How to get past negative views of women?

[SJC2008]

In short, I have very low self esteem and major women problems. I love my mother but I resent her as I beleive most of my women problems (and many others) stem from her. I never could do anything to please her, she was cold and unafectionate, she projected on me etc. Naturally, this has affected my dating life. I know in my heart there are good women out there but the more failures I have with them the more resentful I get. From my dating failures over the last few years I have formed a handful of beliefs, some are based off of observation as well. I'm not going to get into specifics because I'm not here to bash women or to rattle of a list for the guys to back me up on. I know there are women who struggle with men as well. How do I get past negative views/resentment of women?

[Bubberfly]

1. I highly suggest a therapist to discuss the issues that you have with your mother and to work on your self esteem

 

And 2. Failures in relationships happen. This has nothing to do with what sex people are or how they behave or or or... It takes TWO people to have a relationship. BOTH have "failed" if the relationship doesn't work out, so keep that in mind.

Another thing is, maybe perhaps you're failing in your relationships because the women you date can tell you have disdain for them? It is frustrating dating someone who has pegged you into a "type" from the start (I say this from experience). A person tells you you're this or that because they have had bad experiences and you either feel you need to prove them otherwise or walk away.

I wouldn't want to date someone of I knew they had "issues" with my gender because of what OTHER women have done in the past.

[GemmaUK]

Get some therapy.

 

 

Feeling resentment towards women is one of the most common traits in the type of men who go on to become controlling and emotionally or physically abusive towards women.

 

 

Don't become one of those guys OP.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I'm dealing with something similar to you in that my ex, whom I was very much in love with, betrayed me and said some of the most debasing and foul stuff imaginable about me.

 

However, my mother is the kindest, most empathic, most Christ-like person I've ever met. I try to model myself after her.

 

I'm always shocked when people describe their mothers as selfish and negative. I feel so lucky.

 

Is there any woman you've known over the course of your life who you've found to be uncompromisingly selfless and nurturing? A friend?

[JuneJulySeptember]

In short, I have very low self esteem and major women problems. I love my mother but I resent her as I beleive most of my women problems (and many others) stem from her. I never could do anything to please her, she was cold and unafectionate, she projected on me etc. Naturally, this has affected my dating life. I know in my heart there are good women out there but the more failures I have with them the more resentful I get. From my dating failures over the last few years I have formed a handful of beliefs, some are based off of observation as well. I'm not going to get into specifics because I'm not here to bash women or to rattle of a list for the guys to back me up on. I know there are women who struggle with men as well. How do I get past negative views/resentment of women?

 

I think the very, very first thing (and I'm not joking) is to get off this website.

 

It reinforces every negative view you have on women because dating forums tend to draw people who really see the game of dating as a contest so to speak. That attitude is prevalent in real life too, but it won't always be thrust in your face. If you think women are too picky and shallow, this is about the worst place to dispel those myths.

 

The second part is you need to do things you love. Whatever it may be. Watching baseball, or writing poetry, or flying kites. Etc. Get on it. It won't help you meet women, but it will help you enjoy life.

 

The third thing is to find a good woman who is attracted to you. Whether she is physically attractive or not doesn't matter. If she is a nice woman and she likes you, then you can see that you are a worthy person and forget about all of this nonsense about you not being good looking or interesting enough to snag a woman. Once you get your head out of the game of dating being that kind of a competition, happier days lie ahead.

 

Worked for me at least. For now.

[jay1983]

I think the very, very first thing (and I'm not joking) is to get off this website.

 

I second this. I had some things happen and I got so busy and tied up last year that I completely forgot about this forum and the internet all together. Last week I got the WiFi working where I'm staying at and decided to log in.

 

The very first thread I read was full of women bashing older men who like younger women. As a younger guy who finds older women attractive, I cringed when I read that sh*t. I don't think women IRL are like that, I think there's an abundance of people here who never get off the internet.

[carhill]

OP, I had perhaps an opposite life experience in that I was socialized by a healthy female role model and was somewhat shocked and dismayed by the realities of the women of my demographic when getting out into the world as a young man. The problem with relationships was I kept defaulting back to that inaccurate start point when interacting with women instead of accurately responding to their demonstrated behaviors. This went on for the better part of 15 years before I totally licked the unhealthy tendencies. In that process my views became perhaps 'more negative' than they had before but those prior views were warped to an unreasonable positive so in reality the result was more neutral.

 

If I had to identify two aspects which cemented the current viewpoint they would be:

 

1. Going through MC with my exW. The professional psychological counseling helped a lot.

 

2. Maintaining friendships with healthy and loving women, mainly the spouses of maie friends. This balances out any tendencies to bounce to the negative view side from life experiences, whether present or emotional memories of past.

 

The net result is letting go of both expectations and dependency on any particular outcome. As singular beings, women are who they are, individual, and there are billions of them around so no one is that important as to be given the power to affect my life in any material fashion. What I got past was my own want. Very freeing.

[Revolver]

Have success with them.

 

People who have negative views about math usually suck at it. The same applies here

[Harold of Andraste]

Probably the best way to get over your negative views of women is to be in a relationship with a good woman. That way you get firsthand experience. There really is nothing better than that.

 

Though the hard part would be getting her to date you and actually stick around. Good women require good men.

[Moy]

In short, I have very low self esteem and major women problems. I love my mother but I resent her as I beleive most of my women problems (and many others) stem from her. I never could do anything to please her, she was cold and unafectionate, she projected on me etc. Naturally, this has affected my dating life. I know in my heart there are good women out there but the more failures I have with them the more resentful I get. From my dating failures over the last few years I have formed a handful of beliefs, some are based off of observation as well. I'm not going to get into specifics because I'm not here to bash women or to rattle of a list for the guys to back me up on. I know there are women who struggle with men as well. How do I get past negative views/resentment of women?

 

Are you sure that the resentment is directed towards the women or yourself for your perceived failure with them?

 

The reason I ask is that I have been using online dating for two years and all it has done is tell me two things:

 

1. The lack of responses to my messages must mean that I am really ugly.

 

2. Women must really dislike me because of my ugliness.

 

Obviously, after a while you are going to become resentful of people constantly reminding you of your deficiencies - but the bigger picture here is that I'm not cutting it and it's me whom I really resent.

 

Hate the game, not the players. A bit of googling will soon teach you that the game stinks for the majority of us!

[clia]

Do you have any positive platonic relationships with women -- coworkers or friends?

[SJC2008]

Get some therapy.

 

 

Feeling resentment towards women is one of the most common traits in the type of men who go on to become controlling and emotionally or physically abusive towards women.

 

 

Don't become one of those guys OP.

 

My father hit my mother, I'm 33 and have never hit a woman. I don't want anything to do with the environment I grew up in.

[SJC2008]

Do you have any positive platonic relationships with women -- coworkers or friends?

 

I have had a few in the past but not now. It's been years.

[SJC2008]

Shyness is a curse to a man. I've tried to put myself out there, got some dates, but i have failed. I don't have the self esteem to go through multiple rejections to get to the limited women who are attracted to me *and* are ok with shyness/awkwardness.

 

I think women think shy guys are pu$$ys but I'm not. I've told many a bosses off and have had near shouting matches at work. This is when I was in auto service mind you, a male dominated industry so butting heads want't out of the norm.

[GemmaUK]

My father hit my mother, I'm 33 and have never hit a woman. I don't want anything to do with the environment I grew up in.

 

I wasn't suggesting that you had OP. I hope that you didn't take it that way.

 

 

Why do you resent your mother?

And is it all women that you resent or just those who have rejected you?

 

 

I wouldn't advise dating until you get to the root of where it comes from.

Your dad was abusive to your mum so you could have learned his values/beliefs/expectations of a woman and a partner from when you were a child.

 

 

What do you expect of a woman when you date her?

What would be your expectation of a marriage if you were to meet someone and marry tomorrow?

 

 

Sorry, lots of questions in there!

I am also not trying to put you on the spot here but just to make you think. You don't need to answer me even.

 

 

I'm reading a book at the moment titled 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft (a male). It's very easy to read and well written.

I was shocked and surprised though to read reviews on it from not just women (who it was written for) but from men who were in doubt as to whether they may have a tendency to control or abuse in any way or whether they may have done in the past.

 

 

Men who see their fathers physically abuse are less likely to do it themselves actually (they are appalled by it just as your reply to me comes across) but they can be more likely to hold values which can lead to forms of control and emotional abuse (ones a man may think are normal because it's what he has been brought up on) - if that makes sense?

 

 

I also agree with another poster..Jay I think it was (?) this site is not conducive to when you are feeling in a not great place already.

Real life beats this place by a mile!

Real life beats any internet site to be honest!

[GemmaUK]

Shyness is a curse to a man. I've tried to put myself out there, got some dates, but i have failed. I don't have the self esteem to go through multiple rejections to get to the limited women who are attracted to me *and* are ok with shyness/awkwardness.

 

I think women think shy guys are pu$$ys but I'm not. I've told many a bosses off and have had near shouting matches at work. This is when I was in auto service mind you, a male dominated industry so butting heads want't out of the norm.

 

 

 

Sorry, I had to answer this!

I dated two guys who were not shy & awkward guys. One I dumped a few weeks in - nutter - the other was my abuser.

Everyone else I dated including my long term RS of 14 years - shy and awkward.

[jen1447]

It reinforces every negative view you have on women because dating forums tend to draw people who really see the game of dating as a contest so to speak.

Is this really just a dating forum though? I came here for all the other scintillating conversation.

 

Seriously, lots of other things get discussed, even if the majority of the action's in the sex forum.

[Anela]

I second this. I had some things happen and I got so busy and tied up last year that I completely forgot about this forum and the internet all together. Last week I got the WiFi working where I'm staying at and decided to log in.

 

The very first thread I read was full of women bashing older men who like younger women. As a younger guy who finds older women attractive, I cringed when I read that sh*t. I don't think women IRL are like that, I think there's an abundance of people here who never get off the internet.

 

Um.. we weren't bashing older men for liking younger women. We were fighting the idea that they're better than women their own age.

 

My own insecurities are tipped off here, because of all of that hatred shown towards women. I'm almost 40, and men my age have been "preferring younger women" for a while now. My self-esteem has taken hits, but I've tried not to blame men as a whole, because I know they/you aren't all this way. Whenever I'm here, or even on a dating site, I feel like I've run out of time. That isn't fair.

 

So SJC, I don't know, because I'm in a similar boat. Shyness is a curse to women, too. I wasn't sure if a man was showing interest in me the other night, when he made comments to me out of nowhere. I freeze up, and my mind rushes for a response, if one is required. Sometimes you don't know - it happens to me a lot. I've shot myself in the foot before.

[Satu]

Medium to long-term therapy is the best way forward for the OP.

[True Gent]

Sometimes a reality check is in order.

 

When frequenting forums like this, it's easy to get caught up in 'men are this - and women are that' mentality. Sites like this attract negativity, because most people enjoying a happy relationship won't be visiting places like LS very often.

 

It's all people trying to make sense of the opposite sex and second guessing what other people are thinking & feeling.

 

I'm not dissing LS, it's been an invaluable place for me to draw strength from since my LTR ended. But there is a lot of people going through crappy or awkward times posting on here. It highlights everything that is hard about meeting 'the one'.

 

I know your own personal experiences have had a negative effect on you. It's not just reading about it. You will get some great advice here, but the point I am eventually getting at is...

 

Everyone is an individual, not all women are the same. Every person out there has their own values, beliefs, experiences and goals. It is just a process of eventually finding the ones that fit with yours.

 

Take on board the advice here which you feel will help you, but don't get sucked into the 'dating is a game' attitude, or that all women want X,Y & Z, or they all think and behave the same way, because they don't.

 

Think about it, does every man you've ever known share the same characteristics? No, because we're all different.

 

Women think, feel and want love just as much you do.

[SJC2008]

I wasn't suggesting that you had OP. I hope that you didn't take it that way.

 

 

Why do you resent your mother?

And is it all women that you resent or just those who have rejected you?

 

 

I wouldn't advise dating until you get to the root of where it comes from.

Your dad was abusive to your mum so you could have learned his values/beliefs/expectations of a woman and a partner from when you were a child.

 

 

What do you expect of a woman when you date her?

What would be your expectation of a marriage if you were to meet someone and marry tomorrow?

 

 

Sorry, lots of questions in there!

I am also not trying to put you on the spot here but just to make you think. You don't need to answer me even.

 

 

I'm reading a book at the moment titled 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft (a male). It's very easy to read and well written.

I was shocked and surprised though to read reviews on it from not just women (who it was written for) but from men who were in doubt as to whether they may have a tendency to control or abuse in any way or whether they may have done in the past.

 

 

Men who see their fathers physically abuse are less likely to do it themselves actually (they are appalled by it just as your reply to me comes across) but they can be more likely to hold values which can lead to forms of control and emotional abuse (ones a man may think are normal because it's what he has been brought up on) - if that makes sense?

 

 

I also agree with another poster..Jay I think it was (?) this site is not conducive to when you are feeling in a not great place already.

Real life beats this place by a mile!

Real life beats any internet site to be honest!

 

 

I resenty my mother becasue many of my issues stem from our relationsip. I could never please her thus I subconsciously think I can't please/are worthy of any woman. She was very unaffectionate, emotionally unavailable. She projected on to me, I'm brainwashed to think everything is my fault because it was never hers. She's controlling, I'm attracted to controlling women like her.

 

These "mommy issues" made me hyper sensitve to rejection from women. My first girlfriend (I was 17) dogged me to our co-workers, it destroyed me. I was so shy, I never made a move. She was saving face and made me look like a scared punk.

 

 

I think I resent women in general now. I hate to say it but due to my experiences and how many men go un-noticed by women or are too shy. It's not fair to us. I know it's biology, so I can't blame someone's programming that things like shyness/awkwardess are a turn off.

 

 

 

 

As far a what I look for in a woman, besides the sterotypical things like honest and faithful. I'd like to meet a woman who is self aware, who knows there is no such thing as perfection but makes a concious effort to not be dysfunctional. I.E, being able to compromise, admit wrong, you can't grow closer as a couple if you'd rater be dead than wrong. We're all human, people project and blame shift when arguing but when the dust settles the party who was wrong needs to man/woman up. Also, I like "strait shooters" I don't like passiveness. Of course she'd have to be affectionate and have a nice personality/sense of humor.

 

 

On your second to last point, I didn't take offense. I just had to throw that out there.

[GemmaUK]

I resenty my mother becasue many of my issues stem from our relationsip. I could never please her thus I subconsciously think I can't please/are worthy of any woman. She was very unaffectionate, emotionally unavailable. She projected on to me, I'm brainwashed to think everything is my fault because it was never hers. She's controlling, I'm attracted to controlling women like her.

 

These "mommy issues" made me hyper sensitve to rejection from women. My first girlfriend (I was 17) dogged me to our co-workers, it destroyed me. I was so shy, I never made a move. She was saving face and made me look like a scared punk.

 

 

I think I resent women in general now. I hate to say it but due to my experiences and how many men go un-noticed by women or are too shy. It's not fair to us. I know it's biology, so I can't blame someone's programming that things like shyness/awkwardess are a turn off.

 

 

 

 

As far a what I look for in a woman, besides the sterotypical things like honest and faithful. I'd like to meet a woman who is self aware, who knows there is no such thing as perfection but makes a concious effort to not be dysfunctional. I.E, being able to compromise, admit wrong, you can't grow closer as a couple if you'd rater be dead than wrong. We're all human, people project and blame shift when arguing but when the dust settles the party who was wrong needs to man/woman up. Also, I like "strait shooters" I don't like passiveness. Of course she'd have to be affectionate and have a nice personality/sense of humor.

 

 

On your second to last point, I didn't take offense. I just had to throw that out there.

 

 

Give some examples of actual things that happened where your Mum insisted you were wrong.

My mum would put me down occasionally and I remember explicitly what the details were. I was young so didn't stand up for myself so by the time I was 17 I as painfully shy.

By the time I was 18 I had taken measures to eradicate my shyness. I set a time frame of doing things seriously out of my comfort zone.

You need to do the same thing and set yourself a plan of action.

No one, absolutely no one just grows up from being a child and doesn't continue growing.

We grow up all of our lives.

 

 

'It's not fair' is an entitled statement.

Life isn't a bed a roses, every single one of us has to take responsibility for ourselves.

I'm not implying that you don't but someone who doesn't take responsibility is the number one sign of a person who could go on to be controlling/abusive.

You can take responsibility for your shyness by working on it and not blaming your mum and women in general.

 

 

You can also look back on things in your life where something went wrong and accept your part in them.

I don't quite understand your paragraph about your ex when you were 17. Can you re-explain it?

[Frank2thepoint]

I think the very, very first thing (and I'm not joking) is to get off this website.

 

I also agree with another poster..Jay I think it was (?) this site is not conducive to when you are feeling in a not great place already.

 

When frequenting forums like this, it's easy to get caught up in 'men are this - and women are that' mentality. Sites like this attract negativity, because most people enjoying a happy relationship won't be visiting places like LS very often.

 

I personally disagree with the advice to stop visiting a forum such as LS. Maybe scaling back your frequency, but there are gold ingots of wisdom nestled away in this site. Reading other people's struggles with dating and relationships, reading different point of views, helped me better understand women and dating. Of course having an open mind and positive thinking is required.

 

 

How do I get past negative views/resentment of women?

 

I resenty my mother becasue many of my issues stem from our relationsip. I could never please her thus I subconsciously think I can't please/are worthy of any woman. She was very unaffectionate, emotionally unavailable. She projected on to me, I'm brainwashed to think everything is my fault because it was never hers. She's controlling, I'm attracted to controlling women like her.

 

Just to attempt to try to draw a parallel, I never knew my biological mother. She gave me up to my biological father at an early age, like 3 or 4. My father remarried to my mother, who I love, and she loves me. But of course there is a small part of me, unconsciously is angry at the abandonment by my biological mother. In addition, my biological mother was not affection at all. Explains why I seek out a woman for romantic interest that is also affectionate. I was told much later as an adult that my biological mom used to punch her belly while she was pregnant with me, to stop me from squirming around. Maybe because I was keeping her from sleeping. Good times. I also learned that she has a history of abandoning her children. Before me and after me, she's had children with other men, and just keeps abandoning her children. She gets the Mother of the Century award.

 

I'm lucky my (adoptive?) mother is very caring. But there is small part of me that is affected by my biological mother's actions which in turn, for a lack of a better term, makes me "needy". I tend to get attached to a woman easily and get effusive a bit. In a way, I am acting out my urge to appease my biological mother and earn her love. I have chased after women that were wrong for me, even women that showed clear signs of disinterest. I figured persistence would win them over. Obviously, and for educational purposes, that is not the case.

 

I've been clawing my way out of the unhealthy behavior, and still struggling with it, because it's some deep-seated subconscious thing. You could even call it my personal demon I am fighting. What does help me is I counterbalance my strong emotional desire to connect with a woman that is wrong for me, with cold, hard logic of her actions. If a woman is not showing me any interest, she's definitely not interested. Here's a real life example. I went on a date with a woman a week ago. It was a two hour date. The entire date she only asked three questions about me. Only three. One was about where I live, the other if I live on my own, and I forget the third one. The point is, they weren't personal, get-really-know-me, questions. Just superficial ones. Clearly she had no interest. The date ended and I was disappointed that yet again I'm drudging through the dating scene, with nothing to garner from it. A couple of days ago, my needy side -- and the subconscious part trying to gain my biological mother's love -- came up with the idea to possibly invite her to a cool tea and pastry cafe I discovered. I entertained the idea for a while, until my logical side kicked in and went through the motion that this woman didn't even reach out to me at all after the date. She showed absolutely no interest in me during the date, barely even looked me in the eye too as a kicker. I had thought she was shy, but sh*t, that's just my needy side grasping for an excuse to try harder, chase her, when in reality her actions were very clear that she wasn't interested.

 

Now how does my story help you? Think positive, learn to trust, make peace with your past and yourself. Accept that what your mother did to you is not your fault, and outside of your control. Your resentment stems from you trying to gain control over the ordeal your mother put you through. You look at other women, and your first instinct is to protect yourself. Your resentment of women is a coping mechanism. Even as an adult, you are trying to protect that little child in you that was unjustly hurt by his mother. You didn't fully understand what was happening to you at the time, until much later in life. Now it's just a defense mechanism that kicks in. You have to find a way to stop, or at least, ease it from kicking in. No one, not even a therapist, will be able to resolve this for you, except just you alone. This advice, or some therapist's, are just guidelines to assist you with resolving this. You just have to make an effort, each and everyday. If you do, you'll realize one day that you can open your heart up to a good woman.

 

Hope that helps a little.

[elaine567]

Men who see their fathers physically abuse are less likely to do it themselves actually (they are appalled by it just as your reply to me comes across) but they can be more likely to hold values which can lead to forms of control and emotional abuse (ones a man may think are normal because it's what he has been brought up on) - if that makes sense?

I thought men who had witnessed violent domestic abuse were more likely to do the same to their female partners or use violence as a means to get their own way in life, than men brought up in non violent homes. I have also seen the figure of "twice as likely" to be physically abusive, applied to these men.

[elaine567]

Children who grow up observing their mothers being abused, especially by their fathers, grow up with a role model of intimate relationships in which one person uses intimidation and violence over the other person to get their way. Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for their seemingly helpless mother. Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children and telling them that their mother is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to her. Seeing their mothers treated with enormous disrespect, teaches children that they can disrespect women the way their fathers do. Most experts believe that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems. They may replicate the violence they witnessed as children in their teen and adult relationships and parenting experiences. Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. For girls, adolescence may result in the belief that threats and violence are the norm in relationships.

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

 

 

Re resenting your mother. See bold.