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Keep texts short to avoid the friend zone


LookAtThisPOst

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LookAtThisPOst

Friend of mine gave me some good advice. He said NEVER do any kind of conversational texting when dating a woman in the beginning at least. Keep the texts to making dates and nothing more.

 

I had a woman that tried to do this with me SHE would initiate the text every time...

 

The first time...I responded, "So, are you free this weekend for dinner?"

 

She answered, "Lord knows! I'm pretty busy with organizing my place."

 

Me: "I said, "Okay, let me know when you're free after that."

 

Then, next day she texts me, "Good evening..."

 

I ignored it.

 

He said to basically put the ball in HER court, and cut contact altogether. If she still initiates "watcha doin'" chats....just move on.

 

What's sad is...we had already been on one date, from online...really a "meet n greet".

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Hmm, that might be what this guy I'm supposed to meet today is doing. He's not very chatty so I just thought he was bad at communication. It will be interesting to meet him today and see if he is as cold and unsocial as he appears to be communicating over the dating site.

 

To be honest, I would wonder if that method wouldn't turn women off or make them think you are an introvert. IDK, I would think that if someone kept initiating what'cha doing texts, you should probably ask if you could call them and move beyond texting if you are really interested in them. :confused:

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Sorry but I don't agree with that thought. I guess you can *try* it as a strategy. But truth be told, if a girl likes you, she just does. It doesn't matter if you text each other often as long as it's not at a smothering level.

 

I am talking to someone in text and I haven't met him yet. But he does talk more than me because I am busy with something for the next month and a half. And it does not make me think of him as a friend only

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LookAtThisPOst
Sorry but I don't agree with that thought. I guess you can *try* it as a strategy. But truth be told, if a girl likes you, she just does. It doesn't matter if you text each other often as long as it's not at a smothering level.

 

I am talking to someone in text and I haven't met him yet. But he does talk more than me because I am busy with something for the next month and a half. And it does not make me think of him as a friend only

 

It ruins the mystery of it all. The time you spent chatting an hour via text was something that could be saved for the face-to-face date.

 

I mean if a man offers to get together, but gets blown off, but she STILL wants to text...why would you want to waste your time with this person?

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Heh, anything one does or doesn't do can impel *dislike* if there was like there in the first place. If no like, platonic is all that's there anyway so it won't matter. IMO, healthier to do what one does and leave the like and platonic stuff to work itself out. There may be some magic formula but I haven't seen it in my lifetime, for the average guy anyway.

 

I wouldn't text much between dates because I'm not a texter. Some women might dislike that. Cool.

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Huge, huge turn off when girls can't hold a conversation and are transactional like that.

 

I never as for a date or text those kinds back.

 

I view it as an indication of how they will act in person... and who wants to go spend time with someone who talks in one word responses?

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It ruins the mystery of it all. The time you spent chatting an hour via text was something that could be saved for the face-to-face date.

 

I mean if a man offers to get together, but gets blown off, but she STILL wants to text...why would you want to waste your time with this person?

 

Everyone has a different perspective. You sound in a hurry to meet someone without wasting your time. So whatever you feel works for you. And if she blows you off, then I agree it is a waste of time. I wouldn't contact them anymore either

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What's sad is...we had already been on one date, from online...really a "meet n greet".

 

What is sad is that if you had replied to her text you would have been on a second date, instead you played a game and it didn't work.

 

They call that shooting yourself in the foot...

 

I do agree that keeping texts short is good.. but you need to reply to a text that a person sends or you send the message you are not interested.. fine line at times being aloof and self destructive

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The problem is that your friend is taking something which is a generality (that you want to keep texting conversation to a minimum until meeting in person if possible) and making a hard and fast rule out of it.

 

I agree at a big-picture level that texting is for logistics and a light banter. No real getting to know you stuff. But you don't blow someone off. That's rude.

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Keep texts short, focus on making dates--good advice.

 

Ignore texts---bad move.

 

You can be light and friendly AND focus on making dates. For example, you could respond to the "good evening" text, ask about her day, and respond to that with "just the thing she needs" (insert proposed date). Do that each time, and she either accept a date or she'll stop texting.

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Keep texts short, focus on making dates--good advice.

 

Ignore texts---bad move.

 

You can be light and friendly AND focus on making dates. For example, you could respond to the "good evening" text, ask about her day, and respond to that with "just the thing she needs" (insert proposed date). Do that each time, and she either accept a date or she'll stop texting.

 

I totally agree. It's one thing to keep text exchanges short, but flat-out ignoring them is a bad move, especially at the beginning. If I find that I'm having to initiate every text, or if a guy completely ignores one of mine, I will assume at the beginning that he's just not that interested and I'll stop reaching out.

 

Unless it's with my gay BFF, I don't have long conversational texting sessions with anyone. That doesn't mean that every text I send has to be transactional. Texting is a venue for witty banter; it can be very fun sometimes, especially with someone you're getting to know in a romantic capacity. There's a way to keep things lively, interesting and short without devolving into a banal, three-hour long back and forth.

 

Yes, I suppose your method keeps you out of the friend zone, but it sounds like it's also keeping you out of the boyfriend zone as well.

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"Free this weekend for dinner" should have been ''Saturday, O'Connell's, 8 pm''. You left her wide open to turn you down by being vague. Mistake number one.

 

The you asked her to let you know when she's free, and she texts you. You IGNORED it? That was your cue to set a date.

 

Seriously, if she's already met you and wasn't interested, she wouldn't have sent that text. You blew it.

 

How's your friend doing in the dating world?

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Well, I do agree w the advice of keeping text conversations short and getting to the point, but I'm thinking that also you might want to either be more playful OR as MidwestUSA pointed out more specific. A little conversation/flirting and then smoothly transition into making plans.

 

In general OP, I think you'd do better thinking less about the *what* of specific dating advice/what your friend does, and more about the *how*--which is where the magic lies. This goes for threads you've written about approaching women, teasing women (vs calling them out), and in this case texting women.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Well, I do agree w the advice of keeping text conversations short and getting to the point, but I'm thinking that you might want to either be more playful OR as MidwestUSA pointed out more specific. A little conversation/flirting and then smoothly transition into making plans.

 

In general OP, I think you'd do better thinking less about the *what* of specific dating advice/what your friend does, and more about the *how*--which is where the magic lies. This goes for threads you've written about approaching women, teasing women (vs calling them out), and in this case texting women.

 

Right. OP, admittedly, I haven't read a lot of your threads, but this one kind of makes it seem like you're focusing too much on behaviors that are "results driven," as if getting a date or a girlfriend depends on you performing a correct series of actions.

 

I think if you're interested in someone, and interested in seeing them again, it behooves you to be upfront and playful. Not enigmatic or vague, or only rigidly responding to a certain kind of text. I dunno, getting a romance to blossom isn't like a video game—it's not pressing the A and B buttons at the same time, ya know?

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normal person

I'm very much in the "don't text her unless it's practical" camp. There are caveats, and I think you encountered one here. If she actually wants to talk to you about something else, then it's fine to engage her. Or if there were some significant event going on in her life, it might be nice to check in/inquire/show support, etc.

 

Other than that, I agree, refrain from trying to start text conversations that don't serve any pragmatic purpose. Personally, I don't like getting meaningless texts all day and having to come up with responses (granted, I'm a guy). Just assume she doesn't want to do this either unless she tells you otherwise, or texts you.

 

She's got her own stuff going on and you've got yours, you can talk about it when you're together.

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Friend of mine gave me some good advice. He said NEVER do any kind of conversational texting when dating a woman in the beginning at least. Keep the texts to making dates and nothing more.

 

I had a woman that tried to do this with me SHE would initiate the text every time...

 

The first time...I responded, "So, are you free this weekend for dinner?"

 

She answered, "Lord knows! I'm pretty busy with organizing my place."

 

Me: "I said, "Okay, let me know when you're free after that."

 

Then, next day she texts me, "Good evening..."

 

I ignored it.

 

He said to basically put the ball in HER court, and cut contact altogether. If she still initiates "watcha doin'" chats....just move on.

 

What's sad is...we had already been on one date, from online...really a "meet n greet".

 

It's a technique. And it works. Not all the time, but it works.

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LookAtThisPOst
"Free this weekend for dinner" should have been ''Saturday, O'Connell's, 8 pm''. You left her wide open to turn you down by being vague. Mistake number one.

 

The you asked her to let you know when she's free, and she texts you. You IGNORED it? That was your cue to set a date.

 

Seriously, if she's already met you and wasn't interested, she wouldn't have sent that text. You blew it.

 

How's your friend doing in the dating world?

 

He's doing rather well actually. Actually, my interest level went down when it got to the point where she couldn't figure out when she'd be free. The last we spoke was when I asked her about her availability on the weekend, and she said she didn't know...as she was busy, "organizing her home" that weekend.

 

I then told her, "Well, let me know when you're available when you're done." And left it at that. When she texted with, "Good evening" the next day, instead of, "Hey, I'm free Saturday" or something...then that would be the answer I'm looking for.

 

that being said Im doing something different than the usual

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LookAtThisPOst
Huge, huge turn off when girls can't hold a conversation and are transactional like that.

 

I never as for a date or text those kinds back.

 

I view it as an indication of how they will act in person... and who wants to go spend time with someone who talks in one word responses?

 

Yeah, having to force a conversation from someone can be trying.

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He's doing rather well actually. Actually, my interest level went down when it got to the point where she couldn't figure out when she'd be free. The last we spoke was when I asked her about her availability on the weekend, and she said she didn't know...as she was busy, "organizing her home" that weekend.

 

I then told her, "Well, let me know when you're available when you're done." And left it at that. When she texted with, "Good evening" the next day, instead of, "Hey, I'm free Saturday" or something...then that would be the answer I'm looking for.

 

that being said Im doing something different than the usual

 

Well, if you go thru life looking for a very specific answer, you may be waiting a long time.

 

My point was that she texted AT ALL. She's met you. She would have deleted your number if she wasn't a bit interested. That was her line to open a chat. Take it or leave it. You had a nibble, and you didn't set the hook.

 

Hope your new strategy pays off!

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It ruins the mystery of it all. The time you spent chatting an hour via text was something that could be saved for the face-to-face date.

 

I mean if a man offers to get together, but gets blown off, but she STILL wants to text...why would you want to waste your time with this person[-/b]

 

IMOP..it depends on how YOU are presenting yourself. I've not read all the responses and am just replying on this one. The guy who has been texting me for two weeks now wants to meet because I went to lunch with another guy.

 

Games are games.........either get off your horse or move. Life is short.

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Justanaverageguy

There is some truth in what you say in terms of wanting to avoid becoming a girls pen pal. But I think if you set out to be deliberately abrupt and short you are going to come off like a bit of a dick .... so yeah will definitely avoid the friend zone :lmao:

 

Girls like friendly, confident guys who are happy to flirt with them. You can still have fun and text without being friend zoned. Too much texting = bad. Too little = bad. Try and find that happy medium somewhere in the middle ;)

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He's doing rather well actually. Actually, my interest level went down when it got to the point where she couldn't figure out when she'd be free. The last we spoke was when I asked her about her availability on the weekend, and she said she didn't know...as she was busy, "organizing her home" that weekend.

 

I then told her, "Well, let me know when you're available when you're done." And left it at that. When she texted with, "Good evening" the next day, instead of, "Hey, I'm free Saturday" or something...then that would be the answer I'm looking for.

 

that being said Im doing something different than the usual

 

I'm not quite sure why you asked her the let me know when you're available f you interest level had already gone down due to her being busy.

 

It's also really common for folk to say a 'hello' or in this case a 'good evening' just to see if you are able to respond so that a quick conversation can be had.

In this instance she could have been contacting you to say 'Which is best for you? Tuesday or Thursday?' so it could all be sorted there and then.

 

I am a woman and hate daily 'how are you stuff but if someone was getting back to me on something like I asked then I would reply.

 

Maybe her message as too short for you?

You may struggle if someone being busy is a deal breaker. We all lead busy lives these days.

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What is sad is that if you had replied to her text you would have been on a second date, instead you played a game and it didn't work.

 

They call that shooting yourself in the foot...

 

I do agree that keeping texts short is good.. but you need to reply to a text that a person sends or you send the message you are not interested.. fine line at times being aloof and self destructive

 

This!

 

OP's post made me put my head in my hand. He is losing sight of obvious common sense.

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I have to say first off, that I find the whole friend zone concept, the way it is used on LS, to be terribly flawed. People make it seem like it's a condition you get by doing or not doing certain things, when in reality, it's not. People who are 'friend zoned' are people you don't see in a romantic way and often times it is not anything they did or didn't do...you simply don't like them, just like you meet some people and like them and others and don't. So trying to avoid this is a waste of time IMO, as it's not something you can control anymore than you can control who you like and don't like.

 

For me, I connect with men through conversation. Every boyfriend or even man I slept with was someone I had good rapport with. If we met online we had great text conversations and phone conversations and that's what made me start liking them further, especially guys I'm not sure about, how well we converse can change things. However, this is natural. I get along with a man in conversation or don't. I do not believe any of them sat there employing particular strategies, we clicked or didn't based on how they are. Not talking to me won't help you. I will lose interest very quickly that way. So such a strategy won't work on women who actually need that kind of exchange and rapport. But in general...as I said, concocting elaborate strategies to avoid being seen as a friend is a waste of time, as a woman likes you or not and it's not about how much you text or any other thing. Sure, someone may develop feelings for you or lose them, but that's the way how things go and usually isn't because of a strategy the person employed or didn't. My head hurts when I read about people planning out dating like it's all about numbers, figures, not doing this or that, like that book "The Rules," when in truth, it can be distilled to some very basic things that are organic. The Rules can be distilled to: have self-worth and don't allow a man to treat you in any ol' way and have your own life and don't just exist at his beck and call. Strategies for not being friendzoned can be distilled down to: a man or woman likes you or not, this is not a reflection of you, it's simply a matter of them feeling you or not, therefore be yourself and if they are receptive it's because they like you and if not, they don't like you.

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