beating myself up

[candie13]

more like punching myself, really... yup, that moment came ! For I, myself to realize that I did this to myself. I cannot believe how self centered and egoistic I could be... with myself. And for whom ...

 

you know when you are very infatuated and somehow, deep down inside, you sort of realize this is too bad - you feel too bad, it is too dramatic to be authentic so it must be about something else... and a very strange thought passes through your mind like a feather lightly touched your face... that thought "is he really worth all this drama?". of course, you dismiss it immediately and comfortably carry on drowning yourself in that well of self pity over and over again.

 

I cannot believe I've done this to me. I cannot believe I've allowed this to happen to me, at this moment in time. And deep down inside, I knew it. I could feel this moment would come up. I ****ed up half of my exams, I was a mess, my parents - whom I only see a couple of times a year - saw me crying, despite trying to put up a brave face, I withdrew even further from my friends and basically royally f*cked my last 4 months of existence.

 

Today I date a great guy (for a over a month). Like for real. I imagine he has flaws and is imperfect too, but he is fantastic to me. Really nice, really sweet, caring, good... Supportive, stable... Normal. And even if he turns out to not be any of those things, he is giving me peace of mind, tranquility, he is making me happy. I cannot believe how badly I've f*cked up last year. I am in a state of shock. For a joke. For something that wasn't even real. When I think about the guy I was sobbing after, I'm like... "really? for this?" he cannot give me half the things my date is offering me unconditionally. I don't even have to ask. It's... wow. It's how it should be. no push pull... no sleepless nights. no crying, no games, no frustration... plans, moments, talking, sharing, laughing...

 

what the hell was I thinking, going to school while working full time, only to royally f*ck it up, like that... and how did I let it go that wrongly for so long... unbloodybelievable. unbelievable...

 

do you feel that way, at times? It's not about the 3 months I spend crying, it's about the 3 months I spent crying instead of learning, for an education I am bloody paying... pffff......

Edited January 23, 2015 by candie13

[Toodaloo]

Oh blimey imagine 5 years trying to make it work with a guy who was shagging around and not even clever enough to hide it, was into weird stuff in the bedroom (I can be a bit kinky but he took it to turn off levels), lazy, self centred... and there was me making myself very fat and ill over it all when I could have been out having fun!

 

*I didn't even love him* Thats the bit that really got me. I had just made my bed and thought that I should make an effort with it.

 

Shame it wasn't reciprocated really... Actually no its not or it would still be going on.

 

Glad all is going well!

[preraph]

So sorry. It's hard to know what is really inside a guy's head and what their intentions are, but whatever they say, even the small things, should be followed up with matching actions to prove what they say is true. And that's about the only weapon you have to keep from being led on.

[candie13]

You've nailed it, Raph. This is where I made my mistake. He talked a lot, made a lot of promises, but in all honesty, he did not seduce me. He took time off and realized he could not / didn't want to deliver. So I let him go. My mistake was that I believed him. Not receiving any explanation, seeing him just ...change his mind... I have allowed that to get to me. Now, I was smart enough to go immediately no contact, I stayed away, I played it almost by the book. But deep down inside I believed him. I wanted him. I wanted to give us a chance. That is my own wrong doing to myself, because one is supposed to wait before giving trust, before allowing himself to fall for a person. I am not at fault for his shortcomings. I am at fault for not being able to just let go easily enough. To just say to myself "people change their minds all the time" and just move on. Infuriating. I find my being this gullible infuriating. His not being able to take advantage of my vulnerability doesn't change a thing - I may be gullible, but I'm not stupid. If a man tells me he's not ready for a relationship, I believe him, I won't try to make him change his mind. I feel like slapping myself for being this naive. And even more bad to wear those imprints within me. I hate that part of myself, that stupid naive lil girl who takes over the 34 years one.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If it makes you feel any better, I spent ALL of my late teens and 20s on men where it was blindingly obvious were wrong for me and it will never work out. I mean about 90% of my mind was occupied with these men and I neglected everything else. Just to think..if I could go back in time with my current wisdom, I doubt they would get even couple of weeks of my attention :mad:

 

Just makes me really angry at myself

[neowulf]

Well, consider that when infatuated.. you're basically on the brain chemical equivalent of cocaine..

 

As a cocaine addict how easy it is to just "snap out of it" and do the sensible thing.

 

Emotions can be powerful, seductive forces. You're dealing with something far more primal than the "rational mind".

 

Try go easy on yourself. You still have the rest of your life. If this is the biggest regret at the end of it all, you'll be doing OK.

[xxoo]

First, glad to hear it is going well with the new guy!

 

Second, don't spend too much time beating yourself up. You've already given enough headspace and emotional attention to that situation--and it hasn't be a waste because you learned something really big. My dad isn't a college educated man, but he is a wise one. He's always told me, when I've made mistakes, "Education is never cheap". Make sure you get a return on your investment by benefiting from your education. If going through that has helped you find something that is easy and wonderful and feels just right, it's worth it.