent is one of the worst things that can happen to them.

 

I know it feels hopeless now, but it is not hopeless. Take it one day at a time and get some help. Suicide Help: Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings

[TheArtist]

I'm not exactly sure this is true...or maybe it just doesn't apply to myself. It's been a few days and I'm getting worse guys. And it's not just over my last breakup. I'm kind of over her...stings a bit, but I just more feel bad for her actually. Wasting her time on me. Why someone would want to be with myself is a total mystery when I look at myself in the mirror. But I don't want to change either. I'm just so darn tired. I really wish I had it in myself to kill myself. Yes, I know my kids would be hurt from it. But they are resilient.....kids are SO resilient. That's what everyone keeps telling me regarding them with the marriage breakdown. "Oh they'll be find. Kids are resilient". Then guess what? They don't need me around then. I'm out of energy. And I just am too weak of a man to pick myself up and make myself mentally strong. I just can't do it folks. Thanks for everyones attempts at helping me. I do appreciate all of your efforts.

 

OK, the fact that you've posted on a forum about this is a first step, albeit a small one. You need to see a doctor and get some help out of the darkness. I've been there a few times myself and it really does feel like nothing can pull you out of it, but believe me, people can help you.

 

Loss of a parent will be devastating for a child, no matter what age or how resilient you think they might be, it will affect them deeply. See a doctor at the first opportunity and tell him/her exactly what you told us, there is no shame in admitting this stuff. There is a way out, I promise, but you have to push yourself to take that step. Do it for the kids.

[TheTraveler]

Hi everyone. I don't mean to offend anyone on here who is actually older than me. But at 37 (turning 38 this year), I feel so doomed to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I know it's still early for me to even be dating (separated in Aug. for those who don't know me), but I feel like there is a ticking time bomb or an expiration date labelled on me. I know I'm not making sense. But I feel this urgency to find another partner. I do not want to be alone, yet I know I haven't fully grieved the loss of my marriage. I feel so lost and although I have tonnes of help and resources from people, even on this forum, I still feel very lost and scared. If it weren't for my two kids, I can tell you with certainty that I'd be dead by now. I wish I could know that they'd be fine without me, but I've gone down that road before and I know they need me. Sounds selfish, and it is, but I feel trapped in this world. I just want someone to love me and let me love them, and I just don't see it happening anytime soon. Yet I'm friggin old. I feel awful saying it (because i know many get it every day and suffer) but I wish the doctors would tell me I had a week to live. It would be a lot easier. So selfish I know.

 

You met a woman recently, dating for a month+, and you completely blew it up and didn't follow advice here. Work on yourself.

[Gaeta]

Hon, it's a bad phase and it will pass. Bad phases always pass. It's life. Everyone going through a divorce is going through some deep dark sh$t, not just you. You are not alone. All these feelings you are experiencing, the impression you'll spend the rest of your life alone, the need to be loved right now at this very moment, that is all about grieving.

 

I have been there twice and survived. A lot of people on here have been there and survived. Life is a series of Hellos and good byes.

 

I wish I was 37 ! I lost everything twice. Last time I was 39 when I separated and lost again everything, went from a nice house to an apartment. I spent my 40th birthday crying in my office. There I was at 40 having to start over again. Guess what? Between 40 and 50 ended up being the happiest days of my life.

 

Please go see your doctor.

[Satu]

Here is something I wrote for myself when I was at my lowest. Some of it might be helpful for you.

 

 

1. Recognise that you are in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce over time.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling. That never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female, 2 litres for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically or mentally unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

9. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

10. Post here as often as you want to. There is always someone here.

 

 

Take care.

[Buddhist]

But at 37 (turning 38 this year), I feel so doomed to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I know it's still early for me to even be dating (separated in Aug. for those who don't know me), but I feel like there is a ticking time bomb or an expiration date labelled on me.

 

Yet I'm friggin old. I feel awful saying it (because i know many get it every day and suffer) but I wish the doctors would tell me I had a week to live. It would be a lot easier. So selfish I know.

 

This is youth culture programming you're suffering with here. It's very much prevalent in society today that life beyond 40 is filled only with pension funds, funeral plans and a steady consumption of medical services. It's all false advertising, let me tell you.

 

If you look after yourself life after 40 can be filled with energy, vitality and yes even dating much younger people than yourself if that's what you want to feel like life hasn't passed you by. All very possible. I don't know what your physical self is like right now health-wise but no matter what, there is plenty you can do to turn back the clock that doesn't cost much.

 

Not getting 'old' is 90% mental. People only get there when their thoughts become calcified, stuck and they start obsessing about how old they are. The main difference between old and young is how hopeful you feel about life. Old people have no hope, the young are stupidly optimistic mostly because they know they have time to fix anything. Recapture that feeling and attitude.

 

Society wants us to pack it in and prepare for death from mid-life, it's just a very strong programming out there and it's subtle. No-one really notices it until they're in the middle of it and feel hopeless about their predicament. This is what the mid life crisis is truly all about. Grab it by the horns and wrestle that bitch to the ground. You don't have a foot in the grave yet.

 

If it helps my 'last ever chance at relationship' self combusted when I turned 40. That was it, no hope in life, never date again etc.....4yrs later and I look better than I did then and my new partner blows the old one out of the water. It's not easy to maintain positivity about aging and all those things I failed to achieve by this stage. But I take small steps every single day. It does work.

[Satu]

snip:

 

This is youth culture programming you're suffering with here. It's very much prevalent in society today that life beyond 40 is filled only with pension funds, funeral plans and a steady consumption of medical services. It's all false advertising, let me tell you.

 

 

As Terence McKenna said:

 

"This culture is not your friend."

[preraph]

You need to maybe do some work on your self-worth so you don't feel worthless when you don't have a mate. Those kids should be enough to make you feel proud and give you a place in the world. So I'm a bit worried about you.

[Radarsat]

You need to maybe do some work on your self-worth so you don't feel worthless when you don't have a mate. Those kids should be enough to make you feel proud and give you a place in the world. So I'm a bit worried about you.

 

i'm a bit worried myself to be honest. I have my kids for three days (wed-Sat at noon)....so I'm okay right now because I couldn't do anything to myself with them around. But it's all I can think of right now. I'm not interested in "baby steps" in helping myself. I'm done. I'm not going to the doctors for them to just put me in a hospital. Been there done that. All I can think of is how I can possibly die. I really am not interested in seeing any more of this life. I'm a lazy fat bastard. I don't even care about my families future. How horrible is that huh? This is why I need to pass from this Earth. I don't deserve it. For anyone spiritual out there (I'm not anymore) could someone please pray that God takes me....in case I'm wrong about the no God thing. Fed up, ready to go now. Kids as everyone has said, are resilient. They'll get through this, that I know now. I just need to find a painless way to do this. Anyone have thoughts on this please PM me.

[Satu]

i'm a bit worried myself to be honest. I have my kids for three days (wed-Sat at noon)....so I'm okay right now because I couldn't do anything to myself with them around. But it's all I can think of right now. I'm not interested in "baby steps" in helping myself. I'm done. I'm not going to the doctors for them to just put me in a hospital. Been there done that. All I can think of is how I can possibly die. I really am not interested in seeing any more of this life. I'm a lazy fat bastard. I don't even care about my families future. How horrible is that huh? This is why I need to pass from this Earth. I don't deserve it. For anyone spiritual out there (I'm not anymore) could someone please pray that God takes me....in case I'm wrong about the no God thing. Fed up, ready to go now. *Kids as everyone has said, are resilient. They'll get through this, that I know now. I just need to find a painless way to do this. Anyone have thoughts on this please PM me.

 

*Kids are not resilient.

 

Kids are vulnerable; more vulnerable than any adult.

 

That is why we have the responsibility of protecting and nurturing them.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Satu

[No_Go]

Radarsat,

 

Kids are not resilient You'd cause them a trauma for life if you do something to yourself, even if they remember you as the most horrible father, and i'm sure you are the opposite of that.

 

You need to toughen up. Ask the people around you - you'll see nearly everybody has been through a bad episode. Some of them much worse than yours.

 

You can just begin a new life, think of it as a great opportunity to discover yourself because you're still young, free, with many things behind your back to make you wiser. Trust me I'm not a person who's sugar coating things, I really think you have a lot of happy life to experience ahead of you. Please write here or talk to someone if you feel doomed, it does help.

 

i'm a bit worried myself to be honest. I have my kids for three days (wed-Sat at noon)....so I'm okay right now because I couldn't do anything to myself with them around. But it's all I can think of right now. I'm not interested in "baby steps" in helping myself. I'm done. I'm not going to the doctors for them to just put me in a hospital. Been there done that. All I can think of is how I can possibly die. I really am not interested in seeing any more of this life. I'm a lazy fat bastard. I don't even care about my families future. How horrible is that huh? This is why I need to pass from this Earth. I don't deserve it. For anyone spiritual out there (I'm not anymore) could someone please pray that God takes me....in case I'm wrong about the no God thing. Fed up, ready to go now. Kids as everyone has said, are resilient. They'll get through this, that I know now. I just need to find a painless way to do this. Anyone have thoughts on this please PM me.

[thecrucible]

I think people have a right to feel horrible about a certain situation even if it doesn't seem logical to do so when compared with traumatic events experienced by other people. In short, everyone is fighting their own battle. I know what it feels like to feel doomed even though it is illogical because that is what depression is. I wish I could add some more perspective on this but I feel scared about the future too, where things are going or whether I am where I am meant to be. I think Buddhist's comment is quite apt:

 

This is youth culture programming you're suffering with here. It's very much prevalent in society today that life beyond 40 is filled only with pension funds, funeral plans and a steady consumption of medical services. It's all false advertising, let me tell you.

[thecrucible]

You need to toughen up. Ask the people around you - you'll see nearly everybody has been through a bad episode. Some of them much worse than yours.

 

I think if the OP is having thoughts of death, this is a big sign of an actual depressive episode, clinically speaking. When I had depression, it didn't matter hearing other experiences about people worse off than me or how they dealt with it, I just couldn't deal with life at all. It didn't matter what people said. And when I had Depression, I thought about death a lot - :/. I still feel down from time to time but I learned to make the most of things, being kinder to myself. Anyway OP, even if I'm talking nonsense and you're not depressed, I think it'd be valuable to find someone neutral like a counselor to talk things through and it might help you out a little.

 

Also it's hard to tell the OP's situation but if he genuinely is depressed, hearing "you need to toughen up" is not the best thing to say to a depressed person. I do know what you mean though.

[TheArtist]

It should be pretty clear now that a good portion of us commenting on here have suffered with depression at some point so we really do get where you're coming from. It's a hole you feel like you can't get out of but you really can with a little help. Believe me, some of us have been really deep in that hole, but we've beaten it. We've forced our way up through the dirt to the sun again, and you can do that too.

 

And you really are only as old as your mind. Sure, you might creak a little more when you move, but I still feel 26, even though I'm definitely not.

[Zippy2000]

Im sorry to hear you feel doom its on its way. Think about it this way. Im 41 now. I ve NEVER had a long term relationship and I ve never lived with anyone.

 

I ve always had short term relationships that I ve been strung along, things didnt work out or the girl cheated on me or left.

 

In your situation youve been married. So you could say you have "been there an done that".

 

I believe its time for you to be single and find out who you are. You do remind me of some of my femail friends who CANNOT be alone and have to be in a relationship. I find out as soon as they come out a relationship. Theyve jumped straight into another one.

 

Take time for yourself. Get yourself out therem, find a passion or travel.

[Toodaloo]

Radar.

 

I can tell you now that the loss of a parent is horrific. No matter how or when it happens. I have a cousin who committed suicide. His son did exactly the same a few years later because the loss of his father affected him so badly... Is that really what you want for your children?

 

Right now you need to see a doctor. Denying that is just beyond selfish. You brought those children into the world you now have the responsibility to keep yourself as healthy as possible and stick around for as long as possible for them!

 

Second. I was out on the town a couple of weeks ago with a friend and one of the comments we made to each other was "He will be hot when he is 40!"...! Yep the guys were all too YOUNG and we wanted more mature and find more mature sexy! The guy I am dating at the moment is 41 on Sunday and he could be quite the catch! You are young and in your prime! You just need to get healthy again.

 

You have years to go. Hell my Dad still gets hit on by women. Mum finds it hilarious!

 

Once you are better and have sorted out your mental health you will be in a much better state to date and you will be attractive to women. Heck you have already pulled once so you can do it again!

 

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You are trying to run before you can walk.

 

Steps

1. Go to doctor - get proper medication for what is clearly a medical condition.

2. Get physical and active. Join a gym/ football club/ tennis club what ever floats your boat and gets you into the fresh air and active

3. Watch what you eat. Have a healthy diet with a good mix of vegetables etc try not to eat too much rubbish as it will lower your mood.

4. Develop a bedtime/ sleep routine so you are relaxed and feeling happy before you go to bed.

5. Hug your children and spend as much time as possible with them.

6. Concentrate at work. Note the areas you have been lax on and work at getting that sorted out.

 

There are plenty more but those are the basics for now.

[No_Go]

You're actually right. I've never been clinically depressed but I'm aware of what you're talking about.

 

OP needs to talk to a specialist but maybe it helps to vent here... Hope he's better after spending time with the kids...

 

I think if the OP is having thoughts of death, this is a big sign of an actual depressive episode, clinically speaking. When I had depression, it didn't matter hearing other experiences about people worse off than me or how they dealt with it, I just couldn't deal with life at all. It didn't matter what people said. And when I had Depression, I thought about death a lot - :/. I still feel down from time to time but I learned to make the most of things, being kinder to myself. Anyway OP, even if I'm talking nonsense and you're not depressed, I think it'd be valuable to find someone neutral like a counselor to talk things through and it might help you out a little.

 

Also it's hard to tell the OP's situation but if he genuinely is depressed, hearing "you need to toughen up" is not the best thing to say to a depressed person. I do know what you mean though.