Dealing with someone that makes plans and cancels

[irc333]

When it comes to dating, and the most irksome thing is...when the woman makes the plans and keeps cancelling.

 

What's worse is, when you kind of open up to someone about yourself, and they still do this.

[amaysngrace]

Date someone else in the meantime. The one you're talking about does it.

[carhill]

Dealing with someone that makes plans and cancels

 

Erase.

 

With friends, the first time gets a pass. Death and hospitalization are exempt. Second time results in them being deemed unreliable and downgraded to acquaintance. My time is too valuable to invest in people who don't value it, or me.

[MissBee]

How to deal? Don't.

 

It's sometimes easier said than done but after having been prone to dating men who were unreliable, who stood me up, flaked, canceled etc ALL the time and I always gave the benefit of the doubt, always forgave, made excuses and they still did it...I realized they just didn't give a damn and didn't value me or respect me enough or themselves to keep their word and commit to something as simple as going out or calling. I didn't have to put up with them as PLENTY of other people exist who won't do this, just like I don't do it.

 

So that's how you deal. Maybe if they have a REALLY good excuse and quickly reschedule you can give them a chance but if they do it multiple times...it's pretty obvious they aren't that interested and/or are plain rude, so why stick around? They're not that special.

Edited August 13, 2014 by MissBee

[D.Mc.]

Hi IRC333,

 

If she's the one always cancelling & it's not an "on call" job situation or some sort of travel issue (why I never want to date more than an hour away from me), then it's a clear signal something's up.

 

Either she is keeping you in reserve if something (or someone) better doesn't come along, or she really doesn't want to meet. In OLD that just doesn't make any sense to me...if you only want a text/email/phone/skype etc. contact then just use Facebook. She doesn't really want a date, just another internet connection.

 

Let's not even go into the men who get $cammed by women on the internet or the "catfishing" thing. How do you say you have a "relationship", sometimes for over a year, & you've never met even once??? It's not just men who fall for it I know, women are equally gullible.

[sillyanswer]

When it comes to dating, and the most irksome thing is...when the woman makes the plans and keeps cancelling.

 

"Keeps", as in repeatedly, ongoing? You need a 3-strikes policy, or maybe just two or one. There are legitimate reasons for cancelling dates, but if it keeps happening then find someone else who shows more respect for your time.

[irc333]

This one I know from Meetup. Real life. She's kinda done this with me a few months ago when she acquired a new boyfriend. Which is fair since he got to her before I did. But it did kind of irked me when she was completely non responsive. Even stopped going to Meetups

 

Later she told me they broke up and asked me to watch a movie with her this Friday night. Then realized she had an after work bday party to attend. I said "well how about the rest of the weekend? She said she was busy with yard work ... hair. .. nap... (nap??).... then said probably next weekend.

 

 

 

 

How to deal? Don't.

 

It's sometimes easier said than done but after having been prone to dating men who were unreliable, who stood me up, flaked, canceled etc ALL the time and I always gave the benefit of the doubt, always forgave, made excuses and they still did it...I realized they just didn't give a damn and didn't value me or respect me enough or themselves to keep their word and commit to something as simple as going out or calling. I didn't have to put up with them as PLENTY of other people exist who won't do this, just like I don't do it.

 

So that's how you deal. Maybe if they have a REALLY good excuse and quickly reschedule you can give them a chance but if they do it multiple times...it's pretty obvious they aren't that interested and/or are plain rude, so why stick around? They're not that special.

[salparadise]

I said "well how about the rest of the weekend? She said she was busy with yard work ... hair. .. nap... (nap??).... then said probably next weekend.

 

Well, bless her little heart. It's on you now. You can either be a doormat or not. Me thinks you need to grow a pair.

[MGX]

This one I know from Meetup. Real life. She's kinda done this with me a few months ago when she acquired a new boyfriend. Which is fair since he got to her before I did. But it did kind of irked me when she was completely non responsive. Even stopped going to Meetups

 

Later she told me they broke up and asked me to watch a movie with her this Friday night. Then realized she had an after work bday party to attend. I said "well how about the rest of the weekend? She said she was busy with yard work ... hair. .. nap... (nap??).... then said probably next weekend.

 

That's gunshots. Time for you to move on then.

 

Someone who is REALLY interested in you will MAKE time, no matter how busy she might be.

[irc333]

Kathy...I've reached a consensus on that. I keep running into a LOT of women like this.....act ALL into you. .... for the moment. ..then pull this crap.

 

Whenever I see a complaint in regards to how someone has been chronically single. ... I keep thinking of women who have kept themselves this way by behaving this way

 

 

Sounds like she's not really interested, and is just stringing you along to entertain her when it suits her. Don't allow women to treat you like this. It's not worth it. Don't call her or try to meet up with her. If she calls you and suggests hanging out or doing something, then tell her "Sorry, I'm busy that weekend."

Edited August 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Sweetnothing]

Treat people the way they treat you and you won't run into this issue as much. It's hard because I love to be optimistic with dating and will make excuses for people but I've learned to take actions at face value

[irc333]

Then we that are on here are guilty as charged. I have to admit i did rake a break from here

 

 

 

A lot of women? You are always having issues with women. New threads. Post after post.

What is it going to be tomorrow?

 

I'd like to have the perspective of these multiple women

[FitChick]

Perhaps you are misinterpreting friendship as something more.

[irc333]

Perhaps you are misinterpreting friendship as something more.

 

This has nothing to do with the actions that had occurred here. Whether its only friendship or romantic is irrelevant. It's the treatment that is given is what the original post is about.

[guest569]

I dont "deal" with plan cancellers. Sure i give them a chance and am understanding but if it becomes unreasonable (ie drop out at last minute for no reason) its a deal braker, good riddance. I am not wasting time on people like that.

[Zeurich]

Is this the same woman you wanted to watch a movie and was been where you live ? I have the feeling you need some counseling honestly what is this? How come you hang with a woman who cancel the plans all the time? I wish I had a man like that to be honest... The men I met .. online or real life or where ever did not even try to understand some situation in that sens you are wonder full seem you like her lot..... hope you will find a way out!

[GemmaUK]

This one I know from Meetup. Real life. She's kinda done this with me a few months ago when she acquired a new boyfriend. Which is fair since he got to her before I did. But it did kind of irked me when she was completely non responsive. Even stopped going to Meetups

 

Later she told me they broke up and asked me to watch a movie with her this Friday night. Then realized she had an after work bday party to attend. I said "well how about the rest of the weekend? She said she was busy with yard work ... hair. .. nap... (nap??).... then said probably next weekend.

 

The lady you mention here has absolutely no idea that you have any interest in her romantically at all.

She just sees you as a friend/acquaintance from your meet up group.

 

If she had any clue you meant the movies as a date she would either be interested accept and choose a time or she would be telling you that she isn't interested.

Neither one has come up as a required response from her as she simply has no idea you are interested in her in that way. It hasn't even crossed her mind.

 

There is only one other possibility - that she does know you are interested in that way and has either said straight at some point that she isn't interested in you or has already given you enough signals to put you off which you haven't yet picked up on.

 

Remember the old joke about 'No, I can't go to xxx with you because I'm washing my hair that night'?

Having a nap and doing yard work is the same thing.

[irc333]

I kind of understand what you're saying. But yeah, I wrote her off after she did it to me twice.

 

What's sad is, after I wrote her off and unfriended her from FB a few months ago...she had added me recently back and popped out of the blue when she broke up with her boyfriend. Even told me so.

 

Coincidence? I think not! lol

 

She is a member of Meetup and after having been absent from the Meetup events during the duration in which she was dating this guy, she finally started being active in the group once again.

 

When she saw me at the local social gathering at the pub, she was so "happy to see me" and even asked me to dance with her during the "slow dance" songs. She was dancing "very close" to me, practically clutching me and squeezing me every few minutes.

 

I walked outside, we talked for a good while...and then I walked her to her car.

 

The next day I called and we talked for a while, too...then she told me she'd love to have me over for a movie and a pizza on a Fri night. She told me she doesn't do "weeknights" as she goes to bed pretty early for work. (9 am).

 

Next day, she cancels saying she has a "birthday work event" she's attending...but I found that funny because it was during work hours. But I wrote it off.

 

That all said and done....this was my 2nd attempt and NOW I've written her off. One of her female friends had made excuses for her as shes "going through a bad time right now and is dealing with a few things."

 

Really? Isn't most people. Even I am "dealing with a few things" too, but I don't treat people in such a fashion.

 

 

Is this the same woman you wanted to watch a movie and was been where you live ? I have the feeling you need some counseling honestly what is this? How come you hang with a woman who cancel the plans all the time? I wish I had a man like that to be honest... The men I met .. online or real life or where ever did not even try to understand some situation in that sens you are wonder full seem you like her lot..... hope you will find a way out!

[Zeurich]

What's sad is, after I wrote her off and unfriended her from FB a few months ago...she had added me recently back and popped out of the blue when she broke up with her boyfriend. Even told me so.

How about you tell her that you met such a wonderful lady but she lives some where else and you plan for a visit if things go well you might stay there as well, see how she react, if I were you I would do that but I think she just need you not as a serious partner just as a friend to hang out with. That is what I feel in your posts about her.

The next day I called and we talked for a while, too...then she told me she'd love to have me over for a movie and a pizza on a Fri night. She told me she doesn't do "weeknights" as she goes to bed pretty early for work. (9 am

She go to sleep early because she need to go work at 9 am for the next day? I don't know should I laugh on that or cry for you. Seriously I drive 2 hours for my work. All the way from NL to Brussels I wake up at 04 in the morning I don't even go to bed early. my my my. Let me tell ya buddy go fishing some where else. This fish is making you to dance instead of coming in to your net.

Not only her got issues. As a single mother for a 8 years old I am struggling to with time work and lot other stuff but if I am interested I find time some how. I will may be skip laundry or grocery for once or may be take a day off and give a try. But this nah not worth.

 

Do you really like her? If so then why do you think you like her?

[irc333]

How about you tell her that you met such a wonderful lady but she lives some where else and you plan for a visit if things go well you might stay there as well, see how she react, if I were you I would do that but I think she just need you not as a serious partner just as a friend to hang out with. That is what I feel in your posts about her.

She go to sleep early because she need to go work at 9 am for the next day? I don't know should I laugh on that or cry for you. Seriously I drive 2 hours for my work. All the way from NL to Brussels I wake up at 04 in the morning I don't even go to bed early. my my my. Let me tell ya buddy go fishing some where else. This fish is making you to dance instead of coming in to your net.

Not only her got issues. As a single mother for a 8 years old I am struggling to with time work and lot other stuff but if I am interested I find time some how. I will may be skip laundry or grocery for once or may be take a day off and give a try. But this nah not worth.

 

The thing that kind of made me come to my conclusion was the fact when I offered, "How about we do it Sat instead?" She proclaimed how so "busy" she was then I saw her on Facebook early Sat. night proclaiming she was watching TV with her dog, eating snacks, and saying, "Life is good!"

 

I thought about posting in that post, "Looking for some company?" But I didn't want to stir the pot on her page.

[GemmaUK]

I kind of understand what you're saying. But yeah, I wrote her off after she did it to me twice.

 

What's sad is, after I wrote her off and unfriended her from FB a few months ago...she had added me recently back and popped out of the blue when she broke up with her boyfriend. Even told me so.

 

Coincidence? I think not! lol

 

She is a member of Meetup and after having been absent from the Meetup events during the duration in which she was dating this guy, she finally started being active in the group once again.

 

When she saw me at the local social gathering at the pub, she was so "happy to see me" and even asked me to dance with her during the "slow dance" songs. She was dancing "very close" to me, practically clutching me and squeezing me every few minutes.

 

I walked outside, we talked for a good while...and then I walked her to her car.

 

The next day I called and we talked for a while, too...then she told me she'd love to have me over for a movie and a pizza on a Fri night. She told me she doesn't do "weeknights" as she goes to bed pretty early for work. (9 am).

 

Next day, she cancels saying she has a "birthday work event" she's attending...but I found that funny because it was during work hours. But I wrote it off.

 

All of this makes me think the first part of my last post is where she is at and that she has no idea that you have any more than a friendship interest in her.

You're 'safe' to her which is why she got you dancing. She sees you more like a brother than a lover.

 

The thing that kind of made me come to my conclusion was the fact when I offered, "How about we do it Sat instead?" She proclaimed how so "busy" she was then I saw her on Facebook early Sat. night proclaiming she was watching TV with her dog, eating snacks, and saying, "Life is good!"

 

I thought about posting in that post, "Looking for some company?" But I didn't want to stir the pot on her page.

 

She had had a busy day and was relaxing having some time for herself.

People are perfectly entitled to have time for themselves whether in a relationship or not.

 

Feeling like you feel though, the comment you wanted to post would have been passive aggressive...and I think that is the reason that you didn't choose to post it (as you said you didn't want to stir things up).

Didn't you have another thread about passive aggressiveness and how you see it as a female trait?

[LuvsTrucks2]

I don't think she is interested, I think she is toying with you. If she actually mentioned one of her to-do's for the weekend as a nap, that leads me to believe that taking a nap is more interesting/important than spending time with you, whether it's as a friend or romantic interest. I am a very busy lady, work long hours and have an extremely long commute, that doesn't make me say I can't meet or spend time with someone during the week, it's harder to do and takes more flexibility, but it all comes down to what I have posted so many times before, if someone is interested, you know it. If you find yourself asking if they are, that's your answer too.

[irc333]

All of this makes me think the first part of my last post is where she is at and that she has no idea that you have any more than a friendship interest in her.

You're 'safe' to her which is why she got you dancing. She sees you more like a brother than a lover.

 

We can never be sure about that, because well, for one you were never there to see her body language. I never had a woman get THAT affectionate with me (other than my last girlfriend).

 

But who would even treat their own brother in such a fashion as she did. It's kind of funny how there some significance to this only is there some kind of difference in the treatment you give someone whether they are a friend, a "brother, or a romantic interest. The same common deliminator is the treatment given to the individual.

 

 

 

She had had a busy day and was relaxing having some time for herself.

People are perfectly entitled to have time for themselves whether in a relationship or not.

 

Just an excuse. I have a motto...if you DON'T have the time, you MAKE the time. What's so hard about seeing a movie together?

 

Feeling like you feel though, the comment you wanted to post would have been passive aggressive...and I think that is the reason that you didn't choose to post it (as you said you didn't want to stir things up).

Didn't you have another thread about passive aggressiveness and how you see it as a female trait?

 

Right, however, I didn't post it on her wall.

 

If she actually mentioned one of her to-do's for the weekend as a nap

 

Right, I almost thought she was trying to get me to read between the lines or was using a passive-aggressive method of saying, "I find a nap more important than spending my time with you."

 

It's interesting how some people's attention span is so fleeting. I didn't expect this of an older woman either. That's why I had been giving her the benefit of the doubt up to this point.

Edited August 17, 2014 by irc333

[GemmaUK]

We can never be sure about that, because well, for one you were never there to see her body language. I never had a woman get THAT affectionate with me (other than my last girlfriend).

 

You were dancing though...dancing does require touching.

If I want a slow dance I'll happily grab one of my male friends because they are friends and they won't read anything into it.

 

But who would even treat their own brother in such a fashion as she did. It's kind of funny how there some significance to this only is there some kind of difference in the treatment you give someone whether they are a friend, a "brother, or a romantic interest. The same common deliminator is the treatment given to the individual.

 

Someone who can just be honest with you (eg a friend) and can tell you that they have xy and x that they need to get done that day. No one has to be at anyone's beck and call whenever.

She is under no obligation to go to the movies with you.

 

Just an excuse. I have a motto...if you DON'T have the time, you MAKE the time. What's so hard about seeing a movie together?

She doesn't have to MAKE the time. She didn't see you as dating potential or she would want to make the time. You are not a close friend either so she does not have to do what you want her to do if she doesn't want to do it.

 

Right, however, I didn't post it on her wall.

 

Thankfully no, I do wonder if any other passive aggressive statements, questions or comments cross your lips when you interacted with her or have interactions with other women you are interested in.

From your posts on here I get a feeling you attempt some kind of wit with sarcasm but with things said that are intended to sting just a little if a woman hasn't acted in the way you had wished.

Those kind of comments will most likely garner a wide eyed and or rolling eyes look and a laugh when face to face as it comes across as bitter and wanting some kind of argument.

 

 

Right, I almost thought she was trying to get me to read between the lines or was using a passive-aggressive method of saying, "I find a nap more important than spending my time with you."

 

Likely not as it isn't a passive aggressive statement and it wasn't posted on your wall so wasn't directed at you. I think you are reading too much into this part and have taken it as a personal snipe when it was just a simple post.

If however you have used any of your sarcastic wit as mentioned above toward her then you could be right and this post could be her retaliation directed right at you.

'If you can't take it, don't give it out' as the saying goes.

 

It's interesting how some people's attention span is so fleeting. I didn't expect this of an older woman either. That's why I had been giving her the benefit of the doubt up to this point.

 

It's how each of us weighs a person up as to whether they are someone we want to e friends or more or less with.

It's human nature. The older we all get the better at it we become.

[irc333]

Be honest, GemmaUK, do you honestly think this woman hasn't led me on?

 

It's obvious that she has, right? That's the point I'm trying to make here.

 

 

You were dancing though...dancing does require touching.

If I want a slow dance I'll happily grab one of my male friends because they are friends and they won't read anything into it.

 

Close dancing, at least the way she does it, is something you do with someone you have a romantic interest in or a boyfriend. In the dance community, this is an obvious thing...at least here in America. Slow dancing , let's say if you're NOT close with someone romantically, you "Square off" with your partner (maintain that distance) not press up against each other with head on my shoulder like she did.

 

I guess you have a different view on close/slow dancing.

Edited August 17, 2014 by irc333