Newly Single How To Enjoy Dates Without Wanting Serious Relationship Anytime Soon

[Leigh 87]

I am newly single and I feel great about it. I just need some advice and pointers on how I should best navigate my new dating life.

One major shift I have undergone is: I no longer get all stupidly excited and over the top about new men! I have been seeing my therapist and I know realise I was just desperate to find love and get a guy who was crazy about me, due to my good friend finding " the one". I was trying to fill a void and therefore I got way too over excited about men I only just met, which is unhealthy and boundaries go down the toilet.... Berlin guy - we talked for couple of months and planned to start a relationship, and recently reconnected and the un - resolved feelings and the fantasy of finally seeing a person I had thought about often - came to light - I AM NOT like this with the other men I have been dating.

 

My wants and needs, tell me how I should go about meeting them, and suggestions would be very highly regarded

 

I don't want a serious relationship and to settle down with the one man for life, but I am not into VERY casual sex, either - I need a connection, I need to have some feelings towards the man involved, I just don't want to become attached and needy of a relationship. I have had one guy in the past who fit this bill perfectly and recently met another......... We liked each other enough to potentially date but both decided FWB was best suited to our circumstances and life stages.

 

So far, I met a Croatian guy out with my friend. He was friends of my friend, he seemed decent and respectable from my first impression. We enjoyed each others company a lot, we hung out for a few days and eventually had sex - he left it up to me, he let me decide and he didn't push it upon me despite being attracted to me. He isn't an 18 year old who cannot control his dick, as he explained it:lmao: It felt really, really good - we both really liked each other, we felt fondness affection, we viewed each other as " attractive enough" and "good enough": to date, only instead of dating we..... just spent some time together and had fun...... I could handle doing this once every few months - and not always full sex either, just kissing, flirting, that sort of thing. I wouldn't feel good going off with a new guy frequently beyond first dates.

 

I also need to determine the men who are into casual ONS versus the relationship orientated men - I don't want an immature player who doesn't respect women, however, I also don't want a serious relationship anytime soon. I want "fun" and occasional sex, but in a classy way that doesn't involve ONS, sex with men who don't like or respect me, or anything gross:sick:

 

What are some ways I can determine that a man likes and respects me, but yet is still comfortable with FWB?

 

In the past, I had one successful FWB - we both liked each other enough to date, we did/do have feelings only at the time we were in no position to be in a relationship (he recently met a girl overseas and wasn't sure what to do with her, and I was, well, as you all know, a mess after my ex!).

We saw each other a few times, he paid for my meal, we talked for a few hours, we watched dvds and we, well... had sex! We were also genuinely friends, had some degree of romantic feelings, and we definitely viewed each other as " good enough to date"

I even escorted him to his best friends funeral and stayed with him the night prior. We can talk about personal problems we endure.

So far, outside of relationships, THAT guy ^ is the only positive experience I have had sexually - outside of my long term R's, the guy I became good friends with, had feelings for and yet not enough feelings to be upset when we parted ways, was the ONLY positive sexual experience I have ever had..... Besides the Croatian guy.

 

The two scenario's I am seeking

 

How to I establish friendship based relationships that include some fun/ partying, going out, good talks, and occasional sex, whilst still ensuring they think I am an amazing and respectable woman?

 

And also - I am open to developing a relationship later down the track if I meet a guy I really like and who also really "feels it" with me, too... How would I go about taking things slowly?

What constitutes as "slowly", living our own separate lives and not so much seeing each other more than once a week, and not having sex for a few months type of slowly?

Or, does slowly not have to include physical intimacy, but rather, how we both incorporate one another into our lives ( or not!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any pointers and advice from YOUR prior experience would be well regarded.

 

Just don't tell me to not enjoy new men as I am enjoying dates and I really enjoyed the Croatian experience.

 

Just need advice on how to best go about handling new men.

[CarrieT]

How to I establish friendship based relationships[/b] that include some fun/ partying, going out, good talks, and occasional sex, whilst still ensuring they think I am an amazing and respectable woman?

Don't have sex with them until you are certain they have the potential for a long-term relationship.

 

Anything else will set you up for heart-ache.

[Tayken]

Hmmmm....whatever happened to the wonderful guy you were dating that ticked all the boxes i.e. respected you and liked you for you?

 

As for advice....be honest with guys up front i.e. no head game / drama, and make sure the feeling is mutual. Communicate well and plan stuff together. Do not have the attitude that most have....."he needs to chase me and plan everything because am a woman...hear me roar"

[Leigh 87]

Don't have sex with them until you are certain they have the potential for a long-term relationship.

 

Anything else will set you up for heart-ache.

 

 

I wasn't upset over the Croatian. I was in the mood for casual, albeit with a man I really liked as a person and vice versa......I didn't know him enough to even factor in whether or not he was relationship worthy to be honest! He just seemed like a really nice, fun guy and that was it! I liken it to newly single fun with a hot European. I can see us hanging out again with mutual friends and enjoying each others company sans sex.

 

I am very happy without sex and don't mind going without it for some time and I would rather only explore things with men I can see potential with.

 

The FWB thing is nice but yeah, not something I am seeking to do often...

 

I love men and of course I would like to find love but how do I go about dating people I could have potential with, and then taking it very slowly once I do really like someone?

 

I feel like I do want an instant attraction and chemistry- I will never have a long term R with a guy I was just " meh" about. I would rather have short lived passionate FWB affairs rather than select a life partner who is" good and respectable" and all that crap, with low passion. I am not after a long term life partner and am happy to continue going on non sexual dates for a year or years until I find instant sparks and strong chemistry, yet with a man I really like a lot and who also values and respects me.

 

I would like to continue enjoying attractive men and then one day, finding that elusive instant sparks and strong chemistry, combined with life partner like material.

 

I just don't feel the need to find a "good guy" who likes, respects me, and is a decent partner yet with little to not sparks or excitement.

 

I just don't feel the need for a partner enough to go without the chemistry and excitement - I actually have a few guys who are good friends who would love to date me and who are decent and honourable men who I know would be loyal and faithful to me.

 

Plus I will have a FWB or two over the next few years so I don't have to go without sex for a year or more at a time.......

[Leigh 87]

Hmmmm....whatever happened to the wonderful guy you were dating that ticked all the boxes i.e. respected you and liked you for you?

 

As for advice....be honest with guys up front i.e. no head game / drama, and make sure the feeling is mutual. Communicate well and plan stuff together. Do not have the attitude that most have....."he needs to chase me and plan everything because am a woman...hear me roar"

 

 

 

I am honest and upfront.

 

I explain that I don't really want a relationship per say, that the idea of settling down with the one person is not appealing to me and it will take a pretty awesome guy to compel me to want to "settle down" long term with a partner.

 

I text them first at times. I don't just let them be the ones to shower me with attention. I can tell by this age if a man fancies me, no need to make them work overly hard. After all, we barley know each other.

 

If I want to talk I talk to them. I ask them to call me for a chat if they like - and they often do.

[Leigh 87]

I went on a date with a really hot Russian American two nights ago and while I liked him I didn't want to kiss him or explore him more but I will accept a second date if he wants. He did ring me after the date to thank me and wanting to set up another sometime soon...

 

Tonight I have a date with a hot central American Aussie - good job, lives in the SYDNEY CBD:love: which is my favourite city in the world lol and where I am going to move to AS SOON as I graduate and have a decent job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy I really like right now is a Chilean guy I met while out with the Croatian!

 

We had good chemistry and I felt more compelled to get to know him than the Croatian.

 

We were both very attracted, I have very pale blue eyes and he has large intense brown eyes - we are total, polar opposite looks wise! So there was a bit of fire in that department.....

 

He said he is having trouble forgetting about me since meeting me, although that is all, he is not gushing or telling me how "beautiful: I am, he is normal and not trying to get sex off me by the sounds of things.

 

It is obvious he is a little excited by me, but he is not over the top, telling me how awesome I am, either....

 

It seems that although we are both a bit " meh" about relationships, we are open to one with each other, once we get to know each other for a while.

 

We are both not really a fan of relationships unless we meet someone awesome, really awesome haha.

 

Me and the Chilean are open to relationships but we both think it will take a very special and rare person to make us want one, haha.

[Donnie Darko]

It sounds like you have it all fairly under control.

 

Watch out for some of these men that will just mirror your perspective in order to get into your panties. Sometimes men and women will pretend to be something they are not because they are delusional and they think that they will somehow be able to change the other person.

 

As you know with a FWB relationship someone usually develops feelings towards the other person and it stops being just a casual fling for that person and ultimately that person gets hurt. It's rare that a FWB ends without someone's feeling getting hurt. What happens when your FWB starts officially dating a new girl and you are left scratching your head thinking I thought he wasn't into LTR's?

Edited November 13, 2014 by Donnie Darko

[Leigh 87]

It sounds like you have it all fairly under control.

 

Watch out for some of these men that will just mirror your perspective in order to get into your panties. Sometimes men and women will pretend to be something they are not because they are delusional and they think that they will somehow be able to change the other person.

 

As you know with a FWB relationship someone usually develops feelings towards the other person and it stops being just a casual fling for that person and ultimately that person gets hurt. It's rare that a FWB ends without someone's feeling getting hurt. What happens when your FWB starts officially dating a new girl and you are left scratching your head thinking I thought he wasn't into LTR's?

 

 

 

Oh, I do realise that when most guys meet the right woman, they tend to make things happen when they meet a woman they feel is remarkable enough.

 

Just because I don't compel them to have a relationship, doesn't mean they don't like or respect me either - or that we don't have good chemistry that could warrant a FWB - whereby either of us could meet another person that we like enough to date seriously and exclusively.

 

Doesn't mean we are not good enough (for a relationship). Sometimes the feeling is just here, or it is not! I know with my Croatian and the other FWB, the reason we didn't begin a relationship was NOT because we were not hot enough, not smart enough or not interesting enough.

 

; the FWB I had, I left that FWB due to meeting a guy I wanted to pursue - he was a little upset initially, but he didn't cry or anything, he got over it in a day or so! We liked each other sure and it was a tad hard to say goodbye, but nothing to lose sleep over!

 

Even men who say they are not a big believer in relationships - even the most hardened player can and do meet "that woman" who compels them to want a relationship.

 

I would like to hope though that a FWB can be honest with me! I mean, I am not after a relationship nor do I like the idea of settling with the one person for life, it seems unnatural to me! But you can bet that for the right man I would have a relationship!

 

So far, the Croatian did say that he was not shut off to relationships, but that he never sough them out and that he preferred fun (with me at least!). He also said that I was an amazing girl and they one day I would meet someone, and it would just click and it would fall into place.

 

The Chilean also echoed my sentiments regarding my views on relationships! He said that he preferred to avoid them but with the right girl he would like one.

 

So far I have not encountered a man I was interested in (on any level), who said they " didn't want a relationship".

 

Both men claimed that it is not that they don't want relationships, but they were happy single and it would take that one in a million person to compel them to have a relationship....

 

Men pick up that I am not stupid and men seem to be surprisingly honest with me. They know that I know, that the right woman would do it for them; and the rest of us are fun FWB to them. No hard feelings... It is not like I lost sleep over them not wanting to be with me either..

Edited November 13, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm confused. Didn't you say at the beginning of your OP that you have a FWB right now, and are you still having casual sex with the croatian guy? So aren't you set for now? If you are not looking for a relationship what are you looking for by continuing to date, do you want to add more sex partners?

[Conners]

I am newly single and I feel great about it. I just need some advice and pointers on how I should best navigate my new dating life.

 

One major shift I have undergone is: I no longer get all stupidly excited and over the top about new men!

 

 

This whole thread is over analyzing everything and you do seem stupidly excited and over the top over these new men.

How do you think they would feel if they knew all this info was on the internet about them after not even knowing them for very long?

 

I always get worried that somehow someone I know would come across my threads.

[deathandtaxes]

Don't have sex with them until you are certain they have the potential for a long-term relationship.

 

Anything else will set you up for heart-ache.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

Maybe you just need to go out and have friends and not date or have sex for a while?

[Leigh 87]

I enjoy dating though and I enjoy sex and I wont go without either for long periods.

 

I cannot help dating, I just meet people when out.

 

And I am not that excited about any man right now. Berlin guy I was excited about, but yeah, since then I haven't been excited about any date?

 

If it seems so I am not excited - really. Berlin guy was the last guy I felt excited about and it was because I had loooong anticipated meeting him again... Which never eventuated

[Leigh 87]

The Croatian guy was a one time thing, I was just newly single and wanted to have some fun.

 

I am not looking for casual sex again for the time being, I want to date men and enjoy their company SANS sex for now.

 

The FWB are something that will come about if say, for a few months I am without sex, I may think about it again then.

 

For now I feel like just dating only. Unless I happen to meet a really awesome guy who I have chemistry with and yet I cannot see a future with - but yeah, it is hard to find decent FWB material so I am not holding my breath......

 

I thought I was keen for fun when I started this thread but yeah, on second thought, I would rather date and leave sex alone for a few months.

[Leigh 87]

I am just not the type of woman who can... go out a lot and not get dates. It just happens for some people. I am really friendly and men say I make them feel comfortable and I am easy to talk to.

 

I am not going to turn anyone down if I am attracted to them and they seem decent on first appearances.

 

I see no reason to ban dating from my life when I enjoy it and it isn't hurting anyone lol. It will only hurt me if I have sex with people and sell myself short - settle for FWB - with men I date and I take a liking to.

 

I know very well to refrain from sex for a while - it is clearly what is best for me!

 

I have more fun in life dating and getting to know men than not.

 

Just have to not get sucked in and I have to genuinely get to know a man before having any type of sex - they need to prove over a few months that they are decent and that they are genuinely interested in me for more than just sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Croatian guy is the only guy I am willing to have FWB with at this stage. And I am not honestly sure if we will meet again anyway, he is super laid back, he is a tourist and likes to sleep a lot, go out and make new friends all the time. He liked me but not enough to, I dunno, go out of his way to meet me again anytime soon! And vice versa.

 

He went without sex for a year or so before me and he is not really focused on getting sex! He loves sex and he loves women but he is not really... gagging for it, he has good self control and prefers to relax in his spare time, he doesn't invest much effort in getting sex.

[Gloria25]

I'm confused, but, if I'm correct - unless you feel fireworks, you don't really connect with guys? And, the "fireworks" you feel are achieved through acting on carnal impulses?

 

Then, after a while, the fireworks burn out for the guy - and you want more of a RL?

 

Well, I believe that a lot of people mistake "fireworks" for an actual connection with someone. Yes, when you first meet someone, there's the butterflies, hornies, emotions, lust even - that's the "icing" on a RL.

 

But, in any RL, after a while it's gonna get boring/routine/mundane. That's where more substance - the "cake" - kicks in. You have to have things in common with that person to make it RL stick. You will have to work at drumming up excitement (i.e. setting up "date" nites, remembering to treat each other like you just met).

 

So, like others said, try not to act on the "icing". Take the time to get the guy. Yeah, it probably won't be as exciting as making out wildly on first dates - but if you are patient - you may bet to really know someone and then you can add the "icing" on the "cake" you formed.

 

BTW, sex with someone you actually "connect" with and trust is better and will last longer.

[Leigh 87]

I'm confused, but, if I'm correct - unless you feel fireworks, you don't really connect with guys? And, the "fireworks" you feel are achieved through acting on carnal impulses?

 

Then, after a while, the fireworks burn out for the guy - and you want more of a RL?

 

Well, I believe that a lot of people mistake "fireworks" for an actual connection with someone. Yes, when you first meet someone, there's the butterflies, hornies, emotions, lust even - that's the "icing" on a RL.

 

But, in any RL, after a while it's gonna get boring/routine/mundane. That's where more substance - the "cake" - kicks in. You have to have things in common with that person to make it RL stick. You will have to work at drumming up excitement (i.e. setting up "date" nites, remembering to treat each other like you just met).

 

So, like others said, try not to act on the "icing". Take the time to get the guy. Yeah, it probably won't be as exciting as making out wildly on first dates - but if you are patient - you may bet to really know someone and then you can add the "icing" on the "cake" you formed.

 

BTW, sex with someone you actually "connect" with and trust is better and will last longer.

 

 

 

 

That is why I am going to take things really slowly.

 

I am not just going to shove my tongue down a guys throat simply because we have fireworks.

 

But yes - I need instant sparks and excitement that leads to a relationship - I don't want a relationship badly enough to seek out a guy I am "meh" about and see how it develops.

 

The initial sparks is what compels me to keep on dating and getting to know someone.

 

 

 

 

 

My mistake in the past is mistakenly moving too fast due to sparks, or alternatively, pursuing men when there was no spark - since the spark never developed for at least one of us and the chemistry was always off (as a person who enjoys sex).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am seeking fireworks and instant sparks and then I am going to get to know them very slowly before anything physical takes place beyond kissing them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instant sparks and connections don't mean crap. I have learnt this time and time again. Doesn't mean I want to seek out a relationship without instant chemistry - you need natural passion to make a relationship last - at least for me I am seeking this......

[Leigh 87]

I am basically seeking:

 

 

- fun dates with hot and interesting men

 

- if there is good chemistry and sparks/or even fireworks, I will continue going on dates with them IN PUBLIC ( nothing gross like going back to their house on the third date)

 

- Once in a while I will contact the Croatian and see if he is up for fun. Once every few months if I feel like it.

 

 

 

 

 

SO yeah... I am looking to date and to get to know people, and to not have sex until I see potential of a long term R.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have the Croatian for fun if I need sex in the meanwhile, so I have zero desire to have sex with a date if it is too early and I am not emotionally ready/ he has not clearly demonstrated that he wants a relationship with me.

[Leigh 87]

I may the Chilean guy last week and I have a feeling that I'd like to explore things with him a I've other options but I don't want to put all my eggs in one basked so I'm going on dates with others too....

 

After the date with the Central American Australian tonight which I am on my way to now, I'm meeting up with the Chilean guy that I am the most interested in.

 

And tomorrow I'm meeting up with a local guy.

 

I am most interested in the Chilean but still keeping my options open until we properly get to know one another. He could be a creep.

 

I have learnt that until you get to know someone properly, they could be pretty rotten types of people......

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Hi Leigh

 

What happened to the one with the memory problems.. If u remember I dated someone with similar problems.. Did it not work out because of that? x

[Leigh 87]

I went on the date - the guy was hot, has a great job, has his own apartment in the city and he was really nice and he really seemed to like me.

 

I had unfinished business with the Chilean I met out last week - we met, initially he really thought he might like me a bit too much which scared him, he knew I went on a lot of dates and he lit up at the idea of me not going on dates anymore..

 

Then we decided to not pursue it... he said he doesn't want a relationship and when a guy says that I believe him - he just thought he really liked me at first, we met and we realised there wasn't enough depth of feeling there to warrant trying for a relationship.

 

So now I have met again with the Chilean and nothing eventuated, I am ready to date, have fun with a lot of first dates and not going serious anytime soon.

 

I will see the guy from last night again - the one who was interested in me - there wasn't fireworks to begin with I think because my heart has been too focused with other guys.. first Berlin guy and then the Chilean, I am not sure if I am in the place to pursue anything beyond casual dates.

[lino]

Ah, the tough life of the quintessential Australian woman.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Read The Ethical Slut. It is about how to ethically deal with being involved in multiple or open relationships, but I think everyone should read it because it is a great book on just being a decent human being in the relationship arena. Honesty and boundaries and communication. That is the foundation.

[TigerLilly78]

Don't have sex with them until you are certain they have the potential for a long-term relationship.

 

Anything else will set you up for heart-ache.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh but no "respectable women" has sex with men she just met if you want them to think that don't sleep with them to soon.And I quoted the wrong post here sorry guys..

[guest569]

Im sorry if this sounds harsh but no "respectable women" has sex with men she just met if you want them to think that don't sleep with them to soon.And I quoted the wrong post here sorry guys..

 

I disagree with that. If your intention is to go out and have anonymous sex, there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make you unworthy of respect. Make sure both parties know its not going to lead to a relationship. The only issue is that it is unclear to me what OPs intentions really are.

[TigerLilly78]

I disagree with that. If your intention is to go out and have anonymous sex, there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make you unworthy of respect. Make sure both parties know its not going to lead to a relationship. The only issue is that it is unclear to me what OPs intentions really are.

In a perfect world no one would have any prejudgements about anyone based off of their appearances or actions but sadly we don't live in a perfect world and its often quite lopsided when it comes to such ideas like men can sleep around all they like and its admired yet let a women do the same and shes a slut..you see what im saying now?

 

Every one is worthy of respect of course I don't have to agree with a life style choice but I also have no right to disrespect them. All that said the reality of it is you can bet your bottom dollar that when a women gives it up to a guy on a first meeting or shortly after hes prob not going to have as much respect for her afterwards no matter what we as women like to tell ourselves..being that easy dose not empower us in anyway in fact it dose quite the opposite in the long run..