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Difficulty due to very Specific Preferences


searching1992

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searching1992

Hello, forum.

 

I'm just going to be blunt and admit I have specific, unusual preferences. If you disagree with my preferences, that's fine. That's why you have your preferences and I have mine. The problem is I can't meet girls who match my preferences.

 

First, I'm waiting until marriage to have sexual contact (nothing besides light kissing until marriage). I'm looking for a girl who has never gone beyond light kissing before. Second, I'm picky about physical appearance. No, I'm not shallow and of course I'm looking for a girl who I'm compatible with mentally, as well. But, I find I'm only attracted to girls who are considered conventionally gorgeous. I'm just being honest.

 

I'm working to make myself appealing to such a girl. I work out and am in graduate school with the goal of having a solid career. I've been told I'm attractive. It's not as though I sit around doing nothing all day and am hoping a gorgeous girl will fall for an out of shape guy doing nothing with his life.

 

The problem is I never meet girls who have never had sex, let alone has only lightly kissed. On top of that, I can't find many girls I'm physically attracted to. Does anyone have any advice about where to find the type of girl I'm looking for? Please don't try and change my preferences or insult them. I'm looking for serious advice.

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If your convictions are religious, esp within the framework of christianity, then even on OKC you can find a number of them that claim that standard (maybe 5%). And on Christian mingle there are more like you describe.

 

It has been my experience being married to (past tense) fundamentalist types, that a little more than half of them do not live to the standard they claim (celibacy). I shared your approach, pre-marriage (divorced) I was celibate. In my particular case I soon discovered that my wife was asexual, personality disordered, and abusive. It was not a rosey decade and a half.

 

Self control is something I must commend you for, yet I also say, be careful to try to match it to a partner than is as genuine as you are, it will be hard... Start with a large church, selection in numbers.

 

General advice, since your in grad school, eh, read a weekly magazine, get cultured, learn of unusual recipes, learn of new music, and foreign lands. These "be interesting" steps will benefit your goal, ditto on physical training, definitely keep that up.

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Probably church. Of course you're not shalllow. Good luck finding your gorgeous super model virgin who has never been kissed!

In all seriousness, maybe you'll find a girl like that in a deeply religious community. But you'll have to be really lucky

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I too recommend that you seek such a person in a religious community. Also learn to see inner beauty.

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LookAtThisPOst

I'm guessing, OP you may be young and yet to have experienced this terrible marriage...but I've spoken with seasoned Christians that feel they would rather live in sin than in sheer misery.

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OP, you are looking for a unicorn.

 

If you seriously won't lower your strict preferences, be prepared to live a lonely life.

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I was just going to say the unicorn thing, too.

 

OP, I don't know if you're religious, but I used to be, and I met a lot of guy in the church in my early 20s who were also looking for a woman who was not only model-gorgeous but virginal, or as a friend liked to say, "they're looking for the cross between Giselle Bundchen and Mother Teresa!" The thing is, a lot of those guys are pushing 40 and they're still not married, so, if I were to give you a bit of practical advice, I would say get comfortable with being single, 'cause it could be a while for you.

 

I have no idea where you'd find a woman like this outside the church, and those women who are strict enough to adhere to the no sex til marriage thing will also probably not date a non-believer, so for your sake, I hope you are religious. Good luck.

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LookAtThisPOst
OP, I don't know if you're religious, but I used to be, and I met a lot of guy in the church in my early 20s who were also looking for a woman who was not only model-gorgeous but virginal, or as a friend liked to say, "they're looking for the cross between Giselle Bundchen and Mother Teresa!" The thing is, a lot of those guys are pushing 40 and they're still not married, so, if I were to give you a bit of practical advice, I would say get comfortable with being single, 'cause it could be a while for you.

 

Funny you mentioned this. All pushing 40 and still not married? What do they look like themselves? I think these are the same men that get ticked off at the women who found men outside of their church and even found out that they met them at a less than religious venue. lol

 

I recall a woman in her mid-40s on Plenty of Fish, very beautiful and in shape. Had "Portfolio" quality photos for some reason. One of them her in a professional gym shot of her curling a dumb bell...it was in good taste.

 

Turns out her profession is, "Entertainment/Media" and from the looks of her photos, she could be a local TV news journalist.

 

She mentioned in her profile that she's been single all her life and hasn't dated in FIVE YEARS. She volunteers at the church's nursery and though are single men in her church, but none of whom she found that wanted to date. Imagine turning down men left and right for 5 years?! Never satisfied apparently.

 

So her friends talked her into online dating to further her options.

 

Some people aren't just good enough. It's a shame and a waste. Personally, I think a "virginal beauty" is an oxymoron.

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Funny you mentioned this. All pushing 40 and still not married? What do they look like themselves? I think these are the same men that get ticked off at the women who found men outside of their church and even found out that they met them at a less than religious venue. lol

 

None of them are all that good-looking, shockingly (/sarcasm).

 

I dunno, things can get complicated when you throw dating and religion and sex together. I think the scenario you described in your other post is quite common. Marriage is upheld in the church as this ultimate, "heaven on earth," a direct parallel of Christ's relationship with his believers. Since marriage is so venerated, and because sex outside marriage is so forbidden, I think a lot of Christians do get married very quickly so that they can have sex, only to later discover that their spouses have a host of personality disorders. And I think a lot of Christian guys want to believe that by holding off on sex, that they'll get to have like, perpetual, porn-quality sex forever once they do get married, so I can kind of understand why a lot of them are holding out for the human unicorn ideal of the virginal goddess.

 

But I digress. We don't even know if OP is religious or not, so this could all be moot.

 

However, I just watched a really fascinating documentary about premarital sex in the church (the "purity movement") a couple of days ago. You should check it out, I think you'd find it interesting:

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LookAtThisPOst
None of them are all that good-looking, shockingly (/sarcasm).

 

I dunno, things can get complicated when you throw dating and religion and sex together. I think the scenario you described in your other post is quite common. Marriage is upheld in the church as this ultimate, "heaven on earth," a direct parallel of Christ's relationship with his believers. Since marriage is so venerated, and because sex outside marriage is so forbidden, I think a lot of Christians do get married very quickly so that they can have sex, only to later discover that their spouses have a host of personality disorders. And I think a lot of Christian guys want to believe that by holding off on sex, that they'll get to have like, perpetual, porn-quality sex forever

 

Thing is, Mrs. Duggar, you know ,the family with a million kids and hand-me-down clothing...apparently is of this belief. Though she doesn't use the word "porn quality" do describe her sex life...she said a good wife should be..."joyfully available" 'for her husband should he want it.

 

 

Michelle Duggar's Sex Advice for Newlywed Women: Be Available : People.com

 

But I digress. We don't even know if OP is religious or not, so this could all be moot.

 

Right, which makes me think since this person is a one-shot poster and could be trolling by baiting those with the Kobayashi Maru situation. *shrug*

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LookAtThisPOst
None of them are all that good-looking, shockingly (/sarcasm).

 

I dunno, things can get complicated when you throw dating and religion and sex together. I think the scenario you described in your other post is quite common. Marriage is upheld in the church as this ultimate, "heaven on earth," a direct parallel of Christ's relationship with his believers. Since marriage is so venerated, and because sex outside marriage is so forbidden, I think a lot of Christians do get married very quickly so that they can have sex, only to later discover that their spouses have a host of personality disorders. And I think a lot of Christian guys want to believe that by holding off on sex, that they'll get to have like, perpetual, porn-quality sex forever once they do get married, so I can kind of understand why a lot of them are holding out for the human unicorn ideal of the virginal goddess.

 

But I digress. We don't even know if OP is religious or not, so this could all be moot.

 

However, I just watched a really fascinating documentary about premarital sex in the church (the "purity movement") a couple of days ago. You should check it out, I think you'd find it interesting:

 

 

Believe it or not, where I live...at least a decade ago...I met young women...18, 19 , 20....they weren't allowed to go out with their b/fs' on a traditional date. That even "dating" isn't allowed as it could lead to sin.

 

One woman, college student, still living iwth her parents...if she were to be with her boyfriend...he had to be at her parents house, under their roof only. or...best...chaperoned.

 

Some won't even KISS until their wedding day.

 

Also, what I get a kick out of is that when it comes to "waiting until the wedding day"...is that some wind up not getting married, and wind up being 30 + virgins and thinking "WTF?! Why in the world did I wait?" and actually rather regret it.

 

I think this "purity pledge" is taken by those that marry young. Then there's the whole mutual attraction thing, too.

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searching1992
I was just going to say the unicorn thing, too.

 

OP, I don't know if you're religious, but I used to be, and I met a lot of guy in the church in my early 20s who were also looking for a woman who was not only model-gorgeous but virginal, or as a friend liked to say, "they're looking for the cross between Giselle Bundchen and Mother Teresa!" The thing is, a lot of those guys are pushing 40 and they're still not married, so, if I were to give you a bit of practical advice, I would say get comfortable with being single, 'cause it could be a while for you.

 

I have no idea where you'd find a woman like this outside the church, and those women who are strict enough to adhere to the no sex til marriage thing will also probably not date a non-believer, so for your sake, I hope you are religious. Good luck.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. I quoted this particular passage since it contains the spirit of many of the other posts. To answer your question, I am Christian. I'm not fundamental or even evangelical, though. I'm considering trying out an evangelical church since, like many posters suggested, church might be the best bet.

 

I understand your point about pickiness leading to singlehood. I just cannot see myself lowering my standards. I don't mind searching for a long time. I just want to find a wife eventually. You mentioned in your other post that the guys you know pushing 40 aren't great looking. I think the fact that I've been told I'm attractive and I work out should help me a bit.

 

Anyway, it looks like I should become more involved with church and/or join a Christian dating site. Are there really no other options, though? I've considered dating younger girls (18-19). Obviously many girls that age aren't virgins, but I've looked up statistics on the matter and a large percentage still are. Surely some would be open to the idea of waiting if they met and liked a guy who wanted to, right?

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You might check out getting a Philippines wife. Talk radio show host Art Bell did this after his first wife died. He went over to the Philippine islands and basically had his choice of young virginal women to take as a wife. Age doesn't seem to matter with this culture - a 60 year old man could find a 20 year old woman to wed. Rather, what seems to matter to this culture is that the man be educated, religious (high morals), and able to financially support the woman in good style. Love comes secondary. This is not mail-order brides - Art Bell used to live in Nevada, USA. He actually moved to the Philippine Islands and still lives there with his new family. He married into a large extended family so he got more than just a bride.. He seems to be happy - so maybe this is a option for you...

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LookAtThisPOst
I was gonna suggest this. One of my best friends met a girl from the Philippines and she's great. Looking for an attractive, adult, female virgin in the USA is all but impossible. Only virgin women I have ever met were back in high school.

 

Right, and 2 years later...they file for divorce and rake you across the coals after they've obtained their citizenship status.

 

I've considered dating younger girls (18-19).

 

You didn't mention your age...what age are you?

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LookAtThisPOst
Wild guess, 23 or 24.

 

MW1962. ;)

 

Oh, yes, at this age, I can understand his reasoning. As he gets older, and if he's not married by late 20s and 30s.

 

He'll likely change his preferences to be more realistic.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I quoted this particular passage since it contains the spirit of many of the other posts. To answer your question, I am Christian. I'm not fundamental or even evangelical, though. I'm considering trying out an evangelical church since, like many posters suggested, church might be the best bet.

 

While you are searching, it may be worth your while browse through some major authors in your neighborhood Christian bookstore to give you an idea of what kind of church or community you may best connect with. Many of these authors are connected to churches or communities/movements, some of which focus on getting out a Bible-based message to a skeptical, liberal, young, career-oriented audience. Timothy Keller's book "The Meaning of Marriage" is a great example - his church is based out of NYC but they have branched out to several other cities. Other authors like Andy Stanley, John Eldredge, Francis Chan, and others also have good perspectives.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I quoted this particular passage since it contains the spirit of many of the other posts. To answer your question, I am Christian. I'm not fundamental or even evangelical, though. I'm considering trying out an evangelical church since, like many posters suggested, church might be the best bet.

 

I understand your point about pickiness leading to singlehood. I just cannot see myself lowering my standards. I don't mind searching for a long time. I just want to find a wife eventually. You mentioned in your other post that the guys you know pushing 40 aren't great looking. I think the fact that I've been told I'm attractive and I work out should help me a bit.

 

Anyway, it looks like I should become more involved with church and/or join a Christian dating site. Are there really no other options, though? I've considered dating younger girls (18-19). Obviously many girls that age aren't virgins, but I've looked up statistics on the matter and a large percentage still are. Surely some would be open to the idea of waiting if they met and liked a guy who wanted to, right?

 

Yes, but my point was not that they're still single because they're not attractive (they lie on all points of the attractiveness scale), but because they're perpetually looking for a kind of woman who, well, some may say doesn't exist. I think it's fine to have standards, but if you want gorgeous + pure + willing to stay pure until marriage + whatever else you're looking for, that may lead to a long wait. You might meet one next week, who knows.

 

But yes, if you're a Christian, I am not sure why you'd look anywhere other than at a church to find a girlfriend/wife, because generally speaking, it's mainly religious people who hold so tightly to the notion of purity. Outside those groups, it's seen as something to get rid of as soon as possible.

 

Is there a reason you don't want to get involved in a church or look for a church-going woman? That's exactly where you'll have the most luck finding what you're looking for. In fact, if you're looking for a woman who's never gone beyond kissing, I would say you will probably ONLY find that in a very conservative, fundamentalist environment, though then I would sincerely be concerned with the psychological state of a woman like that (a la, the Duggars), unless she was very, very young.

 

I know you don't want commentary on your standards, but of any of them, I would respectfully encourage you to ease up on the "hardly ever been kissed" notion. Christian women who are not so conservative will probably have had a past, at least one that involves deep kissing or other physical contact that's not necessarily sex. They may not be entirely pure, but would at least be willing to wait with you. Look at Russell Wilson. He and his girlfriend are supposedly chaste; she has a child, but you don't see him complaining (because she is gorgeous).

 

Anyway, good luck. I'm curious, how old are you and whereabouts are you, geographically?

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Yeah some 18 year olds might be virgins but they probably aren't planning on staying that way throughout college. Maybe you could hang around a coffee shop by a Christian college or something. I dunno all the religious people I knew who were waiting for marriage got married quite quickly after HS, like around 19 for girls, maybe 21-22 for boys.

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LookAtThisPOst
But yes, if you're a Christian, I am not sure why you'd look anywhere other than at a church to find a girlfriend/wife

 

Because typically women in church are usually unavailable or married, dating someone outside of said church. Usually involved with a more secular man that likely only shows up to church with his g/f on Christmas and Easter at the very most.

 

Usually you don't see many SINGLE much less unattached women going to church as those places tend to have a high majority of married people coming with their spouses and kids. Single people tend to congregate to meet other singles in venues that are more non-church related. They probably try to find out if they are Christians when they meet them at an activity and go from there.

 

Rarely I would see an unattached woman attending services alone.

 

Long time ago, I actually found out a woman in church was unattached, because I spotted her on Match.com. She came alone with her kids a lot.

 

When I emailed her through Match (as I was a member at the time), asked her if I could take her out after church. She said she did remember me from services, but thought our age diff. were too great...I think she was only 5 years older at the time. Me in my early 30s, her in her late 30s.

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Because typically women in church are usually unavailable or married, dating someone outside of said church. Usually involved with a more secular man that likely only shows up to church with his g/f on Christmas and Easter at the very most.

 

Usually you don't see many SINGLE much less unattached women going to church as those places tend to have a high majority of married people coming with their spouses and kids. Single people tend to congregate to meet other singles in venues that are more non-church related. They probably try to find out if they are Christians when they meet them at an activity and go from there.

 

Rarely I would see an unattached woman attending services alone.

 

Maybe you and I are in two different areas, because that wasn't my experience at all. When I went to church, there were plenty of single women, some of them very actively serving in the church. Most of my friends back then were single, Christian women.

 

Besides, church will still be the best place to meet a woman like the kind he's seeking. Or online—that's what search filters are for, plus it's much easier to quickly signal what you're looking for online; no need to spend a lot of time asking questions.

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LookAtThisPOst
Maybe you and I are in two different areas, because that wasn't my experience at all. When I went to church, there were plenty of single women, some of them very actively serving in the church. Most of my friends back then were single, Christian women.

 

Yes, but were they likely dating or involved with someone outside of their church, right? Most women I meet usually never had an interest in the men (like you) in the congregation they were attending. The men already asked them out, and they were rejected. Usually the wind up dating someone while out in about through secular avenues. In fact, a lot of the Christian women preferred it over dating within their church because of the whole, "Don't eat where you poop" rule.

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Yes, but were they likely dating or involved with someone outside of their church, right? Most women I meet usually never had an interest in the men (like you) in the congregation they were attending. The men already asked them out, and they were rejected. Usually the wind up dating someone while out in about through secular avenues. In fact, a lot of the Christian women preferred it over dating within their church because of the whole, "Don't eat where you poop" rule.

 

No, not really.

 

A LOT of the Christian women I knew/know were taught to rely on God and "wait" for him to bring them their husbands. So, most of them, when they were younger anyway, either dated men at our church, or from a different church, or they just didn't date at all. Those were the "good" ones, anyway, the type OP sounds like he's hoping to meet. It was always a big deal when anyone from within the church community dated a non-believer, we called it "missionary dating," and it was widely frowned upon. I think once women get a bit older and realize that church dating culture is messed up, is when they go outside the church to find someone.

 

Often, what you're describing worked the other way around—it was the men who didn't want to s**t where they ate, for fear of word getting around, should a relationship not work out with one of the women in their church.

 

The whole thing is entirely fraught and toxic, as far as I'm concerned.

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And advanced degree, strong work ethic and future career goals make you an attractive candidate to fathers and grandfathers, not to upper teens and early 20s women.

 

 

While I do think you trying and think you have the right idea by making yourself attractive so that when you do someone that meets your criteria, I think you will still be hampered by being in a culture of free choice and female selection (in free societies and cultures, women choose who they date, have sex with and ultimately marry)

 

 

With your criteria, you will be hampered in that that 1:10,000 woman will have to choose you to be her mate. Unless you are literally in the top 5% attractiveness of all men in the country, you are taking a big risk in that you will end up a creepy, lonely 50 year old virgin and you will likely be pretty bitter and scornful by then as well.

 

 

 

 

my suggestion is that you make friends with highly conservative, religious grown men and earn their confidence. Then maybe they will consider an arranged marriage with their daughters or nieces or something.

 

 

Perhaps even consider converting to Islam or Morman or some other highl conservative culture that still practices arranged marriage and make good with the elders in that community and someone may have a daughter or granddaughter or niece or something that meets your criteria and she will be offered up to you.

 

 

The cultures where men expect to marry desirable virgins are almost all cultures that practice arranged and even forced marriages. Men with that rigid of criteria are attractive to potential father's in law, not to the young women themselves. In those cultures it is also common for young women to marry full grown or even middle aged and in extreme cases even elderly men.

 

 

Your real challenge here is a gorgeous, virginal woman choosing you out of the 3 billion other men of world. Your best chance here is to eliminate her choice and have such a woman handed over to you by her father or her church/community elders.

 

 

Mainstream Christianity practices female selection of their own mates. You may have to leave that culture and enter into a more rigid and conservative culture/religion that still practices arranged/forced marriage.

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The one credit that I will give you is that you at least seem to be practicing what you preach in that you are saving yourself for your virgin bride.

 

 

That is at least congruent with your values of sexual purity that you expect out of your mate.

 

 

I always have to roll my eyes and shake my head at these playa's that pick up drunk chicks in bars every weekend and have sex with untold numbers of strangers and then expect a virgin for marriage.

 

 

At least you are congruent, I'll give you that.

 

 

The bitter irony though is the playa's are more attractive and desirable to young women and many upper teen/early 20s chicks will find an adult virgin suspect at best and downright creepy at worst.

 

 

And as I mentioned in my post above, being an adult virgin by choice due to beliefs and values, makes you admired by full grown, conservative, adult men, not young women. Your best bet here is to impress someone's father and hope he sets you up with his daughter.

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