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Someone I want to reach but can't...


HotShotChinez

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HotShotChinez

Hi everyone!

I'm totaly new to this site and I'm very excited about this new forum!

If I'm doing something wrong with writing new threads, please tell me so I can adjust that!

 

Then, let's go to the main point of this thread.

 

It was the day after christmas (25/12), while I was browsing on youtube.

I found a beautiful song that made me very emotional. And that's just the starts of the whole emotional process. I happened to read a comment where a girl had writed something. The comment almost made me shed a tear...

This girl is born 1996 I think... Which means she's one year older than me. (Born 1997)

She wrote on the comment field:

''I've lost so much in my life. At the age of 12 my best friend died, when I was 15 my father and grandparents died, and when I was 17 years old I was involved in a car accident which lead to bad injuries. Today I can't feel my lower body. I can only move my arms and my head.''

 

Also there was a picture of her still smiling...

 

For a human being to stay this strong is amazing, but it's also sad that she's now limited.

 

After reading this I decided to contact her in some way because I felt so pity for her. I commented back on some random video and she said like: ''uhm, sure. But why do you comment on someone else video and comment.''

I blushed a little when I saw my tiny mistake...

After that accident they deleted the comments, which was pretty obvious.

And I sent her a message on google+. She still hasn't checked the message, the reason is (I think) that she does not know how the google+ hangouts work. I also wrote to her youtube account. And I haven't got any messages back yet.

 

One day she uploaded a video of a game she played. I commented it and asked about where and how I could play it. She was kind and answered back so that I could play the game. After that I haven't heard anything from her. though maybe it's awkward and random but what I want is to talk to her and give her the support she needs. I think that maybe she's kind of surprised by my sudden will to chat and became confused.

 

What I want to know is how I can reach her?

 

My buddy said that maybe you should ask if she has facebook, skype or something like that by commenting again.

 

What do you guys think? I want your oppinions!!!

And thanks in advance! :)

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What exactly did you write to her when you messaged her on YouTube?

 

Because she sounds like a very strong and brave person, and strong and brave people who have overcome things don't want your "pity" in most cases. They also don't "need" the "support" of random strangers on the internet.

 

Also the way you speculate that she might be surprised at your "willingness" to speak with her gives a very weird vibe to me, like you perceive that she is some pathetic, pitiful loser who most people probably wouldn't bother talking to, since she is partially paralyzed.

 

But gonna give you the benefit of a doubt here and roll with the hypothetical that you try to give "support" to all sorts of people, not just women close to your age, and that you're not approaching her in a super creepy "hey baby believe it or not I would actually be your 'friend' since I feel sorry for you" way.

 

My advice is to make sure you're not approaching her in a super creepy "hey baby believe it or not I would actually be your 'friend' since I feel sorry for you" way.

 

She isn't pitiful or needy just because she's been through some rough experiences and shared some feels in the comments under a song that moved her. She is a human being like anyone else and you should approach the exact same way you would approach a potential friend who isn't partially paralyzed or hasn't suffered losses.

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Yes, try to add her to Facebook or whatever. You could tell her you're going to because you think she posts interesting things or something like that.

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HotShotChinez
What exactly did you write to her when you messaged her on YouTube?

 

Because she sounds like a very strong and brave person, and strong and brave people who have overcome things don't want your "pity" in most cases. They also don't "need" the "support" of random strangers on the internet.

 

Also the way you speculate that she might be surprised at your "willingness" to speak with her gives a very weird vibe to me, like you perceive that she is some pathetic, pitiful loser who most people probably wouldn't bother talking to, since she is partially paralyzed.

 

But gonna give you the benefit of a doubt here and roll with the hypothetical that you try to give "support" to all sorts of people, not just women close to your age, and that you're not approaching her in a super creepy "hey baby believe it or not I would actually be your 'friend' since I feel sorry for you" way.

 

My advice is to make sure you're not approaching her in a super creepy "hey baby believe it or not I would actually be your 'friend' since I feel sorry for you" way.

 

She isn't pitiful or needy just because she's been through some rough experiences and shared some feels in the comments under a song that moved her. She is a human being like anyone else and you should approach the exact same way you would approach a potential friend who isn't partially paralyzed or hasn't suffered losses.

 

I know that I made a huge mistake man. It's just I did it on instinct without thinking that's it.. And I know it's creepy, it was once again a huge mistake. But can you explain more in detail what I ''can'' do? Seems lika I'm bad at approaching people I want to help... :/

 

If I get you right, you mean that I should just approach her like anybody else right? For example, I should not remind her of her disadvantages/limits right? Or Am I wrong?

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genuinelyloverly7
I know that I made a huge mistake man. It's just I did it on instinct without thinking that's it.. And I know it's creepy, it was once again a huge mistake. But can you explain more in detail what I ''can'' do? Seems lika I'm bad at approaching people I want to help... :/

 

If I get you right, you mean that I should just approach her like anybody else right? For example, I should not remind her of her disadvantages/limits right? Or Am I wrong?

 

The point here is that she is not someone who needs your help. Just because she might have different abilities than you physically, that doesn't mean that she needs help from anyone, much less some stranger who couches it in terms of feeling pity…

 

I think you should approach her as a person you are interested in getting to know. The best and only true 'help' you can offer anyone is to try and understand their viewpoint, their life. Try to be their friend.

 

And honesty is the best policy. Message her again and tell her you felt how strong she was. Did you admire her for that? Want to tell her how powerful she is? That is all great! But look at your language when you talk to someone. Make sure you are not reinforcing the stereotypes she is probably trying to overcome in her own mind, or in her own reality.

 

Would you like it if I walk up to you and said, 'I see you are___; I feel really bad for how horrible your life must be because of that. How can I show you how much I pity you?'

 

Or what if I said, 'I see you _____; that must have affected you in so many ways I cannot comprehend. This has really emotionally affected me because I feel ____ for the situation. Would you be willing to share your experiences with me?" Do some personal reflection here. If you do feel pity, why? Do you think her life is over, or that she is less than, in some way? No judgement; just see where your unconscious might be creating judgement around her.

 

Now, note here that she has no obligation to tell you anything. She can tell you to f---- off. She can tell you to find info on the internet and a support group on the subject, that have nothing to do with her personal life and experiences. That is all legitimate, because you are basically asking her to reveal her vulnerabilities to a stranger, because the stranger felt something about her life.

 

 

And for the record, no-one wants to be defined by their differences, or perceived disadvantages/limits. That creates/defines/reinforces those limits that so many times we are seeking to abolish. It is our job to see past that to the human inside.

 

Good luck!

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HotShotChinez
The point here is that she is not someone who needs your help. Just because she might have different abilities than you physically, that doesn't mean that she needs help from anyone, much less some stranger who couches it in terms of feeling pity…

 

I think you should approach her as a person you are interested in getting to know. The best and only true 'help' you can offer anyone is to try and understand their viewpoint, their life. Try to be their friend.

 

And honesty is the best policy. Message her again and tell her you felt how strong she was. Did you admire her for that? Want to tell her how powerful she is? That is all great! But look at your language when you talk to someone. Make sure you are not reinforcing the stereotypes she is probably trying to overcome in her own mind, or in her own reality.

 

Would you like it if I walk up to you and said, 'I see you are___; I feel really bad for how horrible your life must be because of that. How can I show you how much I pity you?'

 

Or what if I said, 'I see you _____; that must have affected you in so many ways I cannot comprehend. This has really emotionally affected me because I feel ____ for the situation. Would you be willing to share your experiences with me?" Do some personal reflection here. If you do feel pity, why? Do you think her life is over, or that she is less than, in some way? No judgement; just see where your unconscious might be creating judgement around her.

 

Now, note here that she has no obligation to tell you anything. She can tell you to f---- off. She can tell you to find info on the internet and a support group on the subject, that have nothing to do with her personal life and experiences. That is all legitimate, because you are basically asking her to reveal her vulnerabilities to a stranger, because the stranger felt something about her life.

 

 

And for the record, no-one wants to be defined by their differences, or perceived disadvantages/limits. That creates/defines/reinforces those limits that so many times we are seeking to abolish. It is our job to see past that to the human inside.

 

Good luck!

 

Many thanks!! I know understand what you truly medan and what mistake I've done. I didn't think of how people can feel when say something so ''simple''. Fick, why am I so ****in tarded sometimes, greez.... Ah well, I can see it from a much vetter angle now. I really appreciate the tips and the good lecture you gave me. Many thanks!!

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genuinelyloverly7

I am glad you feel what I am saying! Now to drive the point home:

 

to use the word (or any derivation of said word) retarded in a derogatory way is HIGHLY offensive to people of differing abilities (this woman's exact subset).

 

So no, you are not "tarded." you are learning the way of sensitivity towards other people's feelings. It isn't easy; you will make mistakes; but it IS worth it!

 

You are awesome for engaging in this- the process of becoming more aware of other peoples realities and experiences and perceptions! Have a great day!!!

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HotShotChinez
I am glad you feel what I am saying! Now to drive the point home:

 

to use the word (or any derivation of said word) retarded in a derogatory way is HIGHLY offensive to people of differing abilities (this woman's exact subset).

 

So no, you are not "tarded." you are learning the way of sensitivity towards other people's feelings. It isn't easy; you will make mistakes; but it IS worth it!

 

You are awesome for engaging in this- the process of becoming more aware of other peoples realities and experiences and perceptions! Have a great day!!!

 

Thanks! You're totaly awesome! God bless you :)

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HotShotChinez
I am glad you feel what I am saying! Now to drive the point home:

 

to use the word (or any derivation of said word) retarded in a derogatory way is HIGHLY offensive to people of differing abilities (this woman's exact subset).

 

So no, you are not "tarded." you are learning the way of sensitivity towards other people's feelings. It isn't easy; you will make mistakes; but it IS worth it!

 

You are awesome for engaging in this- the process of becoming more aware of other peoples realities and experiences and perceptions! Have a great day!!!

 

And also I wonder, how can I in a uncreepy way ask for her skype/facebook or something like that? :)

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genuinelyloverly7

Maybe start by asking her for permission to contact her on a more middle-ground yet private chat area, like the private message function on a website you both share. For example, this website has a PM function to have private conversations. So if YouTube has one, use that (since you mention that you met her there). That way she doesn't feel like she is being asked to share her whole life with you just yet. If not, ask her for an alternate site of her choice. If she turns you down, accept that graciously, and don't pester her.

 

You sound like a person with pretty honorable intentions, so I bet you'll do fine.

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HotShotChinez
Maybe start by asking her for permission to contact her on a more middle-ground yet private chat area, like the private message function on a website you both share. For example, this website has a PM function to have private conversations. So if YouTube has one, use that (since you mention that you met her there). That way she doesn't feel like she is being asked to share her whole life with you just yet. If not, ask her for an alternate site of her choice. If she turns you down, accept that graciously, and don't pester her.

 

You sound like a person with pretty honorable intentions, so I bet you'll do fine.

 

So she uploaded a video of a game she played and I asked her where to play and so on. Should I wirte like this (tell me if somethings stupid/wrong):

''I've tried this game out now and it's pretty difficult to play xD

But when I see you play it looks so natural and flawless. You're really good! :)

I think that you're a strong person who still smiles with that pretty face of yours, I really admire your strength! Keep fighting for what you want! Also I'm wondering if we can start like chatting, you seem to be a strong and intresting person? :)''

Something like that maybe? :)

Tell me if I'm writing something stupid.

Thanks in advance! :D

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